Positive Parenting: How To Be More Patient
Positive parenting is important to me. It’s not that I think parents need to be perfect. When my daughter tells me I’m “the best mommy in the whole world,” I hug her and tell her I’m an okay mommy.
One area where I do aim high is patience. This is not about perfection. It’s about effectiveness. I believe that losing one’s temper is completely unhelpful. Calm disciplining is far more effective and can yield long-term results, faster.
So while I have learned to accept that I’m human and forgive myself for occasionally losing my temper and raising my voice, I do strive to be as patient as possible with my children and remain calm even when faced with the most irritating, maddening, illogical behavior. If you have kids, you know what I mean.
Here are five tactics that (usually) help me stay calm:
1. Take a parental time-out
Time outs have become a popular disciplining tool. They can be quite effective when done right. But sometimes, the one who really needs a time-out is you. When I feel anger building up inside, I often go out to the garden for a few minutes to breathe in some fresh air and relax. Sometimes I go to my bedroom, lock the door to ensure privacy (my kids, 7 and 9, are old enough to handle a few minutes without me), and rest for a couple of minutes.
Simply removing yourself from a stressful situation and taking a short break can be very helpful in preventing an outburst.
2. Remind yourself how small they are and how much you love them
Sometimes when my kids make me angry, I look at them, and instead of allowing myself to get mad, I force myself to see how small they are physically. I then remind myself that they need my guidance and my love, and that even if they did something to really upset me, I still love them more than anything.
Stepping back from the situation and looking at the big picture of how much you love your kids and how small and helpless they are is a great way to calm down.
3. Instead of raising your voice, give them a hug
This is similar to the previous technique, but it’s more physical. It works like magic: when a young child is upset and yells at you “I hate you,” try – instead of yelling back or becoming upset – to simply hug them.
Even if they resist at first, they will often relax within a few seconds, gratefully melt into your arms, and the entire scene will be over.
4. Take care of yourself
While the previous techniques are good for handling specific situations where you feel the anger building up, this is something that will help you be a more patient parent in general.
Don’t be a martyr! Don’t sacrifice your own passions. Exercise, eat right, keep a hobby or two, and make sure you spend a few hours alone, doing something you love (napping qualifies) each week.
When you are healthy and well rested, when you’re not constantly exhausted and frustrated and bored, you will find that you have significantly more patience for your children.
5. Lower your expectations
Perfectionism is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. You can’t be happy if you’re a perfectionist (trust me, I should know), because things – life – will never be perfect.
Lower your expectations of yourself, as a person, as a parent and as a homemaker. Lower your expectations of your kids too. They are human. They WILL make mistakes. They will not always behave perfectly.
Set the basic boundaries – things they must never do (such as hitting or swearing), and let go of the rest.
Positive parenting is not about perfect parenting. We all do our best, and it’s not easy. But using the techniques outlined here can significantly reduce friction and help in creating a more relaxed atmosphere.
Photo credit: jenn jenn
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Kacie responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 4:53 pm →
Absolutely! I love how these tips pertain to how parents behave; not children. These are lessons I’ve learned quickly in my son’s not-yet four months of life.
Mike Goad responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 5:03 pm →
Great tips! I could have used them when we were raising our kids.
Fortunately, though, everything turned out fine.
Writer Dad responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 5:09 pm →
Vered, these are all great, but the best one is #2. That’s the truth, they are small and do need us to guide them. We had quite the time this morning with one of ours, I won’t say which one but he’s the boy, younger, and is almost NEVER a problem. Well, this morning he wanted to book two tickets to tantrum island and I was his fellow passenger (not that I wanted to go). Patience was exercised, #2 employed. Thanks.
Betsy Wuebker responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 5:47 pm →
Along with what Kacie said: The only thing truly in our control is how we react. Especially when they get older. It’s a shock to realize that they will no longer automatically do what we tell them. Brats! After all those days I fed them!
Davina responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 6:01 pm →
Hi Vered. Although I’m not a parent I can see the value of your suggestions. I agree with Writer Dad about #2 feeling the most effective. Seeing children as small somehow has the result of drawing compassion out. This softens those frustrations.
MommyNamedApril responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 6:27 pm →
Great tips. I think #5 is especially important. Life is tough, lets not make it worse.
Patricia responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 6:36 pm →
Oh Vered, I love your list and each suggestion is to be toasted for a good idea shared! I did a great deal of #1 with my oldest two and then made appointments to talk about feelings and communicating better along the way – we still have respectful conversations and resolutions but at nearly 30 I do more listening and so do they!
With my 3rd child so much was different all the time. I do not think she will ever share with us all the things she has done or lessons she has learned the very hardest ways….I was so thankful that she and I could take a Nonviolent Communications workshop and even with all that skill we had to hire a counselor and a mediator to get through some of the roughest situations and hardest spot. Don’t be afraid of this option, and I highly recommend it for dealing with siblings/family when parents become senior or disabled.
Thank you for such a good post…and I loved the ski picture…lovely and spirited and full of love.
RC - Rambling Along... responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 7:26 pm →
These are great, but one of the best tips I’ve shared is taking a deep breath. Before I react, sometimes I will draw in a huge breath, hold it for a moment and then let it out. Frequently it keeps me from losing my cool completely, and keeps my tone of voice calm and even.
The other thing I’ve tried, and have found works extremely well, is laughter.
If the offense isn’t all that serious, I try to find something comical in the situation and redirect my toddler’s attention to that funny thing. It keeps him from pushing my buttons further, something he does well – especially as of late.
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 7:34 pm →
I don’t have an issue with perfectionism but I don’t have a lot of patience. When I’m about to raise my voice, I try to whisper instead. I find it also gets my daughter to pay closer attention and it calms me down. I only have the one kid though and she is strangely well-behaved. I have no idea where she gets that from
Great tips Vered!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 7:42 pm →
@ Kacie: “these tips pertain to how parents behave; not children.” EXACTLY.
@ Mike Goad: One of the reasons I think parents need to avoid perfectionism is that really, kids do turn out fine even if we are “just” “okay parents.”
@ Writer Dad: We have one of those little people in our house too.
@ Betsy Wuebker: “It’s a shock to realize that they will no longer automatically do what we tell them.” I agree – and at the ages of 9 and 7, it’s already starting.
@ Davina: Exactly. You can’t help but feel compassion, which is the entire point.
@ MommyNamedApril: True. Perfectionism is a curse.
@ Patricia: Appointments to talk about feelings – sounds like a great idea.
@ RC: Taking a deep breath, as well as counting to ten, are great tips that work in many life situations – not just with kids. Thank you for adding this important tool!
@ Kim Woodbridge: “When I’m about to raise my voice, I try to whisper instead.” Interesting. I am totally going to try this next time things heat up around here.
Maya responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 8:13 pm →
4 and 5 are key for me. I also take time outs WITH my little ones – all of us will go, stand in a corner and think about why we did something bad – all of us together. And when one of them gets a yelling, I make sure that I am holding onto them close – never let them feel distanced both physically and emotionally at the same time. Very much the same philosophy as 1 and 3. I will have to remember 2 for my future
tabitha responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 8:26 pm →
Thank you for the tips. I do the parental time-out quite often and try to remember that they are small, I definitely need to put the other ones into practice.
I couldn’t have read this at a better time considering all three of my kiddos were sick last week and my youngest is still sick. My tolerance level for cranky, whiny kids is getting low and reading this post has helped put things into perspective.
Tracy responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 8:30 pm →
One thing that is helping a lot is to just try and stay in the moment. I think all parents know the term “the witching hour” – right before dinner, everyone is tired, hungry, cranky. There might be homework to be done or the house is a mess and somebody has to cook something. That’s when I lose it.
I’ve been consciously trying not to focus too hard on what needs to be done in the immediate future and just take things one at a time. So, when a cranky toddler is tugging on me asking for something I can’t make out, unless something is burning, I focus on that and try not to let my mind race thinking about onions that need to be chopped or how I’ll get some writing done between finishing cleaning up and falling into bed.
It works, for me and for them. When I’m calmer and more patient, they are generally calmer and more patient, too. Everybody wins!
Evelyn Lim responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 9:03 pm →
Parental timeouts have been useful for me. When I go back to my cave and spend time reflecting, I emerge a better mother. Thanks for sharing your tips!
Hayden Tompkins responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 9:24 pm →
Discipline is such a touchy subject sometimes but, yes, losing your temper IS completely unhelpful. Unless it’s a you’re-so-angry-you’re-eerily-calm, a method best reserved for teenagers who have been wildly (and hopefully infrequently) irresponsible.
I think the key to not losing your temper is to not take things personally. But, take this with a grain of salt, as I have only been on the child side of the discipline divide. I may completely change my mind when we become parents!
Nurit responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 10:22 pm →
Yes. I also find that when I feel I get angry/frustrated with my almost 6 years old I tell myself to stop and really look at him, I mean REALLY look at him, focus on his little face, his cute curly hair, his sweet cheeks, little voice, and so on… and then all the anger melts away…
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 12:25 am →
Hi Vered – I find all of your hints to be true, and what I found also works is to tell your kids “Mommy needs a hug”. Often just that physical bonding will make all the difference in the world – for both the mom and the child(ren).
J.D. Meier responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 12:51 am →
I like #2. It’s a reminder that you’re their most important mentor in life.
#5 reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbs I once saw. Calvin got a low grade on his paper and got sad, but then he lowered his expectations and was happy again.
Ian | Quantum Learning responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 2:50 am →
Vered
I would add (and it requires patience) that whenever they are expressing themselves in ways that are triggering to ask yourself, and them, what they are REALLY trying to communicate.
My 6 year old winds me up very easily when she doesn’t get what she wants. The tantrum recognised and feared by most parents. When I’m at my best I can listen behind her words, shouting, rolling on the floor, kicking (God! she sounds like a monster!) and hear her. Usually she just wants to be heard or wants some care. When’s she senses I hear her then she usually lets go of whatever it was she wanted. The ‘thing’ she’s in a tantrum about is the bait, but one that it can be easy to take.
Adrenalynn responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 3:43 am →
All of these tips are so important. I heard a preacher once say that he always tried to stop and take a second to pray before disciplining his children- and that stuck with me. Even if you don’t believe in God it’s a great principle to take a step back from the situation and think it through for a moment before you react. I often find that my son (3 years old) acts out if he is confused or feels misunderstood, and in those cases yelling at him or punishing him in some way will just make matters worse. Picking your battles is key! Thanks for a great post!
Tricia responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 5:35 am →
Great list. I try to remind myself that I am my son’s training ground. I want him to feel comfortable making an argument for something he believes in or desires, and the first place he’s going to learn to be assertive is at home.
Michelle @ Find Your Balance responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 6:54 am →
I like the hugging technique. My husband and I use that one on each other and it works!
cindy platt responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 8:17 am →
These are all brilliant reminders. My favorite is #1 Take a parental time-out. When I tell the children I need a time out to reflect before I speak, they know they have hit the line drawn in the sand. My 5-7 minutes of silence is a civil way to communicate that I too, need to think before I speak and I set the timer and return to the situation no matter what (unless I am not calm enough to speak). We are not a perfect family and our moments occur with ebb and flow that is normal like the tide. Our children are internalizing coping mechanisms that will become life long skills.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 9:00 am →
@ Maya: I love the idea of a shared time out!
@ tabitha: Sounds like a stressful week. Hang in there!
@ Tracy: “I focus on that and try not to let my mind race” – this is very, very good advice.
@ Evelyn Lim: “When I go back to my cave and spend time reflecting, I emerge a better mother.” – exactly.
@ Hayden Tompkins: Not taking things personally is important, especially the “I hate you!” variety.
@ Nurit: So true. They are cute even when they are misbehaving!
@ Barbara Swafford: “Mommy needs a hug.” I LOVE that. Adding it to my mental list of tips.
@ J.D. Meier: I like your example. In used to be one of those kids who were unhappy with a B. It had to be all As. It took me years to realize that being a straight-A student is not necessarily a good thing, because it means you sacrifice in other areas of your life and focus too much on academics.
@ Ian: You are a very thoughtful parent. It’s extremely difficult to stay patience when faced with a major tantrum.
@ Adrenalynn: “yelling at him or punishing him in some way will just make matters worse.” – exactly.
@ Tricia: “I want him to feel comfortable making an argument for something he believes in or desires” – I agree. As much as I believe kids need boundaries, I do try to be flexible and really listen to them. Even if I initially said “no” to something, they know they can convince me to change my mind – if they use valid arguments and logic rather than burst into a temper tantrum.
@ Michelle: It DOES work for grownups too!
@ cindy platt: “Our children are internalizing coping mechanisms that will become life long skills.” Exactly. When we take a few moments to calm down before we react, we teach our children coping skills.
Alik Levin | PracticeThis.com responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 9:56 am →
#2 and #5 are king.
Good advice – simple and practical.
Liked it a lot.
melissa responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 12:18 pm →
What GREAT tips!!!! I’m going to print these off and put them on my refrigerator at home!
Love them.
Melissa
Marelisa responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 2:40 pm →
Hi Vered: I’ve noticed that my 4 year old and nearly 2 year old nephews rarely have temper tantrums. I think it’s because my sister takes the time to talk to them and make compromises (you can watch “Barney” for ten minutes but then you have to go to bed) instead of just forcing them to do everything her way. I think she should follow your advice of taking some time for herself because I notice that she does get very tired and overwhelmed sometimes.
Dr. J responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 2:51 pm →
This is a very well written post! Thank you Vered! I don’t think you said this, but “Set the basic boundaries – things YOU must never do (such as hitting or swearing” I really feel that physical punishment with children is wrong. I know many people disagree with me, but I feel it’s an important contribution to the future of your children and the world they will live in.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 8:10 pm →
@ Alik Levin: My favorite is tip #2.
@ melissa: Glad you liked this article.
@ Marelisa: Anyone should take time for themselves, and especially parents of small children. It does get overwhelming at times.
@ Dr. J: “I really feel that physical punishment with children is wrong.” I completely agree. It’s morally wrong to hit a human being, and on top of that, it’s totally ineffective as a discipline tool since it just teaches them to fear you and obey you because of that fear. You want kids that value themselves, who can think for themselves, apply logic to solve situations and generally cope with life. Hitting them does not accomplish any of these things.
Tess The Bold Life responds:
Posted: April 14th, 2009 at 9:33 pm →
What fantastic tips! Where were these when my girls were little 30 plus years ago!
As a previous therapist I’ve seen moms struggle with no. 4 and no. 5 the most. If no. 4 was No. 1, No 1, 2 & 3 wouldn’t be as needed.
Jannie Funster responds:
Posted: April 15th, 2009 at 9:00 am →
All are great, number three is pure magic. Thank you, Vered!
Dot responds:
Posted: April 15th, 2009 at 9:14 am →
I like these, especially the one about hugging them when they’re at their most furious. One of the issues I noticed when I see parents out with their kids is that the kids are constantly trying to get the parent’s attention, and the parents are tuning them out. Of course, you can’t give them ALL your attention and still manage to shop, converse with other adults, etc., but being heard is so important.
I’m wondering, was your mother also a great mother — is that where you learned your great mothering skills?
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 15th, 2009 at 10:50 am →
@ Tess: I agree. Moms tend to feel incredibly guilty when they take time fore themselves. They shouldn’t.
@ Jannie: It is, and I love it when it happens!
@ Dot: The best thing my mom did as a parent was making sure my brother and I knew she loved us.
Stacey / Create a Balance responds:
Posted: April 15th, 2009 at 3:37 pm →
Well you know my life passion is all about getting the word out about #4 “take care of yourself”. I learned a valuable lesson while reading Blessing of a Skinned Knee. I realized it is okay to be a good enough mom. Great heart-felt post.
Natural responds:
Posted: April 15th, 2009 at 3:56 pm →
big fan of no. 4. sometimes parents forget to be people, they LIVE for their kids – which is okay for some, not me, but don’t forget who you are as a person. it always goes back to the oxygen demonstration on airplanes, apply your mask first then help others. you can’t be of help to anyone if you’re dead tired.
MiaHysteria responds:
Posted: April 15th, 2009 at 8:19 pm →
Great post.
Just yesterday my 2 year old was sincerely and perfectly DRIVING ME CRAZY. I was getting shorter and shorter. It didn’t matter. It didn’t change a think. Insanity was on the brink. Instead, I took a deep breath and play screamed with buggy eyes and chased her around the house, tickling…I even mentioned a time or two that she was driving me crazy.
In the end, we had fun. She wasn’t driving me crazy anymore and it all ended with, “Ha-ha-ha…You funny Mommy!”
Giovanna Garcia responds:
Posted: April 16th, 2009 at 12:29 am →
This is a great post. I always enjoy parenting tips because I am a first time mom. I really like the reminder of #4 and #5, I feel that they are very important and often over looked.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
5 Surefire Tips for Parenting with Patience | responds:
Posted: April 16th, 2009 at 6:42 pm →
[...] can use a little advice to help when dealing with their children. The MomGrind.com has put together Five Tried and Tested Tips for Patient Parenting. This post provides strategies to help you stay calm when handling the trying behaviors of your [...]
The Lawyer Mom responds:
Posted: April 16th, 2009 at 6:48 pm →
My best tactic is not being attached to the outcome, regardless what is happening. Screaming at the grocery? Not my problem; it sure will be his later when I’ve got no energy to read him a good-night story. It sure will be his the next time he wants to go shopping with me because, nope. He’ll be staying home.
This approach requires extreme self-discipline. “Oh, you don’t want to eat your salad tonight? No problem.” (and NO sarcasm) Later, when pie is demanded? “Oh, dear, so sorry. Only the vegetable eaters get pie. What a shame.”
It works beautifully. But, as I say, it requires the self-discipline of gosh, I don’t know, an olympic marathon runner?
Robin responds:
Posted: April 17th, 2009 at 5:23 am →
Hi Vered – I love the way you say to hug them instead of yelling at them. I found when I was teaching, that for many kids who were misbehaving (I’m talking 13 yr olds here), simply paying them some attention, like going and standing next to them while I spoke to the class for example, was enough to settle them down.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 17th, 2009 at 12:17 pm →
@ Stacey: “it is okay to be a good enough mom.” EXACTLY.
@ Natural: the oxygen demonstration on airplanes is a great example.
@ MiaHysteria: I’m impressed. What a great way to diffuse the tension.
@ Giovanna Garcia: I generally avoid dishing out parenting tips, but sometimes I can’t resist.
@ The Lawyer Mom: I agree: it works, and it takes tons of restraint.
@ Robin: True. Often, kids simply want attention but are unable to politely ask for it so they act out.
Sagan responds:
Posted: April 17th, 2009 at 4:11 pm →
This is really insightful- so incredibly true! Those are also really good tactics to use for babysitters when the kids are acting up and they aren’t our own.
rowe responds:
Posted: April 17th, 2009 at 5:45 pm →
Absolutely true in everything you have said here. Thank you for writing this on behalf of all the lovely little children in this world who just need mummy and daddy to love them and help them learn all about their big wide world. When children come into your life, your life changes. You must be prepared to adjust to those changes (otherwise your life will be hell). And, the advice for mums to take time out is the icing on the cake here. Thank you, MomGrind – what a gorgeous name for a blog!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 19th, 2009 at 8:43 pm →
@ Sagan: “Those are also really good tactics to use for babysitters” – absolutely.
@ rowe: “You must be prepared to adjust to those changes (otherwise your life will be hell). ” – EXACTLY.
Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
Posted: April 20th, 2009 at 5:35 pm →
Great advice here, Vered. I wish I could say I am the parent I would like to be, but I do struggle with the relentless responsibility of it all sometimes. I yell more than I would like when I get tired and Bunny pushes me too far, and while I can be very patient, sometimes I just lose the plot or have days where everything irritates the hell out of me. I especially find the smart mouth and MR know-it-all behaviour of the pre-school age hard to take – I can’t stand rudeness so I struggle to react appropriately. I think # 3 sounds like a sound idea because Bunny is very stubborn and when I can be detached about it, I know that digging in with him gets us absolutely nowhere.
I do take parent time-outs now, but for years I didn’t and I definitely paid the price. My family is also in the process now of rearranging responsibilities and routines so that I am no longer the one doing 99% of the parenting work while hubby plays the games and gets to be the “fun one”. We fell in this trap because of my husband’s work schedule and my concern that Bunny have time with his dad. But five years later it’s become clear this system has turned me into an over-tired cranky pants, while teaching Bunny that mommies are there to serve the needs of others. Not good.
But parenting is a work in progress, as is life, and when I feel too hard on myself, I remember #5. The need to be perfect and “get it right” was ingrained in me as a kid, and at 37 I am still madly trying to undo this learning. I don’t want Bunny to be so hard and unforgiving on himself, so the best ME I can show him is one who apologizes when she stuffs up, who stresses how much I love him no matter what, and who lets chaos reign occasionally.
Kelly@SHE-POWER
Bamboo Forest responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2009 at 10:37 am →
I think this is key:
“I believe that losing one’s temper is completely unhelpful. Calm disciplining is far more effective and can yield long-term results, faster.”
I think any parent would be wise to strive to make anger a practice of the past. As you say, it *is* far more effective and *can* yield long-term results, faster.
If the parent is seeking results and is most concerned about results, I think they would always strive to stay calm. Anger is really a selfish behavior that doesn’t make a situation better, but usually worse.
That being said, I don’t generally give parenting advice because I’m not one. But, there are some obvious aspects I feel confident to chime in on.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 21st, 2009 at 6:50 pm →
@ Kelly: “My family is also in the process now of rearranging responsibilities and routines so that I am no longer the one doing 99% of the parenting work while hubby plays the games and gets to be the “fun one”. – sounds like a very smart decision.
I SO related with “The need to be perfect and “get it right” was ingrained in me as a kid, and at 37 I am still madly trying to undo this learning.” – I am going through the same process. It’s interesting how I have learned to appreciate occasional messes – and me messing up – as a sign of normalcy!
@ Bamboo Forest: Being calm is effective in most life situations when dealing with people. Kids are no exception.
Jennie responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 2:18 pm →
I don’t think there is such a thing as a perfect parent. The best one’s, though, are the ones that recognize this and can laugh at all of their imperfections!
Jonathan responds:
Posted: April 30th, 2009 at 3:05 am →
The way we react to things I guess is the most important. I have daughter and sometimes can be very difficult. But its important to be positive and ensure we show them how to deal with situations. For all of you parents out there, a site I frequently visit that has great advice is Daughters.com. It’s mostly for parents with daughters, but the advice can be used in general too. Check it out.
40+ Activities For Kids That Do Not Involve TV, Computer, Wii, Or Any Other Screen | responds:
Posted: June 21st, 2009 at 8:49 pm →
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