Fear of Rape
“I was followed last Friday night when I was walking home from a restaurant.”
Zan, a young woman in her late twenties, left the restaurant by herself and decided to walk home, since she only had a mile to walk. A man in a car started following her.
Zan: “He pulled the car forward and kept asking me to stop, and asking if I’d have a drink with him. I ignored him and continued walking.” Eventually, the man gave up.
After the incident, Zan wondered, “Should I start carrying mace in my purse? Is it time to take a self-defense course? Would any of those things make a difference if the guy really had malice in mind?”
There are plenty of websites who cater to this very normal fear of rape by selling women self-defense tools. I recently came across one of them. As I was reading how to properly use the “Wild Kat Key Chain” to defend yourself against an attacker (“Technique 2: punch directly into your attackers eyes. The ears will fall on both sides of the nose and bury themselves deep into your attackers eye sockets”), I realized how deeply ingrained in women is the fear of male sexual violence.
We don’t even think about it, but fear of rape makes us orchestrate our entire lives around the knowledge that men can attack us and hurt us. We limit our lives in ways that would never even occur to men. We get a taxi to avoid walking home alone; we walk in groups; we ask a male friend to walk with us. When we do find ourselves in a situation where we must walk alone, especially after dark, we are nervous and extremely aware that we are vulnerable.
When we go to a party, we must keep an eye on our drink to make sure it isn’t spiked. When it’s hot and we dress in something short, we risk being accused of “asking for it.” Maybe we should cover up after all? At the end of a date, when we allow a man into our home or go into his home, there is always the possibility that things will go terribly wrong, that he’ll force us to do something we don’t want to do, and that the case will be un-prosecutable because while No Means No, apparently a “no” by a female is still considered a weaker form of “no.”
This constant fear, and the strategies used by women every single day to avoid being raped, are restrictive. They reduce our quality of life and limit our personal freedom.
I am married to a wonderful man and surrounded by wonderful, gentle and caring male friends and colleagues. This is not a rant against men. Rather, it is a rant against our society’s failure at eradicating rape.
In a civilized society, there’s really no reason for women to be afraid of men. People are not allowed to brutally attack other people, or to take what they want by force, are they? When they do, they are punished – except for rape, where conviction rates are actually dropping.
How can this be OK? Shouldn’t Zan be able to walk home by herself, after dark, without being afraid?
Photo credit: d’n'c’
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The Lawyer Mom responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 12:06 pm →
Years ago I helped a young college woman navigate the Grand Jury and it was horrific. She’d been “date” raped by a young fraternity boy, but the sitting grand jury declined to indict. Of course I wasn’t present for the testimony but from what I heard afterward, both she and the boy had been drinking and the jurors saw it as a catch-22: she was too intoxicated to form the intent to consent, but at the same time she was too intoxicated to clearly communicate “no.”
And while I understand why the term “date-rape” is used, we have to be mindful of our language. For too many, “date rape” seems to immediately conjure doubt and diminish the credibility of the victim.
veena responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 12:36 pm →
I think it’s so sad that even in a civilized, progressive society like in the US , a woman has to be afraid. Don’t you think it’s so unfair that we can never drop our guards when we are among strangers… I hate the feeling of constantly staying alert… it’s not right and it’s terribly unfair.
Paisley responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 12:50 pm →
All sorts of advice popped into my mind but as I started typing I realised rape can happen anywhere, anytime, by anyone to anyone. The fact that it can happen right in a woman’s own home by somebody she knows is the heartbreaking reality of what we are up against. I feel so incredibly sad.
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 1:17 pm →
I agree completely. There are some very excellent sites out there for rape prevention as well –
No Nonsense Self Defense
Rape Prevention
come to mind.
It’s sad but true that in today’s society, anyone and everyone can be a victim. Alas, those are the facts; one has to deal effectively with them in the best way they can. My township offers self-defense and rape-prevention classes; it’s a good thing for every woman to take.
Data points, Barbara
CK Lunchbox responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 2:09 pm →
This is nothing to take lightly or casually brush aside thinking it won’t happen. A few months ago a young woman was abducted mid-day from a Home Depot three lights from where we live. Keep in mind this is nice suburban community with relatively low crime, so this sent a shiver through the surrounding area. She was found several days later in a wooded area, a bullet hole noticeably showing on her forehead. They eventually caught the attacker. He was a guy from her high school days that had been stalking her. The victim was a friend of mine I worked with.
Stay alert. Don’t assume.
Davina responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 2:47 pm →
Hi Vered. I remember when I was a young girl, living on a farm… we would take long, leisurely walks in the woods and along country roads. We had no fear. I would wander on my own too. This fear was not a part of our world. Now that it is, I would definitely not be as relaxed on one of those walks… and that is sad. The thought of using the Wild Kat Key Chain to defend myself is not a pretty picture.
Lori responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 3:26 pm →
Hi, Vered,
From the post: ““Should I start carrying mace in my purse? Is it time to take a self-defense course? Would any of those things make a difference if the guy really had malice in mind?”
The last sentence is one that damns women into fear. We don’t know what we are capable of doing. We haven’t been taught how to “weaponize” our bodies and minds because that is seen as too rough and tumble for many people.
Women, it’s time to awaken your Inner Warrior.
For my own physical and mental well-being, I chose to learn the martial arts. Now I’m a senior martial arts instructor and third degree black belt. I highly recommend self defense lessons or karate classes to all girls and women. Right now, I’m putting together a blog (yes, I’m coming back to the Blogopolis!) on self defense moves anyone can perform. It will also include mental and emotional self defense against bullies, users, and narcissists. As I’ve told others, my eight nieces and four nephews lived in distant towns and could never take my classes. They now have families, jobs, and creative lives that don’t include time for four or more years of karate training. I want to pass on the gift of self defense to them and to their children. A blog seemed like a good way do this because more people will be able to access it.
Once a woman learns the power within her own body and mind to defend herself, she is forever changed. It is freedom from the constant fear your write about, Vered.
Mike Goad responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 3:27 pm →
While I think this is more of a problem in the more urban areas than in where we live, it still rears it’s ugly head here. There is a popular jogging/hiking trail near near here where my wife and older daughter have gone for long walks by themselves. There have been problems there and now many women would not even think of going there alone. When I’ve been there recently, I sometimes see women along, but not often, and those who are alone often have dogs with them.
We had a very ugly murder in a town near here a few years back, in 2005. The victim, who had been a former Miss Arkansas Tech, was found in her apartment by her lon-time boyfriend and his mother. He was later charged with the murder, tried and acquitted. Later another man was charged — he was convicted in 2003 for assaulting a jogger at the popular jogging/hiking trail.
The young lady and her boyfriend had been students of my brother-in-law in high school.
Dot responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 3:37 pm →
It is atrocious that we can’t be safe on the street, even though we can be in the Supreme Court. Not only does date rape go on, but marital rape as well. The laws may have changed, but what about the judges and juries?
Not only are women targets for rape, but for other violent crime as well, as Mike pointed out. I can’t help but notice how many detective and thriller novels, movies and TV shows feature a woman as victim. This fits with our culture’s ideal of men protecting and rescuing women, but it also encourages the concept that we’re weak and easily victimized.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 4:02 pm →
@ The Lawyer Mom: “For too many, “date rape” seems to immediately conjure doubt and diminish the credibility of the victim.” I agree. I used the term because it describes the situation I wanted to describe, but I agree – it’s a problematic term.
@ veena: It’s unfair indeed, and I would like to add that since most rapes are done by someone the victim knows, we can never really feel safe or trust anyone completely.
@ Paisley: “The fact that it can happen right in a woman’s own home by somebody she knows is the heartbreaking reality” – I agree, especially since those are the “unprosecutable” cases.
@ Barbara Ling: Thank you for the links. You are very pragmatic when you say that this is our reality and we need to learn to defend ourselves. I agree, but I also think we should strive towards a rape-free society.
@ CK Lunchbox: Wow. Yes, this can happen anywhere, to anyone. I wonder about the sentence he is going to get. Since he murdered her, I’m guessing – hoping – it won’t be the usual 18 months in a local prison (best case scenario here) given to rapists.
@ Davina: I grew up in a city, so I’ve always lived with this fear.
@ Lori: I’m looking forward to your new blog. I learned self-defense years ago, but have never used it in real life (thankfully the need never arose). Since so many years have passed, my skills are too rusty to provide me with any reliable protection.
@ Mike Goad: What you describe – women too afraid to use a local trail to run – is exactly what I’m talking about. It is so limiting.
@ Dot: I agree about the media. When Mike described the jogging trail, I immediately thought about all the TV dramas I saw where a woman jogs alone and becomes a victim of rape or murder.
Jannie Funster responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 4:16 pm →
I was followed once at night walking home in college, waited til I turned a corner, then ran like hell and hid in a wooded area off the street. Luckily I escaped detection but I have not let myself walk alone at night since.
Kelly’s been in Kung Fu almost 2 years now and we told her she can quit when she’s got her first degree black belt or when she turns 18. The brown and black belt material cover a lot of self defense. It’s a grim prospect for a woman to face any kind of attack by a man, but it is a very real possiblilty in this wacky world and tho Kung Fu is not a cure-all there is absolutely no down-side to it and kids learn it so quickly.
Michelle @ Find Your Balance responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 6:42 pm →
You’re right. I get really tired of the catcalls or just-above-a-whisper comments as i walk down the street. I just ignore them entirely but they always bother me. I’m always looking over my shoulder, it’s part of living in a city. Sucks though.
Natural responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 7:24 pm →
i think about this a lot, especially when i’m coming in from parking my car in the driveway – it’s still dark outside, men can hide in the bushes and my neighbor down the street was attacked in her driveway, though not raped thank God, but it’s awful that we have to live in fear like this. woman can’t be out or anywhere they are not “supposed to be” after dark or it just becomes their fault. they were asking for it.
it’s a shame.
giovanna garcia responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 7:50 pm →
When I was in my college days, I took self defense classes and that help me feel a little better. Luckly I never had to use what I learn.
I agree that we are a civilized society, and we should be safe to walk alone.
Thank you for this post. Bringing awareness to this topic is one way to help.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is bettert than No Action
RC Rambling responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 8:45 pm →
I do find it sad that we, as women, are unable to have the same freedoms that many of our male counterparts take for granted.
Should a woman be able to walk alone, after dark, in relative safety? Yes. And luckily, in the area in which I was raised, and then in the city in which I went to college, the reports of rape tended to be extremely low (yes, I’m now aware that many rapes go unreported), so until a few different scary incidents happened to me and other acquaintances, I felt relatively safe and able to enjoy my freedom. However, by the time I hit my mid to late 20s, I no longer felt that sense of freedom – especially sad when you realize that confidence in so many other areas grows as you age.
Some of the incidents:
#1 – In a very small town, in my parent’s backyard, I had a stranger approach me as I took some recyclables to their shed after dark. He ran the other direction as soon as the motion-sensor lights went on, and due to his location, he would have been able to see me when I couldn’t see him (street lights at my back). Because he took off, I knew his approaching me wasn’t an “accident.” (This happened to me as an adult, when my friends and I used to roam the streets at night, as kids, as our parents all knew we were pretty safe in a town of under 2500. Talk about a wake-up call for all of us.)
#2 – A date rape happened to one of my college friends. They guy was good friends with my roommate’s boyfriend. Due to the circumstances, my other friend never pressed charges, and my roommate and her boyfriend never believed the accusation. He was constantly around our college house.
#3 – We’ve had various scary circumstances in parking lots at several places I’ve worked – theft, vandalism, panhandling, attacks, etc…
#4 – The videos and pictures I’ve seen of my various acquaintances – taken when they were so drunk/high they would not have been able to make decisions on their own (think “Girls Gone Wild” type of instances). This cemented the rule that my friends and I had of “if you go out together, you come home together.” Yes, we had an accountability system. And the victims who were filmed/photographed? Usually too embarrassed and wouldn’t do anything about it. I refused to be a victim.
Like so many others, I ask to be walked to my car at night, I travel in groups and guard my drinks excessively on the rare occasions I am out.
I miss the spontaneity and freedom of being young – the feeling so many of my male friends still have.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 25th, 2009 at 9:01 pm →
@ Jannie Funster: “I have not let myself walk alone at night since.” – many women place this limitation on themselves. I am going to look into Kung Fu for my daughters.
@ Michelle: Catcalls are not a compliment. They are a way to humiliate women. It drives me crazy that not all women recognize that.
@ Natural: “my neighbor down the street was attacked in her driveway” – scary.
@ giovanna garcia: “Bringing awareness to this topic is one way to help.” I hope so. I do plan to look into self defense classes for my daughters, and possibly for me.
@ RC Rambling: Wow. Just, wow. Thank you so much for sharing these stories.
“I miss the spontaneity and freedom of being young – the feeling so many of my male friends still have.” Sadly, growing up in a big city, I never had that sense of freedom.
ElderGuru.com responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 4:21 am →
There’s nothing wrong with carrying a little pepper spray, whether your male, female, 16 or 60.
Evelyn Lim responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 5:46 am →
I come from a country that is considered relatively safe. Still a low crime rate does not mean no offenses. I remembered walking once along the main road on my own, when a man suddenly jumped out of the bushes. I believed that he was trying to flash himself. Nope…I didn’t see anything. But I was furious enough to scold him and then walked away fast. Around that period, I happened to be dating a guy who had affiliations to the police. He said that there was no point in me filing a report. The incident was considered too “minor”!
Stacey / Create a Balance responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 6:11 am →
I lived in Baton Rouge in the early 2000′s when a serial killer was on the loose. He raped and killed women in our community. One woman was part of my husband’s science community at the university. It was a terrifying time. All women walked around with mace. They thought the killer drove a white pickup truck, so we were all fearful of white trucks. My fear moved me to call someone (anyone) on my cellphone whenever I was outside by myself (leaving my house, walking to school, etc). Women in Baton Rouge lived in fear. That fear is still with me today. At night (when it is dark) I call my husband to watch me enter the house from the window. It has become a way of life.
apricot tea. responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 10:06 am →
I can definitely relate to this.
On my very first date with Jonathan, I was under the impression that HE was going to attack me. Simply because he wanted me to walk to his apartment to show me a “surprise.” We were walking in the dark, in a city I had never been to, so I was very, very frightened, but trying my best not to show it. I felt like such an idiot in the end, because he ended up taking me to his apartment (where I waited outside, on the phone with my mom, telling her where I was & everything “just in case”) so that he could give me a present: my most favorite book, The Great Gatsby. We joke about this lightly now, & I always tell him that I seriously thought he was going to pull me in a back alley, rape me & kill me.
In spite of it being a joke, the idea that I even THOUGHT of such horrible things happening to me — especially coming from such a sweet, charming man — is very disturbing. A good portion of our first date was ruined by my incessant fear. I hate that it has to be that way.
(While I don’t have any more to say about this subject, I will say that this was a great post, Vered, as per usual. I love coming to your blog. You bring out the budding feminist side of me!)
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 1:13 pm →
@ ElderGuru.com: I can’t argue with that.
@ Evelyn Lim: “He said that there was no point in me filing a report. The incident was considered too “minor”!” The problem is, these people often gradually escalate their crimes.
@ Stacey: “It has become a way of life.” Which is exactly what bothers me. Thank you for sharing your story, Stacey.
@ apricot tea: Awakening your feminist side – I like that.
Thank you for sharing your story! It’s true – our general fear of men, and the general statistics, cause us to fear men who would never hurt us. It’s sad.
Tricia responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 4:55 pm →
My husband and I have this conversation frequently. When I’m out alone he always cautions me to be careful, to be aware, to be street smart, and I resent that I even have to think about it…that my husband worries and feels like he needs to remind me of the unique vulnerability of being female. Of course it’s not okay. Of course we should be able to walk alone…at night, during the day, wearing whatever we want, whenever we want. I don’t want to feel vulnerable, to be vulnerable, but alas, simply because I am a woman, as you pointed out, our vulnerability is very much still a part of the female experience. It makes me angry that in our society we still insist on this barbaric idea that women ask for it…that we have to move heaven and earth to be believed. We’ll never eradicate rape, but we certainly should be doing a much better job than we are of criminalizing it.
rowe responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 5:16 pm →
Violence against another human being, whatever gender or age, in any form is an abuse of basic human rights. What lucky generation will see a safer and more peaceful world where human beings do not see each other as an ‘enemy’ or target for attack.
Another great and thoughtful post, Vered.
Hayden Tompkins responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 5:45 pm →
Wow, I am BUSTED. I always figured my hyper awareness stemmed from growing up in Miami, but after reading this post I realized that the guys I grew up with aren’t like this.
I jokingly call myself our “Chief Tactical and Security Officer” because Chris never really thinks about stuff like this. I’m always advising him that we need to ‘secure the perimeter’ (lock the doors at home or in the car) and I keep watch when we go to the ATM.
If someone has followed me for a while (sometimes it’s a person on a similar route but you can’t always tell) I won’t go home and take a couple of “test” turns to make sure they aren’t following me.
I won’t be changing my habits anytime soon, but you have definitely given me something to think about.
Hayden Tompkins responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 5:47 pm →
@tricia I don’t feel vulnerable when I am on DEFCON 3, I actually feel empowered by taking care of myself and any potential dangerous situations.
Diana responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 6:09 pm →
I hate that this is so true. I don’t like going anywhere at night alone. I have learned that when a man walks toward me in a parking lot, etc, as if to ask for money, I look him directly in the eye, from a distance, and say very loudly “Get away from me!” and I get in my car. Now that some men are using women as bait, I will say the same to a woman who approaches me out of the blue.
There are also less severe forms of danger in male hostility against women… job related harassment that makes your income suffer, stalker ex-husbands, egotistical male relatives that systematically ruin a young woman’s self-esteem.
There is also harassment of women by other women. This happened to me the other night at the grocery store. I was subjected to the most offensive attack of cursing and hostility. Her husband did nothing to curb it and her little daughter looked on. I was shaking and crying after I left the store, as badly as if a man had threatened me. Women are targets in this society. I don’t know why exactly, and I don’t know how to fix it. But the store manager in my case did nothing to help, only diverted the woman away from me and helped her (helped her!) check out.
This is so long because my life has been censored and confined in many ways because of fear. I hate that this is the way it is.
Lance responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 6:59 pm →
Whew. I’ve just spent several minutes reading this post and all the comments. And it makes me realize even more just how unjust this is. And I feel both deep sadness that this exists, and anger that men can get away with this. I live in an extremely safe area, and yet it only takes one incident to change that. In fact, I regularly use a bike/jogging trail in the early morning hours. And it’s not uncommon at all to see single women on there walking/jogging/biking. Especially in the early morning hours, there are very few people on this trail. And it goes through some very wooded areas. And this all makes me wonder – do women feel safe here? I know my wife has used that trail by herself before, although later in the day when it is more populated. And if they feel safe, would one incident completely shatter that feeling of safety? And how close are we from “danger”? Just a couple of days ago I was talking with a friend I know who works with people dealing with teen pregnancy. And she was telling me a story from just this past week – in the neighboring town less than 10 miles away – of a mother who she met on the front step of the lady’s house – a couple of kids in tow – and how she feared going back into the house because her “boyfriend” was forcing sex upon her. My friend is not supposed to transport clients because of liability reasons – and yet – here she couldn’t leave this lady knowing what would happen to her were she to go back into the house. So she took her to the hospital. Because I’m sure we all know what would have happened had she left her – she would have been forced into sex, and nothing would have happened to the “boyfriend”. Sad. And scary. And something I have a hard time fathoming. And this is just down the road a few miles from where women in my community feel “safe” and okay being out in secluded areas by themselves. So, I hear stories like this, and all of a sudden – it doesn’t feel quite so safe here anymore…for my wife, for my friends, for my daughter…
Cath Lawson responds:
Posted: April 26th, 2009 at 10:06 pm →
Hi Vered – That is awful, Zan must have been terrified. Many violent attacks go unpunished in the UK – not just rape. The attack that left me with a scar and unable to work for a long time was done by 7 women. Only one of them was punished and it wasn’t a prison sentence – just a small fine and a few hours community service. At the appeal, the judge actually made me feel it was all my fault.
And at around the same time, the same judge told a rape victim that it was her own fault she was raped. Unlike me, she did something about it – she got onto national tv and told her story.
AmandaBlogandKiss responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 3:25 am →
apricottea’s message had to make me chuckle (because I’ve read on her blog how tight of a couple they are now), but then it got me to thinking of the male perspective, and how it must feel for them to always be looked at suspiciously. I know guys who have said that if they encounter a woman walking late at night, they will cross the road out of fear of being thought of as a potential rapist. This can’t be easy for them either.
Clearly we have a problem all around.
Thanks for this post, very engaging.
Adrenalynn responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 4:05 am →
This is such an important issue. I’ve gotten so used to hearing about assaults on women that I’ve stopped questioning this reality we live in- that women have to live with this fear. I never walk alone at night. I am constantly afraid for my children when we’re in public places. I’ve actually gotten so used to this having this fear in the back of my mind that whenever a man behaves inappropriately towards me, like talks to me in a demeaning manner or touches me inappropriately (which happens OFTEN, at least a couple of times a week and every single time I go out), I don’t really take any notice of it because he didn’t physically hurt me. It’s not right, but it’s the world we live in. Thanks for opening a discussion on this!
Writer Dad responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 7:17 am →
Rape and child molestation, life in prison at least.
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 9:20 am →
I am very concerned about this issue but don’t personally feel that much fear. But then I am rarely out at night. About 10 years ago I had classes or worked til 9 so had to take the subway a couple of stops and then walk to my apartment. One time a man came up next to me and I boldly said, “If you eff with me you’re dead” and he took off. I was probably very lucky. I am still hyper-aware of my surroundings – it’s almost second nature.
I’m a little concerned about some of the comments that say I live somewhere safe or I don’t live in the city but I’m still afraid. Obviously, cities have more crime because there are more people but it doesn’t mean it makes it more ok for the crime to occur or that you are instantly less safe.
It’s interesting that the focus is on women adapting their behaviors rather than society looking at ways of making men change their behaviors. But society doesn’t seem to take it that seriously – how often do you hear jokes made about not being to pick up the soap in prison? Even if you are a criminal and in prison doesn’t mean that should be a victim of rape but society seems to think somehow that this is funny.
Anonymous responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 11:36 am →
I don’t think the fear of walking alone at night is exclusively female. As a 27 year old man I too avoid walking alone at night, as do all of my male and female friends. It simply makes sense not to put yourself in a dangerous situation when it could otherwise be avoided. Though I’m sure the fear of rape is greater for females, that doesn’t mean men aren’t just as concerned about getting robbed, mugged, kidnapped, or murdered. And, the fear of being raped IS there for men. Our current society likes to ignore male rape victims, largely thanks to the *false* belief that men always want sex with anyone, but really, although women are more likely to be raped than men, a rape should be treated just as seriously if the victim is male as it is when the victim is female.
I think it’s a bad idea to create a “Male vs Female” mentality in society. The gender war has become so prevalent lately that many people take it for granted. Although you offer a disclaimer about this not being an attack on men, your article very much implies that women are the only ones who arrange their lives to avoid dangerous situations and that men are the only ones putting them in danger. They aren’t, and they aren’t. Women can be criminals and men can be victims. Let’s stop dividing ourselves based on gender and instead focus on how we can all keep ourselves and each other as safe as possible.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 12:21 pm →
@ Tricia: “We’ll never eradicate rape, but we certainly should be doing a much better job than we are of criminalizing it.” I agree.
@ rowe: Lucky generation indeed, IF it ever happens.
@ Hayden Tompkins: I grew up in a city too, and I am highly aware too – not just of the possibility of rape but of crime in general.
@ Diana: “Women are targets in this society. I don’t know why exactly, and I don’t know how to fix it.” Sadly, it’s true. I have read somewhere that women are more vulnerable online too, so if one chooses to blog anonymously, it’s a good idea to blog under a male identity.
@ Lance: “And if they feel safe, would one incident completely shatter that feeling of safety?” Yes, it would. I live in a safe town (just one REPORTED rape in 2006 and 2007), but I still don’t take anything for granted.
@ Cath Lawson: “The attack that left me with a scar and unable to work for a long time was done by 7 women.” Have you ever told your story, Cath? I think you should, even if you don’t name names.
@ AmandaBlogandKiss: I agree – this is a problem for honest males too, and it is of course a problem for fathers and husbands. Still, the main victims here are women.
@ Adrenalynn: “whenever a man behaves inappropriately towards me, like talks to me in a demeaning manner or touches me inappropriately (which happens OFTEN, at least a couple of times a week and every single time I go out) – WOW. This is totally unacceptable. You’re in Norway, right? I thought society there was more enlightened.
@ Writer Dad: It will be a long time before this is the case for rape, if at all.
@ Kim Woodbridge: “It’s interesting that the focus is on women adapting their behaviors rather than society looking at ways of making men change their behaviors.” I agree, and while I think women should take control and learn self defense etc., I also think in a way this is shifting the responsibility back to the victim.
@ Anonymous: While I completely agree that a rape should be treated very seriously if the victim is male, I have to say that in many cases, a rape of a female is not taken very seriously (after all, this is what vaginas are for), so I’m not sure a male who was raped would want his case to be taken “AS seriously.”
“Women can be criminals and men can be victims.” – true, but statistically, and as far as rape goes (since this articles deals with rape, after all), wouldn’t you agree that the vast majority of rapists are male and the vast majority of rape victims are female?
The “gender war” is very real, and women are losing. I will not ignore it or pretend like it doesn’t exist.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 3:12 pm →
Hi Vered: On Thursday of last week I was leaning over my balcony at 11:00 p.m. watering some plants I have on the window ledge. I looked over to my right where they’re constructing a building and the security guard was standing on the floor at the same level as mine (I could see him clearly since they hadn’t completely constructed the wall) and he was masturbating as he watched me water the plants. It was very, very disturbing. For the past few nights I’ve been very uncomfortable when I water my plants.
Diana responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 5:26 pm →
Marelisa I hope you call the police! That is illegal as well as disgusting.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 7:07 pm →
@ Marelisa: Wow. That’s really disturbing. I would feel uncomfortable too. What an ugly violation of you as a human being rather than an image used in a sexual fantasy. Sigh. I’m sure masturbating in public is illegal, so Diana’s suggestion to involve the police isn’t a bad one, although I’m also pretty sure they would just shrug it off and say there’s nothing they can do unless he’s caught while doing it.
Patricia responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 8:33 pm →
Vered,
Another good post and important discussion here. Isn’t it interesting that everyone has a story and fear about this subject or attacks and violence?
I had all three of my girls take Karate – two finished Black Belts the third refused and she is the most vulnerable.
During graduate school I was taking an exam with only 50 men in the room… the professor came up behind me working hard on the exam and stuck his hand down my blouse and grabbed my breast. I shot up with my other hand in a fist and smashed my fist into his jaw – sending his teeth through his tongue and fracturing his jaw bone. Not one male in that room would testify on my behalf and I was not allowed to remain in that discipline or do an internship in counseling for my lack of anger management. You see everyone has a story.
When my daughter must walk home at 10pm from her Library job on campus back East…she calls me on her cell phone and I walk home with her. I hope this is a form of protection?
It is my best effort for her
Diana responds:
Posted: April 27th, 2009 at 9:03 pm →
“I’m also pretty sure they would just shrug it off and say there’s nothing they can do unless he’s caught while doing it.” I bet you’re right and I’m appalled by the thought! Why, as in the earlier comment, is her word against his not enough? If she says “I saw that man kill someone” they would listen right? Is this some protective mechanism for men in the judicial system? Boys will be boys?
Dr. J responds:
Posted: April 28th, 2009 at 5:50 am →
We recently had a brutal rape in neighborhood previously considered very safe. It was horrible. The entire town pulled together with many activities to both help the victim and try to prevent anything like this in the future. I don’t know if it will help, but we are trying.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 28th, 2009 at 9:48 am →
@ Patricia: Wow. Yes, everyone has a story and your story is terrible.
@ Diana: “Is this some protective mechanism for men in the judicial system? Boys will be boys?” Sadly, I would have to say it is.
@ Dr. J: “We recently had a brutal rape in neighborhood previously considered very safe.” As mentioned here before, it only take one such case to plant the fear. It also shows that no place is truly safe.
Chris responds:
Posted: April 28th, 2009 at 10:59 am →
Unfortunately rape still occurs in societies where women are all covered up…I honestly don’t think rape will be eradicate or even lessen. So what can a woman or a person do to prevent such a thing from happening? Be vigilant and prepared because rape can happen anywhere even at the safety of your own home with your own family.
Sara at On Simplicity responds:
Posted: April 28th, 2009 at 2:49 pm →
I absolutely change my habits and edit my behaviors in ways I shouldn’t have to. Evening walks alone? Sounds lovely, but not worth the risk. And it’s definitely not tied to any geographic location or population size. From college towns to big cities to small communities, the fear is the same.
The pressure to be “nice” is also a part of problem that gets downplayed. I’ve been called a number of choice names for telling guys in clubs to back off, but I’m sure they’d tell their sisters and girlfriends to do the exact same thing. We face dangerous consequences when we’re not aggressive enough, but we also face social consequences when we’re too aggressive.
Tess The Bold Life responds:
Posted: April 28th, 2009 at 6:21 pm →
It’s just so wrong and so sad. Porn adds to the problem by glamorizing rape. Young boys and men get the idea women mean yes even when they so no from porn.
Jannie responds:
Posted: April 28th, 2009 at 6:40 pm →
I resisted my husband on the martial arts because the ballet outfits and the whole idea of dance was so great. Not that there is anything wrong with dance — believe me!
But… when Kelly, at age 5, started treating the dance as a social hour instead of paying attention, it was probably a blessing that switched her to the Kung Fu.
If you find a martial arts place you like, it is such a great thing in many many respects. Karate, Judo, etc are probalby good too if the people running it are a good fit for your daughters. Whatever you find that you like, I highly recommend it. I took a few Kung Fu classes myself but cannot commit to it right now. Because when I commit to something I go whole hog. Have other hogs to fry right now!
Adrenalynn responds:
Posted: April 29th, 2009 at 4:16 am →
Vered; “You’re in Norway, right? I thought society there was more enlightened.”
True, we have come a long way in this country, especially when it comes to equal pay and women in government and higher positions in large companies, etc. But we definitely have big issues in other layers of society, and we currently see a lot of sexual-related crime. We too have low conviction rates for rape, and short sentences. And the very high number of immigrants in our larger cities is honestly contributing to the problem. Not to mention the fact that we have a VERY poor drinking culture. But of course, my uncomfortable experiences with certain men are not in any way as horrible as the terrible crimes we are discussing here, I just wanted to comment on the fact that we seem to be getting so used to men treating us badly.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 29th, 2009 at 9:37 am →
@ Chris: “rape can happen anywhere” – true. Most rapes are done by someone the woman knows.
@ Sara: “We face dangerous consequences when we’re not aggressive enough, but we also face social consequences when we’re too aggressive.” This is a very important observation. Personally, I’d rather be aggressive. The older I get, the less I care about “being nice.”
@ Tess: Porn is extremely dangerous. It amazes me that it’s legal.
@ Jannie: “Because when I commit to something I go whole hog. Have other hogs to fry right now!” Yup, sounds familiar.
@ Adrenalynn: Thanks for adding this info! For some reason I had an image of Scandinavia as being a great place for women, and in many respects I’m sure it is, but it’s interesting to learn that even there, sexual crimes are “acceptable” on some level.
J.D. Meier responds:
Posted: April 29th, 2009 at 10:31 am →
I came across some articles on the survivor mindset.
What’s interesting about the survivor mindset is that you can dramatically increase or reduce your chances of being a victim by adopting a survivor mindset and some simple changes in behavior. It’s based on lots of analysis as well as experience from professionals that share the patterns they’ve learned over a lifetime of focus.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: April 29th, 2009 at 1:34 pm →
Hi Vered: I have to completely disagree with this line: “What an ugly violation of you as a human being rather than an image used in a sexual fantasy.” Something like that did not even occur to me. I thought it was disgusting, but I don’t care one bit what might have been going on in the mind of that filthy man.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: April 29th, 2009 at 1:37 pm →
@ J.D. Meier: then I guess women are simply adapting, but I would still want our reality to be different.
@ Marelisa: Point taken. I think I would have felt violated, but I can see your point.
Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
Posted: April 30th, 2009 at 5:03 pm →
I am so glad you posted this article, Vered because it is true that the threat of rape is something all women live with in every country in the world. And the truly sad thing is we have no idea how prevalent it really is because reporting rates are so low. Why are reporting rates so low? Because all women know they will have an up-hill battle to get any kind of justice. Plus, you will be humiliated and scorned and every facet of your character and behaviour scrutinized. It’s a wonder anyone reports a sexual assualt.
I think in some ways we get more cautious about this the older we get. Probably because we have lived more and know what can happen. I think back to when I was a teenager and in my twenties and I used to walk home drunk all the time after a big night out. Now, I do acknowledge that I didn’t live anywhere with a high crime, and even Sydney felt safe to me as long as I was on the major roads where other people were also congregating. But still I took a lot of risks when I was out clubbing – went home with strangers, taking drugs and generally getting incapacitated. Now, I can’t imagine doing any of those things and if I ever found myself single again, I wonder how I would cope with the whole trust issue in dating. Apricot Tea’s story about her and Jonathan made me laugh, but it is depressing too.
That said, I am confident that I know how to defend myself to some extent and I grew up pretty street wise so I can tell you that attitude really goes a long way in preventing attacks from strangers and people you know. A police officer told me when I was quite young that rapists and criminals will usually go for the easy target and it’s your job to make sure that’s not you. Sounds cold, doesn’t it? But I have found it to be true. For that reason I always walk with a confident,long stride, hold my head up, keep myself informed of what and who is around me, automatically assess the danger level of different areas, and if someone is watching me I will usually turn and stare back. Most men don’t like the boldness. It’s the same with sleazy men – you have to cut them down politely but firmly asap. And if they persist, you have to let them know you will call a bouncer over or call the police. And any time you do have a problem with someone when you’re out, make sure that when you leave you take extra precautions and are not alone for even a minute.
I wish I didn’t have to know how to handle myself, I wish the world wasn’t like this. But it is. And as long as we continue to objectify women in the media, have role models who are suspected rapists (Australian footballers are atrocious) and encourage girls to trade on their bodies to get by in life, then sexual assault is here to stay. The bets we can do is be parents who raise our boys to respect women and our girls to respect and protect themselves.
Kelly@SHE-POWER
MomGrind responds:
Posted: May 1st, 2009 at 11:04 am →
@ Kelly: “The best we can do is be parents who raise our boys to respect women and our girls to respect and protect themselves.” I completely agree. Of course, not everyone will do that, which is why it’s a good idea to make sure our daughters learn self defense and learn not to be too trusting from a very young age.
Blogger Dad responds:
Posted: May 2nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm →
I once worked with a man from another country where they stone women who are raped, as these women (and girls) are thought to have brought it upon themselves. I tried to find out his rationale for such beliefs. He said it was the way of his religion to blame the woman. She provoked the unclean thoughts in the men who raped her. Oddly, as religious as this country and its occupants are, rape happens a lot there. We had a rather heated debate where I tried to change his mind and point out the lack of logic, but I failed to win him over.
Not on a rant against religion, as it is not the problem here. However, it seems to me that rape happens more in repressed societies where women are shamed into hiding themselves (so as not to arouse a man). I’m not sure what the ideal situation would be to prevent people from being savage. No person should have to feel the fear of being violated in any matter, particularly rape.
From conversations I’ve had with law enforcement officials, one of the problems regarding serial rapists and murderers is that the law doesn’t do enough when these people begin showing indications that they are likely to go down such a path. And all too often, they do start with something smaller, and gradually step up their violence.
Many of these people start by breaking into homes, stalking, beating or groping women. These people should be locked up the minute they cross the line. And depending on the severity of their crime, they should either be counseled and closely watched or locked up for life so they never have the chance to harm anybody.
I agree with the people who have posted here about the importance of learning to protect yourselves. Many local law agencies offer self protection programs for women. If your town doesn’t, call your local law enforcement public information officer and inquire about starting one.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: May 3rd, 2009 at 9:32 pm →
@ Blogger Dad: “Oddly, as religious as this country and its occupants are, rape happens a lot there.” Not odd at all. But as you say, we shouldn’t get into a rant against religion here.
I found out today there’s a Karate center fairly close to where I live. I am going to look into enrolling my daughters, and possibly taking lessons too, if they offer adult lessons. It’s been a while since I practiced self defense.
Blogger Dad responds:
Posted: May 4th, 2009 at 2:34 am →
Karate is an excellent idea! Not only does it teach you self defense, but also self control and gives you self confidence. Great!
Glad my comment didn’t offend. I was worried about posting on such a subject.
Zandria responds:
Posted: May 5th, 2009 at 9:47 am →
Hey! I was an example! Sweeeeet. I’m glad I helped with the subject of your blog post.
Bloggers Who Quit | responds:
Posted: May 7th, 2009 at 8:09 pm →
[...] But it looks like Lori is going to return to blogging soon, as she explains in a recent comment on this [...]
SavingDiva responds:
Posted: May 18th, 2009 at 7:45 am →
I’ve had a few friends that have been victims of date-rape. One didn’t report it because she didn’t think anyone would believe her. The second girl tried to report it, but they thought she was lying because she had known the guy for years.
As a woman, I don’t like that I don’t feel comfortable walking alone at night…but I don’t know what I can do to help.
Michael responds:
Posted: May 18th, 2009 at 8:02 am →
Not sure how to say this…
As a woman is physically smaller and weaker than a man, she is at a disadvantage when alone with a man. If she knows karate, good for her – until she’s attacked by a man who also knows karate. Men and women are not equal here, so why worry oneself wishing the facts away?
I got an award, now pass it on to others | Tomasz Gorecki | Debt In Your 20's Is The Kiss of Death responds:
Posted: May 19th, 2009 at 8:47 am →
[...] Recent post Fear of rape [...]
10 Ways To Hate Yourself As A Woman | responds:
Posted: June 7th, 2009 at 7:28 pm →
[...] Remember that when a woman is raped, it’s no big deal and she probably brought it on herself. After all, that’s why we have [...]
Lucia responds:
Posted: June 16th, 2009 at 6:52 pm →
Its unfortunate women have to live in fear.
this is why i love living in a rural community, its slightly less likely that you’ll get raped… i feel a little safer when people arent constantly staring at me. i wont walk around a city without my fiance
and i was molested when i was younger, so this is kind of a sore subject for me , but the person who did it to me was a woman. So sometimes i feel like i cant trust a man or a woman.
either way what i really hate is when they say its the womans fault for dressing “sexy”. Come on, that is the dumbest argument. Guys need to keep it in their pants.
Thank God for all the sweet guys out there who would never dream of hurting a woman. we need more of you.
Ten Ways To Love Yourself As A Woman - Blogger For Hire responds:
Posted: July 28th, 2009 at 12:03 am →
[...] Take a self-defense class. It’s a great exercise, and the skills you acquire could empower you in dangerous [...]
Abby responds:
Posted: February 18th, 2010 at 9:54 pm →
I definetly agree that part of the fear is because of society.
I read Speak when I was 11; it’s about a freshman girl who gets raped at a party after 8th grade and her terrible experience and how he still controls her. I learned what the word rape meant watching Law and Order SVU when I was 8.
Rape is everywhere…constantly making people aware of it, and especially telling young girls that there are rapists on every corner is going to breed fear in their minds. 6th graders shouldn’t even know what it is, much less be surrounded by the looming idea of it everyday. It’s on TV, in movies, in books…and then there’s the casual use of it in schools. I’m 14, and people at school often say, “oh, look out or I’ll rape you,” like a joke. It’s not a joke. I’m afraid of it, of the thought that out of 6 of my friends, one is likely to be a victim.
Last summer I had 3 seasons of SVU that I would watch at night when I was bored. I didn’t notice the effect on me until it was too late. And now, even the mention of rape sends shudders down my spine.
I haven’t been raped, or assaulted or anything that would lead to this kind of fear as a natural result. Only being told about the constant risk everywhere has seriously shocked some craziness into me.
International Women’s Day 2010 | Blogger For Hire responds:
Posted: March 8th, 2010 at 12:32 am →
[...] the right to vote or for the right to own property but for rights such as the right to be free of gender-based violence, for the right to be treated equally in the workplace, and for the right to be treated with respect [...]
Cassie responds:
Posted: March 29th, 2010 at 10:23 am →
This makes me so angry my skin feels like it’s burning. the worst part? i have no idea what to do about it.
however! i will say one thing, to all women who ever find themselves in a scary situation where you know something is about to happen if you don’t do something: FIGHT! Fight like you’ve never fought before. Fight like your life depends on it. Fight like you know it will work. Don’t doubt yourself for a second, because that’s all it takes. Even if you know nothing about self defense, even if he’s twice your size, even if he has a group of friends circling you, even if you can’t think straight, just FIGHT! The only time I would advise against that is if he has a weapon in a position where you know he could very quickly kill you.. in that case I’d advise choosing life. In any other case, you should fight. I fought. A guy at a club tried to dance with me when I was leaving the bathroom, when I refused he held onto me, when I tried to push away he pulled me closer and started dragging me to the back of the room, his friends circled around us so no one else could see. I squirmed, I yelled, I elbowed, I punched him several times as hard as I could and he let go. He called me a bitch and a tease, but he let go. Suddenly the little 100 lb girl all alone in the back of the club wasn’t such an easy target after all. FIGHT! Be angry, ladies. It’s useful. Believe me.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: March 29th, 2010 at 5:33 pm →
Thank you so much, Cassie, for sharing your story.