I have two girls, ages 6 and 8. The issue of kids’ safety is on my mind a lot, but I never knew how to approach the subject with my kids.

A few weeks ago, I attended a lecture that gave me important tools for teaching my daughters about sexual abuse, without scaring them. The lecture was given by Miriam Wolf, a consultant, writer and trainer in the area of child abuse, forensic interviewing and parent education.

Following the lecture, I finally talked with my kids about the important subject of kids’ safety. The talk went over pretty well: they were curious and asked many questions, but they were not upset.

These are the main points from the lecture:

Facts

1. Child sexual abuse happens more often than you think: 1 out of 3-4 girls and 1 out of every 6-8 boys. It cuts across all socioeconomic, ethnic and religious lines.

2. A majority of victims never tell anyone – at least not until they are much older. False allegations are uncommon; it is much more likely that children will deny true abuse.

3. 90% of children are molested by someone they know.

4. The median age for child sexual abuse is nine.

5. There are few physical indicators or symptoms. Behavioral symptoms could signal distress from other sources. The key indicator that sexual abuse has taken place is verbal disclosure by the child.

Focusing on “Stranger Danger” is Not Enough

1. Children don’t get it: you can’t tell by looking at someone if they are safe or not; kids describe “strangers” as “mean” or “ugly”; if someone talks to a child or to you more than once, they lose their “stranger status”.

2. Adults don’t practice it: we talk to strangers.

3. It doesn’t target the main problem: as mentioned above, 90% are molested by someone they know.

Keeping Our Kids Safe Without Scaring Them

1. Make them understand it is okay to approach you if they are ever hurt or feel uncomfortable about anything. Since the main way to find out about sexual abuse is when the child tells us, it is absolutely essential that kids know they can always come to us with any problem and that we will never get mad but rather try to help. This may sound obvious to you, but in many cases it is NOT obvious to children. Additionally, children need to learn to never keep secrets from you. And if anyone ever tries to make them keep a secret from you, all the more reason to NOT keep that secret.

2. As early as preschool age, talk about the difference between “okay” and “not okay” touches, emphasizing that “not okay” is subjective and that any touch that the child doesn’t like is not okay. Teach the child to loudly say “no” or “stop”. Teach them to YELL, RUN and TELL if they ever feel scared, uncomfortable or confused. It is a good idea to be specific about types of touch that are NEVER okay, such as touching private parts, asking the child to touch someone else’s private parts or asking the child to take her clothes off.

3. Teach them to refuse a strangers’ request for help. Adults should approach other adults for help, never children.

4. Teach them to find a “safe person” if they are ever lost or separated from you. “A mom with kids who is nice to her kids” is a good example of a safe person.

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If your child ever discloses sexual abuse, contact your local police department and/ or social services, or contact RAINN for support and local referrals.

Photo by DigiDragon