Happily Ever After
“And they lived happily ever after.”
Oh, PLEASE.
We all know better than that.
50% of American marriages end in divorce. But even the marriages that do survive are not always happy. Marriages, just like life, have stages. They change and develop and present us with many different challenges, year after year.
Marriages CAN be very happy and fulfilling, of course, and they often add a lot of joy and contentment to our lives. But it’s important to realize that when you get married, you don’t enter a constant state of bliss. A lot of work is needed to maintain a good marriage, and there are going to be bumps along the way, even in the happiest of marriages.
I’ve been married for 16 years now. I’ve been a mother for the past nine years. I’ve been blessed with a good, stable marriage. I love my husband. Ours is the kind of love that keeps growing and deepening over the years. But by now I know better than to think that a good marriage “just happens,” or that being a wife and a mother is “easy.”
Nava Atlas knows it too. Happily married and the mother of two kids, she too has been blessed with a good relationship, yet she’s smart enough to realize she can’t take any of it for granted. Nava is also bold enough to admit out loud that marriage is sometimes challenging, and motherhood is often exhausting.
In her book, “Secret Recipes for the Modern Wife,”
I was 22 when I got married. Reading through the book’s first few recipes, which call for ingredients such as “sugarcoated wedding fantasies,” “6 cups of novelty” and a “small dollop of reality,” I smiled. This is exactly how marriage starts for most of us.
One of my favorite “recipes” is the “What a Turkey Noodle Soup” recipe, that captures what happens to many women, who are perfectly fine with eating yogurt for dinner, yet find themselves in charge of cooking elaborate dinners once they are married. Can you say “resentment?”
Another favorite: “Gender Role Casserole,” that illustrates the transition of most of us – regardless of how career-oriented or ambitious we are – into the role of motherhood. Our careers almost always get pushed to the back burner while we focus on motherhood, at least for a few years.
Other young-mother-recipes address the common issues of motherly guilt, and of putting everyone’s needs before ours.
Fast forward a few years. Many of us find ourselves exhausted, completely overwhelmed, and often full of resentment. Recipes such as “Completely Fried Wife with Toast of Total Exhaustion” and “Bland, Boring Bean Pots” illustrate these issues beautifully.
I pretty much skipped the third part of the book, “Recipes for Disaster,” which address betrayal, divorce and rebuilding your life. Yes, I refuse to acknowledge this could ever happen to me. But of course, it could.
The book’s final recipe, “Happily Ever After Ambrosia,” sounds a lot like my mom, who has been happily married for forty years now. The recipe calls for “The stuff that makes marriage most delectable” and suggests ingredients such as “Affection and mutual respect,” “Security and support,” “Children who turn out well,” and “Lasting love and happiness.”
Clearly, Nava Atlas is a cautious optimist rather than a bitter pessimist. She believes that marriage CAN lead to happiness. She just refuses to sugarcoat the reality of the many challenges we must face along the way.
I loved reading “Secret Recipes for the Modern Wife”
Do you believe in marriage?
—
This article, “Happily Ever After,” is a paid review of the book “Secret Recipes for the Modern wife” by Nava Atlas. It also contains affiliate links to the book’s page on Amazon. If you decide to click over and make a purchase, I earn a small percentage.
In the photo: Happy on my wedding day, 16 years ago.
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Dr. J responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 10:19 am →
For a while now I’ve felt the marraige vows should be changed to “for a litrtle worse or a lot worse!” Hey, I’m an idealistic realist
Mike Goad responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 11:24 am →
Always have — but, being the product of a broken home when divorce was not the norm, I had “good” examples of how not to do it.
It hasn’t always been perfect, but it’s been stable and “normal” — for us. I didn’t do things with the guys, except for a few hunting and fishing trips in the 70s. Most of the time we did — and do — things together.
Dot responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 11:27 am →
I consider marriage an option, but I don’t know if I’d say I “believe in” marriage. Most people have the option to marry or stay single. When i was little, it was the time of the Doris Day/Rock Hudson dating comedies, which are so unrealistic today, but which formed a lot of my beliefs when I was a little girl. I have a much different view of marriage now, and a much different view of what I want. I didn’t so much want to marry the men I married, as I thought I ought to be married. Just like I thought I ought to like diamonds (I don’t). I think about Monica’s wail on Friends, when she’s saying goodbye to her roommate Rachel, “Now I have to live with a boyyyyy!” I haven’t found a “boy” I want to live with, but I haven’t written off the idea either.
Tara@Sticky Fingers responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:02 pm →
I totally believe in marriage, Vered. I believe that if you enter into it you should do so in the belief that it isn’t going to be all wine and roses and that you will have to work to make it succeed.
I come from a broken home (my parents divorced when I was 10 and then my mum again when I was 17 and I was utterly devestated, both times) and so it wasn’t something I went into lightly.
My husband and I were together for 10 years before we actually decided to wed! Had to be sure he was the right one.
We’ve been married now for nearly 8 years and no it hasn’t always been easy. Having two children makes it tough. Changing as a person when those children come into the world makes it tough. Having to adapt to life as they grow up makes it tough.
But my husband is totally my best friend. And I utterly respect him – even if I don’t always agree with him!
And I LOVE that photo of your wedding day Vered. Just gorgeous.
Lance responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:07 pm →
Hi Vered,
I do believe in marriage – although I don’t see it as the only way. For me, married 15 years, it’s been wonderful. Although there have definitely been moments, moments that have challenged us as a couple – the vows we took have deep meaning for us. In good times and in bad…we have moved forward. And like you Vered, our love and our bond has gotten stronger as we’ve been together.
Kathy | Virtual Impax responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:13 pm →
Almost a quarter of a century ago, I amused everyone at my wedding rehearsal when I “choked” upon the “for richer – or poorer” part of our wedding vows. Three kids, five moves (one across country), seven therapists and countless dogs, cats and guinea pigs later, we’re still married. While our marriage has survived 24 years, 7 months and 19 days (but hey, who’s counting), I had no idea the depth or breadth of the experiences those vows we exchanged would encompass.
Do I believe in marriage? You bet! However, I now look in awestruck wonder at the men and women who celebrate 4 or more decades of “wedded bliss”… because I know that most of the time – the “bliss” is few and far between. Instead of seeing love struck idealists – I see grizzled warriors who have taken every thing life has thrown at them and they’re still standing.
I’m with Dot – I recoil in horror at many of the modern “dating/romance” stories of our day. From reading the titles of the book chapters, it seems the author is better acquainted with the gritty realities of marriage than Hollywood’s writers are. Then again – reality doesn’t sell books OR movies.. and contrary to popular belief is NOT portrayed as often as advertised on television either!
With chapters like “Completely Fried Wife with Toast of Total Exhaustion” and “Bland, Boring Bean Pots”… it sounds like a nice dose of reality in an unreal world!
Lori Hoeck responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:14 pm →
Wonderful wedding photo!
I believe wholeheartedly in marriage — 16 years this September for Greg and I. We married — first time for both of us — in our thirties after watching our friends’ marriages crash and burn, so we entered into the vows with a lot more wisdom and awareness than most. The book sounds excellent! Thank you for the review, Vered. I also highly recommend learning about the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for saner, safer, and soothing marriages.
The Lawyer Mom responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:24 pm →
All can take heart, though, with this empty-nester myth-busting statistic: married couples get happier when the children leave for college. (My son is too young for me to imagine this is true . . . but I hope it is)
Sleepless Night - Blogger For Hire responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:38 pm →
[...] — Related Reading: Happily Ever After [...]
Finding Happiness - Blogger For Hire responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:41 pm →
[...] Reading: Happily Ever After Why People Are Unhappy How To Be [...]
Tess The Bold Life responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:42 pm →
I was married and pregnant at 17 and within 4 years I had 4 daughters, third pregnancy twins. I’m still married 37 1/2 years later. Making your marriage work and raising children are very difficult but amazingly rewarding. Today My husband and daughters are my closest friends. Also enjoying 3 adorable grandchildren.
No matter what happens in my life I have built a life time of support around me. I’m not against other living arrangements. Marriage has worked for me.
Oh and this is NOT a “happy ever after” story. Fairy tales are just that fairy tales.
Good post…sounds like a great book!
Ev`Yan || apricot tea. responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:47 pm →
You look stunning in your wedding photo!
& yes, I believe in marriage, with every ounce of my being. I refuse — like you — to believe that divorce can happy to me & Jonathan, though I’m aware it very well could. Both of our parents divorced; mine divorced 3 years ago, his when he was 14-15; for different reasons of course. My parents divorced because of my father’s constant infidelity with a girl who is my age (I’ll be 22, my father will be 50 next year). Needless to say, I REFUSE to let my marriage turn out that way. I refuse to make the same mistakes & misconceptions. While I don’t know everything that went on in my parent’s marriage, I know enough to know that I won’t let those things happen to me — or at least I’ll try my damnedest.
Seeing others stay married for decades & decades — even reading a few comments left here — gives me hope that not ALL marriages have to be lost in divorce. I think a lot of people go into marriage with the idea of “divorce” being a way out, regardless if they use it or not. I won’t accept divorce as a method out. There is no method out. I took my vows quite seriously, & The D Word isn’t in our vocabulary… well, maybe sometimes, when we’re joking around. ;]
& this book sounds very interesting. I just might check it out. Thanks Vered.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:50 pm →
@ Dr. J: I am too.
@ Mike Goad: I didn’t realize your parents were divorced. It must have been hard back then.
@ Dot: “I didn’t so much want to marry the men I married, as I thought I ought to be married.” I guess many of our life decisions are based on what we feel we are expected to do, rather than on what we want to do.
@ Tara: Kids do change relationships. It’s one of the biggest tests a relationship has to go through.
@ Lance: When marriage works, it’s beautiful.
@ Kathy: I agree that marriage often feels like a struggle. I too look at old couples with awe and admiration.
@ Lori Hoeck: So we’ve both been married for sixteen years…
@ The Lawyer Mom: makes sense. Children put a lot of stress on a marriage – emotionally and financially.
@ Tess: Wow. Your life story is fascinating. I ‘m guessing that many people around you never expected your marriage to survive for so long, since you married so young.
@ Ev’Yan: I used to work as a divorce attorney. In my experience, most of those who view divorce as a way out from marriage difficulties, simply find themselves in the exact same place with their new partner, once novelty wears off.
Writer Dad responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 12:56 pm →
I’m married and loving it. We are happier than most, but to say it isn’t work is a ridiculous statement with an exponent attached. All relationships take work. Marriage is a relationship forever drawing breath, how could it not require work of the highest order?
Positively Present responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 1:06 pm →
I believe that marriage is the right choice for some people, but not for all people. As the tagline of my blog suggests, I believe in living happily ever after now — not at some point in the future. We all have the ability to be happy right now, and we don’t need to wait for a significant other to have the “happily ever after.”
Poochie responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 1:58 pm →
I believe in marriage. I think the hardest part is understanding yourself and how hard you can be to live with. That is key before committing to a marriage
Tanya responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 2:04 pm →
I think that one of the problems with today’s marriages is people are getting married knowing that if it doesn’t turn out the way they like, they could always get a divorce. The attitude is not “forever”, but “forever unless it doesn’t work out”. And with so many divorces, people see nothing wrong with that attitude. If they feel their needs are not satisfied, divorce is a quick option.
Where I grew up, divorces were viewed almost as a disaster (mostly for a woman). Maybe this is why I grew up knowing that divorse would never be an option for me. I now understand that this is naive, and the main reason me and my husband stay together is because we love each other and willing to work out our problems. But if you go into marriage with “forever” attitude, you are less fixed on your own needs and more on how to keep the marriage work.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 3:31 pm →
@ Writer Dad: “We are happier than most, but to say it isn’t work is a ridiculous statement” – this is exactly how I feel.
@ Positively Present: “we don’t need to wait for a significant other to have the “happily ever after.” – absolutely.
@ Poochie: Good advice.
@ Tanya: Some couples do seek a divorce rather than work on their marital problems.
Kristin T. (@kt_writes) responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 3:40 pm →
As someone who has experienced divorce, I can attest first-hand that life doesn’t always turn out picture-perfect, like you imagine on your wedding day. During the first few years after my divorce, I was very cynical about the idea of marriage. While I imagined I would eventually be in another long-term relationship, I didn’t see the point of formally tying the knot again.
Well, a number of things shifted within me, corresponding with events that happened in my life, and I fully believe in marriage again. I even *got* married again, two years ago! I now realize that marriage is like a lot of things in life: there’s certainly potential for the mediocre and even the miserable, but that doesn’t mean the entire concept should be thrown out. That just means we have to keep working at it and defining it in ways that are meaningful to us, as we go.
My mix of experiences has inspired me to do a lot of writing on the topic of marriage and divorce, so I’m really looking forward to checking out this book—even the “Recipes for Disaster.”
(And I agree—that’s a wonderful wedding photo!)
Kristin T. (@kt_writes) responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 3:51 pm →
Also, I just read Tanya’s comment and feel the need to respond.
While I’m sure there are some people who go into marriage thinking “forever unless it doesn’t work out,” I can assure you that I know many divorced people and not ONE of them felt that way. An essay I wrote was recently published in the anthology “Ask Me About My Divorce: Women Open Up About Moving On,” and I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know many of the other authors and hearing many divorce stories. Your description of divorce does not match any of the stories I’ve heard.
Here’s my own story: My parents are still married, my first husband’s parents are still married, my new husband’s parents are still married, and his ex-wife’s parents are still married. We were all raised in Christian households and are still very much involved in church communities. We also all have children from our first marriages. Divorce was NEVER something we thought of as “a quick option” or an easy way out. It was NEVER something easily accepted by our families or communities, and it came after YEARS of counseling and work, and plenty of rejection by people who supposedly loved us.
Please don’t perpetuate the myth that people who get divorced just didn’t try hard enough, or went into marriage casually.
Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 3:54 pm →
I believe in marriage for me for this stage in my life, but don’t think it’s the only recipe for happy and fulfilling togetherness. I have been married for almost 11 years now and it definitely hasn’t been a bed of roses. People change and it is hard sometimes to reconcile who you were with who you are now. It takes maturity, enormous commitment and a desire to be happy together more than you need to be right.
If I ever did get divorced I can’t see myself marrying again. I don’t think it’s the only way to express your commitment to each other, though for me I wouldn’t have had children I don’t think without marriage. I don’t even know why I say that, just know it to be true. Marriage WITH kids feels more stable, though of course it is not necessarily so. I have known people with little regard for their marriage vows and people who have been together for 20 years although they will probably never marry (my dad and stepmother).
What I know about marriage most of all is it is not an endless wedding day. It’s not glamorous and feeling like a princess, it’s hard work. But if you stick it out, it’s worth it.
Kelly
Carla responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 7:59 pm →
I was married from 1999 – 2002 no kids (married at age 20) and even after the divorce, I still believed in it. I was the wife who did everything for everyone else except herself. I thought I had to compromise everything, work full-time while he sat at home and did nothing (despite our age difference). I only left when I knew my life was in danger. I don’t know how much longer I would have stayed otherwise. I know better now!
At this point in my life, even though I am engaged, I don’t think marriage and kids is the be all end all of life. I don’t care if we never tie the knot as long as we are committed to each other. I don’t even believe in monogamy anymore. Any commitment: married or partnered, civil union, etc takes work.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 8:19 pm →
@ Kristin: “marriage is like a lot of things in life: there’s certainly potential for the mediocre and even the miserable, but that doesn’t mean the entire concept should be thrown out.” This is exactly how I feel.
Also, thank you for sharing your own story and for pointing out that divorce is not an “easy way out” for most couples who seek it, but a last resort. I went back to my own comment and changed “Many couples do seek a divorce rather than work on their marital problems” to “SOME couples do seek a divorce rather than work on their marital problems.”
@ Kelly: “It takes maturity, enormous commitment and a desire to be happy together more than you need to be right.” So true!
@ Carla: You have such rich life experience for someone so young.
I am glad you are safe now.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 9:56 pm →
What a gorgeous photograph, Vered! My mother is on her third marriage, so I realize that great marriages don’t just happen. However, like Nava Atlas, I remain “cautiously optimistic”.
zoe responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 10:05 pm →
I believe in marriage. I can’t marry my partner of 16 1/2 years because, you know, it’s not legal being that we’re gay and all. But if we could, we would do it in a heartbeat.
We’ve been through ups and downs, crappy jobs, grad school, the 7 year itch, depression and anxiety, the good, the bad, life in the closet, life out of the closet, socks on the floor, life without money, life with a little money…and through it all we’ve had each other. We are a team. We are committed to us, and we work for what’s best for us. It probably helps that my partner is my best friend, and the love of my life. We laugh a lot, and we have so much fun together. There isn’t anyone else I would rather spend my time with. We are happy. I am happy.
So, yeah. I believe in marriage, even if what have isn’t called a marriage by most.
Dominique responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 10:24 pm →
Vered,
It sounds like a great book. Will try to get a hold of it if I can to read. I do believe in marriage and that one has to work at it.. fairy tale marriages are just that fairy tales.. We have been married 8yrs now and am facing transitions in our relationship as the kids grow up.. will be going for a marriage renewal weekend next month to rediscover and strenghten our marriage.
Davina responds:
Posted: July 20th, 2009 at 11:50 pm →
My mother was married four times and they were all unhappy marriages. Still, I believe in marriage. I’ve never been married, but came close once. I just haven’t found the “right” guy yet. Congratulations Vered; I love hearing that your love continues to grow; despite the normal bumps along the way (probably because of them). I wish you many, many more years of happiness together.
Arswino responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 1:06 am →
Hi Vered,
Thanks for the review. I have been married for 3 years with one daughter. A very young marriage age.
I think marriage is a great challenge in life. Because it includes all aspects
MomGrind responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 8:48 am →
@ Marelisa: Cautiously optimistic makes sense… in marriage and in life.
@ zoe: Hehe @ “Socks on the floor” – now I know I really am a regular reader of your blog, since I know what you’re talking about.
“We are a team” is key, in my opinion. When I look at my own marriage and at other good marriages around me, we have all formed teams and are fully committed to supporting each other.
I completely believe that gays will be able to marry in our lifetime.
@ Dominique: A marriage renewal weekend sounds like a great idea!
@ Davina: Thank you! I try not to take things for granted.
@ Arswino: Marriage is definitely challenging at times.
Don Mills Diva responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 9:05 am →
I believe in marriage and I am, on the whole, happily married. There have been times though when the single life seems very appealing. I think the secret to a happy marriage is the same as the secret to a happy life – accept that there will be times when it will suck and just press on.
Jannie responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 9:18 am →
Sounds like a real winner of a book! Yes, I do believe very much in marriage, it can be he sweetest thing ever. And some people like it so much they try it umpteen times.
janice responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 9:46 am →
Great post, Vered. I love when folk do reviews with real passion. We lived together before we got married and it was intriguing to see the way other people treated us differently after we slipped away and married quietly. Some of his family behaved like not having a full family shindig was up there with murder. Others were spiteful when I kept my own name and Ms instead of Mrs.
The phrase that’s kept us going for 25 years is Exupéry’s “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” We leave plenty of spaces for fresh breezes to blow through. Plus, he’s my best friend and the only one who always laughs at my jokes. We laugh a lot on the good days; it builds up reserves for the bad ones. We had kids late on, but they’ve brought us closer, made us a tighter team.
J.D. Meier responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 11:00 am →
I agree. Life’s not static. It’s really about riding the waves and the ups and downs. It’s more like a roller coaster than that happily ever after ending that always leaves you hanging and wondering what that really means.
RC - Rambling Along... responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 11:16 am →
Love the picture!
I believe in marriage, but then I also believe in the amount of work it takes. I also believe some people just aren’t meant to be married.
As for our story, I am my husband’s second wife. He knows, having gone through a failed marriage, that he never wants to go through that again. His experience helped us talk about many issues prior to getting married and we are both committed to each other and this marriage. Now that we’ve had a child, we know the stakes are even higher.
Is it easy? No. Do we both have our petty moments? Yes. We are human.
Although things aren’t always “happy,” we both try to make things work – and that can be a lot of work. Could we still fail? Yes. But since neither of us see that as an option, we continue to try to grow together and support each other – which only increases the love and respect we have for each other.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 12:43 pm →
@ Don Mills Diva: “I think the secret to a happy marriage is the same as the secret to a happy life – accept that there will be times when it will suck and just press on.” I agree!
@ Jannie: Hehe I guess they do like it.
@ janice: You too have used the word “team.” I really think this is a key element in a happy marriage: forming a team.
@ J.D. Meier: True fir marriage, and true for life.
@ RC: Your marriage sounds a lot like ours.
MommyNamedApril responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 5:29 pm →
sounds like a good book
great picture!
Evelyn Lim responds:
Posted: July 21st, 2009 at 6:42 pm →
It is so heartwarming to read the many success stories here on marriage. Reading the tabloids have always made me assume that divorces are pretty rampant in the States. The trend here in Singapore is not any different. Divorce rates are going up!
I have been married for 9 years myself. I didn’t realize how much hard work it would take. It has been very much a journey!
Zeenat{Positive Provocations} responds:
Posted: July 22nd, 2009 at 12:09 am →
Hi,
This is my first visit to your blog…but i must say i enjoyed it completely. I love the way you so matter of factly putthe details about marriage. You are bang on about it too…especially the line “marriage is sometimes challenging, and motherhood is often exhausting. ” So freakishly true. And oh so much work….
I have been marriaed for 3+ yrs now..adn have a 2 yr old daughter. Ask me how my day goes by..and i have absolutely no idea…it just goes by….if i say we women have 24 hr jobs..i would be understating it. We all are so caught up in making good lives for everybody around us that we forget ourselves sometimes.
The important thing about being a woman, a wife and a mother is to know you need time for yourself. I make it a point to take out an hour a day(usually when my little one is in bed) to just be with ME. If by chance it doesnt happen on particular day….i can feel myself going bonkers.
But believe me…all the hardwork we put in making our families and everyone around us happy is well worth it. It enriches our life and makes life that much more fun!
The book sounds great.
Michelle @ Find Your Balance responds:
Posted: July 22nd, 2009 at 9:55 am →
My wedding was the happiest day of my life. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe a commitment to another human being is worthy of ceremony and celebration! I believe some people go into marriages with a thought in their head that divorce is always a possibility. Maybe all this means is they are not ready to get married, or haven’t found the right person. Well, we all walk our path. I feel blessed to be arriving at our 1 year anniversary because I am SO happy I am married to my husband.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: July 22nd, 2009 at 11:14 am →
@ MommyNamedApril: Thank you!
@ Evelyn Lim: “I didn’t realize how much hard work it would take.” Same here.
@ Zeenat: “The important thing about being a woman, a wife and a mother is to know you need time for yourself.” I completely agree. And when the kids are older, you can actually sneak in “me time” even when they’re awake.
@ Michelle: You do sound very happy!
John Hoff - WpBlogHost responds:
Posted: July 22nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm →
I definitely believe in marriage and couldn’t even imagine being married to anyone else, and with my 2 boys thrown in . . .
One thing they didn’t tell me, however, when I got married was that I’d be doing a lot more dishes! My wife admits she doesn’t do dishes, But I suppose she cooks a lot more than I do and takes care of the kids more so it all evens out.
Bonnie/JustPeachyBabyBlog responds:
Posted: July 22nd, 2009 at 6:21 pm →
Awwwww. Vered, you wear the blissfully, blushing bride look very well. ”
22 only? .. Congratulations on riding out a decade of change with your Hubby. That’s worth a pat on both your backs.
‘I know better than to think that a good marriage “just happens,” or that being a wife and a mother is “easy.”’
A agree. A good marriage is about sacrifice, which isn’t our default setting. I think there is a lot of misconception about the “happiness” factor in marriage. If happiness = self-fulfillment, then I’m afraid two people will find it hard to see eye to eye. We love not to fulfill our own needs, but to fulfill the needs of the other. Finding the perfect spouse is about finding someone who can (has the potential) to love well. Put two people who are willing to love well, and each will sacrifice for the other. Now, that is the recipe for a happy marriage.
Rowe responds:
Posted: July 22nd, 2009 at 10:36 pm →
Excellent post, Vered. My daughter-in-law would love this book, I’m sure. Last time we went shopping together she was on the lookout for a good book about marriage, she found one, but from this review, I have a feeling she would also enjoy this book. Yes, I do believe in marriage and though I was happily then unhappily married, I think it is a wonderful relationship for two people who love each other to be in.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: July 23rd, 2009 at 8:42 am →
@ John Hoff: Sounds like a good arrangement.
@ Bonnie: “Put two people who are willing to love well, and each will sacrifice for the other.” YES. Exactly.
@ Rowe: Sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law!
Jeffrey Levine responds:
Posted: July 23rd, 2009 at 1:25 pm →
Thank you for introducing us to this book, and your insightful take on marriage. So much good feedback and ideas here and in the comments. The thing I will add is that often, we (both husbands and wives) forget to articulate our own needs (in a non-judgmental way) – and that is what leads to resentment. In the example: “…many women, who are perfectly fine with eating yogurt for dinner, yet find themselves in charge of cooking elaborate dinners once they are married. Can you say “resentment?”…what is missing here is the wife sitting down and speaking her needs in clear, non-blaming language. If done this way, most husbands will hear it and look for ways to accomodate her (or at least brainstorm on solutions). And, honestly, if your partner is not willing to honestly consider your needs, and make adjustments, what kind of marriage are you trying to save anyway? Once again, Vered, great post.
-Jeffrey
Natural responds:
Posted: July 23rd, 2009 at 5:18 pm →
yep, i believe marriage can be a wonderful thing if you are married to the right person.
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: July 23rd, 2009 at 6:42 pm →
I guess I believe in it but have seen few positive examples of it. Mine didn’t work out and I have no interest in doing it again. I think a lot of people don’t realize how much work it is but those who’ve been married a long time fully understand it. People spend a lot more time planning the wedding than for what comes after.
Nicole responds:
Posted: July 23rd, 2009 at 7:20 pm →
I do believe in marriage.
That doesn’t mean everyone should be married.
A small discrepancy lost in society.
JMom responds:
Posted: July 23rd, 2009 at 10:45 pm →
I really like how this book compares marriage to food and cooking. It does take work and diligence in order to come out right. There are times when you follow the recipe to a T the dish still doesn’t come right; and then there are those times when you don’t have all the ingredients or maybe have a faulty stove and yet you get something that surprises you and pleases everyone who partakes of it. That’s life.
Great review!
taney responds:
Posted: July 26th, 2009 at 7:00 pm →
Very interesting post, I must admit. As with everything in life, marriage has its up and downs. When you share such a close relationship with someone, that’s when you really learn the most about each other. You learn to understand one other on a whole different level.
Quite frankly, I have never been truly in love or in any kind of deep relationship, but I can understand and relate. For anyone that has ever moved out and lived with roommates, you would understand how living with each other changes everything; especially if you were good or close friends before that.
It appears that you got married much earlier than most people I know. It can be very overwhelming at that age. I’m 25 myself and the thought of marriage never really crosses my mind. I’m glad you’re able to make it work and I like to say congratulations on keep everything together and being able to truly enjoy it!
I totally get your drift about unsuccessful marriages. There’s many variables that factor in. I was a witness as a child watching my parents fight as I was growing up. I learned to understand that there will always be ups and downs even if everything looks perfect on the exterior. In any type of relationship, there needs to be trust, reciprocation, and compromise.
I really enjoyed your post and I hope to read more interesting ideas from you! Keep it up! (=
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: July 26th, 2009 at 11:37 pm →
Great review, Vered, and this does sound like a good, and realistic book.
Having been married for over twenty years now, I find as the years pass our love becomes stronger and even more special. Finding the right person is half the battle. The other half is learning to compromise, listening, communicating and accepting your partner for who they are.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: July 27th, 2009 at 4:50 pm →
@ Jeffrey Levine: “clear, non-blaming language” – non-blaming is key. It’s the best way to get people to listen.
@ Natural: I agree. It’s the people involved, not the establishment.
@ Kim Woodbridge: “People spend a lot more time planning the wedding than for what comes after.” It’s true. I guess it’s “easier.”
@ Nicole: I agree!
@ JMom: exactly.
@ taney: I got married at 22. I realize it’s considered young, but when you find the right man, there’s no need to keep looking.
@ Barbara Swafford: Compromise is a huge part of a successful marriage.
taney responds:
Posted: August 1st, 2009 at 11:33 pm →
I just saw the movie, “Funny People” and it totally relates to this post! You should definitely check it out. It’s a long, but very entertaining movie! (=