The Blurry Line Between Online and Real-Life Relationships
Which friendships are more important to you? Your real-life ones or your online friendships? Do you see a difference at all?
I used to consider my real-life friends as “real friends”, while online relationships seemed more, well, virtual, and since they were less “real” to me, I didn’t put as much value on them. But this blog, and the relationships I am gradually forming through it, is making me rethink my initial attitude towards online friendships.
What other bloggers are saying about online friendships
Anyone who ever doubted that an online community can be a real community and provide people with real support, should read Jenn’s post over at BlogHer about going through a stillbirth and a miscarriage.
Jenn says: “Today, there are amazing resources to help a Mom go through such a horrible time. Support groups. Online groups. Blogs. Friends you have met through blogging. You can say what you need to and find love and support. I wish I had that 16 years ago.”. Jenn makes an important point: sometimes, especially when you go through a trauma, you find that your real-life support system fails miserably. In a situation like this, finding online friends that have been through the same experience can be a lifesaver.
Zoe makes a similar observation about people who belong to a minority group. Zoe is a lesbian, and she started blogging in an attempt to find others that are like her: “I started blogging to find me, and to find a place where I fit in. I started blogging to find other 30 something, long term coupled, RPG playing, video gaming lesbians, with less mainstream taste in movies and music, because in my town they don’t seem to exist.”
Suzie doesn’t feel alone anymore. She writes, “I had discovered that even though I live in a big city I had started to feel really alone… So I started blogging and I met people, all different types of people. I started feeling like I wasn’t so alone anymore.”
Sarah needed support when she chose a raw food diet lifestyle, and found it online. She says “I have made some precious, amazing friends because of my blog”.
Denise values her online friends at least as much as she values local ones. She says: “The internet has helped with that whole friendship thing, for me and my older kids. And, I’ll just be really honest and admit that it’s been a long time since I formed really strong bonds with members of my local community.”
Jan compares “blog pals” to pen pals and says “I’ve made a couple of good blog friends, and I’m sure there are more in the offing.”
Barbara writes about the power of an online community to transform a life. “Something about that online communication began to “fill her”, not with food, but with a sense of belonging. A sense of value.”
Joel mentions the benefits of participating in an online community. “Becoming a part of the online community isn’t just great because you can ease the feelings of web-worker loneliness and have some laughs, it’s great because it leads to long-lasting relationships and even new opportunities as far as that work-from-home career goes.”
Robin says, “when I began this blogging adventure 3 months ago I didn’t anticipate the feeling of community that has come with it.”
Amy acknowledges the importance of her online community of moms. She says, “through blog posts, comments, emails and tweets, I’ve been fortunate enough to become part of a community of women who truly care about each other.”
Speaking of Twitter
I used to be a BIG skeptic, but Twitter is a great tool for networking and for keeping in touch. In fact, since none of my real-life friends uses Twitter, I sometimes feel more in touch with my Twitter friends than I do with my real-life friends, because my real-life friends and I get together probably once a month or so, and email weekly, but my Twitter friends have a constant presence in my life through their frequent tweets.
Bloggers who meet in real life
In July, I am planning to attend BlogHer Conference ‘08 in San Francisco. I am excited to meet face to face with several bloggers whom I have really come to admire over the past few months. The BlogHer Conference illustrates the way in which “online” blends with “real-life”.
Some bloggers choose to hit the road and meet their readers in person. Bossy chose to do it on a large scale, others quietly find a way to meet online friends, then blog about it in their blogs.
When Robin and I jokingly talked, during a recent discussion, about my readers coming over for a dinner party at my house, I realized that it wasn’t really a joke. I would have been so happy to do that. Just imagine - a group of intelligent people that have strong opinions about anything and everything, yet know each other and share a common respect for each other. Wow. What a dinner party that would be.
The bad news
Since “online” and “real” are becoming one, the other side of the realness of online support is that online meanness is also very real and has a way of affecting one’s real life. And, since online meanness tends to be unfiltered, it can be even more devastating and cruel than real-life unkindness.
A Final thought: should we ditch the dichotomy?
Maybe we should just stop using the term “real-life” as opposed to “online”. Isn’t online just as real? Isn’t it part of of our real life? Beth Blecherman points out: “I am a true believer in online social networking for social and career development. I feel that people who don’t have an online presence will miss out the ability to keep in touch with large networks of people online - as well as the “real life” events and invites that are outcomes of those networks.”
I completely agree.
Photos credit: pensiero
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Joel Falconer responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 4:18 am →
Wow, two bits of link-love in one post - if that ain’t friendship, what is? Hehe. It is a blurry and hard-to-define line that separates “real life” and “online life.” Thank you for your friendship and the fun we’ve had commenting on each other’s blogs and communicating via Twitter these last few weeks.
Joel Falconer’s last blog post..Advertising on Your Blog: Choosing Revenue Sources
Robin responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 5:04 am →
I’ve been blogging for 3 months now and so far I have Harmony from Canada coming over to stay with us in Melbourne Australia, we are invited to stay in one of Shilpan’s hotels in Atlanta, and I’m still looking forward to that dinner at your place, Vered! These things have all been said light-heartedly, but there is the feeling they could be followed through if the occasion arose.
I’ve been thinking about the online friend phenomenon, too. While it might be easy to think of reasons why it isn’t “real”, it’s also true that we bloggers have quite a bit in common. Apart from sharing an interest in writing and ideas and so on, there’s a willingness to interact with people we don’t actually know… I think this shows a level of trust in life - which we also share.
Robin’s last blog post..Friday the 13th.
MizFit responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 5:19 am →
SUCH AN INTERESTING READ!
Im currently working on a nonfiction book proposal where Ive coined the term Strangerfriends(tm. HOW SAD IS IT THAT I FEEL THE NEED TO PUT THAT? Ive had a lot of my writing ‘borrowed’ on the net).
as in my experience ive grown quitequite close to a number of women Ive met on the internet and yet, if I passed them on the street, I mostly likely wouldnt even recognize them.
for me it is such a ‘time of life’ thing. mamahood can be so isolating that the internet has been a great thing for me with my personal blog (not the Miz.)
IM SO JEALOUS YOURE GOING TO BLOGHER!
M.
MizFit’s last blog post..Link Love & A Friday Freebie.
phyllis responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 6:17 am →
it is a great point — i always distinguish between IRL and online but you’re right, these friendships are real. i also feel a connection to the twitter-buddies that is in some ways more immediate than my face-to-face friends (most of whom i almost never see face-to-face, considering they live far away…) good post, very thought-provoking.
phyllis’s last blog post..Sh’lach L’cha…Sending out the Scouts!
Suzie responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 6:25 am →
All of my friends have moved away and the ones that I have left around here sort of dissapeared since I was on bed rest with my son. I go to work I come home and I spend time with my kids and family. I am busy from morning till night. I feel very alone. But since Ive been blogging I now have a community of friends. Its filled a void in my life. I feel very blessed to have found some very nice people who make me feel supported and like I have a community again. So yes i do find these friendships real
zoe responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 7:07 am →
It is strange how connected you can feel to people you’ve never met in person, but who you probably get to know better through blogging than if you did live in the same town and had a “real” friendship. There are times when I think, “I should ask (insert blog friend here) what they think about this?” There are many bloggers who’s opinion I hold in very high regard.
I know that I put myself out there a little more through my blogging than I do in person, I think many people are the same way. I also believe people are more willing to give you honest and truthful anwers and advice when there isn’t face to face interaction and expectation of agreement or fear of arguement and hurt feelings.
What I didn’t expect or anticipate about blogging, is how much it enriched and strengthened my existiing friendships. Many of pre-blogging friends are now bloggers, and those who aren’t read our blogs. It is amazing how much more our group comminucates and discusses things. Blogging has brought us closer together.
zoe’s last blog post..Kitty Pictures
Hunter Nuttall responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 7:30 am →
I used to think of “online friends” as being very different from “real friends.” And in some cases, that’s still true. Barack Obama is in my LinkedIn network, but I don’t think he’s going to invite me to a dinner party, even though I’m just outside D.C.
Facebook friends, MySpace friends, and so forth…I’ve never thought much of them. Anyone can click a button to add someone as a friend, but it doesn’t mean anything. But blogging has changed that, because it’s just so much more personal. You certainly have a different relationship with your blogging friends than with your in-the-flesh friends, but I no longer automatically think of virtual friends as second-class friends.
Hunter Nuttall’s last blog post..Do You Have A Squidoo Lens?
Dot H. responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 7:34 am →
Some good points here that made me rethink my own ideas. Back in the 80’s, before the Internet became really public, I belonged to some listserv-type groups and BBSs (bulletin board systems) for people who had been psychologically abused as children. They were very helpful to me, offering support and the knowledge that others had been there and knew what it was like. They also helped others who felt a great deal of shame about their past, such as those who were sexually abused, because they could participate without revealing their identities, while still being able to connect with others like themselves.
As for social networking tools like Twitter and all the others, they’re blocked by my company, and I don’t use the computer much outside of work, so I don’t use them. I have also noted that they seem to be overwhelmingly inhabited by those in their 20’s and 30’s, so that I find friends, but not usually friends my age, which is sometimes what I want.
hyrcan responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 7:50 am →
Aaarggghhh.
Sorry. But it drives me nuts when I hear people who talk about their friends on-line as not “real” friends. Bloggers, youtube, MMORPG (yes… world of warcraft
) any on-line tool used to connect people and let people meet and become friends, but then, from some reason we label them as not-real friends.
Wouldn’t that mean they aren’t friends at all.
Yes, you may never meet these people face to face, but that doesn’t make the emotional bond of friendship any less real. If something bad happens to them or they do something to break your trust it will hurt just the same. Sure the ego may try to protect itself and toss in that they weren’t “real” friends, but that doesn’t make it true, and in reality it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Human interaction, in person or from the other side of a keyboard is still interaction it can forge the same connections.
That being said, hiding from society around you and not taking part in life isn’t the answer either. Like all things in life we need balance, moderation. Zoe’s statement that she wanted to find folks like her, “but they don’t seem to exist in her town” should also be taken as a bit of a warning. If we don’t get to know our neighbors, or the people in the town you live, you’ll never know if there are others like you. And when that new 30something, RPG playing, video gaming lesbian moves to town she’s going to feel awful out of place.
My other thought, is that the face to face friends and the non-face to face friends are both only showing part of who they are, often one extreme or the other. So face to face friends often hide a bit of themselves under the guises of civility, or they may be quite shy for example and never really be the one to strike up conversions, or even feel comfortable joining conversations unless they already know the people talking. Where as when they are non-face to face they may start conversations, and even join in a conversation with long rambling comment posts even when they don’t really know anyone. Others may, because they buy into the “not-real” syndrome, not think about who they are posting to or about and thus not consider their emotional investment and spit vile things out with reckless disregard.
Meeting some one you know on-line in person, or interacting with someone on-line that you knew in person before, can allow you to understand them more than you would otherwise. Leading to possible friendship or strengthening the bonds of friendship that already exist.
As for dichotomy. I hate labels. I find them unnecessary and divisive. The fewer the better.
hyrcan’s last blog post..Change?
Amanda - The Mom Crowd responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 8:25 am →
Vered, where do you find the time to write these amazing posts? Seriously.
I just went through this last week when I talked about loneliness on my blog. I sort of down played the value of online friends in the post. But then the next morning I had a horrible morning and the comments on my post really uplifted me. It was then that I truly valued my online community.
I used to wonder how friendships online were made. Now I know, you comment, you join networks and you take a risk at being yourself just like off-line friends.
You just made me think about starting a women’s blogging group in San Antonio on meetup.com. I just might do it. I LOVE blogging, but none of my friends seem to care about it. I would love to meet folks off-line that care about SEO, twitter, and blog traffic.
I haven’t really started to follow any online friends on twitter yet. Maybe I will now. I love it and only have a handful of off-line friends that are apart of it. It is so much fun!
Amanda - The Mom Crowd’s last blog post..Commercially Speaking
Amanda - The Mom Crowd responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 8:28 am →
I agree with Zoe - “What I didn’t expect or anticipate about blogging, is how much it enriched and strengthened my existiing friendships. Many of pre-blogging friends are now bloggers, and those who aren’t read our blogs. It is amazing how much more our group comminucates and discusses things. Blogging has brought us closer together. ”
that has been true with me as well! I am able to keep up much more with my existing friends now that they started their family blogs. And my friends ask me questions about what I write on my personal blog.
Amanda - The Mom Crowd’s last blog post..Commercially Speaking
Marelisa responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 8:41 am →
I think many times our “real life” friends are our friends because of proximity: the people who sat next to you in class, your neighbors, the people who go to your gym, and so on. But many times you don’t have that much in common with them, other than the fact that they happen to be standing next to you. Since the internet gives you easy access to so many people, you have a better opportunity of finding people who share your same interests, likes, and dislikes.
When you spend so much time reading other people’s thoughts on their blogs, commenting on them, and then having them come over and read what you have to say and leave a comment about that, I do think that real friendships are created. A couple of times this week I’ve thought: “Oh, I should tell this to Vered;” “I wonder how Joel’s audio-porfolio presentation went;” “Where’s Shilpan, he hasn’t stopped by my blog in two days.” And I don’t even think that it’s necessary to meet in person, I think that internet friendships are already real enough.
Marelisa’s last blog post..The Elasticity of Time (Part 2)
theramblinghousewife responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 8:53 am →
I still keep the two completely separate (virtual friends and real-life friends)
But I have only been blogging since November of 07.
Would I love to meet-up with some of the bloggers that I read regularly??
Absolutely.
I would think my the people in my Google Reader would make for one heck of a cocktail party!
theramblinghousewife’s last blog post..And How Do You Spell That?
Becky responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 8:56 am →
Tricky question. See, I have made some virtual friends and I’m thrilled with the relationship I have with some of them, but I don’t know that I’ll ever meet any.
Why? No bloggers live by me. Stupid Midwest.
Ann responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 8:57 am →
I met my first “online” friends seven years ago on an iVillage weight-loss bulletin board. I don’t even think I knew what blogging was at that time! I’m teased for being extremely friendly (online and off), but some thought it went too far when one of my iVillage friends came to visit with homemade baby food for my newborn daughter!
I’ve seen the other side as well - the unkind, snarky side - of internet “friends”; I suspect people feel more comfortable saying certain things when it’s not face-to-face.
In any case, for me blogging is all about community and friendships!
Ann’s last blog post..My Rocks are in a Row
crunchy carpets responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 9:21 am →
The outpouring of concern and friendship that I received when I lost Scott was amazing from my online community.
I find more and more that I take my ‘online’ friendships as seriously as my ‘real life’ one’s….
these people are important even though we have not met.
Christina responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 9:29 am →
Wow! This is a deep read I really enjoyed it. I never really thought about the close relationship I have with the online community. I know that bloggers love to help and support other bloggers. I prime example is you, VERED. Thank you.
Christina’s last blog post..Our Direction [pic]
Jill responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 9:57 am →
I like to think that I am one of your real-life friends who’s at least as important as your online community… but reading your blog, and the discussions you have here, made me change my initial attitude as well. I can see how happy this blog is making you and I am very happy for you. I also think that some people need more social interaction than others, and a blog is a great way for people like you to reach out to more people than you can find in your immediate surroundings. Or maybe to reach out to more *interesting* people than you can find in your immediate surroundings.
Sabina Podjed responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 9:57 am →
I have met my first online friend about 10 years ago. We are still e-mail friends and I have also visited him once when I went to USA.
It is very easy to push a button and invite someone to become your friend. I’ve seen people who have 100 and more friends on their lists. I’m getting closer to that number, because I’m a member of several networks. Some are professional networks, some a networks with the purpose, and some are for fun. I’m even working on a development of an online community.
What I wanted to say is, that friendship is a relationship. You can not build a relationship with a click. Internet as a social media is only a medium. It only enables you to nurture relationships with your friends. And offers you a possibility to find people with similar interests (or problems and worries) which you maybe can’t find in your city or even in your state.
I’m glad that I have found so many interesting people on Twitter and I enjoy reading their blog posts. But I don’t have a feeling that they are my friends. Not yet, anyway. As I’ve sad, friendship is a relationship, and a relationship can start quickly, or grow slowly, or doesn’t start at all although you have clicked those “friends” or “following” buttons.
@spodjed
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 10:07 am →
Hello my friend, Vered,
If I’m talking to my real life friends about people I “meet” online I’ll say “my cyber friends”, but I think of the people I meet online as “friends”. When I look at the communities that form, not just on my blog, but on other blogs as well, these are people who truly care about each other, help each other and will often go the extra mile.
Because we can’t “see” our online friends doesn’t make them any less important. They’re people too. And just like those who cross our paths in real life, they, too, become important in our lives. If one day we all could meet, what a joyous day that would be.
Vered, thank you for the gift of your friendship and the link love, as well.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Free ‘n Easy Friday Finds
Bamboo Forest responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 10:34 am →
The more the merrier. If online friends in addition to in person friends enhances ones life - this is a good thing.
Bamboo Forest’s last blog post..How to Squash Negativity with Your Bare Hands
Sarah responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 11:06 am →
Vered, I can’t help but agree and disagree at the same time.
I agree because, most of my best IRL friends are like me - not real big phone people. And we all live far away now (after college) so email, Facebook and IM are the main ways we keep in touch and in a sense they’ve become virtual friends.
Also I’ve had many meaningful exchanges with online people that totally lifted my day, week or month. And, I met one of my very best friends through my blog. She happened to live in the same town, so we met. Then she moved away, but we still talk every single day…on IM.
But, through all that, I find that I miss a real true sense of community, I sometimes feel a little envious when I hear ladies talk about meeting up with their best friend or group of friends for weekly coffee or dinner or whatever. I don’t currently really have that right now and I do feel a big void in that regard and often get lonely. My hubby is my very best friend but I need fun girl time too!
Natural responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am →
What a great post and it’s something I’ve thought about a few times, regardless of how you communicate with people, if you’re getting to know someone “online” or “in person” through blogging or whatever, relationships are being formed. I think of my online “friends” as friends in my head, most of whom I will never meet, but I know so much about and vice versa. They are just as real and I often wonder how so and so is doing, the same as I would my regular friends and then I visit their blog to find out. A blog can be an invitation into someone’s home or someone’s life even if not physically. The people you meet online can and do have an influence in your life, sometimes we also need to be careful who we form alliances with because it’s real.
Natural’s last blog post..The First Pancake
MomGrind responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 11:56 am →
First I’d like to say that discussions like this one simply make my day and reinforce my reasons for blogging (yes, fame and fortune of course (ha) but most of all discussion and interaction). I want to thank each and every one of you for participating and for adding your input. How can anyone say that this interaction is not as important as real-life interaction?
@ Joel: I do consider you as a friend. Australia IS on my list of places to visit before I die and I have every intention of getting in touch with you if we plan a trip there. And, the only reason I’ve been tweeting less with you is that I am AVOIDING you after 9pm.
@ Robin: I completely agree that bloggers have a willingness to reach out, interact and trust. I think it’s more than a willingness actually – I think it’s a NEED.
@ MizFit: I’m impressed. A nonfiction book! Wow.
It’s definitely a ‘time of life’ thing. For me it was the other way around: I missed out on several years of blogging because I was too absorbed in raising two small children and didn’t feel the need for anything else.
I wish you were going to BlogHer. It would have been fun to chat with you in person and maybe show off my muscles.
@ phyllis: I have several close friends back in Israel. I only get to see them once a year, but they have been my friends for years and know me and accept me like family. Better than family, because they have the option to opt out of the friendship, yet they make the conscious choice, every time they email or call, to be my friends. Having said that, the daily presence of these friends in my life is significantly less intense than the daily presence of my online friends.
@ Suzie: I think yours is a case where real-life friendships disappoint, while online friendships remain constant. This is interesting, because people tend to say that online friendships are not real because they can disappear so easily, but real life friendships can go away too.
@ Zoe: You make a very good point. Written interactions can be deeper and more truthful than in-person interactions. There’s a level of honesty that we often avoid in real life.
I think it’s wonderful that blogging enriched your real-life friendships. It’s not the case for me. You would think that, since I live in the Silicon Valley, people would be very open to social media and blogging here, but they are surprisingly old-fashioned. Only two of my real-life friends have a blog; many of them consider blogging as an unnecessary exposure; many others refuse to have a Facebook account because it’s not respectable enough for them.
There’s a lot of fear around here about online exposure, and perhaps I’m naïve, but I just don’t get it. Since I don’t blog anonymously, there are obviously parts of me that I won’t share online, but I don’t think anything in this blog or in my Facebook/ Twitter accounts is the type of material that will “come back to haunt me”, as a real-life friend recently cautioned.
@ Hunter: I agree that there’s an important distinction between facebook/ linkedin “friends” and friends that you make through blogging. Blogging IS personal, and it creates a discussion and a real connection.
@ Dot H.: I am very sorry for what you went through as a child and glad that you were able to find help online. You raise an interesting point about age: I am in my late thirties and have online friends that are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s. I feel equally connected to all of them, and love that internet relationships break the age barrier, although I do know what you mean about sometimes relating more to people your own age.
@ hyrcan: “If something bad happens to them or they do something to break your trust it will hurt just the same. Sure the ego may try to protect itself and toss in that they weren’t “real” friends, but that doesn’t make it true, and in reality it doesn’t make it hurt any less.” This is very true. We open ourselves to our online friends and they certainly do have the power to hurt us. Just as they have the power to enrich our lives and make us happy.
“My other thought, is that the face to face friends and the non-face to face friends are both only showing part of who they are, often one extreme or the other.” This is also very true. Personally, I think I am very similar online and offline, but there are parts of me that I will never share – either online or in person.
“Meeting some one you know on-line in person, or interacting with someone on-line that you knew in person before, can allow you to understand them more than you would otherwise. Leading to possible friendship or strengthening the bonds of friendship that already exist.” I think this is exactly what happened to Zoe – and I envy her. My online and real-life communities are not connected at all, and it makes me feel as though I am missing out on an opportunity to strengthen both.
I hate labels too.
@ Amanda: “I LOVE blogging, but none of my friends seem to care about it.” This is exactly my reality. I would love to find a way to close the gap between my online and “real-life” communities too.
How do I find the time? I get an idea, jot it down, then slowly build it into a post, over several weeks usually, which gives me time to find others that have talked about the same subject and incorporate their ideas into the post.
@ Marelisa: “A couple of times this week I’ve thought: “Oh, I should tell this to Vered;” “I wonder how Joel’s audio-porfolio presentation went;” “Where’s Shilpan, he hasn’t stopped by my blog in two days.” And I don’t even think that it’s necessary to meet in person, I think that internet friendships are already real enough.” That is the sweetest, most thoughtful thing I have read in a long time. You are just so… awesome. I do consider you as a real friend (maybe I should add Panama to my list of places to visit before I die…). It is very true that we don’t choose our real-life friends as carefully as we choose our online friends, which in a way makes the online friendship MORE meaningful than the real-life one.
@ the rambling housewife: “I still keep the two completely separate (virtual friends and real-life friends)” – me too, but it’s not my choice – it’s my real-life friends’ choice not to participate in online communities and to be suspicious of them.
@ Becky: I can think of a blogger or two that I know who live in the Midwest.
@ Ann: you ARE very friendly. It’s one of the things I like about you. That online friend who came to visit you – that’s a beautiful story of friendship!
@ crunchy: I tend to feel the same. The more I participate in online communities, the more seriously I take it.
@ Christina: thank you.
@ Jill: Of course you are. You know you are!
It’s not that my real-life friends are not interesting. But they are all just like me, while online I get to meet people that are different: different ages, religions, races, backgrounds. It is stimulating and fascinating and I just love the diversity.
@ Sabina: I agree that friendship takes time. I think Joel Falconer says it on his blog somewhere: that online, just like in real life, friendship takes time and commitment and is not something that happens easily or quickly or automatically.
@ Barbara: See? I consider you as a friend too.
And I love this friendship, and the exchange of thoughts and ideas, and not meeting in person is just not important. The connection is still there.
@ Bamboo Forest: Absolutely!
@ Sarah: I love it when we disagree.
But I do agree with you on this one. I do have a real-life community. Ido and I host dinner parties (or brunches or barbecues or whatever) relatively often – about once a month. I have a few girlfriends that I meet once every few weeks – usually when we all want to go watch a chick flick that the husbands would NOT enjoy. And, through my kids’ play dates, I often get to have a cup of coffee and a few minutes of conversation with other moms.
So I guess I enjoy both worlds. Many of my real-life friends are on my Facebook list, but almost all of them are completely uninterested in blogging, which surprises me and sometimes upsets me. But I’m trying to respect that. When we blog, we sometimes forget that most people are still NOT into blogging and social media.
@ Natural: I do think about my blogging friends often. It is very real and I completely agree that one needs to be careful, because online friends are real and have the power to disappoint and hurt us. So far I’ve only had positive experiences with online friends, but I assume that the longer I keep at it, the higher the chances of getting hurt by someone. Just like in real life, the risk of getting hurt never stopped me from forming friendships and reaching out. It’s worth it.
Sarah responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 4:29 pm →
Sheesh we really are twins. 99% of my bestest friends simply REFUSE to blog. In fact! Sometimes I feel jealous when I read someone’s blog and it’s obvious that their entire family and all their best friends read and participate regularly, with each other’s blogs, unlike those of us who had to build up our blog community/readership from scratch.
More importantly, I put so much of myself out there on my blog you know - I’m a writer at heart and sometimes I feel sad that many of my IRL friends will never KNOW that side of me.
Sarah’s last blog post..Real Simple…Eating.
chris responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 4:58 pm →
I will keep this short because everyone has pretty much said what I want to say.
A friend is a friend no matter it’s real or online. Just like work friend and a friend from outside work shouldn’t be differentiated.
chris’s last blog post..Compulsory Education
Joel Falconer responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 7:57 pm →
Well, if you’re avoiding me for sending you offline… well, that’s just not worth it. I’m not sending you offline anymore.
Joel Falconer’s last blog post..Jump on Your Domain Name While You Still Can
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2008 at 10:16 pm →
Vered, how timely. I was just thinking about how I interact more with my online friends now than my offline friends. Your post just makes me realise that online friends can be “real” friends too. I can’t help feeling envious that most of the blogger mommies come from the States. (I’m from Singapore). It’s so much easier for you folks to bring your online friendships to offline through meet-ups and conventions.
It’s pretty much the same with my friends. None of them blogs nor share similar interests about writing.
Evelyn
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map’s last blog post..Experiencing The Gap: The Space Between Thoughts
Missy responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2008 at 2:09 am →
It’s such an interesting topic and this is a great post. I find myself increasingly referring to “a friend of mine” (an internet friend) when talking with a real-life friend. BlogHer is definitely going to break down the real/online barrier.
Missy’s last blog post..What I Want To Do Weekends, Part 6: BlogHer Sessions (Day One)
MizFit responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2008 at 3:08 am →
is it too late for me to do a fundraiser?
MizFit’s last blog post..Link Love & A Friday Freebie.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2008 at 9:49 am →
Actually Vered, we do have the Panama Canal, and that’s definitely trip worthy. However, Australia is also on my 100 thing to do before I die list, so if you let me know when you’re going we can go at the same time.
Marelisa’s last blog post..The Elasticity of Time (Part 2)
Audrey responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2008 at 10:56 am →
I have formed some incredible friendships online. I’ve actually met folks live also, either through their travels or through mine. One gal in particular, we’ve been friends over 5 years. We’ve never met, but I think we know everything about one another. There was just a friend connection there, the first time we emailed and it’s still there 5 years later.
Audrey’s last blog post..Chinese Casserole
MomGrind responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2008 at 12:57 pm →
@ Sarah: Well. Yes we are apparently twins.
I SO relate to both aspects – being jealous of those that have their family and friends participate in their blog; and feeling sad because my real-life friends choose to ignore, even criticize, a side of me that has become really important to me.
@ chris: I agree about work friends. Some of our closest real-life friends started out as work acquaintances. None of us works at the same place anymore, but we are still friends and see each other regularly.
@ Joel: Deal. I hated avoiding you anyway.
@ Evelyn: “It’s pretty much the same with my friends. None of them blogs nor share similar interests about writing.” I wonder if I should just accept it, instead of being upset by it. It was nice to see you making a comment on BlogHer, by the way.
@ Missy: “I find myself increasingly referring to “a friend of mine” (an internet friend) when talking with a real-life friend.” I do that too!
@ MizFit: a fundraiser so you can go to BlogHer? I think they are still open for registration… depends on how responsive you think your readers will be! It’s easy for me b/c I live right next to the conference so no flight/ hotel expenses.
@ Marelisa: when we plan a trip to Australia, I will get in touch with you and with Joel. I’m completely serious. Kelly from She-Power lives in Australia too. I intend to get in touch with her as well.
@ Audrey: “There was just a friend connection there, the first time we emailed”. I agree: you can sense a connection even if it’s not face to face, and it is just as real as face to face.
Alik | PracticeThis.com responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2008 at 1:20 pm →
“Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure it so real.
what if you were unable to wake from that dream, how would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?” - The Matrix movie…
While in the movie they are looking for the ways to unplug from the Matrix, we the bloggers and the online community is seeking to plug in. I found out that humans can learn tons of stuff from machines. Learn good stuff. Here is how software performance engineering can be applied to “real” life.
http://www.steve-olson.com/how-to-engineer-yourself-for-peak-performance
Crazy?
Alik | PracticeThis.com’s last blog post..Time Management - Do You Control Your Life Or Life Controls You?
Urban Panther responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2008 at 3:46 pm →
Is this so much different from good old fashioned letter writing? My dad spent a year in the army for his mandatory service when he was 18. There he met someone he has been corresponding with, by yearly letter, for almost 60 years. I realize the distinction is that he actually met the physical being, whereas in blogging the person is completely virtual, but it so easily could have drifted away. Especially since they have never seen each other since! It was the conscious effort of two young men, now two old men, who kept the relationship alive. They had to write letters; now we can blog.
I think the only caution I bring to developing relationships through the internet, is that we can easily ‘create’ who we want to present to the world when we write. In person, we cannot do this, or at least if we can, we can’t sustain it. I keep this in the back of my mind, but it certainly doesn’t take away from the pleasure I derive from ‘meeting’ new people.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Swabbing the deck
Sara responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2008 at 7:25 pm →
This question is only get to more important as blogging grows up. For me, the answer’s pretty easy, since most of my in-person friends are out of state anyway. I really do love Marelisa’s point. I have a feeling that I’d click better with some online folks than long-time friends, simply because these friendships are based on common interests. What could be a better foundation for lasting friendship?
Sara’s last blog post..Why Choose Simplicity?
Charlie Gilkey | Productive Flourishing responds:
Posted: June 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 am →
Somewhat shameless plug here, but I’m thinking that we should just drop the dichotomy - there was an interesting discussion about the the difference between offline and online friends a few weeks ago over at Productive Flourishing.
I now communicate more with my “online” friends than my “offline” friends, but that’s because I’m online more and my online friends are there.
Great post and great discussion.
I completely agree.”
Charlie Gilkey | Productive Flourishing’s last blog post..When Selling Gets in the Way of Sharing
MomGrind responds:
Posted: June 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 am →
@ Alik: Not crazy at all… just different and interesting. I have a friend who I think you might find interesting to talk with – Dan over at Artiphys. You should check out his blog if you have time.
@ Urban Panther: the story of your dad and his pen pal is really touching. No, it’s not that different. I wonder if people can create a blogging alter ego and stick with it for years. Seems to me like, when you write, you have to disclose at least SOME part of yourself.
@ Sara: I completely agree!
@ Charlie: Charlie my dear, you nearly gave me a heart attack when I realized that I wrote a post that is SO similar to a post that you wrote a few weeks ago. Especially since we both raise the same question at the end about ditching the dichotomy! You MUST know me enough by now to realize that if I had read your post prior to writing mine, I would have linked to you. Right? RIGHT?? Well I would. And thank you for linking to your post – great discussion there as well!
Ellen Wilson responds:
Posted: June 22nd, 2008 at 12:06 pm →
Hi Vered,
I have started pondering this issue also. You see so much online about gaining “numbers” or readers, and it seems so impersonal and fake. I want real people to visit my blog who care about me and what I have to say! I think that is what most people want, unless their selling something. But even if I am selling something, it just can’t be contrived, it’s not me.
I feel more connected to my blogging friends because I “see” them almost everyday. We have moved so much in the past 10 years that my friends are scattered all over and I haven’t developed any close friends in the community I’m living in yet.
I like real live people, but blogging friends are good, too!
Shilpan | successsoul.com responds:
Posted: June 22nd, 2008 at 4:52 pm →
Vered,
I thought that I’ve left a comment but I don’t see it so I’m writing this. If duplicated, you can yank one. I believe that on-line friendship is even stronger than off-line. On-line friendship involves friends who share similar interest and selflessness to help each other. Blogging is a good example. Joel just sent me an email last night asking if I’m OK. That means a lot to me. I have friends whom I know for a long time yet they have not even taken few minutes to go to my blog despite my several requests. I’m not angry about their lack of interest but I can clearly see both sides of the coin.
Shilpan
Shilpan | successsoul.com’s last blog post..How to Rejuvenate a Relationship
San Diego Momma responds:
Posted: June 22nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm →
I absolutely treasure the friendships I’ve made online. I believe the confessional nature of my blog has drawn other women to me who empathize and relate to what I go through…and vice versa. These relationships get real and deep quickly because blogging encourages me to tell my cyber friends things I’d never tell my “real” friends.
I feel like I really know my online friends because nearly every day, we check in with each other via our blogs. Also, the realtime nature of social networking lets you know what your virtual friends are experiencing as they’re experiencing it, allowing you to reach out to commiserate, share a laugh, whatever.
In real life these days, I’m more disconnected from my real live friends b/c we’re busy, too embarrased to say if we’re going through a hard time, whatever…but the web enables this instant connection to people with who you share a common bond.
With more and more people using the Internet, online relationships will become synonymous with in real life relationships.
San Diego Momma’s last blog post..100 Degrees and Rising
MomGrind responds:
Posted: June 22nd, 2008 at 9:28 pm →
@ Ellen: I agree! I don’t want to think of my online friends as “numbers”. It’s ridiculous.
@ Shilpan: that was so sweet of him. I can relate to your experience of real-life friends that are just not interested in your writing. I am slowly learning to accept it, and respect it, but it still makes me sad sometimes.
@ San Diego Momma: It is my experience too that I tend to open up more in writing. There’s something about in-person interaction that cause me to hold back.
Ilana-Davita responds:
Posted: June 23rd, 2008 at 1:36 am →
I tend to think that we make friends with some fellow bloggers beacause we share the same interests. Some people visit our blogs by chance or because of a topic which interests them. Frequent visitors are different. They come back because they like what we post, for various reasons I guess, and the relationships we develop this way might have developed if we had met in real life. Except we didn’t. Thanks to the Internet we have connected.
Ilana-Davita’s last blog post..Good News Too
SaiF responds:
Posted: June 23rd, 2008 at 2:07 am →
Hi Vered!
I think at first we tend to label people as online friends but I think we should stop it because the people ARE real! hahaha!
What I like to do is get on Skype and call them and then I’ll know they are real
Anyways, I wrote a comment today at Steven’s blog in response to yours but it didn’t go through so I hope you don’t mind if I send it here:
“@Tim Brownson & Vered: Hey Tim!
I think you guys might have a pre-conceived notion about the Law of Attraction, so I hope I can clear some things up =)
Sometimes, like Tim said, “If you believe in the physics of it, then there shouldn’t have to be a need to act other than just using your thoughts.”
Well, that’s very true in some cases.
However, I believe that for you to truly manifest something big like a million dollars, you have to take action.
And not any form of action but Inspired Action.
Inspired Action is what I believe transits what you visualize from the thought world to the physical world.
An Inspired Idea is received when you meditate or go into the Universal Mind as Charles F. Haanel calls it and ask for guidance on what to do next.
And when you have a nudge to do something, go do it now! “The Universe likes speed” as Dr Joe Vitale would say and I believe that’s true because for something to happen, everything has to be lined up at the right time, wouldn’t you say?
That’s taking Inspired Action.
Honestly, I live a life of Inspired Action. I make no plans. I “let go and let God” as Bob Proctor would say, and as a result, in just 6 months time I went from nobody with no experience to having 13 people now who are willing and able to pay me $300-$600 per month for my Inspired Action Coaching Program.
I tell you that because Vered said, “of course you have to wonder, why not picture a briefcase filled with money?”
And I did just that. Well not a briefcase… More like a bucket of money hurled into my life (that’s on my vision board by the way)
So, I’d like to conclude that the Law of Attraction attracts OPPORTUNITIES to you (and sometimes, yes! It does give you what you want w/o action) but if you really wanna make it a worthwhile attraction, go take some Inspired Action!”
To Constant & Never-Ending Improvement,
SaiF
Founder of the Inspired
Action Coaching Program
P.S. I have written a free report on The Law of Inspired Action if you’d like to know more about how to take Inspired Action and REALLY manifest some of those dreams of yours
SaiF’s last blog post..2nd Inspired Action Scholarship Winner Announced!
When Two Bloggers Write an Almost-Identical Post - MomGrind responds:
Posted: June 23rd, 2008 at 4:03 am →
[…] Gilkey left a comment on my post “The Blurry Line Between Online and Real-Life Relationships”, which made it […]
15 Minutes Of Fame - Again?? - MomGrind responds:
Posted: June 24th, 2008 at 8:32 am →
[…] The Blurry Line Between Online And Real-Life Relationships […]
MomGrind responds:
Posted: June 24th, 2008 at 1:01 pm →
@ Ilana-Davita: “the relationships we develop this way might have developed if we had met in real life. Except we didn’t. Thanks to the Internet we have connected.” I agree!
@ SaiF: As I said on your own blog, I love that you are so positive. It’s refreshing.
On Simplicity » Blog Archive » Weekly Links: Gone Swimming responds:
Posted: June 25th, 2008 at 2:02 am →
[…] at MomGrind, Vered asks whether there’s a difference between online and real-life relationships. The answer she comes up with seems like the simplest one: […]
Zandria responds:
Posted: June 25th, 2008 at 1:02 pm →
I’d say there’s a line between the bloggers I have and haven’t met in real life, but some of the ones I HAVE met in real life? Have become good friends.
Zandria’s last blog post..Advantages of Working Out with Weights
MomGrind responds:
Posted: June 25th, 2008 at 9:21 pm →
@ Zan: Interesting. I am looking forward to BlogHer - excited about meeting in person some of the amazing people that I have met online during the last four months.
Happy Birthday to me! :: hippie dippie bébé responds:
Posted: July 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm →
[…] Posts like This Community, This Family from To Think is to Create, and MomGrind’s post on online friendships inspire me to continue exploring the online community. And finally, so inspiring have been those of […]
131 Star Bloggers and Their Best Posts | Catherine Lawson responds:
Posted: July 17th, 2008 at 7:39 pm →
[…] amazingly popular. Her great posts include: Will You Still Love Me When I’m Sixty Four? and The Blurry Line Between Online And Real Relationships. Robert Hill is a great guy. Originally from Texas, he emigrated to Australia and wrote the book: […]
Oops. Outed. | MomGrind responds:
Posted: August 4th, 2008 at 4:00 am →
[…] between her real-life identity and her blogger identity, was not so clear after all. The two worlds can and do […]