Hate Mail: Apparently, I’m a Bad Mom
Image credit: blakeemrys
An anonymous reader recently informed me, via email, that I’m a bad mom.
She said: “You say you are a mommy blogger, but you never write about your kids. Other mommy bloggers write about their kids and show them off. You write as if you’re single. It’s hard to believe you have kids at all. Do you ever think about them or is your pretty head so filled with fashion and other stupid thoughts that you don’t even notice your children?”
Um. OK let me see. Where do I start?
Hate mail is interesting. It is bursting with negativity and raw emotion. It always takes me by surprise to see that people can have such a strong emotional reaction to someone they’ve never met. When I received my first hate mail, I was crushed. I had a very hard time accepting that someone could feel so much HATE towards me without even knowing me.
This email? It wasn’t exactly a pleasant read, but this is just ridiculous.
But MomGrind is MY little corner of the internet. It is my escape. Being a mom is the hardest, most rewarding work I have ever done. I am doing it very well and am having lots of fun with it (when I’m not pulling my hair out in frustration), but being a mom does tend to be draining and all-consuming. Children have a way of making themselves your first priority, and you can’t help but put yourself second. This is a very good thing, because children’s survival depends on them being our first priority.
But sometimes you want to be reminded that you are a person too. That even though you are now responsible for the well being and survival of these little human beings, even though they are the most important thing in your life, you can still have a conversation that is NOT centered on kids. You can still have thoughts and ideas and opinions that touch on issues other than parenting.
MomGrind fulfills that need for me.
Even if I wanted to write about my children here, I wouldn’t be very good at it. Being a parent and loving your children does not necessarily translate into writing well about your love. I completely related when Denise Tanton of Flamingo House Happenings wrote, a few months ago, ” I don’t do mommy blogging very well because I’m not the sentimental sort.”
Take Her Bad Mother, for example. I could never write like Catherine does. Other parents that blog really well about family issues are Dooce (duh), Don Mills Diva, Chris of Wat da Wat, Shannon of Rocks In My Dryer, Sean of Writer Dad and Suzie of Up The Hill Backwards.
These bloggers write about family life in a way that makes it interesting to read. Their posts make you laugh, and cry, and identify with what they are saying. If I were to write about my family life, I would bore you all to death.
I happen to know and admire many other parents who choose to focus their blog on their business or on other issues, writing about their kids only occasionally, if at all. This does not make them lesser parents. It just means that their blog is a business, or an outlet for something other than parenting.
A few who come to mind are Leo Babauta of Zen Habits, Darren Rowse of ProBlogger, Evelyn Lim of Attraction Mind Map, Cath Lawson, Kelly of She-Power, MizFit, Kim Woodbridge, Peter Clemens of The Change Blog, and if I forgot to include you please forgive me, it is almost midnight and I am tired after a full day of parenting and working.
Have you ever received hate mail? How did you handle it?
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Scott McIntyre responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 1:34 am →
I notice that the reader didn’t have the courage of their convictions to put their name to their email, Vered.
It is a cowardly gesture.
While I’m sure it must have upset you, I guess I’d say that you know the truth- and that is all that matters.
You write with such warmth and tenderness when you do mention your children, that i fail to see how anyone could accuse you of being a bad mom.
I’ve yet to receive hate mail. Maybe one day I will.
I look forward to reading the comments of those that have.
MizFit responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 2:07 am →
I havent…yet.
though I have received many angry missives when people have asked for more than I have chosen to give (for example extended workout programs and telling them precisely what to eat).
can I tell you how much I love this sentence: you write as if you’re single. for some reason it made me laugh and imagine you sitting with a six pack, a few computer windows open to dating sites, men traipsing in & out of your office at odd hours…..in my tired up late with Toddler head I chose to be silly and read it as your MANNER OF WRITING—-but I digress.
the email is definitely one which has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU—-and my psychology background is now curious what the HECK is going on in that person’s work s/he would even take the time to type it.
I do have a blog where I ramble on and on and O N about my daughter—pictures and all.
it’s called a private blog
MizFit’s last blog post..The MBT tee/water bottle combo winners are…
Lance responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 2:23 am →
Apparently, your a great Mom Vered. You take time to break away from your children – and stay connected to other desires and needs you have. What you write about doesn’t matter – as long as you enjoy it. I, for one, appreciate what you write here. That you’re a Mom is cool and awesome, but that’s not why I come here. I come here because I like your writing style. Don’t change!
Lance’s last blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day
Avital responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 2:53 am →
Kudos for having such a great and engaging blog that people develop such intense feelings towards it…
Dave Fowler responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 3:03 am →
It is so important to have time away from the children. I saw that only too clearly with my wife when she went back to work after nursing each of our four children. I immediately saw a change in her outlook on life. Mixing with adults and achieving things at work brought a real boost to her self esteem.
My very first post got me some hate mail suggesting that I should kill myself. How crazy is that? I feel fortunate as I’m used to feeling hated, so it didn’t bother me. And how crazy is that? Hehehe.
You just keep being you.
Dave Fowler’s last blog post..Women’s Work: The Hardest Work I’ve Ever Done
Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 3:06 am →
Sheesh. I don’t understand how people can comment like that on someone’s blog when if it’s not your cup of tea you surely just move on and read another one.? Sure some things on the likes of Dooce and Her Bad Mother can be offensive, but if you don’t like that style then you just don’t read it.
I think you’re doing a grand job and you shouldn’t let one little comment (out of the many many other positive ones you receive) get to you.
Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk’s last blog post..Check your sanity in at the front door and join the party
Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 3:24 am →
Vered
I really am speechless. I can’t believe you’ve had two pieces of hate mail. I just read your old blog post and was shocked that someone would take time out of their day to write stuff liek that to a perfect stranger. I haven’t had any hate mail before so I really had no idea someone as uncontroversial as yourself could elicit this reaction.
But seriously you know it’s their problem, right? This woman (I’m guessing) who wrote you this latest email is probably having trouble with her own mixed feelings about parenting and so she lashes out at you for daring to talk about anything else other than your children. Leave her with her issues because what you said was right. There are lots of us who adore our kids but have no desire or ability to advise or talk about our children in an entertaining way. I know my son CONSUMES my life so my blog is a little world that is all mine. I won’t apologize for it and neither should you.
Kelly
Kelly@SHE-POWER’s last blog post..Bloggers Unite for Darfur and Launch TrainforHumanity.org
Cath Lawson responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 3:27 am →
Hi Vered – the person who emailed you sounds like a nut. It’s up to you what you write about. And I think it’s tough to be a good parent if you don’t have a bit of child-free space.
I’ve never been keen on blogging about my children because of safety issues, aside from anything else. And when I look at some of the horrid search strings in my stats it puts me off using their pics on my blog too.
Natural responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 3:40 am →
Vered you said everything just beautifully. The way I blog, you would think I lived on the moon. Very rarely do I blog about my daughter, significant other (or insignificant other heheh), family, friends. My blog, like you said is MY little corner carved out just for ME. Some moms are so wrapped up in putting everyone first that they forget they are a person who has other needs and interest besides their kids,hubby, etc. Doesn’t mean we don’t love them, but we recognize that we are also individuals too and we need to do something just for us sometimes. Women spend so much time giving and taking care of everyone else, that they don’t pay attention to themselves…..later on life when kids/hubby are gone, they don’t know who they are or what to do with themselves.
I would have been hot mad because that person doesn’t know you and for pete’s sake, this is your blog. You can blog about whatever you want. I’m a mommy blogger, I’m a mom and I blog, so what. How many pictures and stories can people take about your (not yours) kids.
Give me a break. I have not received hate mail, but I got a nasty one when I edited a response on a guest post that my daughter did….the person didn’t like it and explained to her why I did it and she understood.
Of course, you’re a bad mommy, but how many daddy bloggers out there spend all their time talking about their kids. Give me a break.
Who is she to judge. People make me sick.
Natural’s last blog post..EntreCard Therapy
Max Forlani responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 4:31 am →
Hi Vered,
I’ve luckily never had hate-mail so far, but I’ve been warned about it and read some tips on how to handle those on sites like Problogger.
And I think you handled it very well. Personally, I don’t understand hate-mail writers. If you don’t like a blog or disagree with the visions and/or standards of the writer, don’t read it any more. Nobody forces you to keep on reading a certain blog.
Btw, is it because my baby is not born yet that I’m not in the blogging-parent list yet?
Max Forlani’s last blog post..9 Facts About the Uterus and the Placenta Every Expecting Dad Should Know
Glen Allsopp responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 4:53 am →
It makes you wonder where people get the time and energy to waste it on writing emails like that
Ignore the haters
Glen Allsopp’s last blog post..Why I Chose Office Life over Working from Home
Joel Falconer responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 5:03 am →
Thanks for the mention!
I work at Lifehack, so yeah, I’ve had my share of hate mail! Mostly in the form of comments – on bigger, multi-author sites, they can get particularly nasty quite frequently. I didn’t have a thick skin before I started blogging, but you can bet I do now.
Ellen Wilson responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 5:10 am →
Vered,
This about takes the cake for me. I love the way these women pick on your looks and intelligence. Like, we will totally demean you by insulting your body size and intelligence, because MY GOD you are NOT a real MOMMY! You are not SACRIFICING enough! Give me a break.
I think these women are threatened by you, because perhaps you are redefining what it means to be a mommy woman person and they don’t like it.
I have to agree with what Scott M (have to look link up again and will lost my comment) says in that you are doing something right if people have a strong reaction to you. And really, I suppose that’s what the give and take of communication is when you have an opinion.
Anyway, MomGrind doesn’t have to be your little corner, it can be your BIG fat comfy cushion of the UNIVERSE! Haaa!
So don’t shrink in order to make these people happy. Make yourself bigger.
Ellen Wilson’s last blog post..Clean the Toilet and Become a Writer
Evelyn Lim responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 5:11 am →
I don’t believe this. Just because you do not write about your kids in every post makes you a bad mom? What kind of logic is this? I am a little peeved at the moment because I happen to like you and this blog very much.
I second the thought that this is your blog. You can choose to write whatever you want to. You are also entitled to ignore the hate mail and carry on doing whatever that sings to your soul.
I also agree that some of us just prefers to write about topics that are not about our kids. While we love our kids, we also have other passions and interests. Now, this is what I call leading a balanced life!
Thanks for remembering me and linking to my site, btw!!
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..Hire A Dream Team For Creative Visualization
Mike Goad responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 5:31 am →
I’ve not received much negative e-mail. If I did, it would probably bother me a bit as, believe it or not, I am a bit sensitive sometimes.
If all you did was write about your kids or did the typical mommy blogger type of posts, I probably wouldn’t be reading. I have nothing against mommy blogs in general. Blogs of any type that go into the specifics of day to day life just are not my “cup of tea.”
Please keep doing what you do so well!
Writer Dad responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 6:10 am →
First of all, anonymous = coward. Don’t give them any mind. Second, it’s terrific that you know your strengths, and aren’t just blogging the way you’re “supposed to.” I’ve never received any hate mail, but I’m sure it would make me feel feisty. The anonymous part would bother me more than the actual hate mail though, I think. Sorry someone was unkind to you; you certainly don’t deserve it. By the way, thanks for the mention.
Writer Dad’s last blog post..The Ninth Wonder?
Dot responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 6:51 am →
You wrote a great response. Before the Internet, I remembering hearing many moms complain about having to talk baby talk all day and rarely having any adult conversation that wasn’t about the children. We need to nurture our selves in order to be able to nurture others.
I haven’t had any hate mail, but I have had an irate message. Fortunately, I had seen how Leo Babauta handled irate messages and I followed his lead — waited till I calmed down, responded calmly. He also thanked them (I didn’t) and asked for more detailed feedback if they weren’t being clear, but the message I got was clear and had a valid point.
To some extent I can relate to those who write these messages. Over the 18 years since I was first told I had two incurable illnesses that caused constant pain and fatigue, and then later acquired additional pain (arthritis, sciatica, kidney stones), I have sometimes had anger management problems. You can rage at the universe, but it doesn’t change anything, and sometimes the least little thing can just be too much. I always say, when I die the first place I’m going is to the Complaint Desk, because there’s nowhere to take my grievances here on earth.
I got into a nasty argument with a man on the subway recently after he bashed me in the shoulder with his briefcase and simulaneously kicked me in the ankle as he was trying to get past. It really hurt, and I was already in so much pain that week. He blamed me for not moving into the center of the car, which only added fuel to the fire. That was when I knew I had to deal with my anger, which I did, and I wrote a post on regaining your serenity when life makes you furious.
So when I got the irate message on my blog I figured the person must have something seriously bothering them that I didn’t know about. Don’t know if that helps.
Suzie responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 6:54 am →
How upsetting. I would be devistated. I am glad you are handling it so well. I have no idea why someone would say that. The tone was mean and nasty. Its so hard to not take those thing personally. Ive never had hate mail I hope I dont as Im not sure I would be as mature as you.
Thanks for the shout out. You can call yourself a mom blogger whatever the topic you blog you have kids it adds up. I hope that angry woman takes a hard look at herself and considers why she directed that meanness towards someone as nice as you in the first place.
Stacey / CreateaBalance responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 7:23 am →
I have not received hate mail (yet). SARK (one of my mentors) tells me to be prepared to OBSERVE the negative comments and not to REACT to them (easier said than done). I did recently notice that someone took the time to indicate on StumbleUpon that they did not like my blog. This did automatically make my lower lip frown…but I’m moving on. Not everyone will like me. I just hope enough people can connect with my writing and my blog so I can continue to do what I love.
Stacey / CreateaBalance’s last blog post..Revisiting Life Passion – Part One
Emily responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 7:36 am →
Such silliness.
Jealousy is an ugly thing and that’s all this sounds like to me.
I think it’s astonishing that people seem to want to control what a blogger blogs about. Bloggers should just do their thing and if people want to read it, great. Why would someone want to make a blogger write about something? Go find another blogger who writes about it.
As for the hate mail, I have secretly been waiting for my first harsh criticism. I’ll know I’ve really made it big then. The more popular you are, the louder the negative voices I’ve found. So, consider yourself popular and that you’re big time now!
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 7:40 am →
It’s very clear to all who comment here what a wonderful person and Mom you are. Those who judge so harshly probably complain about a lot of things. There vision needs to be turned within and then they’d find something to really judge.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work’s last blog post..Finding Your Business Sweet Spot
Mark Salinas responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 7:57 am →
I love your writing! Nice links as well! Don’t change stay you!
Mark Salinas’s last blog post..Music and Health by Andrea May
Vintage Mommy responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:15 am →
Good Lord, Vered! If that person wants to read traditional mommy blogs, there are a zillion options out there, as you know. In the meantime, you know I support you and join you in holding a “little corner of the internet” for ourselves while we recharge from the demands of parenting – as wonderful as they are. In my opinion you’re setting an excellent example for your girls as a strong, creative, independent woman!
I’m sorry that happened, but the silver lining is that it’s a symbol of your success.
Irene | Light Beckons responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:16 am →
Vered, I agree with Tom and I think he said it best. It’s funny … I’ve always thought you’re a wonderful modern mom who knows her stuff, who’s fashionable, witty and has a cool brain. You are a mommy blogger who shows us that being a mother does not mean you have to be “typical” or boring. Look, I have respect for all types of moms (as long as they’re good to their kids) — I’m a weird mom myself (ha!), so I’m not just saying all that to make anyone happy … but seriously, give this girl a break! Don’t let those hate mail bother you Vered … if anything, they’re just signs that your blog is getting a lot of attention.
Irene | Light Beckons’s last blog post..Epiphanies From Freaking Out
Vintage Mommy responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:22 am →
PS thanks for the link – sorry it was for this reason!
Vintage Mommy’s last blog post..I’m Definitely NOT an Early Adopter
Urban Panther responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:24 am →
Fascinating. First, I have no respect for anyone who critisizes without first revealing who they are, and second following up with constructive feedback on how to improve what they find lacking. And everyone in the above comments has very nicely addressed our right as bloggers to write what works best for us. So, I will address the question as to whether I have received hate mail. No, I haven’t, but then I don’t have contact information on my blogsite. So, I put this question out:
@Everyone – do you have contact info on your sites? If so, do you receive emails because of it? What do people write to you about? Do you recommend putting contact info on my site? Thanks!
As always, Vered, you have sparked some very interesting dialogue. Thanks.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Grease monkey or hair goddess?
BC Doan responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:26 am →
Although I’m new here, but I’ve read many great posts from you. Just do what you do best because you really don’t have to talk about your kids online to anyone.
BC Doan’s last blog post..Support "Train For Humanity"
Carla responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:39 am →
I wouldn’t be here if you only talked about your children. I have no living children so this blog would be no of relevance to me and probably many other people here. I love your writing and your style (and I’m not alone in this) so please don’t change a thing! I smell jealously.
Carla’s last blog post..Fire retardant chemicals found in toddlers’ blood
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:58 am →
Wow Vered!
First thank you SO much for the mention. I don’t believe that I should be written about in the same paragraph as ProBlogger and Zen Habits, but I’ll take the compliment.
I will never understand negativity like that. Move on and go read something else. That person must be filled with so much anger to take the time to sit down and write an email like that. Life is too short for me to bother. I’ve never even left a negative comment. Since, I write about technology I will correct someone in a comment if they have given incorrect information but usually I comment to add to the conversation or to thank someone. I will, however, take the time to write an email complimenting someone on their site.
As we all know besides having an awesome writing style, Vered CARES about her community. We all know that she uses commentluv to follow the links to our sites, read our articles, and leave a comment. I try to do the same on my site but don’t have even close to the number of commenters and am amazed that Vered finds the time. I applaud her for it.
@UrbanPanther – I have contact info on my site and haven’t had a problem with it yet. I do, however, use a 2nd email address that forwards to my permanent email. I’m more concerned about spam than hate mail. I even have a phone number.
Kim Woodbridge’s last blog post..(Anti) Social-Lists – 9/14/08
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 9:23 am →
@ Scott: No doubt, the most negative emails and comments are always left by anonymous people. I agree: they are cowards.
@ MizFit: I love the picture you painted.
I am slowly learning that this type of criticism has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the person who wrote it. Still, it stings a little.
@ Lance: Thank you. You are always so supportive. I really appreciate it.
@ Avital: Thank you.
@ Dave: “My very first post got me some hate mail suggesting that I should kill myself.” Seriously? Wow. How come you’re used to feeling hated???
@ Tara: I agree! If you don’t like a blog, you just move on. There are so many to choose from. I don’t know what makes anyone take the time to write such negative feedback.
@ Kelly: This is one of the things that I am learning through blogging: when someone lashes out at you, it’s THEIR problem, not yours.
@ Cath: “And when I look at some of the horrid search strings in my stats it puts me off using their pics on my blog too.” I know. Some of these searches are HORRIBLE. I’m not even sure it’s a safety issue, because it’s unlikely that non-local perverts would actually come looking for us in real life, but just the idea of these people reading our blogs is sickening. By the way, I’ve been advised by a couple of real-life friends against posting my own photos here. So far I’ve ignored it, but they might have a point.
@ Natural: “Doesn’t mean we don’t love them, but we recognize that we are also individuals too and we need to do something just for us sometimes.” EXACTLY. I am thinking that Kelly is right: that woman has issues with her own parenting, and she took it out on me.
@ Max: “Personally, I don’t understand hate-mail writers. If you don’t like a blog or disagree with the visions and/or standards of the writer, don’t read it any more.” Exactly! Hmmm… sorry that I didn’t include you in the list. Next time.
@ Glen: Ignore the haters is a good strategy. I too have no idea what makes someone take the time to write such a thing.
@ Joel: “I didn’t have a thick skin before I started blogging, but you can bet I do now.” I’m still working on growing a thicker skin.
@ Ellen: You are awesome, you know? Of course you know. But I’ll say it anyway.
I don’t know why someone would hate me because of these things. I am certainly not perfect and have my own issues. We all do. I just don’t highlight them on the blog. Can you only be liked if you expose your vulnerabilities? Perhaps. But a blog is too public for me to do that.
@ Evelyn: You are such a good friend. Thank you. I agree that if anything, this means we are leading balanced lives, rather than focusing all of our energy on a single aspect.
@ Mike: Of course you can be sensitive. That post about your wife’s illness was amazing. It was sentimental and beautifully written. “Please keep doing what you do so well!” – I plan to.
@ Writer Dad: “anonymous = coward”. I agree. This is really the best way to handle it: realize that anyone who stays anonymous doesn’t deserve a second thought.
@ Dot: I saw that comment on your blog. It was nasty indeed. Your reaction was wonderful. It’s true that anyone who takes the time to write such an angry comment has issues. Otherwise, when you read someone you disagree with, you just move on. Or you write a polite comment that states your opinion. But personal insults are likely an indication that the writer of the comment/ email has issues.
@ Suzie: You know, the first hate mail, in April, was devastating. But this one – much less. I think I am learning that people who are nasty have issues. That someone who is happy with herself would never attack someone else like that. Or maybe it’s the very fact that it’s not the first one. I don’t know. But it was easier for me to handle this one than the first.
@ Stacey: “Not everyone will like me.” It’s VERY important to accept that. I am getting better at it. Realizing that you can’t make everyone happy all the time, that some people will NOT like you, and – most importantly – that it’s OK if they don’t.
@ Emily: Yay, I have arrived as a blogger.
Actually, this email was sent after one of my posts received a lot of exposure in social media. So I think you’re right: the more exposure you receive, the more negative comments you are going to attract.
@ Tom: Thank you.
I am not wonderful. But I am OK and I am certainly not a bad mom or a bad person. I agree that there are issues here that the person needs to examine rather than direct her anger at someone else.
@ Mark: I will.
@ Vintage Mommy: “In my opinion you’re setting an excellent example for your girls as a strong, creative, independent woman!” THANK YOU.
@ Irene: Thank you.
I should have linked to you. Sorry. 
I think it’s REALLY important to stay YOU even after having children. I guess not everyone agrees.
@ Urban Panther: Oh no, I should have listed you too! OK, I’ll answer your questions: I do think that including contact info is important. I receive MANY emails that are highly supportive and also some emails that ask for help or advice. I also received a couple of advertising deals from businesses that used my contact info to find me. Hate mail is actually very rare. Needless to say, there should be a separate email address dedicated to this.
@ BC Doan: “Just do what you do best” – I agree: this is the best strategy.
@ Carla: Thank you so much for your support. I do hope it was just jealousy.
@ Kim: “That person must be filled with so much anger to take the time to sit down and write an email like that.” I agree. And she needs to find a better way to address that anger than attacking people that she doesn’t even know.
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 9:40 am →
Hi Vered,
From reading the words of this email, to me it sounds like this “person” is jealous of your “prettiness”, the popularity of your blog, and your ability to write about subjects other than your children. I think it’s great you use your blog to share issues that are important to you (as a woman AND a mom) and take time for yourself (which makes you a better mom).
Don’t let those words bother you Vered. To me, you’re still my favorite “Kool-Aid mom of the block”, (or should I say “blogk”?), and based on the previous comments, it’s obvious many other feel the same.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Mini Meme – Open Mic – Free Ebook
betsy responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 9:47 am →
What a shame you felt compelled to rationalize your decision to blog about something other than parenthood. The “you write as if you were single” line is particularly disturbing. I once got a comment from a reader who accused me of being gay (oh the horror) and wondered why I bothered having children at all. My blog post had been about secretly hoping my daughter would want to wear hockey skates rather than figure skates. It takes all kinds, I guess. I for one, am glad for the advice you offer here.
zoe responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 9:49 am →
I’ve never really understood why someone would send hate mail. If you don’t like what you read, move on. There are millions of blogs out there to choose from. I’m not saying you should only read blogs that have view points that you necessarily agree with all the time, but why get so angry with another blogger that you send hate mail?
In my 3 years of blogging I have never once recieved hate mail, or even negative comments. Of course, I’m not really a popular blogger either, and by that I mean, my readership is not large. But still, I’ve known lots of gay bloggers, with small readership, who attract trolls who send hate mail, or leave ugly comments. Too many.
I’m sure you’re a great mom. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t thoughts other than your children. Good lord. One of the thing that scares me the most about becoming a parent is losing my own identity, and having no intrests of my own.
zoe’s last blog post..When I Walk
Dave Fowler responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 10:04 am →
Vered, I stood face to face with people who hated me for no other reason than I wore a uniform. Of course to be able to look the person in the eye probably makes it easier to deal with, but honestly I got used to it very quickly. I learnt to understand that people don’t need a valid reason to hate. They just hate. This kind of hatred I was able to dismiss easily as there was nothing that I could do about it. I certainly wasn’t going to let their hate problem become mine.
Keep smiling Vered, don’t let them ‘momgrind’ you down.
Becky responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 10:18 am →
You know, I *do* get my share of hatred on the old Interwebs. It’s almost always from someone who doesn’t really understand what I was trying to say, or I said it poorly, or they were too stupid to understand something implied. Those don’t bother me too much, aside from wanting them to explain myself more thoroughly so they get it before they hate on me. These are the ones that make me laugh.
The ones I really dislike are the people who, when I rant about something–not something I often do–tell me how much I take for granted and how spoiled I sound. Because a reader only gets a small portion of who I am from my blog, and probably will only get me if they’ve read awhile, they’re missing out on the bigger picture. It makes me sad, not because they voice their opinion, but because they make me feel like I should be defensive before I’m attacked.
Obviously, I work through it, but I’m careful about my rants.
Daniel Richard responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 10:20 am →
Lol. Maybe I should start writing about my friends and team more before I start getting hatemail such as that which you received.
Prolly writing about people closer to me isn’t the most natural thought that came to mind, and maybe they too might need that lil’ privacy? Hmmmm…
“This email? It wasn’t exactly a pleasant read, but this is just ridiculous.”
Right on. That mail ain’t gonna keep ya down Vered!
Daniel Richard’s last blog post..What’s An Ideavirus?
Wendi Kelly-Life's Little Inspirations responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 11:22 am →
This is so sad that someone can’t find a better way to spend their time. You have a fun and wonderful site here and if this person had taken even a small amount of time to read and enjoy it, the purpose of your site would have been clear. I am sure you are a wonderful mom. It takes a smart mom to know that you have to take time to re-charge your own batteries so that you will have enough juice to give back to the world.
Notice all the love coming your way and wipe that person’s dust off your feet as you walk away from them.
Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirations’s last blog post..A Letter to the World
nottryingforaboy responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 11:32 am →
Oh please. As if the only thing you could ever do, think, exist for is taking care of your children. That person, I mean coward as they didn’t leave their name, should really get off their computer and put the energy they have telling others how to use their blog towards spending them with their own children. Or maybe not. They can use there energy to write hate email instead, just like you do what you want.
You don’t have to justify anything to anyone.
nottryingforaboy’s last blog post..
nottryingforaboy responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 11:33 am →
Nice spelling errors- maybe I should use my energy to go back to first grade. Or maybe not.
nottryingforaboy’s last blog post..
SpaceAgeSage responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 12:02 pm →
Oh the witless ones who think they can change the world through hate! Vered, someone once suggested seeing such a person as a very small, barking dog and imagining the dog barking out the words in the email as it jumps up and down with it’s miniature anger raging all of a few inches high. Sometimes this perspective whittles down the impact of the words.
SpaceAgeSage’s last blog post..SpaceAgeSage joins 9rules Blog Network
Adrenalynn responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 12:05 pm →
I just could not agree more! I can’t even understand how someone would assume you were a bad mother based on the fact that you don’t go on and on about your kids on your blog. It’s plain stupid, and that someone just wanted to bitch about something. And the fact that someone would use their time and energy to send hate mail to someone they don’t even know, and regarding a blog they don’t even need to read is… well, baffling. People are stupid, period.
Adrenalynn’s last blog post..This is the last time, I promise!
Marelisa responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 12:44 pm →
Vered: If you wrote about your parenting and someone took issue with some of your parenting suggestions than at least I can see how that person could form an opinion as to your parenting, but how on earth can the fact that you don’t write very much about your children lead someone to conclude that you’re a bad parent? It must be one of those obsessive people who thinks of nothing else but their children, which I think is harmful for both the parent and the child. You come across as someone who is very loving and caring, and to me those are the most important ingredients to a good parent.
Marelisa’s last blog post..30 Things to Do in the 100 Days Left in 2008
Friar responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 12:54 pm →
Some women think as soon as you breed, that it has to be all about their kids, kids, kids, and NOTHING but the kids. That’s all they know how to talk about, and they assume the whole world should also feel that way.
They stop being sisters, friends, wives, women, individuals…they just become MOMs. Boring, one-dimensional obsessed MOM’s. I pity people like that. And they bore me to tears.
That’s why I like to come visit here. You have opinions and write thought-provoking posts that open up great discussions. (If you started to write nothing except what little Johnny spit up this morning, or what color Suzie’s poop was…that’s when I start looking elsewhere).
Don’t ever change, veredd. …we love you just the way you are!
Hunter Nuttall responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 12:55 pm →
I’ve never had any hate mail, but I’ve had hate comments saying I should be deported.
I wonder what the haters are like in real life. I have a feeling that they appear normal, but become haters when they’re anonymous. How about a poll? How many people here send anonymous hate mail? Not me!
Hunter Nuttall’s last blog post..Personal Development For Smart People: Free Sample Chapter
Andre Kibbe responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 1:13 pm →
I read MomGrind precisely because I get to see someone disengage from the trappings of a role. You get to let your hair down and interact with others without baggage. Anonymous is certainly rude, but also stupid if he or she can’t see the obvious orientation of this blog. Can someone see more than a couple of posts from a blog called MomGrind, with no mention of the kids, and come to some other conclusion?
News flash: Mothers also leave their kids behind when traveling, going to restaurants or the office. The horror!
Andre Kibbe’s last blog post..Review: Personal Development for Smart People
Kristi responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 3:12 pm →
I think it’s perfectly ok to be a mom who blogs about other things besides her kids. You can certainly be a great mom and have other interests that you want to share to the world.
Chase March responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 3:28 pm →
Parents need to have their own identitiy. And quite frankly, blogs that are all about the kids are boring and really only of interest to the family (and even then sometimes not)
I haven’t received hate mail before, but I have gotten some that disagree with me on a topic I covered.
Don’t sweat the comment. A lot of bloggers don’t even mention their status (single, married, parent, whatever.) That’s because it doesn’t matter. The writing matters. The comments matter The discussion matters. That’s it.
Chase March’s last blog post..You Talked Me Off The Ledge
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 3:34 pm →
@ Barbara: “To me, you’re still my favorite “Kool-Aid mom of the block” – thank you. I love this title.
@ betsy: “It takes all kinds, I guess.” True. I think this is the key to handling these things: realizing that it’s about THEM and their own insecurities, not about us.
@ zoe: I’m glad you never received hate mail. I don’t understand the anger at all. I guess it’s true that it reflects on the sender rather than on the receiver. It is very important to me to stay “me”. I believed from very early on that you can be a good mom AND keep your own hobbies and interests. You should never lose yourself completely in any relationship – not even in motherhood.
@ Dave: You’re a wise man. “I learnt to understand that people don’t need a valid reason to hate. They just hate.” – I’ll try to remember that.
@ Becky: “a reader only gets a small portion of who I am from my blog, and probably will only get me if they’ve read awhile, they’re missing out on the bigger picture.” SO TRUE. Although, to continue Dave’s line of thought, it should help us realize that this kind of hatred is meaningless. They don’t even know us.
@ Daniel: No, it ain’t gonna keep me down.
@ Wendi: Thank you for the support!
@ nottryingforaboy: “You don’t have to justify anything to anyone.” – True. I almost deleted this post. But I needed to write about it and read your comments. I just knew it would make me feel better.
And don’t worry about spelling in comments… trust me, I know how fast we al type when we write comments. 
@ SpaceAgeSage: I LOVE this image! It made me laugh out loud. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
@ Adrenalynn: baffling is a good word… as is stupid. Thank you.
@ Marelisa: THANK YOU for the support.
@ Friar: “If you started to write nothing except what little Johnny spit up this morning, or what color Suzie’s poop was…that’s when I start looking elsewhere”. Haha that made me laugh. Some women blog really well about these topics, you know.
@ Hunter Nuttall: “I’ve had hate comments saying I should be deported.” – That was probably when you wrote your Japan-U.S.A posts. They were excellent. I agree that the haters probably APPEAR normal, and release their irrational hate only when they can hide behind a computer screen.
@ Andre: Mothers do have a right to have a life that’s not completely centered on their kids. I fully admit that I was very much centered on them during the very early years (until my youngest turned four, a couple of years ago). I was probably a very boring person during those years.
But they’re a little older now, and it’s time for me to re-discover myself.
@ Kristi: I agree!
@ Chase: Very true. The writing matters – not the bloggers’ family situation.
hank responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 5:05 pm →
I’ve not had any direct “hate mail” yet, but I’ve seen several that ask about their money woes and ask me to fix them “if I’m so smart”. And I’m happy to give them answers. Most of the time I ask for a few points of clarification and I don’t hear anything back.
Robin responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 5:27 pm →
Hi Vered – I think your love and care for your family shines in your blog, and as for you being only interested in silly fashion – they must be on another planet!
As a non-parent, those types who talk non-stop about every little thing their kids do (being an ex-teacher I have come across a few of those) have been irritating to the extent of being soul destroying, for me in some jobs.
It shows your skill as a writer/blogger that she has been drawn in enough to have a reaction, rather than just hit the back button on her browser.
Robin’s last blog post..Insects Versus Mother Theresa
April responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 5:55 pm →
No hate mail yet, but mine is a mommy/family blog, so I’m sure someone will vehemently disagree with my parenting style sooner or later. Hopefully much later… I for one enjoy your blog and don’t think your inclusion or exclusion of children/parenting/home issues is an indicator of lack of love towards your family. Silly silly. You’re allowed to have your own things too… it’s so important for us to maintain our individual identities and not become ‘mommy-drones’. I applaud you.
April’s last blog post..Flashback!
Sara at On Simplicity responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 6:08 pm →
My favorite part of this laugh-inducing hate mail is the certainty that you’re obsessed with fashion when you posted an anti-fashion mag piece last week. I’m so happy that you’re taking this in stride, since this person doesn’t know you and doesn’t seem to have a very expansive view of what a mom can be.
Sara at On Simplicity’s last blog post..Keep the Clutter from Returning: Five (Mostly) Easy Ways
Don Mills Diva responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 6:15 pm →
You’re damned if you doa nd damned if you don’t…
You get accused of not being a neglectful mother because you don’t write about your children, I get accused of being an exploitive mother because I write about mine.
Methinks jealous people will use any excuse to strike out. And they’re jealous because your blog is brilliant BTW…
Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..A tale of two dresses
Jamie | WiredParentPad responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 7:24 pm →
As always, well said Vered.
Your blog is one of only a handful that I read on a regular basis and it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a mom – it has everything to do with enjoying your writing style and posts.
WiredParentPad has the word “parent” in it, yet I know I’ve never named my kids on it, I only mention my kids when it fits the topic, and generally stick to a more technical topic – wonder what Mr or Ms Hate Mail would have to say about that?
Jamie | WiredParentPad’s last blog post..Today’s Essential Guide to Video Game Ratings for Parents
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 7:26 pm →
@ hank: “if I’m so smart” – don’t you just love this negativity.
@ Robin: Haha @ “irritating to the extent of being soul destroying”. It is actually one of my goals, to be just as good a friend to my non-parent friends as I am to the parent friends.
@ April: “it’s so important for us to maintain our individual identities and not become ‘mommy-drones’”. EXACTLY. Thank you for your support!
@ Sara: I’m taking it way better than the first one. I’m guessing the third will leave me completely unfazed.
@ Don Mills Diva: Thank you! I agree that no matter what mothers do, there are always accusations and guilt trips and criticism. It’s sad, really. Unless it’s funny because we are awesome and they are jealous.
@ Jamie: Oh, I’m sure she’ll have plenty to say. It’s always so much easier to criticize than it is to create.
Mia responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:04 pm →
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever had extra time to put towards sending negative emails to people I didn’t know…shoving my bad opinion of someone into their inbox isn’t on my list of things to do in my free time. I agree with your other readers that blogs, like many things in this world are of your choosing to read. If you don’t like what you see, move on!
I haven’t received hate mail as of yet. I’m sure I will be taken aback when I do get some. I hope to be able to brush it off and remember that if I pleased everyone, there’s something wrong with what I’m doing!
And as for being a good/bad mom, you need to have something for yourself or you’ll just drown. Blogging about something else and enjoying things other than educational videos, scheduling naptime, bibs, school projects, or whatever just makes you better for them in the long run anyway!
Mia’s last blog post..A Party with a "Ding"
stpaulslim responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 8:57 pm →
You are not a bad mom. Hell, I used to tie my kids up with baling wire and lock them in the garage while I was writing. I tried not to think of them at all and would have got away with it if it weren’t for the screaming. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to gag them, too.
People need to lighten up. And besides, I don’t expect people to care about my kids any more than they care about what I had for lunch. I do like them to care about my writing, and if you write well, the subject matter is secondary.
stpaulslim’s last blog post..Gigantor Garage Sale
J.D. Meier responds:
Posted: September 15th, 2008 at 11:39 pm →
I like your little corner on the net.
J.D. Meier’s last blog post..SIGN – The 4 Signs of a Strength
Chris responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 7:54 am →
Hi Vered,
Could this be a joke? Aaaaarrggghhh…I just don’t understand why people always want to pigeonhole other people.
Here’s what I say to this reader…Get a life!
purpledsky responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 8:30 am →
hey, you don’t have to explain yourself. geez, these people. do they even have an idea how being a mom is? my take? if this reader doesn’t like what you’re writing, then he/she can very well leave. geeez, unbelievable!
purpledsky’s last blog post..WQ 17: Pig brains in my lasagna?
purpledsky responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 8:32 am →
hah! i can’t get over it. it’s amazing how some people put so much effort on negativity. i agree with chris, this person needs to get a life.
purpledsky’s last blog post..WQ 17: Pig brains in my lasagna?
Miranda responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 9:02 am →
You haven’t “arrived” as a blogger until people start hating you
. I mostly ignore hate mail (and hate comments), since the emotional energy involved just isn’t worth the time. And it means that to someone else, you are worth the time. Imagine! You’re important enough that someone has to take their valuable time and hate you.
Miranda’s last blog post..Shameless Self Promotion: Monday Mayhem Edition
Bamboo Forest responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 9:08 am →
The fact that you don’t regularly talk about your kid seems like a non-issue to me. You can define what a “mommy blogger” is, in any way you want. Who is to say there are rules and regulations to what mommy bloggers cover on their blog?
It’s perplexing because it’s a non-issue. It’s your blog. It’s not a measurement of what kind of a parent you are. It’s merely a medium for you to express yourself in any way you want.
The e-mail lacks all logic and reason.
Bamboo Forest’s last blog post..A Little About Me
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 10:46 am →
@ Mia: I am amazed too that people have TIME for this! I agree that we simply can’t please everyone all the time and that it shouldn’t even be our goal.
@ stpaulslim: People do need to lighten up. I agree that the writing is more important than the subject matter.
@ J.D. Meier: Thank you! I like it too.
@ Chris: Nah, if it were a joke I would have known. She was serious. Agree that she should get a life. It’s disturbing that she finds the time for sending hate mail.
@ purpledsky: I debated for some time if I should even write a response or just ignore it. But it’s hard to ignore something like this. Especially when it’s an attack on your abilities as a mother.
@ Miranda: “Imagine! You’re important enough that someone has to take their valuable time and hate you.” Hmm.. not a bad way to look at it. And now I’m thinking that I forgot to include you in the list of parents who blog on topics other than parenting.
@ Bamboo Forest: “It’s perplexing because it’s a non-issue. It’s your blog. It’s not a measurement of what kind of a parent you are. It’s merely a medium for you to express yourself in any way you want.” A BIG amen to that. You said it better than I ever could.
Jade/MommaWannabe responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 7:20 pm →
Vered- I think she is just jealous of you.
What a coward! What’s her problem? If she doesn’t like what she sees in your blog- she shouldn’t bother coming at all. And it’s your blog – so you can choose WHATEVER you want to write about. Don’t get bothered by this. I like your blog style very much.
Jade/MommaWannabe’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Afghan Girl ,Most Beautiful Eyes
Rita responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 8:53 pm →
Vered,
COME ON NOW! I’m not a “bookmarker” when it comes to most blogs, but I will NEVER get the picture of your two little girls holding hands at the beach, their backs to you…and what you wrote…out of my mind. And how proud your dad was. If YOU are not a Mommy Blogger in the truest sense of the words – your love for your children spills off the page, yet you find time for what interests and tickles you – then there ARE no mommy bloggers. I bookmarked that page and go back to it frequently.
Shame on the person that sent that email…shame on them. Jealousy rearing its ugly head, no doubt!
Rita
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 10:23 pm →
@ Jade: I agree. She’s a coward.
@ Rita: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Randall responds:
Posted: September 16th, 2008 at 11:16 pm →
You’re one of my fav mommy bloggers!
Randall’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
RC - Rambling Along... responds:
Posted: September 17th, 2008 at 8:53 am →
Don’t let it get you down… I’m a mom who works outside the home, FULL-TIME! I’ve been an evil, horrid mom all along. And I’ve deleted the few comments in that regard because I have enough guilt in my own life, without someone heaping additional guilty thoughts on me.
I love how there are so many people out there quick to judge.
And by the way, I happen to like stopping by your blog and am thankful for the interesting, often funny, posts you share.
I wasn’t aware we all had to check our own interests and personalities at the door when a child popped out of the womb. I thought as long as I put my child’s needs first, I could still be my own person, too.
RC – Rambling Along…’s last blog post..Up and at ‘em
Connie responds:
Posted: September 17th, 2008 at 2:01 pm →
i can definitely understand why some people would think a blog called MomGrind would be a mom writing about her children. that being said, it is obvious within the first couple of posts i’ve read that your children are not your central focus with this blog and i agree with you that that is perfectly fine. i mean you have to deal with your kids 24/7 and of course you would need to find some outlet that is just for you. it all goes back to if you don’t like it, then don’t read it. easy as that.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 17th, 2008 at 4:57 pm →
@ Randall: Thank you.
@ RC: I don’t know why people judge other people. I don’t know what makes them think they are so perfect, that they can put down someone else.
@ Connie: “it all goes back to if you don’t like it, then don’t read it. easy as that.” EXACTLY.
Patricia responds:
Posted: September 17th, 2008 at 6:33 pm →
Wow I wish I had your way with words and clarity. I am working on it – I admire those who can write about their families and can do it well, and safely, but I am excited about all the ways that women can remain themselves and parent, and have spouses and time and thoughts for themselves.
I am proud of myself for keeping a journal during the tough parenting years I dealt with and my children let me talk all I want to about the work and knowledge I gained from caring for them but not about too many personal things.
The message I received was do it all and be super mom, super career woman and if you don’t then you are a FAILURE.
Haters can not do it all but live out someones ideals which are not their own, then get jealous and unhappy so stick even stronger to the message they desperately need to believe.
Aren’t you a savvy woman to be able to speak your truth to their facade and so clearly – wow and thank you
Patricia’s last blog post..PTSD Part 3: Who Do You Trust? Let’s Revive The Old Game Show
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 17th, 2008 at 8:12 pm →
@ Patricia: “The message I received was do it all and be super mom, super career woman and if you don’t then you are a FAILURE.” What a terrible message. Thank you so much for your support and for your encouraging words!
Raymond White responds:
Posted: September 19th, 2008 at 3:30 am →
Hi Vered,
Ja (that’s afrikaans for yes, but it’s so much more emphatic!) people are so quick to judge by seeing just one dimension of a person. Just by a few visits to your site I can see that you arn’t anything like what this person is saying ’bout you. There is the way that you attract people to your blog and how you interact with them, your warmth, caring and depth come through. Those kinda attributes cannot be faked indefinitely, people will see thorough you and also if it is not naturally you then the cracks in your character will start showing ’cause it will be so difficult to keep up the pretense. In my experience there are many mothers who don’t want to blog about their children ’cause they want to protect them or not expose them on the net, mebbe they just want to keep that part of their lives private and there are many, many reasons. For me checking out what people put on the net I always give it plenty of time and try to offer constructive criticism if neccessary. The bible says it nicely in Ephesians 4:15 “Speak the truth in love”
LoCTY!(Love of Christ To You)
Sire responds:
Posted: September 19th, 2008 at 7:32 am →
We Blog Therefore We Are. Just because we choose to express ourselves in our blogs does not mean we are any less a good parent or provider. Whether we do it for release or to bring in that bit of extra cash, the beauty of being a blogger is that we are right there if our family needs us. More so than if we were at work, which a lot of us are.
That lady obviously didn’t know what she was talking about.
Sire’s last blog post..Man’s Struggle With Controlling His Urges
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 19th, 2008 at 9:47 am →
@ Raymond: “Speak the truth in love” – that’s a good rule. I wish all internet users would follow it.
@ Sire: “That lady obviously didn’t know what she was talking about.” I agree!
Christina Narciso responds:
Posted: September 19th, 2008 at 4:01 pm →
Vered- Obviously the person who sent you the email is a coward for remaining anonymous. Not everyone will agree with things we do in life. But I must say, the comments posted here show you have a massive amount of support. I love your posts…
Christina Narciso’s last blog post..Conquer Fear – Quote from Andrew Carnegie
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 19th, 2008 at 9:31 pm →
@ Christina: Thank you!
(Anti) Social-Lists - 9/21/08 | (Anti) Social Development responds:
Posted: September 21st, 2008 at 3:23 pm →
[...] Hate Mail: Apparently I’m a Bad Mom – Vered shares a piece of hate email she received and how the anonymous emailer accused her of being a bad mother because she doesn’t write about her children on her blog. Ridiculous! [...]
dishthehappyfish responds:
Posted: September 23rd, 2008 at 5:44 am →
I have received hate mail for my attitude towards mothering, and some of it frightened me very much. I was threatened privately and called a monster publically. I withdrew from the internet for a long while.
It started at a group that was intended for those of us who have hit a stage in life where we feel a sense of desperation to live before we die. The manager of the group would whine endlessly about his two adult children, still dependent on him, and his wife’s apparent lack of interest in him. Others came to discuss their chronic illnesses, frustration with politics, lost love, etc.
I chose to discuss motherhood. I tired to analyze the difference between maternal instinct and love in a detached way, but I ended up writing my personal experience and drawing the conclusion that I and others may not really love their kids all that much afterall.
Now I am very cautious with the words like love and pride. For instance, one time I stated I was having a hard time coming up with an example of feeling pride for my kids. I do not seek to be proud, because to me, my pride is just my personal stamp of approval for their behavior and I don’t want my kids emulating me or seeking my approval. I watch others express pride, and I don’t always like the way it affects the kids because there is a not proud ,too. And the kids always feel the not proud part, the condemnation, even if it is not spoken. So I am just careful.
Without all the ugly details, I admitted I didn’t really like the way my two older kids turned out. (Ahhh…maybe if I demonstrated pride and love?) I had a lot of regrets. I often didn’t enjoy mothering. I reacted out of worry and guilt….many days, just guilt and worry. I am still very protective and my youngest is already 11. Is it love? It really just feels like instinct and pride to me. It just doesn’t feel like all out love.
I know lots of women who don’t enjoy mothering. And everytime I hear, “I love my kids but”…..I wonder if other moms really love their kids all that much either. Where do all those buts come from? Are we being honest? Why do we need to love someone, just because they are related? I certainly don’t love my mom and sis. Why should our kids be any different?
I know more moms who push their kids away, than draw them in close. I think it is natural. I think our society expects us to coddle our children long past their need to be coddled. I think we have built up a smothering loving mom image, that is very naturally unrealistic and false and very harmful in the way it creates unreasonalble and lofty expectations…the perfect family.
No one thinks a thing of a dad who works away from the kids 50 hours a week and spends his evenings and weekends golfing, anything to get away from the turmoil and chaos of family life. And then his kid hits a home run and he beams with pride. Is that love? Nah. Its ego. Maybe mom’s are egotistical too.
When they are, you can be sure they get a mailbox full of hate mail.
But we are driven to have children, and it is not always a loving act. It is an instinct, a lust, an accident. We do our best. I for one didn’t think I could have kids. I was pretty happy about that. I was suprised, but delighted with my first, so much so that when the condom broke less than six months after his birth, I didn’t mind at all. Then I discovered what motherhood was really about, and I made some bad decisions about marriage and fertility and ended up with two more six and seven and half years later. I was just getting to the part of motherhood I hated most, but then it was too late. I knew I had to do it all over again.
I do my best everyday. It will never be good enough, but I haven’t run away yet, and I am the best parent quarterback on the block. So do I deserve hate mail? I kinda thought I deserved a pat on the back for sticking it out, somedays, even with a smile on my face, despite my sad and ruined life. Will the people who read this think I am a monster? I no longer care.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 23rd, 2008 at 7:53 am →
@ dishthehappyfish: I do love my children. I love them more than I love myself. They are the most important thing in my life. But I don’t think you are a monster at all. Mothering IS hard work. I also think that relationships change and develop over the years. It makes sense to me that the way you feel about grown children is very different than the way you feel about young children that still depend on you.
Erika responds:
Posted: September 23rd, 2008 at 5:14 pm →
I know everyone else has already said this, and I’m gonna say it again because it deserves it. I AM A MOM; I AM NOT DEAD. When I became of age to bear children, I did not shut down my mind to become a baby machine. Unfortunately, this does happen to a lot women. (Postpartum depression?) I, for one, needed many gentle reminders that I am still a woman along with my being a single mom.
Also, has that person read anything on your blog? Just this first page had multiple entries concerning body image and social commentary. Yes, the Mona Lisa was funny, but it is a clear portrait (ha!) of society’s demands for beauty.
I gab about my kid all the time and sometimes I feel bad about it. Because, seriously, who cares about his potty training? But I write it anyway, because it is MINE.
Erika’s last blog post..i’m too nice
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 23rd, 2008 at 6:52 pm →
@ Erika: “When I became of age to bear children, I did not shut down my mind to become a baby machine. ” Amen!
Jaylar responds:
Posted: September 23rd, 2008 at 10:29 pm →
My kids might have thought I was a lousy mother, until they
had kids of their own. Now I’m the centre of the universe.
I hold all secrets and suddenly know everything.
So don’t worry.
The proof is in the grands
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 24th, 2008 at 10:59 am →
@ Jaylar: It’s true… once you become a parent, you FINALLY learn to appreciate your own parents.
Annie Anderson responds:
Posted: September 24th, 2008 at 1:16 pm →
Vered -
I don’t get people like that. Really, I mean, who died and made them god? I highly doubt the anonymous coward is ruler of all.
And even though you’ve heard some version of this 50-something times already — don’t let it get you down. It’s definitely not your problem – s/he obviously has some issues and it likely has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Sometimes I do blog about the kids and my family and other things that are personal to me but I write about a lot of other stuff too – writing, real estate, graphic design, spirituality and more. My whole world does not revolve around my children. And no, I don’t think that makes me – or anyone else – a bad parent.
I think having a single focus isn’t good for a person. A healthy lifestyle – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual – all rely on a balanced, well-rounded life. Forsaking everything else that makes me a human, a woman, is not in my nor my children’s best interests.
Keep it up! I enjoy MomGrind tremendously even though I rarely comment.
~ Annie
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm →
Hi Annie,
I’m glad you made a comment! It’s very nice to meet you.
I agree that a healthy lifestyle is a BALANCED lifestyle.
Thank you very much for the support.
Tracy responds:
Posted: September 25th, 2008 at 7:51 am →
My goodness what is wrong with people? On the other hand, if you did write about your children frequently, somebody would probably decide to warn you that you are putting them in very real grave danger of being kidnapped by internet predators!
Tracy’s last blog post..The Cruelest Cut
Nurit responds:
Posted: September 27th, 2008 at 8:58 pm →
wow. I admire your self control in commenting on this mail that you got.
I think I would have probably reacted in a more emotional and critical way about that preson who sent you the mail and attack/defend back. You’re cool.
Nurit’s last blog post..jamie’s dinners by Jamie Oliver
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 28th, 2008 at 12:11 pm →
@ Tracy: Exactly! Whatever you do, you can never win. You will always be accused of SOMETHING.
@ Nurit: Thank you.
I’m training myself not to take criticism personally. It was my choice to write a blog – to put myself out there. I need to accept that not all the attention I get will be good.
Baldi responds:
Posted: October 1st, 2008 at 10:03 pm →
If you know that you are trying your absolute best to take good care of your kids, you should be secure in that knowledge. No human being is perfect, the outstanding ones are the ones who try their best and achieve results
I saw lots of faults in my parents, but also know that they did a lot for me. No one else could ever replace them.
Perfect motherhood is a concept we could all do without. It just places unjust demands on mothers and no chance of job satisfaction.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: October 1st, 2008 at 10:28 pm →
@ Baldi: “Perfect motherhood is a concept we could all do without.” How true! Above all, I wish mothers would stop demanding perfection of themselves – and of other mothers.
D responds:
Posted: October 3rd, 2008 at 1:00 pm →
I think it’s awesome that you can blog and talk about things other than your kids.
Those parents who can’t are doing themselves, and in my opinion, their children, a grave disservice. I’m sure it’s wonderful to have children. But when you get that rare chance to be around other people, especially those who don’t have children, it is important to remember that you are a person, too.
I think that when children see their parents’ lives revolving around them so completely that the parents have no room for the outside world, it leads them to have unrealistic expectations that the rest of the world will revolve around them as well. It won’t. And that realization can lead to antisocial and aggressive behavior.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: October 3rd, 2008 at 3:02 pm →
Thank you, D. I agree that you’re not doing your kids any favor if your entire world revolves around them.
Louise responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2008 at 3:29 pm →
That commenter didn’t have the balls to leave their name. We all need our own little space and I commend you for it, in fact. Don’t worry about hate mail because for every one you recieve you’re bound to find an instant fan of your site (like me.)
Louise’s last blog post..Motherhood.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2008 at 7:26 pm →
Thank you Louise.
Kellen responds:
Posted: October 20th, 2008 at 8:31 am →
As a child and family therapist I was very distressed to see this viewer’s email to you. I spend a lot of time with mothers in therapy trying to convince them “mother” is not their only identity. They are complete women with all the desires and needs of all women. Those cannot be sacrificed when you give birth or your children have an incomplete mom – and your daughters learn to replicate that pattern. Too many women I work with sacrifice their everything for everyone else; their children, their husbands, their families, their friends. Nothing is left for themselves. I use the following question to get the point across:
Remember the last time you flew on an airline? Remember the safety instructions they give regarding the oxygen masks?
This is a test:
If you are traveling with a small child and the oxygen masks drop down, who do you put the mask on first, yourself or the child?
Most people say the child. They are wrong. If you pass out from lack of oxygen, who is going to protect that child the remainder of the flight or during a crash? No one. You put the mask on yourself first.
This is true of life as well. Mothers are still women and need to nourish and rejuvenate themselves as women in order to be whole for their children. I’m glad you did not cave into this reader’s email.
Keep up the good work.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: October 20th, 2008 at 10:42 am →
@ Kellen: THANK YOU. I think the airlines example is a great one. I have a real-life friend who is so absorbed in her family, that nothing is left for her. She completely gave up on herself. I think she’s making a mistake, and I told her so.
Bree responds:
Posted: November 29th, 2008 at 1:24 pm →
I’m a first time reader here, and my email isn’t right because I don’t want spam, but I had to comment this.
The angry writer seems to know that you have kids, so you’ve obviously spoken of them, am I right?
So they already contradicted themselves horribly. “You never speak of your kids, but for some reason I know you have children, even though you never speak of them”. Haha.
Secondly, I am the SAME way. I am a part of a parenting board, and I also blog, and very RARELY do I speak of my children. Why? Well quite frankly, I don’t feel comfortable talking about and sharing pictures of my children on the internet with people I don’t know. I’m merely there to get that “adult” connection with those that share the same interest, or lifestyle. I always tell people, when I’m speaking… my children are a given to every bit of it. When I make a list of the most important things in my life, my children are a given. Like an “auto” button.
Some mothers just get a bit jealous of how others do their thing, and this is what spawns from it, a hate letter.
I love hate mail though, because it’s entertaining and even more so when it’s got horrible grammar and spelling. Those are always fun!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: November 29th, 2008 at 4:56 pm →
@ Bree: Thank you. I agree! I used to be devastated whenever I received hate mail. Now I just laugh at it. I know that the need to HATE has nothing to so with me, and everything to so with the hater.
Margaret responds:
Posted: December 7th, 2008 at 12:59 pm →
I say, “If you want to say something, you better come say it to my face.”
It’s easy for people to “flame” anonymously, without consequence. It’s kind of like flipping off a stranger who cuts you off on the road. The fun part is when that stranger turns out to be your neighbor.
So you can ask them, “If you would say it online, would you also have the courage to say it in person?” I say, stand behind what you write or don’t bother.
The easiest thing to do is ignore it.
BTW, I stumbled your post about the 1st grader writing the dedication about “cranky mom” and had to laugh– I had the same experience with my 4th grader writing about how mad I get and drawing a pic of me all frowny and yelling at her and her siblings– It was up at Open House. Good times! She said it was because I get mad when they make messes and I have to clean. I said, “Stop making the messes then!” I’m sure all the other parents think I’m insane and wonder how I got *such* a sweet little girl.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: December 7th, 2008 at 1:26 pm →
@ Margaret: It’s true. People allow themselves all sorts of things when they’re being anonymous.
My first grader… yes, good times. I don’t think other parents think we’re insane. I think they can relate, even if they won’t talk about it. For some reason, the fact that parenting is tough has turned into this big dark secret that no one talks about. But it IS tough and it IS challenging, and parents are not saints. We’re human. I think mommy blogs are great because they give us an opportunity to openly discuss these issues.