Children’s Self Esteem
I believe that parents have the power to build their child’s self-esteem. They also have the power to shred it to pieces. Sure, lots of it is nature, but nurture plays a big enough role that we should take it very seriously and do our best to help our children love themselves.
Building our children’s self esteem is important, because a person who loves himself is more capable of loving others than a person who doesn’t. A person who loves and respects herself will not allow others to abuse her. There’s nothing I want more than for my daughters to love themselves and accept themselves just the way they are.
These are some of the things I try to do in order to make sure my children grow up with a high self esteem.
1. Tell your children you love them every day.
2. Hug your children every day.
3. Don’t dismiss their dreams for the future. My oldest wants to be a writer when she’s a grownup. She writes beautifully, but part of me wants to tell her how hard it is to make a living as a writer – that she should write as a hobby and find a “real” job. Instead, when she talks about how she will write books for a living, I listen, smile, and tell her how happy I am that she loves to write so much and how talented I think she is.
4. Tell them they are perfect just the way they are. Reinforce the idea that people have a unique combination of talents and strengths and that there’s more than one way to be smart, beautiful, or successful.
5. If you have a daughter, it’s very important to counter the media’s message that the most important thing about a woman is her looks, and that beauty has a very narrow definition. Avoid criticizing your own body in front of your daughter; avoid buying women’s magazines; when you read a book or watch a movie that presents women as needing a man to rescue them, tell her that while a man can be a great life companion and partner, she doesn’t need a man to rescue her: she can take care of herself; talk about the media, advertising and photo retouching; point out to strong female role models and let her know she can accomplish anything she puts her mind to.
Photo credit: IkonikPhoto
6. Focus on your children’s strengths and encourage them to develop those instead of focusing on their weaknesses. J.D. Meier elaborates on the idea of focusing on one’s strengths in his article Three Myths About Strengths and Weaknesses.
7. Try to truly accept your children just the way they are. It’s not easy. Most of us have an ideal in our head and we would love to mold our child into that ideal. We feel this way because we love them and want to protect them. We believe that certain qualities or pursuits or preferences, such as being good in sports or being an outgoing person rather than an introvert ,or being straight rather than gay, will make their lives easier. But it is our job as parents to accept them just the way they are and accept that they can be happy even if they don’t fit into the mold.
8. Make sure they know they can always reach out to you, no matter what. My mom told me, years ago, that I can always come to her, even if I think I did a terrible thing, even if I completely messed up, even if others will judge me and hate me and kick me out of their lives – she will always be there for me.
9. Encourage them to show respect and compassion to others and to avoid judging others or being mean to others. A person who treats others well feels good about himself. Those who are cruel to others are usually deeply unhappy.
10. Listen – really listen – to your kids. I read somewhere that during conversation, most people begin to form the answer in their heads while the other side is still talking! This certainly happens to me often with my kids because I tend to assume they want advice. But in many cases, they don’t. They just want me to listen.
Photo credit: KellyB
11. Be available. I work many hours each day in front of the computer, and I often work when my kids are home, but they know they can always approach me and talk with me and I will always drop everything, turn my back to the computer and listen to them. If you work outside the home, dinnertime and bedtime can be great opportunities to spend time with your kids. I start bedtime routine 30 minutes early each night, because my kids love to prolong it by talking with me, asking me questions, asking me for another kiss and another hug.
12. Be polite to your children. If you won’t use this tone with a coworker, you shouldn’t use it with your kids.
13. Allow them to make their own decisions as often as possible and as appropriate for their age. Children have very little freedom and very little control over their lives. Whenever possible, give them the freedom to make their own decisions. Even if it’s small decisions such as deciding what to wear or what to eat, and even if you need to present a few choices they can pick from, it will still empower your children to be able to make those decisions. It is also important to never do something for a child that they can do for themselves, even if you will do it better or faster.
14. Teach your children they can do anything if they really want to. Teach them not to be afraid of failure and to avoid perfectionism. I frequently point out my own mistakes and failures as a way to show my kids that I am not perfect, that nobody is perfect, and that failing at something is not the end of the world.
15. Never put them down, mock them, point out their flaws, or make fun of them. It sounds obvious, but even the best parent can get frustrated and exhausted enough that they put their kids down when the kids make a demand that seems stupid or unreasonable. One of my kids is afraid of spiders. We do have spiders in our house once in a while. As much as it’s frustrating to me, as much as it seems unreasonable to be afraid of a small (really small!) spider, I remind myself that this is a very common fear; that it’s very real for her; and that if I keep my calm and show her time after time that I am not afraid, while removing the offending spiders from the house, chances are her fears will eventually subside (although she might never completely stop being afraid of spiders).
Photo credit: Stinkie Pinkie
16. Encourage your children to be adventurous and to try new things. It’s very natural for a parent to feel protective of her kids and to try to prevent injury. But there’s a fine line between setting limits to protect them, and being so overprotective that they become afraid of trying new things. One of my daughters broke her arm a couple of years ago while playing at the playground on a climbing wall. She was on a play date: I wasn’t even there when it happened. But today, when we took them to a different playground and she climbed a tall climbing wall, I was shaking. I had to remind myself that this is a great milestone for her. For several months after healing from the accident, she refused to climb tall climbing structures.
17. Teach them not to worry about what others say or think about them. My youngest, who is 7 years old, often asks me “do you think the kids will laugh at me if I do/ wear that?” I‘m teaching her she should ignore others’ opinions and criticism. I like to wear bold red lipstick, and one day she told me one of her friends said it’s “weird” that I wear lipstick “every day, not just for parties.” I responded, “Well, I like it. It makes me feel good. I don’t care what other people think about it. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to look.”
18. Give them as much freedom as possible to play and explore. We live in a world where kids are not free to roam the streets the way they used to. But even with the limitations we have put on ourselves as parents, even if we don’t tell our kids to “go outside, play, come back in time for dinner and don’t get into trouble,” we can still send them to play outside in the backyard; we can still encourage free play and using their imagination as much as possible.
19. Acknowledge their efforts even when they don’t lead to accomplishments. “I was happy to see you working so hard on that project. Glad you enjoyed it.”
20. Start a tradition of taking each of your kids out for a special one-on-one outing once a month, or a few times each year. I recently took each of my kids on a special “date” for their birthdays. We went to a coffee shop and ordered hot chocolate with whipped cream and cookies. Spending an hour together, just the two of us, enjoying the food and talking without interruption or competition from the other sibling, was priceless.
This is a long list, but if you think about it, most of these things come naturally to caring parents. Yes, you can build your children’s self esteem. The best way to do it? Love them unconditionally. All the rest will come naturally.
Photo credit: Robert Whitehead
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Davina responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 2:04 am →
Hi Vered. You make me wish I’d had children now. I want to try all of these. Hugging them everyday is one of the easiest yet one of the most powerful. Our family was not a huggy family. I’m thankful that as I grew up and made friends, that I met huggy people. A hug can change your day. Your children are very lucky to have you as their mom.
Tara responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 2:42 am →
Wow. They are just fantastic Vered.
I waited until later in life to have my children because I knew I would be ready and able to do all those things listed – and I do.
It is so easy to dismiss your young ones when they are being irritable and whiney, but the greatest thing you can do is to stop and try to remember what it was like to be 5/10/16 and then listen.
My son goes on and on and on about his collection of football cards and it is so boring, but to him it is really important, so I stop and take interest because he would be so deflated if I didn’t.
Really great list Vered.
Tara responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 2:44 am →
Oh, and had a whole day with just my son at the weekend (we’re nearly always out with his younger sister too) and he so was animated and joyous all day – it’s almost like rediscovering each other.
Odelia responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 3:47 am →
what a wonderful well-rounded piece of work. It covered so many crucial points that could actually make or break a growing childs personality. I think the idea of one-on-one time without anyone else is a real booster for the young ones and makes both, parent and child, feel all special inside!
lovely work, lovely words, lovely moments!
MommyNamedApril responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 4:48 am →
I love #8 and especially #17 – it’s so important that kids are allowed to develop their personalities without worrying about what other people think! Fantastic list, Vered!
Betsy Wuebker responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 6:03 am →
Terrific list, Vered. It could be a little book for new parents! If parents do everything on your list, there is a better chance of the children we knew coming back someday after the aliens take their brains at around age 14. I’ve been assured their brains are returned in their mid-twenties, and I’m counting on it.
Jannie responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 6:12 am →
It would be hard for me to pinpoint which of these resonates most with me – they all do. This is a post to print out and keep on my fridge. Thank you . You must have fantastic kids who will grow to be strong happy loving women. Bravo!
Lovelyn responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 6:15 am →
Great post, Vared! I’m the stepmother to a 15 year old with autism spectrum disorder. I’m new to parenting and try to do the things listed in your post. Even though he’s a teenager, he needs special attention and a lot more support than other boys his age. Parenting is tough. I’m learning everyday.
Mike Goad responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 6:35 am →
Great list!
When our girls were growing up, we didn’t have blogs or anything like them where we could find free advice like this. Of course, there was Dr. Spock and other books, but we never bought or used them.
Quite a few of the things on your list are things that we did, as I recall, and our girls turned out pretty good, all-in-all.
Of course, my wife had practice, of sorts, before we met and got married. As the third oldest of twelve, she helped her mom in her teens with the younger ones as a matter of course.
Miranda responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 7:11 am →
Great post. I have been wondering if I am on the right track with my son. I find that I am doing well in some of these areas, and could use improvement in others. This will be a great way for me to help my son develop a positive self image — as well as help him learn to respect others.
Dominique responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 7:16 am →
Great List Vered,
Have seen these points come up here and there but it’s great how u stringed it together. It is important to help develop the kids strengths and teach them how to manage their weaknesses and at the same time accept themselves for whom they are. I’m sure you are doing a great job building up your kids self image.
Suzie responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 7:25 am →
I love what you say about girls. There are some great books to help this along like the paper bag princess where the princess rescues the prince and goes into the sunset alone.
Tabitha (From Single to Married) responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 7:57 am →
This is a fantastic list. I agree that it is so important to teach our children these various priniciples. I think it’s also incredibly important to live these principles ourselves so that our children learn by watching our actions.
Aiden responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 8:15 am →
If you have a son, it’s very important to counter the media’s message that men are lazy, dumb, irresponsible and bad fathers to top it off.
Ruth responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 8:21 am →
Great points, the lot of them. I think the most important thing for me was that my parents never mocked me. I can be very sensitive to criticism and often felt vulnerable about silly little screwups. But they never laughed at me, never mocked me, never even teased me about my shortcomings. That was a blessing.
Dot responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 8:44 am →
Stumbled this! All great points for respecting your children as individuals and getting out of their way as they develop. Doing all of these things will help them to feel that adults are reliable and dependable, and that they can be heard by adults. The only thing I’d add, if I HAD to add something, would be helping them to see that nothing is all good or all bad — a drawback can be turned into an asset and a good point can also have its negative side. Love this post!
Writer Dad responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 8:55 am →
Vered,
Great list! I’m sure you know exactly how I feel about everything you said. I’ve never put a lot of mystery in my outlook. I especially like, “Allow them to make their own decisions.” It’s so true, for better or worse. The bad choices are every bit as important as their best ones. Thanks for yummy food for thought this morning.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 9:23 am →
Hi Vered: I think that being a parent is an awesome responsibility. What people do as parents completely shapes the person their child becomes. I’ll keep these great tips in mind for when I have a child someday
RC Rambles... responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 9:43 am →
Thank you for the link, and this is a great list! Despite coming from completely different worlds, I really think you and I think a lot alike. Since I work outside the home most days, dinner and bedtime are so important to me, as is our little bit of time in the morning, while I get him dressed. I hope we continue to share these moments as “mom/son” time, in the future, since it is already evident that he talks more and rehashes his days, during those these times together. And when I do work from home, I try my hardest to balance that day well, between time for him and time for work.
I do the best I am able to make certain my son knows he is loved, accepted and capable, but I still worry about the world beyond my door. However, as my sister commented to me regarding my post on protecting him, some of my fears and concerns may be rooted in my own past experiences of being bullied. I know what can happen, because I lived it, and I don’t want my son to experience that same feeling of being a victim. And no, I know I can’t protect him from everything. (Nor would I want to, since as I mentioned – learning to fail makes you value the wins even more.)
p.s. Wear the red lipstick with pride. One of my neighbors commented that I was “too pulled together,” shortly after giving birth, because I had my hair and make-up done, even though I was running around in a sweatsuit (before you ask, my sweatpants/sweatsuits do not have writing on the butt), and just going to follow-up doctor appointments or staying home during the first few weeks. It made me feel good, and I agree with the motto that when you look good, you feel better.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 10:19 am →
@ Davina: I agree that hugs are very important. So is touch in general. A gentle pat on the back, holding hands, gently stroking a cheek. I’m glad you found people who like to hug. It makes one feel so good!
@ Tara: “My son goes on and on and on about his collection of football cards and it is so boring, but to him it is really important, so I stop and take interest because he would be so deflated if I didn’t.” I can SO relate. When something is important to them, even if it’s boring to us, we should listen – really listen and take interest. Re spending one-on-one time, my kids are almost always together too. It’s like they become different persons when they don’t need to compete with each other.
@ Odelia: I used to think one-on-one isn’t THAT important. I used to think I am capable of dividing my attention between the two of them so that each of them feels special. But now that I started doing it regularly, it really is important. It’s a completely different experience to be with just one of your kids.
@ MommyNamedApril: Not worrying about what other people think doesn’t come naturally to most people. I guess it’s a survival instinct, to adapt and to make sure others like you. But true personal growth can only take place if fear of what others will say or think does not take over.
@ Betsy Wuebker: Haha I can tell you that I was abducted around the age of 13, and it took me almost ten years to return, but I did eventually return.
@ Jannie: My kids ARE fantastic. They are smart, sensitive, and loving. But they are both perfectionists and very hard on themselves. We’re trying to work on that.
@ Lovelyn: Parenting is always tough, but I can only imagine how challenging it is to parent a 15-year old with autism spectrum disorder.
@ Mike Goad: Wow! Your wife comes from a large family! I can’t even imagine how it is to raise 12 kids. I know kids in big families are not raised the same way kids in smaller families are raised, but it still seems impossible to me.
@ Miranda: I do believe respecting others makes people feel better about themselves. It’s not something we do for others – it’s something we do for ourselves.
@ Dominique: J.D. Meier really impressed me with the idea that we should focus on strengths. I think we definitely tend to try to help our kids improve their weaknesses, when in fact it makes a lot of sense to just manage the weaknesses and really focus and build up strengths.
@ Suzie: I need to look into “the paper bag princess.” Sounds interesting.
@ Tabitha: Teaching through action is definitely more powerful than teaching through words.
@ Aiden: Thank you for your input. You’re making a good point. Men are often presented in the media as incompetent fools. But in a society where men are still in charge and women are still discriminated against and objectified, I think girls need more protection from the media than boys do. I wonder if I would have felt differently if I were parenting a boy, but I have two daughters.
@ Ruth: Many families use teasing, and while the parents and some of the siblings feel it’s harmless fun, it can be really hurtful and damaging to the more sensitive kids.
@ Dot: “nothing is all good or all bad” – true. Many kids tend to have a black-and-white view of the world, but we, as adults know that nothing is completely black or white. There are many shades in-between.
@ Writer Dad: “The bad choices are every bit as important as their best ones.” – I agree. And while it’s very difficult for a parent to step back and allow their child to make a bad choice, as long as the child is safe, it’s the right thing to do.
@ Marelisa: You will be a wonderful mom. You are thoughtful, sensitive and caring. Your future child is going to be very lucky whether you use this list or not.
@ RC Rambles: I recently read that being bullied as a child can leave life-long emotional scars. So it’s perfectly natural for you to want to protect your son from such a difficult experience. Re being pulled together, I completely agree. I like to be pulled together, I like to take care of myself, and the assumption that some people make, that I’m less of a mom because of that, is ridiculous.
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 10:41 am →
Hi Vered – What a great list. It’s SO important to listen even when it isn’t interesting. My daughter goes on and on about this one little boy that she really likes. I’m so tired of hearing about him but I know that he’s important to her so I listen. And I am constantly telling her not to worry what other people think – that it’s better to be unique and interesting rather than like everyone else.
Hunter Nuttall responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 10:50 am →
Fantastic list! I almost want to borrow a kid to practice these things. Thanks for the link.
Regarding your last post, yesterday a non-ugly girl told me I had the best pick up line: “I have a good credit score.”
Memarie Lane responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 11:03 am →
I also thinks it’s important not to over-inflate your child’s ego, which can be counter-productive. When I was growing up my parents constantly barraged me with praise for my intelligence. Because of this I became cocky. I felt I didn’t need to study or do the work the other kids needed to do. Heck, my mere presence would inspire my teachers to give me an A+++++! But it doesn’t work out that way. I could have done really well if I had bothered to work and study, but I didn’t. And here I am, a low-income could-have-been.
Cricket responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 11:22 am →
This is a fantastic list. I can truly say that having a teen now I cannot express how important this list is. I have just begun number 20 with my teen. He is always on the go and we need this “our” time together. Having a 8 year old is another story. Number 4 is what I am dealing with right now. He is so opposite from his brother. Things don’t come as easy to him and he finds himself comparing himself to big brother. We are working on it.
Great list.
zoe responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 11:59 am →
What an excellent post, on a topic I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. It’s funny, these things all seem like common sense things to me, but I know that putting some of them into practice is going to be the hard part. I can tell you right now that I’ll have trouble with just listening without giving advice, and BP will have trouble with letting them have the freedom to play and explore. Hopefully BP and I can help each other in any areas that we need to work on as our kids grow up. And I’m sure those areas are ever changing, and are maybe different for each kid. I really can’t wait for the day we little ones in our home.
Mindful Mimi responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 12:36 pm →
Hi there,
What a great post. Thanks for sharing the tips.
1 and 2: I do every day.
3: I wanted to become a writer and remember my parents getting upset of me having so many penpals and when I wrote a ‘book’ when I was 14 it was sort of funny. I would never do this to my kids. Even if they want to become something I hate.
4: they are!
5: I agree but the same message goes to the boys who should not take these images to be the ideal woman.
6: my son seems to be creatively inclined and I love to foster that
7: my kids are still small (2,5 and 1) but it is tough, I agree
8: I tell this to my kids already now – that I love them even if they do something like disobeying or something bad.
9: mine go to daycare since they are little and that group feeling does help them to develop respect for others
10: this is indeed a tough one, not giving advice. It’s time, quality time they want. And tell you their stories of which they have many!
11: I try to be. They don’t have much patience when they are little
12: It isn’t until you try to teach them something that you realize that you don’t always do as you preach
13: as small as they are, when they say the can do this, they probably can. One should watch them but also trust them. Trust and confidence are the best teachers.
14: I always tell mine that they can do everything
15: I hate spiders! So I feel with your kid
16: I was raised with easy going but caring parents that let us kids do things. So I am far from overprotective. My husband is sometimes pulling his hair out at the things I let them do…
17: I guess this becomes a tough one when they want to start to belong…
18: My 2,5 year old goes outside into the garden alone to play in the sandbox – I watch him from inside of course, but he is outside alone, doing his thing. And I think it’s a great experience.
19: this is very important. I do this all the time, for little things as well as big ones
20: one on one is probably the most important thing when you have several kids. You need to get down to the individual needs and give them quality mommie alone time.
Dr, J responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 2:38 pm →
All great suggestions!
I can’t comment from personal experience, but just this morning, I had a wonderful conversation with a man, who is in a minor service business, who has twin sons almost finished with high school, who are straight A students, well behaved, well adjusted young men! A real tribute to a mom and dad who provided stable, well balanced parenting with great results to show for it!
Robin responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 3:55 pm →
Hi Vered – this is awesome. I relate to the “wrong side” of many of those things – as a daughter. I like the last point especially – as an adult I took Dad out for lunch once, just the 2 of us, to bond more, and he was restless and just didn’t “get it” (later when he had Alzheimer’s I spent more time with him).
kathy responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 5:02 pm →
Vered
.
I practiced all of these while raising my daughters and they have grown up to be such intelligent, capable, and gorgeous young women. I am so very proud of each of them. With three of them five years apart from oldest to youngest, it was difficult to get one on one time with each, but somehow we manged to do this regularly. I think this made a huge difference in all our lives. I still schedule this time with them even though they are away from home. Sometimes this means I have to travel, but that’s fun too
Evelyn Lim responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 6:32 pm →
Hello Vered, I like your point #5. I have already told my girls every now and then about looks, but I am not sure if they have really heard what I said. It’s not quite easy explaining that they are beautiful but beauty is about the inner qualities. I’m wondering if watching Barbie shows are also having a bad effect.
Your list of points is awesome! Stumbled!
Hunter’s comments also made me laugh!! As always, his feedback is a delight to read!
Sincerely,
Evelyn
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 9:21 pm →
@ Kim Woodbridge: “it’s better to be unique and interesting rather than like everyone else” – I completely agree.
@ Hunter Nuttall: Haha you can borrow my kids for a week. Your pick up line is awesome – how can anyone not respond to someone with a good credit score?
@ Memarie Lane: “a low-income could-have-been” – I hate that you say this about yourself! Surely you can still do something to change your situation??
@ Cricket: Comparisons between siblings are normal but can cause a lot of distress and also hostility. We are working on it too.
@ zoe: I told you before – I’ll repeat it here – you will be a great mom because you have a good heart. Kind people make great parents. Children are small and helpless and depend on us for their survival. They need us to be good to them. They need kindness. Of course, they need discipline too. But above all, they need kindness.
@ Mindful Mimi: Wow! You read the entire post! Everyone said that people skim online content rather than read, but you are obviously a reader – and a thorough one. Thank you for your detailed comment.
I completely agree that boys too need to be taught to ignore the media.
“he is outside alone, doing his thing. And I think it’s a great experience.” – absolutely. It’s not good for them to have us constantly hover over them.
@ Dr. J: ”straight A students, well behaved, well adjusted young men” – this IS a wonderful accomplishment.
@ Robin: Parents do make mistakes. I do too, of course! I try to get the important things right though. I’m so sorry your dad had Alzheimer’s. That must have been tough.
@ kathy: It’s wonderful to be proud of your children. To watch them and feel your heart fill with admiration and happiness. It’s amazing.
@ Evelyn Lim: “It’s not quite easy explaining that they are beautiful but beauty is about the inner qualities.” True. Re Hunter, he always makes me smile. He says it’s his job.
Juliet - LifeMadeGreat responds:
Posted: January 12th, 2009 at 11:02 pm →
Hi Vered
I can’t tell you how important this article of yours is to me at this time. I can only say, “Thank you”.
Juliet
J.D. Meier responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 2:47 am →
I agree – parents can have a profound impact.t.
I remember the book Learned Optimism even pointed out that kids should be taught skilled optimism, to better prepare them for the challenges of growing up. Apparently it can mean the difference between snowballing up or spiraling down.
Natural responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 3:45 am →
you never stop working as a parent, there’s so much to teach them. i like no. 3..my kid said something about working at mcdonalds. after i woke up, i said you can own a mcdonalds but as a worker…i don’t think so. anywho, she also writes and draws very well. i see her doing something in this area but will support whatever makes her happy (cough).
too kids deserve respect as well. i hate to hear parents yell and curse at their kids in the store. makes me cringe. they’re small, but deserve to be shown honor as well.
Lance responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 5:57 am →
Hi Vered,
We, as parents, have the awesome responsibility of really giving our children the solid footing upon which their life stands. And with that responsibility, we can do good, or we can do bad. I love this – because it’s such an important reminder about how our actions affect those who look up to us, those who model us, those who love us.
Bamboo Forest - PunIntended responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 11:39 am →
This is great advice. I think any parent could benefit from reading this.
I think number nine is so important. In schools today, High schools, middle schools and elementary schools, it is epidemic the making fun of others. And it is cruel.
And it irritates me because I do believe that parents are partly to blame. True, some kids will be the way they want to be independent of the values the parents instill. But many will be impacted by their parents direction. Many many will.
I have to believe, if the parents of children who are notorious for making fun of others taught them from a very young age that: ‘You do not make fun of others. If I ever catch you doing this, you’re going to be in HUGE trouble…’ If they would express how important it is not to do so and how devastating it is for others to be the recipient of such cruelty, they probably wouldn’t take part in it.
Or, at the very least… they would take part in it much less.
MizFit responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 11:46 am →
no words as you really nailed it all.
even the seemingly obvious ones. BE THERE. BE AVAILABLE.
BE PRESENT.
Mark Salinas responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm →
Absolutely fantastic! Thanks for this!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 7:19 pm →
@ Juliet: You’re very welcome.
@ J.D. Meier: “skilled optimism” – I like that. My dad is an eternal optimist. I am not. I often think that if I could have his outlook on life, things would be easier.
@ Natural: I completely agree that kids deserve respect.
@ Lance: They do love us so much, don’t they? And they completely depend on us. My heart sometimes aches for them because of how vulnerable they are.
@ Bamboo Forest: I agree. I have come across several families who think teasing is fun. But it’s not. For many children, it is torture.
@ MizFit: Obvious, yet so hard. We are always so BUSY.
@ Mark Salinas: Glad you liked it.
Kelvin Kao responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 10:04 pm →
#3. Don’t dismiss their dreams for the future: I think that’s not only for the kids, but for everyone. Who is to say that something is impossible?
4. Tell them they are perfect just the way they are: This is important. In fact, this is the idea behind Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Some kids grew up doing fine getting this from the show when they were not getting it from their home one reason or another.
Mia responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 10:14 pm →
Thanks for posting this. I’m always worried about my daughter’s self-image and if I’m doing the right things to help her become a strong, confident, empathetic woman in the future. Your post highlighted many things I already do, and gave me pointers to ensure that I can keep doing other things now and in the future.
veena responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2009 at 11:40 pm →
i love the list… a bad self image can be devastating especially in teenage girls…although my parents never followed the first two, they showed us that they loved us in plenty of other ways
Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
Posted: January 14th, 2009 at 5:19 am →
Fantastic article Vered. I think lots of affection and confidence in your child is very important, as is loving them unconditionally. Many people talk about this now, but really unconditional love is not easy to be consistent with. It takes effort and a desire to look at our own prejudices and fears. I don’t think the challenge here comes from not liking who ur children are, but fearing what some personality traits may mean for them. My Bunny can be very over sensitive and a total drama queen about what seems to me to be little things. Sometimes he just exhausts me with his ‘big’ personality and mood swings, but I try to remind myself that its all part and parcel of having a highly creative and intuitive child who is a natural performer. Every so called downside has an upside and really, we cannot change who we are at our core so what choice do we have but to accept our kids the way they are and help them develop skils to make their way through life regardless.
And please don’t ever tell your daughter writing is only good as a hobby. My dad did that and I took almost 20 years to shake that inner belief off. If some people can make it as an author, then if she applies herself, stays focused and writes, writes, writes, there’s no reason she can’t as well. And a dream pursued will always leave you better off than a dream ignored or rationalized away.
Loved this piece. Stumbled.
Kelly x
Adrenalynn responds:
Posted: January 14th, 2009 at 5:46 am →
I want to print this and put it on my fridge! All of this is SO true, SO easy to do if you really think about it- and yet so often we forget. I want to always remember to treat my children like this! My number one priority when talking with my kids is taking them seriously and respecting them enough to talk to them like I would an adult (age appropriately, of course). As a result, my children seem to be very good at treating us and others the same way.
Thanks for a great post!
Chris responds:
Posted: January 14th, 2009 at 9:29 am →
Number 11 is a must. Number 16 is important even though it could get expensive sometimes.
Jannie responds:
Posted: January 14th, 2009 at 11:00 am →
You know, Vered, this post has stuck with me these past couple of days, been thinking especially about numbers 7 and 17 and how they apply to my daughter. She has always been very very independant. Ever since she started crawling at 5 months she has wanted to know and rule the world and I have to continually allow her to do just that (even if it is exhausting for me,) as it serves her unique journey well. Thanks for the reminders on that.
Memarie Lane responds:
Posted: January 14th, 2009 at 12:19 pm →
Vered- My aspirations have changed. I no longer wish to rule the world of literature. Right now I’m homeschooling three young kids. When they’re grown I’ll only be in my 50′s, plenty of time still to go back to school, but this time I think I’ll do Medieval History or some field of Science. And this time I’ll study and do my homework.
Patricia responds:
Posted: January 14th, 2009 at 3:10 pm →
Vered, this is a great list and I am happy to have an opportunity to make a comment. Once I heard Maya Angelou say – when you child enters the room always make your face radiate that you are so happy to be with them and see them. I tried to keep that in mind.
I have one child who is completely in the moment, and clothing is extremely important to her until her second year of college when a friend said to her…”You are so beautiful but you are kind of like a black hole inside – I don’t know where you are on the inside. ” Now she asks more questions about how to feel about things and know about things. Although figuring out questions is very difficult for her. She has a nice boyfriend who tells her “that’s just normal parenting” We love her and her spontaneous spirit, but she believe her peers, especially is she is given a gift, more than she believes her parents.
This has helped me to find more kindness in my heart and made me clarify my speaking more…Saying I love you must be often during the day….and she prohibits hugging…
folks need to do the very best they can and keep kindness always available to them because some children are just different in scary ways…
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 14th, 2009 at 3:19 pm →
@ Kelvin Kao: “Some kids grew up doing fine getting this from the show when they were not getting it from their home one reason or another” – sad but probably true.
@ Mia: Moms worry. It’s what we do.
@ veena: “although my parents never followed the first two, they showed us that they loved us in plenty of other ways” – Not all parents, especially dads, feel comfortable with physical closeness. I’m not sure why – holding your child close to you is one of the best things in life. Maybe it’s the way they were brought up. But I agree that there are many other ways to show a child love and respect.
@ Kelly: What you said about writing was important for me to hear. I often find myself tempted to talk about how hard it is to make a living from writing. But now that I’ve read your words, your own experience, I’ll be especially careful.
@ Adrenalynn: “My number one priority when talking with my kids is taking them seriously” – absolutely agree. And as you say, while it sounds obvious, it’s not, because they are small and inexperienced and they don’t think and act like adults. It’s very easy to dismiss their thoughts and ideas.
@ Chris: I agree that being emotionally available is a must.
@ Jannie: She sounds like my youngest. Independent, stubborn, charming and very intelligent. I love her with all my heart and think she has a great future ahead of her, but giving her the space she needs is not always easy.
@ Memarie Lane: Our plans and hopes for the future do tend to change dramatically once we have kids. I like your new plan for the future!
@ Patricia: “when you child enters the room always make your face radiate that you are so happy to be with them and see them” – this is very, very good advice. I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to write comments!
Nancy responds:
Posted: January 14th, 2009 at 6:59 pm →
Hi everyone, this is a great discussion. Great comments all around!
May I add:
having them involved in team sports and group programs where they 1) interact with other children and gain social abilities, 2) work on areas physically, creatively and mentally that help improve confidence in specific abilities and 3) pushing themselves to realistic goals that give them a sense of accomplishment.
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2009 at 1:54 am →
Hi Vered – What a beautiful post. In your words I could hear the love you have for your daughters. Just as your mother was a great influence on you, you’re doing the same for them, If all parents followed the advice you’ve shared in this post, the world would be a much better place and the children would feel secure. How great would that be?
moses responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2009 at 9:42 am →
Thanks for the post and I really love the comments.
Listening is one of the key things i believe will help the parent in order to understand thier ward. Children needs someone to share their minds, view and everything about them if they are giving the opportunity. which will help in knowing how they can be cared for and one thing which i would love to share again from your post is the, fact that we all make mistakes and this doesn’t mean that it’s the end of our life, but mistake is mean’t to strenghten us and also to work harder.
Thanks!!!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2009 at 4:03 pm →
@ Nancy: I agree that getting kids involved in team sports is highly beneficial. My daughters do gymnastics in a non-competitive, encouraging environment. While this is not a team sport, it is a great way to make them feel strong, capable and accomplished.
@ Barbara Swafford: Thank you.
I do love my daughters very much. I love them more than I love myself. But I think this is true for all parents.
@ moses: Absolutely agree about making mistakes.
CK Lunchbox responds:
Posted: January 15th, 2009 at 7:25 pm →
I’ve been wanting to read this since seeing it posted, but wanted to make sure I had the time to actually read it and not skim. All of these of course, are both practical and essential. A good deal of these I’ve been consciously using with my stepdaughters who have endured a great deal of inconsistency with all the changes in their life. This last year, though have been much more stable and the effects are evident to include them having more confidence.
The positive reinforcement has yielded one other thing between me as their new stepfather and the girls. Closeness. This week the oldest, who’s rather unaffectionate started giving me hugs on her own before getting on the bus in the morning.
A note about #3. I wanted to be an artist and writer from the time I was in grade school, but my family told me I needed a real job even though they acknowledged my talents and interest. I listened and it’s taken almost 17 years to get back to what I wanted to do in the first place. Part of building a child’s self image is getting them to the place where they can stand up to you when it comes to doing what they believe in… and then backing them up.
Great post as always.
Danifer (Jennifer) responds:
Posted: January 16th, 2009 at 11:41 am →
GREAT post!!!!! I really need to revisit these over and over again, I have found that I lose sight of some of these things. Thanks for the reminder.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 16th, 2009 at 7:29 pm →
@ CK Lunchbox: Scanning is the curse of the internet. But I do it too. Thank you for actually reading this!
“This week the oldest, who’s rather unaffectionate started giving me hugs on her own before getting on the bus in the morning.” – I’m not the sentimental type, but wow. This must melt your heart each and every time it happens.
Thank you for your note about #3. It’s something I really struggle with. It helps when other share their own experiences about being discouraged from following their dreams. Parents do it with the best of intentions, of course, but it doesn’t make it any less damaging.
@ Danifer: Glad you liked it.
Genesis responds:
Posted: January 17th, 2009 at 4:18 pm →
What a great article! I have two young sons and there are days when I`m just so tired of the whining and yelling, but then I have to remind myself that they are going to be grown up soon and now is the only time I`ll have to teach them that they are truly loved. I ALWAYS tell them I love them, even when I`m angry, I`ll put them in time out, but remind them that I do love them even if they are acting out . . . growing up, I was taught that my father`s love was conditional and based on my behavior, I really don`t want my children to grow up with that!
JR responds:
Posted: January 17th, 2009 at 6:42 pm →
At a certain point it’s no wonder our children, especially our male children, have become so soft. A lot of your points are good, but many of them may be interpreted by others to mean, “a parent is someone who is their child’s best friend.” I have children, and I’m not a military drill instructor, but the role of a parent is to protect, to nurture, and to encourage our children. Many times this includes showing them the error of their ways (as well as the error of others’ ways), and it also includes making hard decisions on their behalf.
My children will have to learn how difficult and cruel the world is. I pray it happens as late as possible, but they’re not going to be 25 and living at home and asking for cash from me, either. And our culture has now embraced this idea of the parent as a friend, where punishment is frowned upon and only positive encouragement is acceptable. In the meantime we drug every active male child and label him ADD, and we are encountering an entire generation of 20-somethings who simply have not grown up.
Like I said, many of your items are appropriate, but I see several of them being twisted into changing the relationship of a parent/child to one of two friends, where the decisions made by each are individualistic and acceptable on virtually all levels.
Juggo responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2009 at 6:45 am →
The woman in the last picture is bent over so you can see her boobies down her shirt.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2009 at 10:17 am →
@ Genesis: Sounds like you’re doing an excellent job!
@ JR: I believe parents need to be parents, not friends. I am actually very good at setting limits for my kids (better than many of my real-life friends who often joke that they need to send their kids over here for a week so that they learn to listen to adults). I do punish my kids, and I know that many experts say you shouldn’t punish, but they have certain privileges such as watching TV that I take away if they misbehave. However, I rarely need to punish them because when I issue a request, they know I mean it and they know it’s in their best interest and they usually comply. In my experience, being loving and respectful to your kids while also being willing to set limits as necessary, makes them love you and respect you and want to cooperate with you.
@ Juggo: The woman in the last picture is bent over because she is playing with her daughter. Believe it or not, but there are circumstances, and this photo is a good example, where breasts are not sexual and should not be viewed that way. A mother breastfeeding her child is another good example.
End of the Week Links — 1/18/09 « responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2009 at 4:50 pm →
[...] out two of her articles: “I Read a Vogue Article and Now my Brain Hurts” and “20 Ways to Help Your Child Develop a Positive Self Image“. I’m not a parent at the moment but the article is useful and enlightening [...]
Kimberly @ Christian FirePower Blog responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2009 at 8:32 pm →
Awesome, awesome advice for parents! Beautiful stuff!
I really agree with listening…It’s so important to listen to your children, get to know them, find out what makes them tick, what makes them dream, what’s going on!
Kimberly
Emsxiety responds:
Posted: January 18th, 2009 at 10:35 pm →
The fear of spiders is completely reasonable. They are really scary. They JUMP and have hairy legs. They’re just wrong.
I think the basic lesson here is to let your kids be themselves and just guide them to help them become who they are meant to be.
20 Ways To Help Your Child Develop A Positive Self Image | « The Head’s Office responds:
Posted: January 19th, 2009 at 6:34 am →
[...] http://momgrind.com/2009/01/12/children-self-image/ [...]
Mark responds:
Posted: January 19th, 2009 at 8:11 am →
I hope your weekend was fabulous!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 20th, 2009 at 9:19 am →
@ Kimberly: Agree that listening – really listening – is very important.
@ Emsxiety: Haha on spiders. Roached are way worse IMO but it’s a matter of personal preference I guess. I agree the basic idea is to let kids be themselves. It’s challenging, because loving parents often want to shape their kids into something “better.”
Lifts – patriciaswisdom.com responds:
Posted: January 21st, 2009 at 2:07 am →
[...] Vered Here is some very good thinking about how we support our children and encourage them to have a strong sense of self and be positive. The comments are as excellent as the points of the writer. A lift up of timely ideas. [...]
Micheal responds:
Posted: January 21st, 2009 at 2:14 pm →
I agree parents have the power to build a strong self esteem in their child, if they don’t the media will. Part of being a parent is building a strong human being that is in touch with their true essences. Great post thank you for sharing!
Alik Levin | PracticeThis.com responds:
Posted: January 23rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm →
Vered!
This is extremely useful… ahhh… let me call it guide!
I ceearly can see my flaws now so I can start imrpvoing and making my kids stronger
thanks for sharing.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 23rd, 2009 at 9:12 pm →
@ Michael: Glad you enjoyed it.
@ Alik: I’m making parenting mistakes too, of course.
Riffkirt responds:
Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm →
Thank you for this. I worry as my son is very shy. I have to keep reminding myself he is 19 months old and has every right to be wary of new experiences. Plus I have to stop comparing him to others.
We hug and kiss all the time. Yesterday I had the best experience. I was putting my son in his high chair bending over doing the straps up when he got hold of my face, pulled me close and kissed me. Showing him I love him definitely has benefits!!!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 4:16 pm →
@ Riffkirt: Shyness at his age is nothing to worry about. My oldest was the same and she’s doing very well socially now.
“he got hold of my face, pulled me close and kissed me. ” What a beautiful, tender moment.
Smalltowngirl responds:
Posted: February 9th, 2009 at 10:57 pm →
These are great tips for parents- sometimes it is easy to not be a postive parent and to just try to get through the day. Thank you for this!
Happy Birthday, Let’s Live Forever! — Let's Live Forever! responds:
Posted: March 18th, 2009 at 6:07 am →
[...] Cath, who writes about success in business, has written about how to be a business success story at any age, and life coach Davina has written about believing in yourself. Vered, a mommy blogger, has written an article about children’s self-esteem. [...]
Mitch McDad responds:
Posted: April 7th, 2009 at 11:12 pm →
I have two little girls, so number 5 hit home for me.
Patient Parenting: Five Tried And Tested Tips | responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 8:41 am →
[...] Reading: Worst Mom Ever 20 Ways To Help Your Child Develop A Positive Self Image Parenthood Has Turned Me Into A Better Person Watching My [...]
40+ Activities For Kids That Do Not Involve TV, Computer, Wii, Or Any Other Screen | responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2009 at 9:54 pm →
[...] — More parenting articles from MomGrind: Worst Mom Ever Parenting Tips: How To Be More Patient How To Help Your Child Develop A Positive Self Image [...]
Zoltan - self-esteem building responds:
Posted: July 10th, 2009 at 1:27 pm →
That’s so true that you always have to focus on your children’s strengths and qualities instead of dwelling on their mistakes. Building self-esteem is essential for their early development.
Trying new things is also important and that’s the way how they discover the world around them. They will have a different approach toward basically everything. We adults can not compete with their creativity and curiosity. They need encouragement and they have to know, feel and sense that the parents are there for them whenever they need them.
There are many great advice in this article and probably one of the most important is: Listening.
Everybody wants to talk, but very few are listening. Let your kids talk. Ask their opinion about everything. Ask them how they would do certain things. How they’d do it differently.
They will come up with ideas you have never thought of. Let them smile throughout the day, that’s the best you can do.
41 Bloggers Share Their Best Money Advice | Squawkfox responds:
Posted: January 23rd, 2010 at 9:51 pm →
[...] 20 Ways To Help Your Child Develop A Positive Self Image | MomGrind [...]
Stephanie responds:
Posted: March 30th, 2010 at 10:44 am →
For a new mother this article really opens my eyes up and my heart to what is about to happen. So happy and thankfull. Your children are so lucky to have you!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 30th, 2010 at 11:11 am →
Thank you Stephanie!
Why Do People Bully? | Blogger For Hire responds:
Posted: April 19th, 2010 at 8:03 pm →
[...] a bully, my kids are likely to perceive bullying as OK) and doing everything in our power to raise kids with a high self esteem can make a real difference in our kids’ lives and in our [...]