Parenthood Has Turned Me Into A Better Person
Comforting my daughter
“Why do people with children act like they’re the first people to ever have to parent in the entire history of mankind?”
The comment was left on the first guest post I wrote for Zen Habits, How To Be A Great Mom.
It was one of those hostile comments, made by non-parents and directed towards parents. I wasn’t exactly surprised. I remember being a non-parent. It wasn’t that long ago. I remember frowning at parents who brought kids with them to a nice restaurant. I remember traveling by air and being livid when a baby would scream the entire flight. I remember thinking to myself that parents often let themselves go, that they don’t look as good as they could, that all they can think and talk about is their kids.
I remember thinking parents are annoying.
Then, in 1999, I became a parent.
Photo credit: maria flying
While I’d like to think that I’m still the exact same person I used to be, that I can have an entire conversation without mentioning my kids even once, that I can still be friends with non-parents, I do know that parenthood changed me. For better and for worse, my life now revolves around my children. And even though I do take care of myself, even though I have my own world and my own things that I like to do by myself and even a couple of very close non-parent friends, my kids are now the most important thing in my life.
So to answer that Zen Habits commenter: Yes, it feels exactly like I am the very first person to ever become a parent. It feels like a HUGE responsibility. And it’s wonderful that it feels this way, because it means I care. It means I desperately want to get it right, to be a good mother to my children.
Writer Dad wrote a few weeks ago, “Becoming a father transformed me.” It’s true. It does. Parenthood changed me in many ways, but the most notable change is that I am no longer as self-absorbed as I used to be. Children have a way of making themselves your first priority, the center of your universe, your very reason for being.
The photo above, which also appears on that Zen Habits guest post, is one of my favorite photos. It was taken 3 years ago, but to me, it still represents what parenthood is all about. We took the kids to the playground that morning. When my daughter fell, she ran to me, crying. I did what mothers do: gave her a warm hug, whispered loving words into her ears, kissed her boo boo, made her feel all better. When she was done crying, she wiped her tears, gave me a bright smile and happily ran back to the play structure.
The image of my little girl holding on to me, loved, safe and protected, is what parenthood is all about. Parenthood is about protecting our children, listening to them, respecting them, dropping everything else in order to be there for them.
Photo credit: lepiaf.geo
During my very first days of blogging, I came across another parent-hating comment on an old Lifehacker post: “My experience is that parents don’t leave [work] on time because they get all their work done, but because they whine, ‘I have to pick Johnny up from daycare by 5:00,’ and the boss gives in. For some reason, ‘I’ve got to meet my friends for drinks’ doesn’t work as well.”
To which I replied: “If the boss is a parent, she relates to having to pick up one’s kids better than to meeting a friend for drinks. Implying that working parents are whiny and don’t work as hard is judgmental and unfair. Many parents leave the office early, pick up their kids, take care of them, and get back to work at night, when the kids are in bed.”
Photo credit: dharmacat
I think parents work harder than anyone else. I think they are often ridden with terrible guilt, the type of guilt that only a parent can experience, whether warranted or not. The guilt that comes from being torn between your children and your job. The guilt that comes whenever you think you’re not putting your kids first.
I think parenthood is beautiful.
I often watch mothers around me, at the play ground, on the street. They seem tired, worried, a bit frazzled. They are carrying toys, bottles, snacks. They breastfeed, trying to nurse discreetly, worried about dirty looks. They give their kids bottles of formula, trying to feed them discreetly, worried about dirty looks.
I see their beautiful faces frowning, troubled. A young mother carries her toddler in her arms. Another carries two water bottles, a toy truck and a blanket, trying to hold on to her small child who is trying to escape. A third mother is sitting next to me on a bench. She skilfully handles two young children while (discreetly) feeding her newborn.
These mothers are selfless. They are looking after their kids and in doing so, they forget about themselves.
Photo credit: dharmacat
It’s not that you can’t be a good person if you’re not a parent, of course. As Suzanne Reisman points out, “Whether you have children or not, one way to help save a life and the entire world is to take action. Sigh a petition, volunteer at a social services agency, or donate money… Some day, I hope to be able to face Yom Hashoah without feeling guilty about not reproducing. I hope whatever work I do over the course of my life to bring about social justice will be good enough to perpetuate our family name instead.”
Needless to say, while many non-parents are incredibly generous and caring, there are plenty of parents who are selfish, irresponsible, even abusive.
But most of us become better persons when we become parents. Our children teach us selflessness, patience and forgiveness. When we learn to forgive them, we learn to forgive others. I only wish we could learn to forgive ourselves.
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Related Reading:
Teaching Kids About Money
Children’s Self Esteem
Activities For Kids
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Mike Goad responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 am →
I don’t know if parenthood made me into a better person. It certainly made me into a different person. It also shaped many decisions that I (we) made.
If we had been childless, I might have made the Navy a career. However, being away from the family for extended periods for 12 more years or so wasn’t right for my family.
If we had been childless, I would have been more likely to quit my job and go somewhere else. However, when we moved here, I made a personal commitment to stay in the same school district so that my kids would not have to put up with the hassle of starting over in a new school any more. Looking back, I’m not sure that it would have been bad to get my liberal (at the time) kids into a school where their views would have been more accepted.
Marriage and parenthood means new and different responsibilities for people other than yourself. That’s good if it makes you better.
Adrenalynn responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 2:04 am →
I agree that it’s made me a better person. Maybe it’s not that way for everyone, like Mike said, but it definitely (as it should) changes you. The whole concept of living for something and someone other than yourself is wonderful and frightening at the same time. Rising to the responsibility of caring for and raising children has been the single most defining thing in my life. It’s truly made me realize what kind of person I want to be, for the sake of my children. I don’t feel like I’ve given up my own desires or future, but I have definitely made different choices than I would have had I not become a mother. But unlike so many other things that have influenced my choices, I feel that having kids has been nothing but positive.
Sure, most days I’m very thankful for bedtime and feel I can’t relax until the kids are asleep at night. And it is stressful and difficult sometimes. You want to be the perfect parent, because that’s what the child deserves, but it can’t be done- and that can result in a lot of guilt and self doubt. But at the end of the day, kids are extremely forgiving. If they feel loved, they’re happy- much like grown-ups. And taking part in something that’s suddenly more important to you than your own life, well-being and desires is so giving!
That said, I am very conscious about not letting my kids be all I live for or talk about. It’s important to me to be my own person and have my own visions for the future, both because I don’t want to wake up 10-20 years from now and feel I’ve missed out on my life and because I think children are better off with parents that take care of their own needs as well as their kids’.
Sorry about the long comment! I just had a lot of thoughts on this subject, I guess!
Daphne responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 2:18 am →
Vered, this was beautiful. I’m not a parent but have always had kids in my life. I’m forwarding this to my sister who has two boys, and have Stumbled the post. I was very touched when reading it.
Tara responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 2:37 am →
That’s so funny Vered. I was interviewed for an online parenting magazine recently and I used the exact same phrase you used in your title.
I also think I am a better person since becoming a mum. I would never ever have thought that before having them because I thought I was kind and compassionate and understanding before then. But it has given me a whole new perspective on life and other people and I am so glad I went down that path.
To the people who bitch and whine about parents (I too suffered them when I worked in the newsroom on a regional newspaper) I really don’t give a rat’s ass (sorry). I don’t moan when people go off on their cigarette break or have an extended lunch because their boyfriend is in town or when someone has to leave early to care for a relative etc etc. Everyone makes their own life choices and I respect that.
And as far as leaving the office ‘on time’ (SUCH a crime!) to pick the children up,I would work my ass off to make sure I got everything done so I could leave on time. I never once left the building knowing someone would have to pick up my slack.
Did someone actually compare picking children up from daycare to going out for a drink with mates?
Evelyn Lim responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 3:36 am →
I definitely think that I have become a better person since becoming a mother. Parenthood has its stresses but through the challenges, I have so learn so much and in the process, grown up. I learn what unconditional love really means. My kids have brought me more joy than I can ever imagine!
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 3:56 am →
Parenthood has definitely made me into a far superior person than I was before for several reasons including:
1.) I am forced to walk the walk I talk. If my kids see me blathering on about ‘do what I say, not what I do’, it sends a pretty weak message. But when they see me live by my words, it affects them dramatically. This carries over to business as well.
2.) I am force to think outside the box. Lings are, ahem, unique. Most people would say ‘weird’. Be that as it may, I have to consciously *understand* from where my admittedly odd children’s ideas are coming…which gives me added insights into why they behave as they do. Again…this carries to business as well.
3.) I can handle anything…anywhere. Parenthood has given me the ability to face horrendous challenges without batting an eyelid (must keep children calm!) as well as the ability to realize…I’m NOT the center of the universe (fancy that!) but merely one of many keepers.
My best early parenthood memory happened when my now teenager was 4 years old in preschool – she introduced me to her teacher as, That’s my mom! She’s teaching me how to read.
I’ll never forget that.
Data points, Barbara
Anonymous responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 4:28 am →
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
…
MizFit responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 4:45 am →
Its weird but I really do NOT think that parenthood changed me that much.
Ive slowed down a tad—but not too much.
could that be because I waited so long? had I had my daughter in my 20s or early 30s I KNOW it would have completely changed me….the wait? I was forced to work on myself anyway
sans child.
Shanel Yang responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 5:59 am →
It’s always gratifying to read about parents who care so much about the awesome responsibility of good parenting. Too many parents seem to not take it seriously enough and use their kids for everything from sympathy to slave labor. I’m 44 and quickly approaching the age when it will no longer be viable for me to become a parent, even if I wanted to. So far, that biological clock hasn’t started ticking. Maybe because I raised my three younger sisters since I was 5 years old myself. I heard that is a common result for that situation. Plus, us four kids were all abused, physically, emotionally, and mentally by both of our parents. I’ve heard that a surprisingly large percentage of survivors of the Holocaust chose not to have kids themselves. Even more surprising because of the strong religious encouragement among the Jewish people to “be fruitful and multiply.” Anyway, for whatever reason, I am content to remain childless, though, as I said, I’m always tremendously heartened to see good people doing their best to be great parents! : )
Sherri (Serene Journey) responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 5:59 am →
Vered, this is beautiful. I love being a mom. It really is the best thing that’s happened to me. I found that no matter how prepared I thought I was for motherhood…nothing can prepare you for motherhood.
It gives you many opportunities to work on your multitasking and organizing skills and gives you a whole new perspective on patience. It also has shown me that I’m capable of loving in a way I never knew existed. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
There are definitely two camps though, those with kids and those without. I’m not saying that one is necessarily better than the other but when you have kids you automatically have something in common with other parents and a lot to talk about. I know we get a few eye rolls from non-parents when we talk about our kids but it doesn’t phase me in the least. Like you say they ARE the center of your Universe and a very important part of your life so why wouldn’t you talk about them? Lovely post!!
Emily@remodelingthislife responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 6:30 am →
So beautifully said, Vered! It does change you, it should change you. When you become a parent, from that moment forward, there is someone that you have to put above yourself. Hungry? Need to pee? Too bad if your kid needs something at the same time. It’s a shift in which we suddenly have someone else who matters more than anything in the world and depends on us for everything they need. A huge responsibility and one that you never realize the magnitude of until the moment that person is placed in your arms. I don’t begrudge people who don’t have kids being annoyed at those of us that do for our shift in priorities and needs in our lives. I think most of us said things about parents around us, rolled our eyes or grumbled about how silly parents were. Then we became that, because we had no idea what parenting meant until we were doing it. Then we knew.
Betsy Wuebker responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 7:21 am →
Vered, this was stunningly beautiful – your best ever! Print and keep for your darling children.
I’d add one thing. You say when we learn to forgive them, we learn to forgive others. Mine taught me to forgive by their example. When Robin was tiny and just talking, I used a teachable moment to admit a mistake I’d made that inconvenienced us. The little cherub responded, “That’s okay, Mommy, when we get home we’ll just erase your mistake.” Would that we could just erase our all our mistakes and move on, eh?
Thanks for this. Just lovely.
Jelveh responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 7:39 am →
I must admit that at one point, when I was much younger I too thought “wow give it a rest already, its just a baby, everyone has them” in response to a friend of a friend who are going on and on about their little girl…
years later when my sister & brother had their kids, it all changed for me too, I love these kids and wish to have one of my own soon, as we have been trying for a while and my age wont hold up much longer or I am told anyway…
I admire how my sister takes care of her kids, I wonder how she can do all of that and have another job 3 days a week besides being a parent…but she does it and does it well…I still make the off hand comment to my husband once in a while, “did you here what that lady said to her kid?” or “wow why did they bring a loud kid to this place” but I pull myself back quickly knowing that these parents are doing a very hard job and perhaps they don’t always make the best choices in where to take the kids and what to say to them when, but at least they are trying, and who am i to judge, I am not even sure if I can handle half of what a working mom does, let it alone do it all like my sister…
so good on you and thank you for being a good parent, we need more of you out there…I wonder at times what will happen to me, to us as a couple when we have a child…hope I can say I am a better person for it…I know my sister was a great person to began with and the love of her kids makes her even more so….
Jelveh
Peace
Dr. J responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 7:41 am →
Absolutely beautiful, Vered!!
Loved the opening picture, then the whole voyage, thank you!
Not the first person in “mankind’s” history, just the first person in one “mankind’s” history
Don Mills Diva responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 7:57 am →
If you are doing it right it turns you into a better person.
It absolutely transforms you. There is no way you can fully absorb the fact that your life and your happiness is out of your control until it happens. I also don’t think you can fully grasp the enormous investment of effort, grueling effort – physically and emotionally – that you will expend day and day out. It’s not something you can explain to a childless person – I don’t just feel like a different person since my son was born – I feel like a different species and I can’t help but wonder if I’m the first person to feel this way (am I the first person to ever really parent!?!!) because it’s so transformaional it’s difficult to imagine that it happens to everyone.
But of course it does.
Tracy responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 8:25 am →
I’m going to have to think about this one a bit. I first became a parent a few weeks after my 21st birthday so it seems like my entire adult life has been as a parent. Maybe this is self indulgent, but I don’t really remember what sort of person I was before I had my son, I was still figuring that out.
That said, I don’t regret having him at all and while I would recommend to anyone they wait longer than I did, it certainly was not an insurmountable burden. Thinking back I think it did stunt certain areas of self growth because almost all of my energy had to go into raising him. I was more responsible, less self centered, etc but I don’t think I became a well balanced person until recently.
Just rambling on here, this is giving me much food for thought.
Writer Dad responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 8:37 am →
Hi Vered,
True that, soul sister. I’ve always been a happy down to earth generous guy, but having kids added an exponent to my personality and muted many of my lesser qualities. Once you have children, you have a choice: either be a better person or deteriorate as a human being. There is no middling, for to stagnate in growth when you child needs it is a detritus of the soul. Those jokers looking forward to gin and juice at the 5:00 bell are looking forward to the curtains on their day closing – not us. For us, our work day is just getting started and we’ll be lucky to be able to turn to our partner at the end of a day that somehow seemed to carry an extra set of hours for a barely lucid conversation. Parenting is unrelenting labor for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. As my wife frequently says, “It is the hardest job I’ll ever love.”
Fantastic post, Vered.
Alik Levin | PracticeThis.com responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 8:43 am →
Vered,
Very touching!
Parenting turned me into just a person from workaholic machine….
Cath Lawson responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 8:43 am →
Hi Vered – Becoming a parent definitely changes most people and probably for the better. I too get narked when non-parents make rude assumptions and comments about parents. When I was a Rainbow franchisee, I was a single parent for a while and I was victimized for that and also for being a woman.
One guy – who didn’t have any kids (probably, because he was far too fat to even manage to have sex) actually told me that he thought I should give up my business because I couldn’t possibly manage with two children. I was livid. My business never suffered because of my children. I put in far more hours than the male franchisees I knew. Many of them worked around school hours but I never did.
And don’t get me started about folk who complain about kids in hotels, restaurants etc. In my experience, rude, poorly behaved adults always seem to cause more problems in those venues than children do.
Memarie Lane responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 8:46 am →
Becoming a parent gave my life a sense of purpose and motivation I’d lacked before. Employers like parents because they know we will be committed to our jobs beyond ambition, we have a strong sense of responsibility to our families and cannot let them down by losing our source of income.
Before I had kids I complained about that myself. I had a co-worker who was a single mother, and because of that status I was always stuck with the night shift. It seemed so unfair. But now I realize that she was a valuable employee who would have left if she’d been forced to take a shift that would deny her time with her son.
I’ve also found that parenthood has changed the way I read. I just re-read The Virgin Blue by Tracy Chevalier. The first time I read it, pre-kids, I thought it was good but it didn’t really touch me. Now I have a different sensibility, and the book kept me up the night I finished it.
Jannie Funster responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 9:41 am →
I too was one of those eye-rollers at airplane screaming babies and messy messy restaurant toddlers. Boy did I get to understand that firsthand.
Parenthood has made me a much more joyful person. Now I understand those loving looks on the faces of old ladies towards babies or kids they do not know. Children are a wonderful trip.
And I get to redeem and heal the flaws in my own childhood through the way I’m raising my child. How great is that?!
P.S. Your red lipstick looks beautiful on you, wish I had the coloring to pull that off.
Michelle @ What Does Your Body Good? responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 10:09 am →
Way to make my biological clock tick faster! My husband and I are both really looking forward to starting a family one day…sooner than later if it were up to him. Thanks for the inspirational post
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 10:24 am →
@ Mike Goad: I agree that parenthood shapes our decisions. If I didn’t have kids, I would want to travel – spend 2-3 years in Europe, in Japan, in Australia. I won’t do this because I think it will be too hard on my kids.
@ Adrenalynn: “children are better off with parents that take care of their own needs as well as their kids’” – I completely agree. Please don’t apologize for a long comment – I loved it!
@ Daphne: Thank you for the Stumble! I hope your sister enjoys this post.
@ Tara: “Did someone actually compare picking children up from daycare to going out for a drink with mates?” – sadly, yes. I’m sure many young non-parents feel resentful at what they perceive as “having it easy” at the office because you’re a parent.
@ Evelyn Lim: Parenthood does teach you the true meaning of “unconditional love.”
@ Barbara Ling: “I am forced to walk the walk I talk” – so true. When you know your kids are intently watching you and learning from you, you become more conscious of your choices.
@ MizFit: It does make sense. I had my first when I was 28 and it had a HUGE impact.
@ Shanel Yang: I didn’t realize you were abused as a child. I am so sorry. I know you were able to heal yourself, you are obviously a happy and content person, but my heart goes out to the young Shanel.
@ Sherri: “It also has shown me that I’m capable of loving in a way I never knew existed.” True. It’s love that is so powerful, it almost scares me.
@ Emily: Yup, I did my fair share of eye rolling before I had kids.
@ Betsy Wuebker: What a cute story. Since I’m a perfectionist by nature, and both my kids are too, I make it a point to highlight my mistakes so that they see everyone makes mistakes and that perfectionism is NOT what we aspire to.
@ Jelveh: I hope you become a parent soon. You are obviously a kind and generous person – you will be a wonderful mom.
Parenthood is hard on couples. The baby and toddler years often shift the focus from maintaining the relationship to raising the kids. But if the relationship is strong, it can survive those years, and once the kids are a little older, you can go back to focusing on each other.
@ Dr. J: “Not the first person in “mankind’s” history, just the first person in one “mankind’s” history” – EXACTLY.
@ Don Mills Diva: “I also don’t think you can fully grasp the enormous investment of effort, grueling effort – physically and emotionally – that you will expend day and day out.” So true. It’s not something you can grasp, or explain.
@ Tracy: Your perspective is very interesting because it’s the perspective of someone who became a parent at a very young age. Reading your words, I’m thinking that there’s certainly one big advantage to becoming a parent at a very young age – the sense of loss of self, the mourning over your previous life, isn’t there.
@ Writer Dad: “Parenting is unrelenting labor for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” It is. And as Don Mills Diva said, there’s no way you can explain this to a non-parent.
@ Alik Levin: Being a workaholic is not a way to live one’s life. I’m glad your kids helped you put things into perspective.
@ Cath Lawson: “My business never suffered because of my children. I put in far more hours than the male franchisees I knew.” When people assume you work less, or are not as good, because you’re a parent, it’s judgmental and completely unfair.
@ Memarie Lane: “Employers like parents because they know we will be committed to our jobs beyond ambition” – it’s true for many employers, but unfortunately there are also many employers who discriminate against parents and who are very family-unfriendly.
@ Jannie Funster: I was totally indifferent to other people’s kids until I had my own kids. Now I adore kids in all shapes, sizes and ages.
Re the red lipstick, thank you! Being able to pull it off definitely depends on one’s natural coloring. A pink lipstick looks ridiculous on me, by the way, and no lipstick makes me look anemic.
@ Michelle: I was 28 when I had my first. I was very ready. I think it’s important to feel ready before you do it. I’m sure you’ll know when the time is right.
RC Rambling... responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 10:26 am →
“I think parents work harder than anyone else. I think they are often ridden with terrible guilt, the type of guilt that only a parent can experience, whether warranted or not. The guilt that comes from being torn between your children and your job. The guilt that comes whenever you think you’re not putting your kids first.”
I think this statement sums it up perfectly, as I mentioned how different my life is from what I originally expected, in a recent blog post.
Part of me would love to be a full-time SAHM, another part of me knows that I wouldn’t feel emotionally healthy if I did that. Talk about guilt. First I have to feel guilty that we can’t afford to have me stay home full-time (even part-time), so maybe we shouldn’t have had a kid, if you follow the thinking of some articles I’ve read, which bash situations where both parents are in the workplace. Then, I have to feel guilty for admitting that work supplies me with some sense of fulfillment and balance, and I feel it allows me to be a better mom. Yes, I just admitted that being with my son 24/7 on a regular basis might not be a healthy choice for me, so again, maybe I shouldn’t have chosen to become a mom.
When I do take time off, to be with my son (be it because he is sick, or we just took the day off for other reasons), I feel guilty for neglecting work – especially when I see childless colleagues (or colleagues with older children) climbing the corporate ladder at a rapid pace. Then I feel guilty for worrying about such things when I have the most precious gift I have ever been given reaching for my hand and saying, “Mommy, hold hand, come here.”
Guilt is a constant, but I’ll take it as a small side-effect for the positive changes in my life since becoming a parent. And I’m glad I’ve left the parent-bashing world (yes, I did a bit of it prior to becoming a parent), to be part of the parent world.
Oh, and I love that picture of you and your daughter – I know those moments too well, and they are the ones I hold close to my heart. My child, despite the juggling act and guilt I face, knows he is loved and feels secure. When you have those moments, it confirms that maybe, just maybe, you are doing a decent job in this role of being a parent.
p.s. I’m still trying to determine if I received more grief from the rest of the world when I breastfed, or when we had to switch to formula due to the allergy situation. Everyone had an opinion the entire time.
cindy platt responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 am →
Your ideas are spot on, top drawer, and awesome and 1. I have had many titles in my life and called many things, but being called Mom for the past 7 years, is hands down the most life changing moment of my life. Not everyone is cut out for the job. However, if you do it with all your heart and endure the white knuckling moments while being mindful, disciplined, consistent, loving and honorable, the great devotion to family and life brings enlightenment that only great enthusiasts will experience. To the childless public, a twinge of this great feeling can be acquired by going to your local library or public school and volunteer read or listen to a child read. Thank you for a post that satisfied.
Dot responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am →
Parenting is a sacred responsibility. I would have enjoyed having that opportunity, but it’s probably best that it didn’t work out, because the genetic burden passed on in my family is a heavy one.
Natural responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 12:32 pm →
just because you can make a baby doesn’t mean you should be a parent. everyone was not meant to be a parent and some are not prepared for the job. parenthood is great and it’s a lot of work. sometimes i do thank my daughter in my heart for making me a better teacher. she teaches me a lot about myself and my capabilities.
yes there is some guilt, with working, but everyone does what’s best for their family, people should not judge and just mind their business.
Hayden Tompkins responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 pm →
The only thing that bugs me about parenting (and I say this as someone who is planning to have children next year, but has none yet) is how LITTLE people prepare for it. Everyone is all about the pregnancy or the babies which – let’s face it – is probably because babies are freaking adorable; however, preparation for the actual “parenting”?
Slim-to-none.
People sort of think – like with marriage and relationships – that as long as you love enough, everything will be sunshine and roses. Yeah, NO. As a child of an abusive parent I can promise you that nobody thinks they are a bad parent. We expect (and often believe) that we will be awesome parents just because.
Much of my…distaste…for parents in public is watching bad parenting in action. Screaming babies on a plane are no problem if you have an mp3 player. Children who run rampant through a restaurant instead of staying put in their booster seat? Problem. (If the waitress trips over someone’s child because they are a) in the aisle and b) low to the ground and c) unsupervised and happens to spill scalding hot soup on them…or something…most parents respond with a lawsuit instead of feeling bad that they weren’t doing their job.)
Thankfully, there are MANY parents who do get it right. Unfortunately, the one’s who don’t ruin it for everybody else. The only people who go through any kind of rigorous training and education are foster parents and adoptive parents. (Even then it can be a crapshoot, though my foster parents were SAINTS.)
Lori responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm →
Hi Vered,
This post really touched me. I spent many years working with children, and I remember the profound effect it had on my state of being. Not only did I feel less self-involved when I was caring for kids; I also felt more connected to that child like part of myself. Sitting on a playground, playing with sand, listening to a little girl hum a song without concern for who hears–I don’t think I’ve ever felt so free. As for me becoming a parent, I’ve heard you need a man for that. Trying to get that part down!
Thanks for the beautiful words and photos.
~Lori
Bamboo Forest - PunIntended responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm →
“I remember frowning at parents who brought kids with them to a nice restaurant.”
I think we as people tend to do this about all sorts of things. For example, ever been at a red light, and when it turned green the car in front of you delayed to move for a few moments because the driver was busy looking for some papers?
I myself have gotten annoyed when this has happened. But then I have to remind myself that I myself have done the very same thing.
Beth Partin responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 2:17 pm →
That was an interesting quote from Suzanne Reisman. I’m not a parent, and I’ve never felt guilty about it. I never wanted it enough to make all the sacrifices required. But I DO wonder why I didn’t want it, given that something like 80 percent of people have kids.
Corey - Simple Marriage responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm →
I’ve found that parenting, similar to marriage, is one of the great ways for us to grow up as people. Kids continually force parents to challenge themselves and their parenting skill-set. As soon as you think you’ve got it all figured out, something new will come along to change things up. And as much as people think they are fine with change, it seems many really aren’t. Change forces us to adapt and grow.
I love parenting… not only for the time I get with my children, but also for the lessons it’s taught me about being a better person, for them, for my wife, for myself.
Becky responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm →
I don’t have anything wise to add, but I wanted to let you know what a lovely post this is.
Giovanna Garcia responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 2:58 pm →
Hi Vered
I am a mother of my 13 months old. Life was great before my little boy; my husband and I was happily married for 13 years already. We thought life was complete and it was as far as we knew. Then when my little one came along, we learn more to life than we knew. Life was great before my son, and life is fantastic now. I love my son and he is the apple of my eyes. Before I was a mother I didn’t understand, but now that I am a mother I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Thank you for this wonderful post.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Patricia responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm →
I did not want to be married or have children – ever. Then 33 years ago my Father was dying and he asked me to get married and have children. This was the 4th thing he had ever requested I do. I married a man he picked out for me and 6 months before my father died my first daughter was born. My father just loved her and my husband so much.
When I decided to have a child, I turned my entire life around and said I will be a good parent and I will be a different parent than my parents. I have parented and been a great wife with 85% of my whole being – I worked for 10% of my time and I kept myself going for 5% of the time….I will say in hindsight this was not enough…I am an awesome mom and an amazing wife…..I am an awesome and hopefully inspiring woman – I was on the right path for me and I made a difference. I am getting to be the best person I can be – and that feels right.
to Hayden’s comment above I will just say that after officiating hundreds of weddings, I have only encountered one of two couples who have a plan for the marriage or even the day after the honeymoon……some of parenting and some of marriage just grows on you, but planning the marriage and the parenting and learning more would be very helpful. It would cut my counseling business down to nearly nothing….
This is a beautiful piece of writing Vered and such a lovely reflection on you and your family…beautiful picture….the whole piece just glows
Thank you for this gift.
Juliet - LifeMadeGreat responds:
Posted: March 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 pm →
Hi Vered
I mean this in all sincerity. I have not been reading your blog for a long time, but from your writings that I have seen on parenthood, I admire you. I could go on, but perhaps enough said
Juliet
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 1:58 am →
Hi Vered – It’s hard to add to your already beautifully written post, but I will say you speak for many women. The love you have for your children is woven throughout your words. How special it will be for your children to read these words one day and realize how deep your love for them truly is.
You’re an awesome mom, Vered, and a great mentor for many.
Dominique responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 2:07 am →
Vered,
what a sweet picture of you and your daugther:) I agree that parenthood has changed my perception on how I view things around me. It has certainly increased my patience and tolerance level. My kids will always be my 1st priority irregardless of how many more commitments I need to pile up on the already very full platter.
Suzie responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 7:29 am →
I love the photo. It is so true parenting is all encompaing amazing and overwelming. It hard to uderstand if you dont have them and just saying that sounds rude. But its true.
The Lawyer Mom responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 9:30 am →
Becoming a mom certainly transformed me. But I was wholly unprepared for the overwhelming vulnerability it has brought; it’s terrifying. Until he arrived, I could never imagine how much this child would mean to me, how devastated I would be if he got hurt.
Wonderful post. You put a lump in my throat.
Don Mills Diva responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 9:33 am →
Just wanted to let you know that I quoted and referenced this piece in my latest post…hope you don’t mind…
Lisa responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 10:21 am →
Vered – what a wonderful post. I’d be interested in hearing more of your thoughts on the guilt factor moms go through. Breast feeding and not breast feeding, working and not working, day care and stay at home care – almost every single major choice we make for our children warrants guilt in some way or another by some person or ourselves. Parenting has definitely made me into a very different person. Many of the things I valued prior to having children seem so shallow and vain now that I have these beautiful little lives entrusted to me. I would hope that all parents feel this change in their own lives.
Kikolani | Blogging, Poetry, Photography responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 10:42 am →
What the person on the old Lifehacker post said is absurd – comparing picking up a child who cannot get home on their own and will likely cost their parent if they have to stay later to meeting people who are perfectly capable of getting around themselves and waiting a few extra minutes at a bar. I think that it’s not so much that parents think they are the first ones to hold that title – it is that the first time one does become something so dramatically different from the person who they were before, there is excitement and fear and many other thoughts and emotions that are just bursting to be shared with others. Nothing wrong with that, coming from a non-parent.
~ Kristi
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 11:04 am →
I don’t like the guilt parents give other parents for the choices they make – breastfeeding vs nursing, working vs staying at home. It’s hard enough. I even had someone tell me I was selfish because I only wanted one child. Especially ironic coming from a man …
But I don’t think being a parent has changed me that much. I love her tons and I worry about her and I feel I need to be more responsible but I am still selfish and annoyed by the things that used to bother me before. Actually I don’t notice annoying kids as much as I did before – I’m able to tune it out now. Maybe it’s me but I haven’t found to be such a life changing experience.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 12:01 pm →
@ RC Rambling: Guilt seems to be a huge part of being a parent. Especially for mothers. Some day I will find a way to shake it off.
@ cindy platt: I completely agree that working or volunteering with children is a great way to experience the gift that a small child can bring into an adult’s life.
@ Dot: “the genetic burden passed on in my family is a heavy one.” I had a friend back in college – both his parents were deaf. His hearing was normal. I had another friend whose dad was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Both of them ended up having kids, but both suffered a great deal of anxiety and guilt around making the decision to have kids.
@ Natural: I wish people stopped judging other people. I don’t think it will ever happen, though.
@ Hayden Tompkins: I am very sorry about your childhood. I had no idea you were abused. I’m glad your foster parents did a good job – as you say, that’s not always the case.
I agree – it’s strange that we must learn reading and math, but there are no relationship or parenting classes. Many people think these should be mandatory, but I don’t really see it happening.
@ Lori: You said it so well. Being with children frees you. “As for me becoming a parent, I’ve heard you need a man for that. Trying to get that part down!” – good luck! There are good man out there, you just need to find yours.
@ Bamboo Forest: Your example is a good one. I’d like to ass that needless to say, I never took my kids to a “nice” restaurant when they were very young (especially toddlers). Now that they’re at a very manageable 7 and 9, we take them, and make sure we bring books for them.
@ Beth Partin: I think there’s a strong primal instinct that makes people want to procreate. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not having kids – in fact, if you don’t want to have kids but have them just because “everyone does,” that’s a big problem. I think it’s great that you know what you want out of life and act accordingly, without giving in to societal norms or pressures.
@ Corey: I agree! Parents often say that they don’t just teach their kids – they also learn from them. I find this to be very true.
@ Becky: Glad you enjoyed it!
@ Giovanna Garcia: “Life was great before my son, and life is fantastic now.” – this is exactly how I feel about life before and after having kids.
@ Patricia: You ARE an amazing woman, and after reading your blog for a few months now I also know you are a wonderful mother and wife. Your family is very lucky to have you.
@ Juliet: THANK YOU!
@ Barbara Swafford: Thank you so much. I hope my children do enjoy reading these articles later on, when they’re done with their little teen rebellion.
@ Dominique: Parenthood definitely teaches you patience. I am still not the most patient person in the world, but I am so much more patient than I was before I became a parent.
@ Suzie: I was going back and forth on whether to publish this post, because I was worried about alienating non-parents. But it was written from the heart and needed to be said.
@ The Lawyer Mom: “overwhelming vulnerability”. So true. I’m more scared than I’ve ever been, and the more blessed I feel we are, the more scared I become!
@ Don Mills Diva: Of course I don’t mind! I’m glad I inspired a post and I LOVED reading your thoughts on the subject.
@ Lisa: Guilt seems to be a huge part of being a mom. I’m not sure why. I might write a post on it!
@ Kikolani: I think it’s very difficult for a non-parent, especially someone very young who never spends time with kids, to understand.
@ Kim Woodbridge: I think it’s fine to feel that you’re still the same person – in many respects, I’m the same person too. I think the major change is tat they are now more important than I am, when in the past I was the center of my little world.
Chantal responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 12:38 pm →
DMD sent me this way and I have to say I needed to read this post today. Not to remind me that parenting has changed me. I know it has, I feel it every minute of ever day. But today I have been in the grips of a deep guilt about being a working mom. My boy has had a hard time going to day care the last few weeks and I just wish I could turn around and say “OK lets go home”. I need to work, I know I do. But sometimes it hurts. And I think I need to cut myself some slack. Thanks.
Elliott - 21st Century Dad responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 12:44 pm →
One of the most profound changes I experienced was being able to let go of any regrets in life. It’s very liberating, and probably what has allowed me to step up.
All my choices for better and for worse, up to my child’s conception brought me to that point in life. There is no doubt I would have a child, but if I had done anything differently, I would not have the child I can hold in my arms and love today, tomorrow, and forever.
Unfortunate life circumstances have caused a split with the mother of my child. Now they are 900 miles away. It’s ironic that not having the daily responsibilities of parenting is actually the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Lance responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 1:27 pm →
Hi Vered,
What a wonderful post! While kids don’t necessarily make a person better, they definitely change a person. What love means – this changes. Well…it did for me. Unconditional love took on a whole new meaning. And this is to take nothing away from those who do not have children because I really believe we all can experience this. Having children made this easier for me. Made it real for me…
Marelisa responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 1:28 pm →
Hi Vered: I`ve heard a lot of people say that parenthood has turned them into better people. I think it’s about wanting to do right by your children and wanting them to be proud of you. The photographs in this post are beautiful.
Mark Salinas responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 4:21 pm →
Without a doubt the challenges that come with parenting have expanded my comfort zone tremendously. It started from the beginning with my oldest. She was a colicky baby and didn’t have the same sleep schedule that we would have preferred. Along with the challenge of functioning on minimal hours of sleep she also had ear infections that caused feveral seizures. If you have ever witnessed your poor, helpless child experiencing this, it can be very traumatic. After the first episode I told myself I would not allow her to experience this again….I would stand next to the crib and check her temperature constantly to make certain that it was kept in check. I rarely slept for a month resulting in pneumonia. So to answer your question YES! I believe that I have become a better person in many ways! I appreciate health, life and many things that I might take for granted. Sleep to name one! Wonderful post Vered…sorry about the ramble!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 5:48 pm →
@ Chantal: Hi! Nice to “meet” you. You know, I think I need to devote a separate post to guilt. It’s a huge issue. Sometimes I wish I could take the pain away, from other moms, ad from myself.
@ Elliott: “It’s ironic that not having the daily responsibilities of parenting is actually the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” What an interesting perspective. Those daily responsibilities that sometimes feel so HARD. I guess “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” applies here too? I bitch and moan about the daily responsibilities but you are so right – I am very blessed to have them.
@ Lance: “Unconditional love took on a whole new meaning” – this was exactly my experience. And it also made me realize how much my parents love me.
@ Marelisa: “I think it’s about wanting to do right by your children and wanting them to be proud of you.” Very true and this does tend to shape your decisions.
@ Mark Salinas: Ramble? Hardly. This was a beautiful comment. You sacrificed a lot. Thank you so much for sharing your story here.
Robin responds:
Posted: March 4th, 2009 at 7:45 pm →
Hi there Vered
I think that if I was a parent (unlikely as I am 55!), I would immerse myself in it totally and make it my whole life. I really don’t think I would be worrying about what I was missing out on – I would feel I could pick other things up later when the kids grew up. I can say this with certainty, because I have had long periods of my life that lots of people would have looked at and thought I was crackers because nothing much was going on and they would have thought I was missing out – but I knew I would have plenty of time to have the life I wanted.
I really do think that we all gravitate towards the experiences we need for growth – so some people might become parents to “become a better person”, while others have other experiences that bring that.
I also think that we carry a certain amount of guilt around, and different experiences bring it to our attention. I think guilt is bullshit, and we can clear that feeling out. But it is not the thing that stimulated the feeling that caused the guilt – it was already there and the experience brought it out. Lots of things can do that, whether or not people have kids.
MommyNamedApril responds:
Posted: March 5th, 2009 at 5:57 am →
I think in most ways parenting has made me better… but it’s also made me more tired and irritable and less willing to put up with bullshit. So, maybe I’m not so great
Hoping when sleep returns I will be more tolerable.
Jannie Funster responds:
Posted: March 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am →
I am willing to bet your are in the “winter” group for coloring. You no doubt look smashing in royal blue, royal purple, white, black and many other colors that would overpower my “summer” coloring. (I had a “winter” roomate in college. And was lucky enough to find out then my best colors, so I’ve been able to shine in my natural splendor everywhere I go since I was 20.)
btw, that particular “modern art” is just ridiculous, in my opinion. Why not display a big piece of dog doo-doo. gosh.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 5th, 2009 at 2:44 pm →
@ Robin: “I think guilt is bullshit, and we can clear that feeling out.” – a very strong sentence, very true, but not easy to do.
@ MommyNamedApril: I always say that sleep deprivation is the toughest side effect of being a parent.
@ Jannie Funster: Indeed winter! I know what’s good on me, but my daughters seem to have different coloring (same pale skin but hair and eyes are lighter) so I worry that I won’t be able to help them out with deciding what colors look best on them.
That piece of “modern art” was highly disturbing to see.
Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
Posted: March 5th, 2009 at 6:10 pm →
Vered
One of your best posts ever. I agree that becoming a mom has made me a better person, and forced me to work on all sorts of childhood issues I couldn’t see clearly before then. It has also forced me to work much more at taking care of myself and putting my own needs into the mix. I never did this before. I was way too much of a people pleaser, but now I know I need to meet my own needs so I can meet my family’s.
I also think parenting has made me understand my parents so much more, and while I have always been an empathetic person, that has only increased in the past 5 years. I have also become much more conscious of my judgments and any need to think I know best. I try very hard now to stick with what works for me, but to not assume I have the answers for everyone.
So, while I agree that motherhood has changed me and made me in a sense, I don’t think it does everyone. I think you have to LET it change you. Some people just barrel along and keep going about the life, and don’t stop to reflect on what it means to be a parent. These are the people you see who are in the later stages of their lives and they are distant from their families and unfortunately too many of them will die with regrets. I have seen this before and it always strikes me as tragic. Children are the greatest gift – as long as we don’t forget that, a whole wonderful world lies ahead for us. It’s awe inspiring stuff.
Kelly
Mia responds:
Posted: March 5th, 2009 at 8:57 pm →
I very much enjoyed this post. Thought provoking and multi-sided.
I too can recall the pre-parenthood years with the same non-understanding of parenting, children or what it all means. All of my friends are parents at this point in time, the ones I am closest to put their children and their families first. For my family, I just need friends who have the same priorities and understand what it is to go through life in a parenting day. The one friend I had that is not a parent, nor in any kind of long-term relationship, has absolutely NO understanding. She even thinks that having pictures of your children up in your house is weird…like you’re idolizing or worshiping your child. We’re not friends anymore.
As for having my own things, my own life…I’m still working on that part, but my kids are so young that I know I’ll get there in time.
Thanks again for this post!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 6th, 2009 at 9:06 pm →
@ Kelly: “I also think parenting has made me understand my parents so much more” – so true. It made me feel closer to them, it made me realize how much they love me, and it enabled me to forgive them for their mistakes because I realized that I am making mistakes too – all parents do.
@ Mia: Sometimes friendships can’t survive when one of the friends becomes a parent. I think it’s part of life.
Andre Kibbe responds:
Posted: March 6th, 2009 at 9:31 pm →
That opening question sounds like it came from someone threatened by the very idea of having children. Not having children myself, it’s a little embarrassing to comment on “what it must be like,” but it’s humbling to see the sacrifices new parents make in prioritizing their lives around another human being. It would be hard to imagine any new parent not acting as if he or she was the first in the universe to go through that transformation.
This is such an emotionially rich post. Even from the outside looking in, it’s easy to see that parenthood is beautiful.
Stacey / Create a Balance responds:
Posted: March 7th, 2009 at 9:25 am →
Parenthood is teaching me the lessons of patience and is reminding me to enjoy all of the world’s wonders. I love being able to see things for the first time (again) when my children experience something for the first time.
Favorite Finds Of The Week | Serene Journey responds:
Posted: March 8th, 2009 at 10:53 am →
[...] Parenthood Has Turned Me Into A Better Person – MomGrind “’Why do people with children act like they’re the first people to ever have to parent in the entire history of mankind?’The comment was left on the first guest post I wrote for Zen Habits, How To Be A Great Mom. [...]
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: March 10th, 2009 at 12:30 pm →
@Vered – Well, I do let her use the bathroom first when we both are dying to go
Jennifer Ryan @ I Choose Change responds:
Posted: March 10th, 2009 at 8:31 pm →
Vered, I see you posting on all the blogs I read, but for some reason, this is the first time I’ve hopped over to your blog. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, but so glad I was introduced with this post.
As an unexpected mom just 2.5 years ago, I became ANGRY because I didn’t want my life to be disrupted. I wasn’t motherly and I generally found kids to be annoying. (Oh yes, all of this coming from a Psychotherapist and Parent Coach, mind you!) I must admit, there was a small part of me wanting to “practice what I preached” when I did finally have kids, but I could have done without that forever… or so I thought…
When I found out my one baby was actually TWO, I was double angry. But the day they arrived – pure bliss. My life was, is, and always will be completely transformed. Your words expressed parenting *perfectly* for those like me — who are crazy in love with their kids! Thanks, Vered! I’m connected (and subscribing!)
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 18th, 2009 at 9:46 am →
@ Andre Kibbe: “It would be hard to imagine any new parent not acting as if he or she was the first in the universe to go through that transformation.” Exactly.
@ Stacey: I agree – experiencing the wonders of the world all over again is one of the best things about parenting.
@ Kim Woodbridge: Haha SEE? Motherhood did change you.
@ Jennifer Ryan: Glad we’re finally talking!
It’s amazing how parenting transforms you, and it’s amazing how even the most reluctant person melts and falls in love with their baby once she is born.
Twins, wow, you must be BUSY.
Patient Parenting: Five Tried And Tested Tips | responds:
Posted: May 12th, 2009 at 1:25 pm →
[...] Reading: Worst Mom Ever 20 Ways To Help Your Child Develop A Positive Self Image Parenthood Has Turned Me Into A Better Person Watching My [...]
Just Make It Better » Questioning Our Procreation responds:
Posted: August 16th, 2009 at 11:00 am →
[...] can’t be done if all of our individual strengths are given to making and raising babies. The perfect parent doesn’t exist, only better, more equipped ones do. Parenthood is serious business, beautiful [...]