Stay At Home Mom? Protect Yourself Financially
I was a stay at home mom for six years. Prior to that, I worked as a divorce attorney. No one knows better than a former divorce attorney that any marriage, any relationship, can fall apart.
Regardless of how great things are for you and your husband or partner, if you don’t have an income, you should make sure you are protected in case something happens to your partner or to your relationship.
While this article handles traditional relationships where the husband is the breadwinner and the wife stays home, many of the points raised here apply to stay at home dads and to gay relationship. You can find specific advice for gay relationships here.
Don’t Underestimate Yourself
My first advice to you is to never allow anyone to imply that you “sit home and do nothing all day” (as a so-called friend of mine once implied). You are doing plenty around the house and with the kids, and your contribution is actually worth a lot of money. A recent survey shows that the average stay at home mom has a 94-hour workweek, and that in 2008, a full-time mother’s annual salary would come in at $116,805, if her work as a housekeeper, teacher, driver and psychologist was paid on the open market.
Sign a Fair Prenuptial Agreement
If you are asked to sign a prenuptial agreement, get a lawyer. Don’t sign anything that waives your right to spousal support or future spouse rights in the event of death or divorce. Make sure the prenup acknowledges your special status as a stay at home mom. For example, many of the agreements I drafted as an attorney stated that after a certain number of years, since the wife gave up those years of her career to raise the kids, the court should take that into consideration when determining her settlement.
The agreement can be very specific and state exact amounts (i.e. the wife gets $100,000 after 5 years of marriage, $500,000 after 10 years etc.) or it can be general and state a general intent to compensate the wife for giving up her career. This type of compensation can be in addition to whatever the wife is entitled to by state law or by being the legal owner of assets.
Plan For Your Retirement
Even if you no longer have a 401(k), you can save for your own retirement using a Spousal IRA. A nonworking spouse can make a deductible IRA contribution of up to $5,000 for 2009, as long as the couple files a joint return, and the working spouse has enough earned income to cover the contribution.
Stay In Touch With The Workforce
Stay up to date by by taking professional classes. Your resume can stay relatively fresh if you include some of the volunteering work you did during your years as a stay at home mom. Keep in touch with former coworkers on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Keep yourself in a place where, if you need to go back to work, you have professional connections to support your move back into the workforce. Many moms start a successful home business which provides extra income and can be a good safety net in case they need to make it on their own.
Have Your Name On EVERYTHING And Full Access To All Your Financial Accounts
Never let your husband be in charge of your accounts, only giving you limited access in the form of a credit card (that can be canceled) or a weekly “allowance.”
In Community Property States (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, Wisconsin) most property acquired during the marriage (except for gifts or inheritances) is owned jointly by both spouses and is divided upon divorce, annulment or death. Joint ownership is automatically presumed by law in the absence of specific evidence that would point to a contrary conclusion for a particular piece of property. The community property system is usually justified by the idea that such joint ownership recognizes the theoretically equal contributions of both spouses to the creation and operation of the family unit.
However, even in Community Property Jurisdictions, it’s always a good idea to have your name on everything you own as a couple, including the house, the cars, and of course bank accounts and investment accounts.
How do you handle your finances? Are both of you in charge or just one of you? Do you feel that you are going to be financially OK if the relationship ends?
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I am an Israeli attorney. I am not licensed to work as an attorney in the United States. The advice given here is of a general nature. Please consult a licensed attorney regarding your specific situation prior to taking any action.
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Dominique responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 am →
I agree that it is important to have your own financial plan even if you are a SAHM. I do not have any pre-nuptial agreement but we did agree on communual savings, financial support for both kids and me if I am home taking care of them full time.
Daphne responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 2:56 am →
Vered,
This are excellent general tips. I like your direct way of saying for example, “if you’re asked to sign a prenuptial agreement, get a lawyer.” And also to have your name on everything. I’m not married and so have always had sole ownership of all my assets. I would find it incredibly scary to be totally dependent on another person and will always want my own source of income, even if I stop work to raise a family in future. Thanks for this good advice.
Lovelyn responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 3:31 am →
This is great advice that everyone should take. You never know what might happen and you always have to be prepared. A friend’s husband died suddenly and they had six kids. She only had a high school diploma and was completely unprepared to enter the workforce. She struggled desperately to keep and support her children.
Tara responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 3:48 am →
I have a friend who is living proof that this kind of advice is invaluable.
She recently divorced her husband of 11 years. They have two children and while she didn’t give up her career entirely, she did scale it right back to bring up their kids – now 7 and 5.
Throughout their married life they had savings, paid for the mortgage, bills etc all together.
Now they have split, anything in his name he intends to keep. Like any couple they had financial agreements like, if I pay into the savings you pay for the food and the children’s clothes etc.
He is really trying to shaft her (forgive the term) and she feels such a fool and like she’s been too trusting.
I wouldn’t mind, but the money he wants was savings for their children’s future!
Miranda responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 5:00 am →
Great post! This advice is so important. You need to be financially prepared — especially if you are a stay at home. I knew a woman whose husband died, and she knew nothing of the finances, or what to do to earn money. Having both names on things is vitally important; it gives a SAHM a right to it later.
Hayden Tompkins responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 5:53 am →
What I find interesting about the I’ll-take-care-of-the-finances-don’t-you-worry-honey dynamic is that, often, the stay-at home spouse can find better deals and alternative, cheaper services than the working spouse. Combine that with a (hopefully) network of other stay-at-home people and you are shorting yourself of a valuable resource.
Of course, if the working spouse wants to manage the money “because it’s my money” then you’re probably in trouble already.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 5:55 am →
@ Dominique: Sounds like a good plan, especially if put in writing.
@ Daphne: “I would find it incredibly scary to be totally dependent on another person” – exactly.
@ Lovelyn: Unfortunately, most women are hurt financially in the case of divorce or their husband’s death.
@ Tara: This happens a lot. And she should fight for it even if it’s for her and not for the kids. She needs to think about her own retirement too.
@ Miranda: “Having both names on things is vitally important” – it is. It’s the most important thing a SAHM can do to protect herself.
@ Hayden Tompkins: “Of course, if the working spouse wants to manage the money “because it’s my money” then you’re probably in trouble already.” – True. That’s why it’s important to discuss money issues before getting married.
Mark Salinas responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 6:00 am →
Fantastic advice! Plan and prepare…have a plan B and C.
Shanel Yang responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 6:05 am →
And if you can’t or don’t want to get married but still want some of the same protections afforded married couples, you should look into some sort of domestic partnership agreement (like a prenup but obviously without the nuptials). Again, consult a lawyer. : )
Maya responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 7:11 am →
Great one Vered.
Taking charge of our own lives and finances is critical – it will be our only cushion if something happens. This article is timed really well of me – although I know my name is on everything and I am keeping in touch with my career, I should “know” more about where things are. Thanks!
Stacey / Create a Balance responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 7:19 am →
I think all women call learn from this post. There is a need for all married women to be actively involved with their money and their financial plans.
Cricket-Tammy responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 7:27 am →
This is some wonderful advice. I can tell you from experience that it is very important to stay on top of things. I let some things slide because of trust and once you do…that is it. It is hard to be in love and question the person that you are with. I know of many cases where a wife demanded this and the husband did not agree so the wives made decisions to keep working out of fear that there husband would do just this.
Any advice to those that are married and have decided to be a SAHM and the husband is refusing to do joint assets. Does a woman have a right during the marriage to demand such a thing even if the husband doesn’t agree? This seems so hard on a woman that doesn’t live in a community property state.
This was some great advice.
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 9:22 am →
This is a great article. I think many women are left unprepared for the financial issues that can arise from death or divorce.
Isn’t it also true that in community property states that debts as well as assets are shared equally? For example, any debt your spouse incurs is also yours whether you knew about it or not…
3 Simple Business Opportunities Review responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm →
[...] Stay At Home Mom? Protect Yourself Financially | [...]
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm →
@ Shanel Yang: Absolutely.
@ Maya: “I should “know” more about where things are” – this is important. In our household I handle finances, and I often worry that my husband will be clueless if something happened to me. I make him review our files once in a while just so he knows, roughly, what accounts we have and where.
@ Stacey: I hope things are better now than they used to be a generation ago. I’m sure there are for most women. But I still see enough families where the husband is in charge of investing and the wife doesn’t know where the money is invested or what her approximate net worth is.
@ Cricket-Tammy: “I know of many cases where a wife demanded this and the husband did not agree” – I would think it’s best not to become involved in the first place with a man who refuses to help his wife protect her financial future. But I know that in many cases, when you get to the point of talking about money, it’s too late.
Regarding your question, if the assets were bought before the marriage, they belong to him. If they are bought during the marriage, by the husband and using money he’s earning from his paid work, I don’t think there’s a way to force him to add the wife to the title. In a Community Property state, half is still hers if they split, but if it’s not a Community Property state, even if she fights in court for a fair settlement, she could end up with almost nothing.
This is why it’s so important to have the “money talk” fairly early in the relationship. Frankly, I can’t imagine myself being with a man who would treat me this way. Fifties moms used to tell their daughters, “it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man.” I tell my daughters, “it’s just as easy to fall in love with a generous and kind man as it is to fall in love with a jerk.”
@ Kim Woodbridge: Correct. In Community Property states, debt acquired during the marriage is owned jointly by both spouses, even if the account is listed exclusively in one spouse’s name, unless there is specific evidence that would point to a contrary conclusion for a particular debt.
Nurit responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 2:06 pm →
Thank you, Vered, for this post.
As always you have good advice.
I live in WA which is great about the community property. As much as I try sometimes I feel numb/dumb when it comes to financial stuff. I can’t seem to have the memory for this sort of information. Darn.
My husband and I worked on our living trusts and wills about a year ago and met with a tax advisor last week. As far as I remember, there are some things you have no control over, even if living in WA (community property state ) and writing all these agreements. Some things the husband can change whenever he wants like his life insurance and 401K?
I called our tax advisor and asked about my IRA. Apparently I cannot contribute this year for my self- employed IRA because I mostly stayed at home with the baby and did make any money this year, and not in a spouse IRA. So it leaves me pretty much stuck and dependant on my husband.
This is one of the major reasons why I feel like I always always must work and being my own person, independent, and make money! The conflict between making a home and spending more time with my young kids versus making money is frustrating. But I choose to work part time and be a mom part time. I plan to make more money this year though… Hope all this works out.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm →
@ Nurit: “Some things the husband can change whenever he wants like his life insurance and 401K?” – true. Same goes for a will – anyone can change their will whenever they want to and hide it from their partner. That’s why I think the most important thing is to have your name on assets such as a home, cars, and all financial accounts.
Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 2:41 pm →
This is such an important article, Vered. When we’re in love and we have a new baby it can be easy to think we only need to consider the immediate cost of staying home. But what we don’t often consider is the many ways we leave ourselves vulnerable should life not go according to plan. I have been home with Bunny for 5 years now and for 2 of those I didn’t earn a cent; just devoted myself to him and motherhood. The past 3 years I have done part time work from home as a freelance writer/editor, but it is very much secondary to mothering and looking after my family. Meaning when my husband’s work keeps him very busy or away, I stop working so my son has the undivided attention of at least one parent. I shudder to think of how depleted my retirement fund is because of this, and when a friend split up from her husband last year it did make me wonder what would happen to me if I was in the same situation. Luckily I have kept my skills up and not been off work entirely, but this year I have been very driven to rectify this situation by working and earning more. And at least I can work from home – what about women whose careers keep them away from the house for long hours? It’s a hard call for them as to what decision to make re children and life balance.
Re. community property, I can’t believe there are states in the USA where if your name is not on the house deed, then effectively you are not the owner of the house even though you’re the wife. Insane! Here in Australia it wouldn’t matter. Whatever you earn or acquire in the years together will be split with the percentage depending on children and custody. Even so, I believe every woman in Australia should have their name on everything that is involved with assets – it makes it clear you’re an equal partner to him and to yourself.
Kelly@SHE-POWER
RC Rambling... responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm →
I’m not a stay-at-home mom and we decided against a pre-nup, even though my Hubby has been married once before – and his ex-spouse did try to take him to the cleaners. (Note the word “try.”) I’ll admit I feel some security in the fact that we have similar incomes (I actually have a higher-earning potential, if I was exploiting my background fully, but I prefer to spend some time at home.), live in a Community Property State, and that we put both of our names on everything.
We are not blind to think that divorce won’t happen, but we have things arranged so that we sincerely would be splitting EVERYTHING in half. And since that wouldn’t benefit either of us (we would both take HUGE financial hits), it means we work extra hard at this marriage thing.
Good advice to both parties contemplating a marriage.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 5:22 pm →
Hi Vered: It amazes me how many women have absolutely no idea what assets their family owns and wouldn’t know what to do if their spouse were to suddenly pass away. No one should postpone getting their financial affairs in order, stay at home mom or otherwise.
The Stiletto Mom responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 5:25 pm →
Vered….AMEN SISTER. I wrote a post about this very subject when I was “practicing” writing for my blog. It still sits in my dusty Word archives and you have inspired me to polish it off and post it. Women just don’t realize their worth and contributions. I’d have to say the same would apply for the Stay at Home Dad population that is growing…though I always think they are a little more savvy for some reason. (Sexist? Maybe. I call it survival instinct which they have in droves. Also, note I have a SAHD here…he’s a smart guy and knows all of our accounts, passwords, how much I’m bringing in etc)
All that said, in our house, we always try to make decisions together. Because when the you know what hits the fan…who wants to be left standing alone holding the bag??
I adored this post!
Evelyn Lim responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 5:58 pm →
Vered, you’ve provided great advice. It’s definitely something every woman should think about. When I first quit my job, I just took the plunge. I did not give much thought to matters like these. Gradually, I began to realize how terrible it felt to have no income. I was glad that I stumbled onto the web as it meant I could do something part time. Luckily, my husband insisted that everything should be joint.
Natural responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 6:00 pm →
vered, this is excellent and sound legal and financial information. marriage is just not about love, there’s also the business side of it that no one wants to discuss. it’s a partnership. i know people who don’t have access to their husband’s account – the man handles everything. that’s all well and fine, but he would need to keep me posted and i would need to know where things are. when the man dies, so many women don’t know what to do, how to it because it was all taken care of for them. every woman, stay at home or not has to make sure she is protected.
The Lawyer Mom responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm →
You make excellent points, especially noting the wage equivalent earned by a stay-at-home mom. Any father who says life insurance for his non-income-earning stay-at-home-wife is unnecessary needs to think again. Moms need to think about all the things they provide for their family, and the cost to replace their services, if they died.
From time to time I have to petition the court for an occupational driver’s license for a stay-at-home mom (who has a pending DWI). These petitions require a job description and the job descriptions for stay-at-home moms are the longest I’ve ever drafted. They take up pages and pages: chauffeur, dietician, college applications consultant, chef, doctor credentialing expert, home maintenance coordinator, summer camp research analyst, pharmaceutical expert. On and on and on it goes.
I would encourage anyone, even Pollyanna Dorothy Sunshine, to keep a constantly updated file containing copies of all financial documents in a separate, accessible place (e.g., tax returns, credit card statements, mortgage documents, warranty deeds, monthly checking account statements, 401k accountings, etc.). Most important, execute wills (and trusts) and keep them in a joint safe deposit box allowing for joint access. If you go on a trip together, make sure a close family member has access to these instruments. Know what life insurance and disability policies are in place.
This all seems like simple, common sense advice, but in the commotion of daily living, these things can be easily overlooked — or put at the bottom of the to-do list — even by the most conscientious, organized women.
As Erma Bombeck would say if she were here, “life is only a bowl of cherries for the fictional ‘Father Knows Best ‘ family.”
Dr. J responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 7:10 pm →
That’s all excellent advice! It’s important to be your own rock, or at least a tall pile of stones
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm →
@ Kelly: I agree about community property. Israel has community property too. It just seems fair to acknowledge the wife’s contribution to the family.
@ RC Rambling: “I feel some security in the fact that we have similar incomes, live in a Community Property State, and that we put both of our names on everything.” You’re doing everything right!
@ Marelisa: “No one should postpone getting their financial affairs in order, stay at home mom or otherwise.” Very true.
@ The Stiletto Mom: Definitely publish it! It’s an important topic. Looking forward to reading your own take on the subject.
@ Evelyn Lim: You are married to a decent man. Sadly, many women are married to jerks.
@ Natural: I agree. I would never feel comfortable letting someone else handle all the finances. I know many people feel uncomfortable talking about this, but you can’t trust someone blindly even if you are in a loving relationship. People need to protect themselves.
@ The Lawyer Mom: “I would encourage anyone, even Pollyanna Dorothy Sunshine, to keep a constantly updated file containing copies of all financial documents in a separate, accessible place.” Absolutely. Also agree about the importance of estate planning.
@ Dr. J: “It’s important to be your own rock” – exactly. Of course when we are in a loving relationship we rely on each other, but there’s a difference between letting someone support you, and trusting them blindly with your future.
Carol Fishman Cohen responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 7:58 pm →
When you do decide to return to work, check out the career reentry strategy book “Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms Who Want to Return to Work”, and the tools and resources on iRelaunch.
Mia responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 pm →
This is something I have often thought of, wondered, been concerned about. I am lucky enough to be with a man that, in all likelihood, would never leave me without. Especially because of our family situation. He has given more to retirement in order to account for my staying at home and lack of income. I am the one in charge of all the finances, have all the passwords, permissions, etc. I don’t think he’d even know where to start. We both own all properties, including the cars. We have no pre-nup. So, I guess in a way, we struck a balance. We’ve both been very careful to balance everything and not leave either stranded, without credit, or with too much debt.
Thanks for writing this. Many times, there are too many people who refuse to talk about event he possibility of this happening. It can.
Giovanna Garcia responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 12:48 am →
Thank you for writing this. So many women I know needs to read this, inculding my sister. Coming from a former divorce attorney, you are the expert on this and I agree with you 100% on this. Every women should read this post.
Thank you,
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Tricia responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 6:39 am →
Exactly! It’s a difficult topic as people understandably believe love will conquer all, but I hope women continue to have this very important discussion.
Patricia responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 10:02 am →
Very important information sharing here – Thank you. I stopped doing most wedding requests about 5 years ago because the couple would refuse pre-marriage counseling, which covers how to have conflict, legal rights in this state, and money issues.
A money manager for the elderly, who works in our city, is being approached almost daily now by couples who do not know how to handle money or use it.
What the last 12 years have taught me is that very few folks understand how the USA is governed, how government works and extremely few understand investments and money management.
Cath Lawson responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 10:17 am →
Hi Vered – This is really good advice – especially the pre-nup stuff. Stuart and I have only lived together for 4 years and been married for 2.5. Our finances were weird at first, as he worked for me.
I would add, definitely get good tax advice. I have just lost out on a big tax rebate because I was given poor advice.
Also, don’t loan money to your husband without a proper legal agreement. I did that with my ex-husband and if you do happen to split up, you’ll really regret it.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 10:29 am →
@ Carol Fishman Cohen: Thank you!
@ Mia: Sounds like you’re doing everything right! “I am the one in charge of all the finances, have all the passwords, permissions, etc. I don’t think he’d even know where to start.” – same here, and I actually make him go over the stuff with me once in a while to make sure he knows where everything is in case something happens to me.
@ Giovanna Garcia: “So many women I know needs to read this, inculding my sister.” – you should email it to her.
@ Tricia: It’s a VERY difficult subject for most people, but the money talk actually needs to take place fairly early in the relationship (once people realize they are in a serious, committed relationship), and definitely before getting married.
@ Patricia: “extremely few understand investments and money management.” – I have no idea why, since the basics are very straightforward and can easily be learned on the internet through several reputable websites.
@ Cath Lawson: Getting good tax advice is definitely important.
Patricia responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 11:30 am →
Vered, in response to your reply….I have been watching all these homes being cleaned up after foreclosures…and people are given 90 days notice and still they leave personal pictures,food, DVD players, computers, toys, clothing, furniture….they can’t even afford a storage locker or apparently pay for all the “things” they are leaving in their houses, which they could not afford. All of that “stuff” is going to the dump. Why did they not have a garage sale? Give away things? Organize? So they just did take that which they could stuff in their car in the last hours….so they did not teach their children how to do it either…..even though it is on the internet and Susie Orman offered her last book as a free download off of Oprah – we are talking millions of people who don’t understand finances….I can hardly comprehend the problem? Our local churches are being swamped by folks who don’t know what to do….or good nutrition… it is scary. At least when I was in school we all had a home ec. course – we learned how to cook for a family, budget, fix the toilet, paint a room, and sew an apron. When I was campus minister in the late 70s my first course was always about how to do laundry – then roommate problems…..
Michelle @ What Does Your Body Good? responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 4:17 pm →
Oh, I handle ALL the finances. Now that I’m working from home and starting my own business, he’s really the breadwinner so much of what you said was relevant to me. But I figure, if my sweetie doesn’t even know the difference between our checking acct and investment accts, how insecure could i feel? Without me he basically ignored the presence of money in his life. If anything if we broke up it’s HIM who should be worried!
Dot responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 5:59 pm →
Excellent advice, whether one is a mom or staying home or not.
Tracy responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 6:17 pm →
Vered, I wish I’d taken all this more seriously during my first marriage. What can I say? I married at 21, it was over by 24. There wasn’t really much in the way of assets to protect, but right after I told my ex husband I wanted a divorce, he withdrew every penny from the bank account and had his paychecks deposited to another one that was not in my name. I had no credit in my name, nothing. It was a nightmare, I had to borrow money from my parents to buy groceries and trying to set up accounts in my own name required expensive deposits, as I had no credit history. You know, I might have actually tried to give the marriage another chance, had he not pulled this financial abuse on me. You don’t hear a lot of talk about financial abuse, but I’ve heard of many women being controlled this way.
So, cautionary tale. Now, I’m a stay at home mom again, but I do have accounts (savings, retirement) in my own name, maintain credit in my own name and basically make sure that if something horrible happened tomorrow, I’m able to take care of myself and the kids. My husband is very aware that we are a team and it’s always been “our” money. He understands completely why I do put some aside for myself (and it’s also precautionary in case heaven forbid something happens to him).
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 24th, 2009 at 9:20 pm →
@ Patricia: I completely agree that schools need to teach kids real-life skills.
@ Michelle: You’re in a good place. I’m always pleased to find strong, independent women.
@ Dot: Being in charge of one’s finances is important for everyone.
@ Tracy: “right after I told my ex husband I wanted a divorce, he withdrew every penny from the bank account” – this is extremely common and is in fact the first advice divorce lawyers give their clients.
Giovanna Garcia responds:
Posted: March 25th, 2009 at 1:26 am →
Hi Vered
I did email this to my sister and a few other friends of mine.
Thanks,
Giovanna
MizFit responds:
Posted: March 25th, 2009 at 3:31 am →
sadly I think about this often…being a workfromhomemom who makes a pittance.
My marriage is fantastic but my head isnt in the sand either.
Suzie responds:
Posted: March 25th, 2009 at 12:40 pm →
Very important and good ideas
Robin responds:
Posted: March 25th, 2009 at 3:38 pm →
I think you hit the nail on the head with “don’t underestimate yourself” – most people use a whole range of skills, whether they have a paid job or not. And if you add up pay for all the jobs a full-time parent does it would be huge, as you point out.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 26th, 2009 at 1:40 pm →
@ Giovanna Garcia: Glad you did!
@ MizFit: “My marriage is fantastic but my head isnt in the sand either.” – this is the right attitude.
@ Robin: Exactly. Moms don’t get paid for their work, but it does have monetary value.
Robyn Fitzon responds:
Posted: March 28th, 2009 at 12:45 am →
Making the choice to be a SAHM places you in one of the most vulnerable positions you can possibly be in — not making an income, being totally dependent on a spouse. And we all know that while he is out there (working hard) and advancing his earning potential, your earning potential is stagnant at best. However, I have 2 wonderful teenagers, and I am CONVINCED in my heart that their fine character, and our healthy and fun relationship is a direct result of me being 100% dedicated to them as their Mom from day 1. So, what to do? Do NOT sign a pre-nup EVER. Any man who would demand (as my ex did) that you sign one does not love you, and is already planning for his benefit in the future. My ex even bought our home one week before our wedding, so that my name was not on the deed. I was able to get him to finally “give” me 34.5% of the value. But I made so many mistakes. Sad though it is, you have to have a plan in case he has a mid-life crisis and leaves you. Be SURE to have all things in both of your names. While you’re busy planning the wedding, or certainly while you’re pregnant with your first child, also visit a family law attorney, to find out if there are any things that you should do to protect yourself in case of a divorce. Be smart, because the laws are different in every state, and also, the laws do change periodically. You are not only protecting YOU, but also the welfare of any children born in the marriage. If life and marriage works out for you, great. But PLEASE don’t be naive, like a wife of the 1950′s, because then you and your children can become victims. In my case, I’ll say again I am SO glad I’ve been a SAHM, but realize that your contribution to your marriage is definitely worth 50% . Just be aware, and make sure your bases are covered. And once again — don’t sign a Pre-Nup — it can really come around and bite you if a divorce does happen.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 30th, 2009 at 9:48 pm →
Hi Robyn,
Thank you for your comment. You have added valuable information to this discussion.
Jannie responds:
Posted: March 31st, 2009 at 7:34 am →
You are so smart, Vered! (But I already knew that.)
Squawkfox responds:
Posted: April 1st, 2009 at 12:21 pm →
I’m late to comment – but wow! POWERFUL post Vered! I’ve emailed your wise words to a few “stay at home moms” to get them thinking. Thank you for including my resume series! Thumbs way UP!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 pm →
Thanks Jannie!!
@ Squawkfox: I’m glad you emailed this to your friends. I want as many SAHMs as possible to read this.
miao responds:
Posted: April 4th, 2009 at 9:05 pm →
I completely agree with the above comments, however i find it ever so difficult to have the financial discussion with my spouse. We have been married for a year now and I am a SAHM. We have a beautiful son with another on the way. I’m not from the states, so working is not an option right now as i am awaiting my employment authorization. I feel completely dependent on my husband at times, but don’t know how to have this convo with him. I gave up my life to be here with him and have no savings remaining. I have no source of income, and he does not give me any money, unless i ask, which is VERY VERY RARELY. Sometimes i wonder if he cares that we (me and his son) are out and about with no money in pocket. He recently has given me access to his credit card but I feel really bad if I have to use it. and especially bad when he asks me how much i spent. Note I do not use the card unless its for groceries or items for the baby. I never use it for personal purchases. I often feel that he is in this marriage by himself, and is not in the marital state of mind. I am very concerned about our future, and my financial well being. I know he will always provide for his kids, but heaven forbid if we didn’t work out. where would I be left standing. What should I do, how do I start this long overdue discussion.
thanks
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 4th, 2009 at 9:35 pm →
@ miao: You’re in a tough situation, but it sounds like you’ve really got nothing to lose by bringing it up. Approach the subject when he’s in a good mood, and write down what you want to say, even practice it. If he absolutely refuses to give you access to money, marriage counseling might help – if you can get him to go to the first session with you.
Choosing the Home-Business that is Right for You | SISTERS OF THE FAITH ™ responds:
Posted: April 7th, 2009 at 8:19 pm →
[...] Stay At Home Mom? Protect Yourself Financially | [...]
Maryann responds:
Posted: September 8th, 2009 at 7:09 pm →
I really am ashamed that I let this happen, but I thought my husband had mine and our kids best interests at heart; not so much….he can be really selfish and greedy. He took my name off of our joint checking account w/o talking to me about why he felt he needed to. He doesn’t leave me cash, no credit cards, and he keeps everything pertaining to money and such locked in a safe, locked in his car.
He grew up with a mother that was really mean, not loving at all. So, I see where he got it from, but I don’t think that’s any excuse. He just doesn’t enjoy spending money on anything he thinks isn’t necessary; only if it’s something he might want to do.
We’ve been married for 28 years, and in that time I took care of my mom when she was dying w/cancer, then took my dad in after her death and he lived with us for 24 years until he passed away. Also, my dad paid half of the bills. I had an extremely hard time w/my dad because he suffered from severe anxiety and insomnia, so I was on call 24 hours a day. My brother and sister live out of state, so I never got any help from them. It would have broken my heart to put him in a nursing home so I took on the responsibility of caring for him. I cared for his mom when she was sick, babysat his nieces and nephews and was always having the holidays at my home because I had a huge backyard and in-the-ground pool. No one ever offered to take my kids once in a while or help me out.
I never complained because he had a bad temper and I didn’t want my little ones to hear him yelling. I also suffered from depression, anxiety and insomnia and just didn’t have it in me what it took to fight back. Now, I just can’t take it anymore….he controls everything. He’s retired now, and watches every move each of us makes. Since he did that w/the joint checking account, I have just lost any trust I had, and I have caught him in more lies. If I keep going I could make it into a book.
What can I do to get what I think I deserve. I honestly didn’t want divorce; I put so much into this marriage and trying to raise my kids right (most of the time without him – he was either working or just would yell at them so I didn’t ask him for help). I don’t know what to do. I do want to know if I can sue him for leaving me STRANDED. He comes and goes as he pleases, and I don’t drive so I am stuck home a lot and most of the time I don’t even have money in case of an emergency. I probably should think about divorce, because the way he treats me is not love. Can someone please help me figure this out.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 8th, 2009 at 7:36 pm →
Maryann, I think you need to find a way to find an attorney that specializes in family law and get a free consultation. Not necessarily for divorce, but to protect your rights. This web page has a lot of good info – start there:
fatherhood.about.com
Donna responds:
Posted: September 20th, 2009 at 1:42 pm →
Well, the nightmare has begun. I have been married for 12 years and gave up a career to raise his, mine and our children. We have one last child still left in the home, whose 8 yrs old. I have been a stay at home mom for most of the time we’ve been together and did not save for myself. I manage the bills, but recently found out that my husband has a separate acct, password protected in another bank that he keeps all to himself. He refuse to share the business accts with me. He gives me what he wants to for the bills and for myself. The house and some of our major bills were placed in my name because I could get the best interest rate. But now that husband has asked for a divorce, I will be the one holding the bag. I’m not sure what my rights are or whether he would have to pay for the mortgage and bills temporarily, but what’s really there to make him do it if he doesnt want to. Can anyone shed some light on this?
MomGrind responds:
Posted: September 20th, 2009 at 5:04 pm →
Donna, you need a lawyer. See my comment above – try fatherhood.about.com for basic advice on how to find a good divorce lawyer.
Working Moms are Bad Moms responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 10:06 am →
[...] than their role as mothers, to keep their careers going, and to remain financially independent. Being a stay at home mom is a huge financial risk, and being a full time mom isn’t always the right choice for a woman or for her family. I [...]
Behind Bars: Stay at Home Mom Regret? « Good Witch / Bad Witch responds:
Posted: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:35 am →
[...] making the money. I should have the final say.” I don’t agree. Neither, I believe would a court, but I digress. For me, there was a general sense of malaise, an idea that my personal worth could [...]