Co-Sleeping: Is It Bad For Our Kids?
Can co-sleeping cause long-term damage to children?
Take your crying kids with you to bed, and you are condemning them to a future of behavior difficulties and weight struggles, say the authors of a new study.
The study authors state, that babies who got used to falling asleep with a parent in the room, being held until they fell asleep, or being taken into a parent’s bed when they couldn’t sleep, were more likely as older children to have trouble falling asleep and to sleep fewer hours during the night.
Since inadequate sleep in childhood can have long-lasting health effects, including being overweight and having emotional and behavioral difficulties in adolescence and adulthood, parents should only comfort the child for a short period of time, but then allow him “to develop a capacity to comfort himself on his own… parents and pediatricians should keep in mind that children have to develop the capacity to regulate their own sleep early in life and self-soothe themselves during the night.”
Of course, “crying it out” is not a new concept. But this study tells parents, from an authoritative, scientific point of view, that when they listen to their instincts and comfort their babies back to sleep, they are causing them permanent, long-term damage.
I dislike the term “self-soothe.” I don’t self-soothe. I have family and friends whom I turn to when I need to be comforted. When I wake up at night after having a bad dream, I totally do not self-soothe. My husband is there to soothe me.
When the term is applied to young children, I am even more suspicious, because I feel that while it is certainly a parent’s job to gradually allow her kids to become independent and self-reliant, when your baby or toddler wakes up scared in the middle of the night and cries out to you, it is not the best time for teaching self-reliance skills.
This is admittedly purely anecdotal, but although we limited co-sleeping (using a co-sleeper attached to our bed) to the first six months, we always comforted both our kids during the night and never allowed them to cry or “soothe themselves” back to sleep. At the ages of 6 and 8, they are healthy, well-adjusted kids who sleep very well at night.
Does co-sleeping work for you? Please share your experiences.
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Related reading: Spreading Her Wings And Leaving the Nest
Photo by MarkyBon
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Jen responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 10:06 am →
We did modified ferberizing and it worked for us. I think parents should do what works best for them and their family.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 11:15 am →
Well, Jen, I already received several angry emails about this post, including two that announced they are hereby unsubscribing from my blog.
It’s a good thing I talked with Jill who told me to not, under any circumstances, take down a post if I believe in it. So I won’t take it down.
I do agree, that parents should do what works best for them and their family. I just don’t want scientists to lay a guilt trip and try to scare parents who choose to allow interrupted sleep to go on for longer than the first few months.
Jessica (aka Rose) responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 11:24 am →
I’m glad you stopped by my blog! How coincidental that you posted about this the same day I posted about finally letting my daughter cry herself to sleep.
If I had read this even last week I would have pumped my fist in the air and screamed “yes!” Then Monday I realized, not that crying it out was humane etc, but that what I was doing wasn’t helping her anyway. We never let our first child cry it out, she figured out how to get herself to sleep on her own. This little one is much, much smarter let’s say. She figured out very early on what she had to do to get me to let her sleep with me all the time. In theory I’m fine with that, except that it recently really started to mess with my sleep and that in turn has kept me from being the mommy I want to be.
I would wake up so tired and cranky that I was snapping at everyone and losing patience over silly unimportant things. Being sleep deprived makes me less efficient at work, keeping me there and away from my family longer hours during the day.
As long as Lucie was sleeping in her own crib until 4 or 5 in the morning, even if I had to get up to feed her I was getting enough sleep. Having her in our bed from 1am on… not so much any more.
Sorry for the long rant… really just wanted to say: At the end of the day it’s more about what works for your family and less about what the experts say. I hated letting Lucie cry, but I’m LOVING the fact that she’s sleeping better, and we’re back to cuddling in bed just for the last hour of the night. She’s better rested, I’m better rested, and we’re all a lot happier.
Thanks for posting the other side of the argument!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 11:44 am →
Hi Jessica, thank you for not yelling at me.
It sounds like you did the right thing for your situation. I have a close friend whose toddler is – as you put it – a VERY smart kid – and it looks like she will need to put a stop to what’s going on at night over there soon. Her husband volunteered to do it while I take her on a girls-only weekend.
Jill responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 12:30 pm →
If you take down this post, I will lose all respect for you. It’s bad enough that you are in the habit of writing personal posts, then taking them down after a few days. This is a legitimate point of view. I let my own kids cry, and I am in no way offended by what you have said. It’s your opinion. Stand behind it.
Lia responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 2:27 pm →
I agree with most that you have to do what’s right for your family. Where I disagree with you is where you say that you don’t self soothe because I don’t believe that. Everyone does. You are down so you watch TV or read. You feel shitty so you get a pedicure or a cup of coffee. we all do it. yes we rely on others at times but not always. We let our child cry because at some point is habit. They aren’t really hungry but just want to see mom. Sorry but I don’t think that is healthy for anyone. I don’t wake my husband in the middle of night to help get me back to sleep.
Just a difference point of view.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 3:58 pm →
@ Jill: smooch.
@ Lia: I accept that people do self-soothe, although the question is – how early should self soothing start? 6 months? 18 months? I also think it’s important to understand when it’s a “sad” or “scared” crying and when it’s a “habit” or “feel like seeing mom” crying. I trust that parents can tell the difference when it comes to their own kids.
Crunchy Domestic Goddess responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 8:42 pm →
I have to say I wasn’t really fond of the title of your post (since that’s not what I took away from the original article), but it certainly was attention-getting. From the original article, “Two additional reports, also appearing in the current issue of Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, suggest that children’s sleeplessness may be associated with an increased risk of being overweight and having emotional and behavioral difficulties in adolescence and adulthood.” So it seems to me they are saying that if children are not getting enough sleep, that could lead to an increased risk of being overweight in adulthood, not that co-sleeping causes it. And I wonder if aboriginal people who co-sleep with their children find that their kids do not sleep well, enough hours or are overweight as adults? Just food for thought.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion and to do what they believe is best for their child and their family. Regardless of what *this* study says, I will continue to follow my instincts with regard to parenting both in the day time and at night. It works for us.
For the record, 10 years ago another Harvard study showed that letting children cry may lead to more fears and tears among adults. And, from another study (4 years ago): “A mental health expert warns that fashionable advice to ignore your child’s tears may cause lifelong harm.” http://crunchydomesticgoddess.com/2005/02/26/everyone-likes-to-feel-validated/
It’s hard to know who to trust, that’s why I say go with your gut.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2008 at 9:01 pm →
Hey Amy,
Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Obviously, my title was meant as an attention-getter.
I think the article does make a connection between responding to your child at night and creating sleep problems, that may later on cause behavior and weight issues.
I do agree that since studies tend to be contradicting and confusing, it is best to follow our instincts and do what is best for us.
Shoshana responds:
Posted: April 23rd, 2008 at 12:08 pm →
My children all sleep with me until they’re about 3 years old. It works for me, and so far, my 3rd child is overweight by 20 pounds maybe…but he’s not anywhere near obese.
Interesting study, but I don’t think we should hang great things to lack of sleep.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 24th, 2008 at 9:36 am →
Shoshana: I do believe that each family should do what works for them. Studies are often biased and for almost every study you can find another study that says the opposite.