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Sleepless Night

60 Responses to: “Sleepless Night”

1. Natural responds:
   Posted: February 3rd, 2009 at 9:18 pm →

   i think about the future, but i’m not afraid of it. i’m not terribly afraid for my daughter either, hopefully she will do well and make good choices in life because of what her parents taught her.

   we still do say our prayers daily, mostly over food and i think that keeps us less fearful. there’s only so much we can do about the future, the only thing we can control is the right now. easier said than done, but each day has its own anxieties, and i’m in no rush to deal with anything else but today. which is difficult enough.

   i know what you mean about freezing time, things just seem so perfect, you don’t want them to change, but that’s life. i just don’t want to die.

2. RC - Rambling Along... responds:
   Posted: February 3rd, 2009 at 9:43 pm →

   I feel like you, as I think you know all too well.

   I treasure the immediate moments, but worry about what the future will hold. I see the challenges waiting ahead for my son, and I hope and pray he can face them and come out ahead.

   I worry about the economy and how quickly everything we have – our comfortable little home, with enough food and security – could vanish.

   I cherish what I have at the moment, and try to live in this moment, but as with any wife and mother, I look ahead and am all too aware of the future rushing forward to the present. I can rationalize that having fear and worrying will not change what may come, but I can’t change what I feel.

   If I could freeze in this moment, I would. But then, as I look at my past, there are many of other moments I would have gladly have frozen. And how would I be here, enjoying this moment, had I stopped at those moments.

3. Mike Goad responds:
   Posted: February 3rd, 2009 at 9:49 pm →

   We’re long past where you are right now. It’s not that bad.

   My oldest daughter called me this evening to wish me happy birthday. She lives in North Little Rock. When I wasn’t much younger than her, making a long distance phone call would have been a splurge, not a normal thing.

   Our youngest lives in Wisconsin with her hubby and our two grandkids. Yet, it’s not unusual to talk to them and play games with them using the computer and web cams.

   I can honestly say that we are closer to our kids because of technology than we were able to be with our parents. My mother-in-law still thinks it’s an extravagance to call long distance.

   If you’ve done everything that you can to make sure that they are safe now and they are growing up to be responsible adults, then it’ll be okay. The way to stop worrying is to do all that you can do as a good parent and realize that, if you’ve done that, worrying isn’t going to help a bit more. In fact, it could make things worse when the time comes to let go.

   I have faith in you!

4. Daphne responds:
   Posted: February 3rd, 2009 at 10:07 pm →

   Hi Vered,

   Wow, I hung on to every word of this post. Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with us. I think about the future a lot, but not with worry. Then again, I have no kids and I do imagine what kind of future is in store for my nephews sometimes so I can imagine it’s a hundred times more intense for a parent. Thank you for a lovely, honest, heartfelt, authentic post.

5. Kim Woodbridge responds:
   Posted: February 3rd, 2009 at 10:16 pm →

   I alternate being hopeful that the world will become a better place and thinking that the world is not going to be very pleasant for our children. Sometimes I think everything will be ok and other times I think I should start stockpiling food and buy a gun. Extremes, I know. There is a part of me that is very pessimistic right now and thinks thing are going to get really really bad all over the world. But, I don’t worry about it too much because I don’t have any control over it. All I can do is face it. And then I hope that my feelings are wrong and that all will be well.

   I feel somehow that I am ruining your beautiful post.

6. Juliet - LifeMadeGreat responds:
   Posted: February 3rd, 2009 at 10:20 pm →

   Hi Vered

   Fear is gripping and I can feel how you experienced it that night. It is wonderful that you still gave thanks.

   Have you felt like this previously though? I was thinking that perhaps in the past you have wanted to freeze the moment, but you couldn’t, and now things are even better.

   Juliet

7. MomGrind responds:
   Posted: February 3rd, 2009 at 10:32 pm →

   @ Natural: “i’m in no rush to deal with anything else but today” – I think this is the right approach. I need to do that too. I usually manage it during the day, but the occasional sleepless nights are more difficult.

   @ RC – Rambling Along: I do know you feel like me. We both worry way too much.

   “as I look at my past, there are many of other moments I would have gladly have frozen. And how would I be here, enjoying this moment, had I stopped at those moments.” – very true.

   @ Mike Goad: I don’t think I told you this before, but I admire you. I see you as a great role model: a family man, responsible, made good financial choices, enjoying retirement. Thank you for your comment and for your faith in me. I am doing my best.

   @ Daphne: Intense is a good word to describe parenting. It’s been one of the most intense experiences of my life.

   @ Kim Woodbridge: You’re so funny. You’re not ruining my post! I can totally relate to what you’re saying.

   “I don’t worry about it too much because I don’t have any control over it” – my husband is trying to teach me to stop worrying about things that are out of my control. He’s been trying to teach me that for almost 20 years now.

   @ Juliet: I’ve had wonderful moments in my life, but never before have I felt so strongly about wanting to stay where I am. I think part of it is that my kids are 7 and 9 – it’s easier than ever to raise them and I enjoy them so much. Another part is fear of aging.

8. Mike Goad responds:
   Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 12:17 am →

   Wow… me… a role model? and it wasn’t that long ago that you said “After reading this post… I don’t think two people could possibly be any more different than you and I are.” Can you guess who I’m voting for?

   Thanks.

9. Davina responds:
   Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 1:19 am →

   I really enjoyed this Vered. I’ve had moments like this when I felt SO happy I didn’t want it to end. You are blessed! I never used to think too much about the future — everything seemed taken care of and I didn’t worry. Now I think about it all the time because it feels uncertain. Time is moving so fast and things change so quickly — that’s a big part of it — and time speeds up as we age. I remember when I was young that one hour seemed like an eternity.

10. Adrenalynn responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 2:21 am →

    Such an amazing, personal post. I love reading your “regular” articles on body image, media- whatever topic you write about; but this post really made a difference for me today. Thank you for helping me to remember what’s really important… I needed that after a stressful morning. I still have the feeling my almost-three-year-old felt a little upset and insecure when I left him at day care this morning. I hate that I made him feel that way because I wanted him to hurry up. Your post made me stop and think.
    Thank you!

11. Lance responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 3:55 am →

    Hi Vered,
    I love this post – the honesty in it. We can’t freeze time. Yet, there are moments in our life – when we might like to hold on to them. …and life goes on…

    My own children are just a little bit older than yours. I recall thinking, a few weeks back – while I was with my 10 year old (our youngest) – and he was holding my hand as we went into the grocery store – how this moment may not last much longer. And I felt sadness. Knowing that his brother and sister (14 and 12) won’t do this anymore. And I wanted that moment to last. …and life goes on…

    So, we take the moments we have, and we can hold on to the memories that are created. And look forward to new and exciting lives ahead. As hard as that is, it is what our children need…

12. Betsy Wuebker responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 4:44 am →

    Oh Vered, you made me remember how I wished for Peter Pan to come when mine were about 4 and 6. Magical times for me and for them, too. But they do grow. And things change. And it’s so tempting to fear that things will never be “this good.” It’s okay. They won’t. They’ll be “as good” or “better” or maybe not so much. The one thing you can count on is they’ll be different from now. Preserving the present, wrapping it up, or putting a lid on it, can’t be done completely, but it can be made more vivid when we’re fully engaged, without distraction. So revel in how perfectly sublime things are in each magical moment. That attitude of joy may just be enough so that you’ll sail through the inevitable difficulties with more surety. Oh…and take lots of photos.

13. Ian Peatey responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 5:25 am →

    Vered

    I thought this was such a beautiful, evocative and alive piece of writing.

    How do I feel about the future?

    I’ve never had much view of the future beyond 5 or 6 months ahead. It’s not that I avoid thinking about it, just that in those periods of my life when I was thinking ahead, nothing turned out how I expected. It started to seem like a big waste of time and I focused more on developing my capacity to handle stuff. I thought that then I’d be better prepared to handle whatever comes up. So far it’s proved a great strategy and I’ve handled some really challenging situations that I couldn’t have done a few years ago.

    And if I look back over my life so far .. well, it just gets better and better, and I’ve no reason to doubt that it’ll continue to do so.

14. Evelyn Lim responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 5:34 am →

    Just the other day, I was drawn by the sight of my younger girl skipping her way back home from school. I unconsciously let out a sigh of great joy, wishing that time will freeze that very moment!

    It’s been the same with me almost everyday. I am grateful for my many blessings. My two gems are my little darlings – my kids. I know that they will not be with me forever. I choose to treasure every precious moment spent with them. It’s also why I chose to give up my banking job and not to return to the corporate world.

    Yes, letting go will hurt. But it’s better that we know that the day will come. It means that we make sure that we live in the present moment fully.

15. veena responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 7:03 am →

    beautiful post. I’m not married and don’t have kids but I think all parents feel that way. As for my future, I’m excited about what might be but I’m also very happy in the present.

16. Dr. J responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 7:34 am →

    What a poignant, thoughtful post!

    I’ve heard that roots and wings are the gifts to give our children, and the wings are the hard part! I suspect the wings you give your children will have them flying home over the years.
    I have joked about bonsaing children, like the miniature 100 year old trees, but haven’t gotten the technique down yet. I’ll keep you posted

17. Suzie responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 7:36 am →

    Wow no wonder you didnt sleep. Thats too muchto think about at night. My suggestion is have a nice warm glass of milk take some cleasing breaths and read something really boring. It always helps me sleep

18. Writer Dad responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 7:40 am →

    Snort…. and you said you weren’t a writer.

    Beautiful post, Vered.

    I’m swelled with gleaming hope for my future, gilded with a thread of fear.

19. Lawyer Mom responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 8:06 am →

    Vered, I totally understand how you feel. It’s why I’ll suddenly start crying at my kid’s Thanksgiving play, or a swim meet, at anything really. Because the older he gets, the faster I see time going by. The mere thought of life after he is out of the house puts a lump in my throat. My friends with teenagers say I’ll be just fine when the time comes. Right now, though, it’s hard to believe them.

20. Michelle @ What Does Your Body Good? responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 8:25 am →

    When I was 16 I remember thinking how OLD I’d be and how terrifying it would be to turn 25. And that wasn’t so bad when it came and went. So I guess I just feel hopeful that things will work out in the future. They always do. I’ve found that thinking too much and worrying about it keeps me from experiencing the present.

21. CK Lunchbox responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 9:08 am →

    Parenting seems to contain a number of paradoxical conundrums whose solutions lay rooted in a balancing act walked on a tightrope we can’t always see. You try not to lean too far one way or the other but it still is hard.

    I don’t think parents really ever stop worrying about their children to some degree. I’m a grown man with a list of achievements and my parents still worry about me at a time in their life when I should be more concerned about them.

    I constantly think about this issue, but of even greater concern to me is the impact of the divorce with their mother. I hate, hate, hate that my three sons have to live with the sad consequences of the poor decisions made their parents. The focus now for me is mitigating the effects of this as much as possible, but I also know there will issues and feelings they would have otherwise never had to deal with. Within this context, it bothers me all the more to think about their future. How will this affect their self-image, their sense of manhood and one day even their own marriages? It would be nice to keep time in check and not have to deal with these questions.

    Still, I try to balance this by thinking of the joy I would be robbing them and myself of, bore from all the happy milestones yet to be discovered and enjoyed as they continue to grow.

22. tom responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 9:15 am →

    Thinking about the future gives you worry and uncertainty. While thinking of the past gives you guilt, so in essence, none are good.
    You can look back to learn from the mistakes but you should focus on the present moment, and make the most of it. Because if you just keep looking ahead, you will miss what is in front of you.

23. MomGrind responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 10:10 am →

    @ Mike: First impressions can be deceiving.

    @ Davina: “time speeds up as we age” – this is so true. I’m not sure why it happens, but perception of time does change with age.

    @ Adrenalynn: The guilt you’re describing is so common for mothers. I feel it almost daily. I’m not sure why we do this to ourselves, but I can tell you that worrying about how you made him feel, experiencing that terrible guilt, is a colossal waste of energy AND it means you’re a good, loving, caring mom.

    @ Lance: “and he was holding my hand as we went into the grocery store – how this moment may not last much longer” – I am so aware of this too. In my 9 year-old I can already see glimpses of rebellion and fierce independence, even though most of the time she’s still my little girl. It’s tough.

    @ Betsy Wuebker: That’s exactly what I’m trying to do – absorb as much of this as I can. Photos are important, but sometimes looking at old photos can be painful.

    @ Ian Peatey: I LOVE your attitude. It’s so true that things never turn out as we plan anyway. As for “it just gets better and better, and I’ve no reason to doubt that it’ll continue to do so” – I want to feel this way to. I’ll try telling it to myself every day. See if I can convince myself it’s true.

    @ Evelyn Lim: “live in the present moment fully” – I agree – this is the best we can do.

    @ veena: Feeling excited about the future is wonderful!

    @ Dr. J: “I suspect the wings you give your children will have them flying home over the years” – I sure hope so.

    @ Suzie: I’ll try that next time I can’t sleep.

    @ Writer Dad: “I’m swelled with gleaming hope for my future, gilded with a thread of fear.” Sigh. I can write better than most, but not as good as you.

    @ Lawyer Mom: “My friends with teenagers say I’ll be just fine when the time comes.” – yeah, this is basically what Mike said in his comment. I know they’re all right, and I’m sure there’s beauty and joy in every season of life, but right now I’d like to hang on to this season and never let it go.

    @ Michelle: “I’ve found that thinking too much and worrying about it keeps me from experiencing the present.” – VERY true.

    @ CK Lunchbox: I love talking with you about parenting because whenever we do, it makes me realize fathers can experience parenting-related guilt too. I tend to forget that and assume that only mothers suffer from this terrible guilt. Plus you write so well.

    @ tom: I completely agree with every word you said. I try… mostly I’m good about living in the moment and making the most of it. But once in a while I waste a lot of energy thinking about the future – and sometimes (though not very often) the past.

24. Carla responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 10:14 am →

    Thought I don’t have living children, I can still in a way relate to the fear of the future you’re dealing with. I think for me, being thankful and enjoy even some of the smaller moments in life is helpful despite my so-called reality.

25. Diana responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 10:30 am →

    Boy, this touching post really hit me this morning. I am 55 and my 2 daughters are 31 and 34. I have been holding on, lately, to our September 2001 vacation together as a family (the first all together in many, many years). That was the last time I felt the thrill of us all being together safely and everything was right with the world. I savored every minute and the memory has held up. We arrived in Hawaii 3 days before 9/11. I was amazed at how lucky I was we were all together (and off the mainland) together. That prevented so much fear for me had we been scattered that day.

    While there, my youngest met a young man visiting from Australia. When disaster struck on 9/11, he was stranded there with us and he latched onto my daughter. They married a couple years later and are currently living in Australia (that is hard! too far for me to visit). But there was a reward for “hanging in” through all the empty nest feelings and midlife overtaking my youth. Their daughter was born on Dec. 17, 2008.

    Now, that trip to Hawaii and that perfect moment is cemented in my mind, and my granddaughter is a perfect, and permanent reflection of my love for my family.

26. The moon | beyonditall.net responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 12:09 pm →

    [...] of my favorite bloggers, Vered with Mom Grind recently published Sleepless.  Upon opening this post, you will see a beautiful photo of her daughter happily doing what kids [...]

27. Marelisa responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 12:35 pm →

    @Mike: Yesterday, February 3rd was my dad’s birthday too! Happy Birthday!

    Hi Vered: I think you have a lot of things to look forward to in the future: watching your children graduate from college and embark on their careers and then maybe getting married; getting to play with your grandchildren . . . I think you should relax into the moment and enjoy each new phase as it comes. Of course, this is armchair advice since I don’t have kids, but that’s what I think.

28. Stacey / Create a Balance responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 1:54 pm →

    This was a powerful post that brought me to tears. I’m going to miss my boys being little. Just the thought of how much I’ll miss them being little can also bring me to tears (and I don’t cry very easily these days). And don’t get me started thinking about them moving out of the house!

    There is a silver lining, however, to having our children grow up. New experiences. New laughter. New celebrations. What would you be missing if they never grew up?

29. Tara responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm →

    I know you don’t often write about personal parenting things, but uhh Vered, that was just so lovely.
    Really captured the moment beautifully and worded it so eloquently.
    A wonderful reminder to us all how precious our family is.

30. Patricia responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 7:48 pm →

    If you hold fears hand it is really just opportunity wrapped in the unknown.
    Take lots of pictures and jog your memory by putting on labels and hints of the story behind them.

    There are days when you will wish to send them out the door “right now”, and this memory will come flooding in and keep you from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

    My Father’s birthday was 2/2/1914, but he died at 66 and I am still angry that he left me here alone to cope with everything. I miss him very much, we could talk about the big things.

    My Mother worried about everything – everything and it made us want to get away from her, and then when we were all gone she started to relax and enjoy life, but we mostly did not know her that way. The most fun we had when she was dying was as we went over her photo albums and she read what was on the other side and told me the story of that picture.
    If you focus on worry you just get more to worry about…where you put your energy gives you more energy in that direction.

    Lovely writing and great comments – again rejoice.

31. Ruth responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 7:58 pm →

    When going to sleep, I try to focus on things that have no bearing on my life because I can get caught up in panicky thoughts to easily and then have a hard time relaxing. Like when I was a kid, I make up whole worlds in my mind.

    But when I start to get worried about the future and can’t sleep, my focus is generally related to career & finances. What if I hate library school? What if I get my MLS/MSIS and discover that I don’t like the work at all? What if my husband can’t get a teaching job? What if the economy stays bad and we never have enough money to retire? What if I get out of library school and can’t get a job?

    Sometimes I’m able to convince myself that all I have to deal with is the shorter-term stuff…for the most part. That we’ll make various decisions based on circumstances in the future and that’ll shape our future. Doesn’t have to be set now.

    What’s worst is how I feel when I realize that I could die. I know that if something happened to my husband I might fall apart but I feel strong enough to take what comes. But I don’t want him to have to make do without me, I don’t want him to suffer through loss. Ok, enough of this because it’s almost bedtime.

32. Bamboo Forest - PunIntended responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 8:04 pm →

    A very insightful post.

    I think these difficult issues are best dealt with, via – acceptance. Once you truly accept the way life is, you can no longer struggle against what is. You find a semblance of peace.

    Easier said than done, sure. But, is there another way?

    Also… I think you should revel in your current circumstances. I think you are. Enjoy it fully… Don’t think too much about the future, if you do so, you taint how good things are RIGHT NOW. Allow the goodness of how things are now to saturate you. When the future comes, let it come. But don’t put your mind there… Put your mind here! It’s good!

33. MomGrind responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 9:12 pm →

    @ Carla: “being thankful and enjoy even some of the smaller moments in life is helpful” – I agree.

    @ Diana: What a beautiful memory. I don’t know what will be my last memory of spending time together as a united family. “my granddaughter is a perfect, and permanent reflection of my love for my family” – I guess at some point I will start looking forward to having a grandchild!

    @ Marelisa: I actually like your advice. It’s no secret that I admire you and think you’re one of the most intelligent, grounded people I’ve met. Thank you. This helped.

    @ Stacey: “There is a silver lining, however, to having our children grow up. New experiences. New laughter. New celebrations. What would you be missing if they never grew up?” It’s true. And I do enjoy them so much now. Maybe even more than I enjoyed them when they were younger.

    @ Tara: I was going back and forth on whether to publish this and decided to go ahead. It was a tough night. I want to remember it, and I wanted to read your comments and get some perspective.

    @ Patricia: “My Mother worried about everything – everything and it made us want to get away from her” – I know. I’m getting better at relaxing and just enjoying life, although part of me will always worry.

    @ Ruth: “Ok, enough of this because it’s almost bedtime.” – Ha. You’re smarter than I am. I worry about dying too. We both worry too much.

    @ Bamboo Forest: I love your advice. You are so right. I guess there’s a part of me that finds it hard to accept that the present is so good – a part that tries to prevent me from fully enjoying the moment, almost like it was a sin to be so happy and there must be a price to pay at some point.

34. Mia responds:
    Posted: February 4th, 2009 at 9:44 pm →

    Everything that you touched on hits it right on. As your heart was pounding with anxiety over the coming years, mine was as well. You said what I refuse to acknowledge as of yet. For me, I’m not ready to even think about it. I can talk about it in abstract, but to lay awake in the still of the night and contemplate the years ahead, would send me into an absolute panic.

    In many ways, I wish I could freeze them where they are now. Even with the difficulties we experience daily, I want them this way forever. I can’t imagine my life without them. I can’t imagine how I’d fill my time with anything as worthwhile as kissing their tiny faces, throwing them in the air with a “whheeee”, or chasing them around the house enjoying their hysterical laughter.

    I can not will myself to imagine those years to come….I have to move on now or I’m sure to start panicking!

35. Dominique responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 1:13 am →

    I have mixed feelings towards the future with the current economic crisis. There is always a sense of being uncertain of things to come, kids growing up etc. However I feel that with a plan which your family can work towards to and putting in place your WILL etc has helped me remove part of this uncertaincy.

36. SereneJourney responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 7:37 am →

    “This too shall pass”.

    It’s a statement that’s relevant in the bad times and the good. During bad times, you use it to hang in there because those times will eventually pass. During the good times, you use it to really be present and enjoy every moment because they will also naturally come to an end.

    All a part of life!

    Cheers,
    Gwynn

37. Pam aka Dixienpixie responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 9:18 am →

    I followed your link over from Zen Habits. What a wonderful parenting voice that all parents should identify with on one level or another! I am a recovering worryaholic. It has been 3 minutes since I’ve worried about something. That being said, I can live in the moment. I can plan for the future. Worrying does not change anything for the better; it’s just makes my perspective much worse! I love my kids (3 girls: 7, 4 and 18 mos.)!
    Our family life is still very early in its stages; however, I remember being an older kid and how my mother’s worrying and guilty attitude about life permeated our family life and set the tone. I fled my parents as soon as I could move out. My mom is now in therapy and, for the first time, worrying less and enjoying more! She has become a confidant and stable force in my life.
    It’s easy to say, “Stay in the moment.” Sleepless nights bring out our emotional extremes: bliss and paralyzing fear! We all have those moments. Thanks for starting the discussion!

38. MomGrind responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 12:49 pm →

    @ Mia: I’m trying to tell myself that just as it’s been getting better and better up until now, it will keep getting better, because it’s so wonderful to be able to have conversations with them now, and the older they get, the deeper our conversation will get. I still worry a lot about the teen years.

    @ Dominique: The current economic crises is scary, but this is one area where I’m confident things will get better. We just need to survive the next couple of years.

    @ SereneJourney: It’s true – it’s just part of life and acceptance is probably the best way to cope.

    @ Pam aka Dixienpixie: Hi Pam, “my mother’s worrying and guilty attitude about life permeated our family life and set the tone. I fled my parents as soon as I could move out.” – this is my biggest motivation for relaxing, worrying less and enjoying more. It’s no coincidence I worry at night: I don’t let these emotions come to the surface during the day. But I hope to be able to stop worrying altogether – night or day. It feels good to talk about it!

39. Maya responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 1:07 pm →

    Thank you Vered, for such a a beautiful account of your life – perhaps the first one I have read where you have touched so much on your own life …. Simply beautiful!

    Your husband is such a wonderful man. Congratulations on such a beautiful relationship in your life. He must love you a lot

    With so much beauty in life, I guess it is hard to not be afraid – but I try to live as much as possible in the present. Think about the wonderful times when your kids will move away and find life partners just like you did …. the beauty in your life will only grow, Vered. I know that and I will always wish that for you.

    Thank you for this post. You surprised me

40. Dot responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 1:46 pm →

    I never had children, but I still know how you feel. The child part of their lives just doesn’t stick around very long. I used to feel my love for my dogs (although I never felt I’d die for them), knowing that in a few short years they’d grow old and die. And I tried to savor every moment. They did grow old and die (thankfully, they lived long lives), and it hurt as much as I thought it would, and I still wish I could have savored, and saved, more of them. It’s tough sometimes, being human and having the gift of a view into the future.

41. Mark responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 2:17 pm →

    Thank you for sharing Vered. Wonderful!

42. Link Love - 10 valuable posts | Tomasz Gorecki responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 2:28 pm →

    [...] Sleepless – do you sometimes think of the future, or wish you could just freeze your current moment to experience more of it? [...]

43. Leslie responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm →

    This was a really, really lovely post.
    I tend to feel intent and hopeful regarding the future. I have plans that I think I can see to fruition, but because I’m not sure how to do it, there’s so much I don’t know and can’t plan for! But I do always believe that the future is on its way, which is awfully simple but can be reassuring.

44. Julie responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 3:34 pm →

    Vered, your writing on this post is just lovely! I could feel your emotions so clearly…

    Let me preface my remarks by saying I don’t have children, but I can distinctly remember how when my niece was born, I “felt” her. There was an instant bond that was almost palpable. One day, as her mother and I followed behind her, suddenly I was overcome with an incredibly DREADFUL feeling. It was as if my niece had been snatched from beneath our very eyes and the pain was very real. I turned to my sister, who was just then turning to me, and I said that my niece was just SO precious that I had the horrible fear something would happen to her, that the world would never have the chance to see her beautiful light… and my sister said she was just then going to say the exact same thing. We quickly, quite seriously, told each other to NEVER again think of the possibility, but to savor every instant we are able to experience with that precious child.

    When you start to harbor fear, you deprive yourself of the fullness and richness of “now.” You also color your future memories, making them less vibrant and crisp. But the fear, resistance, sadness, melancholy, worry, or discomfort you feel from time to time, now, has value, too. If you try sinking into it, fully feelling it and expressing it emotionally in whatever way you can (sleepless means you’re still resisting it), it is likely to dissipate more quickly, leaving you emptied and ready to embrace all the incredible BEAUTY of the here and now, feeling and loving every moment that much more fully and easily.

    With practice, it really works.

    As you pass through each phase of your childrens’ lives, you’ll also change. Motherhood will evolve to include friendship, and just like with adult friendships, yours with your children will have different faces. They will all be good. Knowing that, it might be easier to pass from one phase to the next.

    You are a wonderful mother. I just know it!

    ~ Julie

45. Julie responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 3:36 pm →

    PS: I forgot to include this link you might find useful: Why Worry

46. Jannie Funster responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 5:41 pm →

    This was so beautiful Vered, you’re fulll of surprises — I thought you didn’t get too personal You’ve made me all teary-eyed.

    I have these exact same thoughts about my little angel growing up and away and the thought of it makes me want to run down to where she is watching TV and give her a never-ending hug.

    I can only hope that as our children age and grow away, as they must, that we move right along with them, parallel in letting them go. Still I dont know, I think it will be hard. But then we will get to move on in our own lives on new planes – and eventually know the joy of grand-children, life and love repeating itself again and again. And all good things in the future!

47. MomGrind responds:
    Posted: February 5th, 2009 at 8:46 pm →

    @ Maya: “the beauty in your life will only grow” – thank you for this comforting thought.

    I surprised myself too.

    @ Dot: “It’s tough sometimes, being human and having the gift of a view into the future.” I agree. I sometimes wonder whether it’s a gift or a curse.

    @ Leslie: “I tend to feel intent and hopeful regarding the future.” Sounds like a great way to handle the unknown!

    @ Julie: “If you try sinking into it, fully feeling it” – I would never have thought to do that. I tend to fight these feelings, which I deem as stupid and negative, and try to ignore them. That’s exactly why they tend to surface at night. Thank you very much for the link – interesting and quite inspiring.

    @ Jannie Funster: “I thought you didn’t get too personal” – yeah, I thought so too.

    “the joy of grand-children, life and love repeating itself again and again” – thank you for
    a comforting thought!

48. David Le Page responds:
    Posted: February 7th, 2009 at 3:35 am →

    A brave post.

    Perhaps there is some reassurance in thinking that the present was once a place of future uncertainty, and that now (hopefully) we are finding at least as much joy as sorrow in it, as you seem to be. Our minds betray us when we cast them too far forward or too far backward in time. Living only in the present is foolish, but living in the past or future is an almost guaranteed source of unhappiness, in my experience. There is at least as much wisdom as cliche in the maxim “seize the day”.

    In some ways, we are born and die each day. We cannot say for certain whom we will wake as tomorrow, but we can be sure that person will be born of who we were today. Measured against all space and time, our lives are tinier than motes of dust, and as fleeting as flowers. (Which makes war, scrabbling bitterly over our attachments, all the more tragic.) Our present is the unutterably distant past for times we cannot imagine. This can either make us feel terribly inconsequential, or remind us that present woes that loom so large will also pass. (Or both!)

    I try to make it a rule (it is difficult to remember sometimes!) to make all my decisions on the basis of hope rather than fear.

    Perhaps the most essential ingredient of happiness is accepting that we will always have to work, struggle and sometimes fight all out for it. There is little joy in what comes lightly.

49. Writer Dad responds:
    Posted: February 7th, 2009 at 2:08 pm →

    Doing anything better than most but not as good as some is a great place to be. I’m sure you are that way with many things. Conversely, I’m sure there are things. That you do better than most, period.

50. MomGrind responds:
    Posted: February 7th, 2009 at 6:23 pm →

    @ David Le Page: “living in the past or future is an almost guaranteed source of unhappiness” – I agree. I also agree that hope is a far better emotion than fear when it comes to planning for the future and making decisions.

    @ Writer Dad: “Doing anything better than most but not as good as some is a great place to be.” True.

51. artiphys (dan miller) responds:
    Posted: February 7th, 2009 at 10:21 pm →

    Before I comment on the substance of your post, let me just say your writing is beautiful. You’ve become very accomplished at making your point concisely, with passion and clarity. It’s quite a gift.

    I think people tend to one of three types: those who live in the past; those who live in the future; and those who live in the present.

    I am a futurist. Whether optimistic or pessimistic, my thoughts are almost always on tomorrow. What will go wrong? What can I do to make things better? How can I live up to my full potential? The only thoughts I have about the past are vague regrets, things I wish I could do over. But I don’t tend to dwell on those, because obviously I can’t do anything about it other than do better next time.

    My ex-wife was strictly stuck in the past. Every relationship in her life was a disappointment, and she constantly focused on how things used to be good but went bad, usually because someone or some situation failed to live up to her expectations. She would go on and on about how so-and-so should have, could have, might have done X Y or Z. I found that to be an extremely depressing way to live (she was definitely clinically depressed much of the time). We were complete opposites in that respect.

    My wife (the new one:) is a “present” — she is in the moment, for better or worse. It’ s hard for her to plan ahead with any consistency, and she doesn’t dwell on past mistakes. It can be frustrating at times (like when you really need a plan), but there’s something very engaging about thinking that way, especially when things are going well. It’s like living your life as one big roller-coaster ride, or downhill slalom. My mother is like that as well. I think it might be the most rewarding way to live your life. Sometimes I have to struggle to remind myself to enjoy today, rather than fret about what I need to do tomorrow.

    -dan

52. Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
    Posted: February 7th, 2009 at 10:49 pm →

    I always used to be a futurist, but not anymore. Right now I am not really sure what I even want for tomorrow. I am all about today. But I know exactly what that fear you describe feels like. In my first few years of motherhood I was often overwhelmed with my depth of feeling for my son. I could never have imagined that one person could so completely become my sun, my moon, my universe. And it terrified me. I have known great loss in my life. My family is without one child, so I know better than some that life not only changes, but is unpredictable and sometimes devastating. As much as I may want to keep Bunny safe, and ensure his world is only full of love, joy and wonder, I cannot guarantee this. I can only love him and guide him and pray that he has a long and wonderful life. So, now I try to see the sun as following him wherever he goes, and I try to relish every second he is here with me, holding my hand, looking to me for answers, and thinking I am all powerful. One day he will know better, as I do.

    Kelly

53. Tess The Bold Life responds:
    Posted: February 8th, 2009 at 6:00 am →

    Vared,
    I was married at 17 and pregnant and am still married to my former boyfriend. (37 years). I understand exactly what you’re saying. Our daughters are 32 (twins), 34, and 36. It was sooo much fun while they were growing up especially during the difficult teen years. Partly because they were girls and I could relate and partly becuase I was so young and had so much energy! We had so much fun. The empty nest stage was very difficult because I was never alone!

    Now my granddaughter is nearly 15 and grandson 12. Mac especially is close to moving on. And I fear losing her. I really won’t but our relationship will change due to her college years etc.

    A new gift in December arrived-a new grandson! So life does move on and you’re right it will never be the same. In some ways even better. Grandchildren are bliss, something you can’t explain to people who don’t experience them.

    Also because you have daughters they will remain involved in your life. My friend who has four boys says it’s true, When they take a wife everything changes and they see her so much less. My duaghters call all the time for help and advice and fun.

    So there you have it. And yes about the worry as well. I like Julie’s advice. I also have a line that helps me when I’m worried,, “I don’t have to make this mean so much.” Lovely post!

54. MomGrind responds:
    Posted: February 8th, 2009 at 11:39 am →

    @ artiphys (dan miller): Thank you so much for what you said about my writing. Ever since I started blogging I’ve been insisting that I’m not really a writer – that blogging to me is about sharing thoughts and ideas and not about quality writing. But I am slowly recognizing the importance of good, clear writing when trying to convey those thoughts and ideas. While my writing in English will never be as good as that of someone whose English is her first language, blogging has definitely made me a better writer. I’m proud of that.

    I love your observations. I can think of several people I know who live in the present, including my husband and my dad. I can also think of others who are “planners” and always look into the future. I am certainly one of them. There’s one person I know who’s stuck in the past. This is certainly the most miserable way to live one’s life.

    I agree that being in the moment is the best way to live – certainly the happiest. I’m not sure if people like us can fundamentally change, although I suspect we can teach ourselves to focus more on today and less on tomorrow.

    @ Kelly: “I try to relish every second he is here with me, holding my hand, looking to me for answers, and thinking I am all powerful. One day he will know better, as I do.” This was beautiful, Kel. I try to do the same. I don’t think I can ever become someone who’s completely present. I will always look into the future. But I do believe I can teach myself to enjoy the present to the maximum.

    @ Tess: “Grandchildren are bliss, something you can’t explain to people who don’t experience them.” I know, because I see the pure joy my parents are experiencing around my daughters. They often talk about how one enjoys her grandchildren even more than one enjoys her own children.

55. Madeleine Fitzpatrick responds:
    Posted: February 8th, 2009 at 8:17 pm →

    WOW. I know exactly what you mean – I already feel like I want to freeze the picture, and my daughter is only 16 months old!! My husband, who is 14 years older than me and laughs at my existentialist doom about getting older (I’m 29), has this expression about “riding the river” of life. I’ve had a hard time letting go of things in the past, and he reminds me that you’ve gotta keep moving in order to enjoy the ride. Wanting to freeze the picture is like grabbing on to a rock or some long grass in an attempt to fight the current. You won’t stop the river but if you resist it, you also won’t enjoy the ride.
    Even when our children DO leave home, that isn’t the end of the story. They will be as close to us as they have become over the years they spent growing up under our roof. My husband’s elder daughter is 21 and she texted her daddy recently from a Sydney music festival (we’re in Hong Kong), going “Love you, Daddy! Riding the river with you always!”
    It’s true that life has to change. But there’s so much more cool stuff to see downstream – so just let go!
    PS I also get the heebie jeebies late at night (could be a woman thing ). When that happens, I remind myself that I’ll feel better when the sun comes up.

56. MomGrind responds:
    Posted: February 8th, 2009 at 9:18 pm →

    @ Madeleine Fitzpatrick: Reminding myself that I’ll feel better in the morning IS a great strategy. Your husband sounds like a wise man.

57. MommyNamedApril responds:
    Posted: February 9th, 2009 at 8:19 am →

    I am petrified. I too, have late night anxiety attacks… I don’t ever want them to grow out of their cribs, to be let loose into the school system, or *god forbid* drive!!! Petrified. But, life is marching forward, and it’s better than the alternative, right? Plus, every new stage may bring something terrifying, but it also brings wonderful things too.

58. The One Hundred: A Guide to Pieces Every Happy and Balanced Soul Must Embrace: LETTING GO | think maya responds:
    Posted: February 19th, 2009 at 1:39 pm →

    [...] started thinking about it recently when I read this post on MomGrind. It is a beautiful post about something we all experience – a sense of fear at times of greatest [...]

59. Robin responds:
    Posted: February 19th, 2009 at 9:05 pm →

    Hi Vered – you really are a very good writer. Maybe, as far as the fear goes, it’s something to do with trusting life and where it takes us? – I know trust has been one of the things I have had to work on.
    love, R

60. MomGrind responds:
    Posted: February 26th, 2009 at 10:16 am →

    @ MommyNamedApril: DRIVE! I don’t even want to think about that. Completely agree that “every new stage may bring something terrifying, but it also brings wonderful things too.”

    @ Robin: I’m not a very trusting person… you’re making a good point.

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