Working Moms are Bad Moms
I didn’t say that. A new research did.
“British children whose mothers worked part- or full-time were more likely to have bad diet and exercise habits than those whose moms stayed at home, Catherine Law, of University College London, and colleagues reported.”
Then of course comes the backpedaling: “But Law warned that the results don’t imply that working mothers should give up their careers.”
I don’t get it. Who picks these research topics? Who is funding them? Why would you make the initial decision to perform such a study? Do you have a hidden agenda? Is it to show that working mothers are worse mothers than non-working mothers?
And even more questions: When you perform such a study, how do you balance out the results with the benefits of having a working mother? You don’t, right? You simply publish the results under an attention-grabbing headline and move on to the next ridiculous study.
Working moms unfortunately have to deal with a lot of guilt – unjustified guilt but nonetheless very real guilt – without these ridiculous studies. I realize this is purely anecdotal, but I was a stay at home mom for six years. I now work from my home office, sometimes part time and sometimes long hours (freelance work tends to fluctuate). My kids’ diet and exercise habits haven’t changed at all since I started working. My own habits haven’t changed either – I still make it a priority to exercise and eat healthy.
But what bothers me about this study is not its accuracy, but the underlying criticism of working moms. Moms have been working since the dawn of history while raising their kids. The privileged stay at home mom who takes her kids to the playground every day and dotes on them 24/7 is a fairly recent phenomenon. Who’s to say it’s the best arrangement for children – or for mothers?
Many mothers need to work for financial reasons. Many other mothers work to maintain an identity that is separate than their role as mothers, to keep their careers going, and to remain financially independent. Being a stay at home mom is a huge financial risk, and being a full time mom isn’t always the right choice for a woman or for her family. I wish researchers would respect that and leave working mothers alone.
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Sherri responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 11:13 am →
Hi Vered,
Well put. Like everything else being a stay at home mom is a choice. Those that want to and are fortunate enough to be able to do it are not better or worse than moms who decide to work. Like you say even if you are able to stay home it may not be the right decision. For me it was a tough one. I had invested a lot of time and money into my education and career so when the kids came along I was really torn.
I’ve resigned to the fact that I’d feel bad (guilty), in some way or another, either way. If I went back to work I would feel guilty for not being at home with my kids and now that I’m home I feel guilty for not contributing financially to the family. With that in mind I felt I would rather feel guilty at home (which is subsiding slowly) and spend time with my kids than feel guilty at work and miss out on time with them. But that was *my* choice and I wouldn’t put that onto anyone else.
The pediatrician made a good point in that article: “They (parents) just need to be careful that that care is the kind of care they would provide themselves.” That’s the key. If you are active and eat well you’ll want to find daycare that values that as well demonstrated by daily trips to the park, healthy snacks throughout the day etc …
This is a touchy subject Vered, but with you having been on both sides of the equation I’m happy to hear your take on it.
Memarie Lane responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 12:35 pm →
I personally cannot afford to work. If I were to work, at least 75% of my check would go to child care. I’d also need an additional car, and more money for clothes, so it would actually cost me more money than I would make working than it does to stay home. It would probably be different if I had a degree of some kind, but I don’t, so my earning potential is very low. Most SAHMs I know are in the same position. People often tell me “I can’t afford to be a SAHM,” and I have to laugh. We live on $1400 a month and I am a SAHM. We may not live in the lap of luxury, but we’re not living off the government either and are very happy with our choice.
One of my best friends was a committed SAHM but decided to work. She actually didn’t need the money but thought it might be more fulfilling for her. A year later she has put on 50 pounds, feels like crap, and misses her kids. She just gave her notice.
Betsy Wuebker responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 12:57 pm →
No matter what you choose (or in some cases, must for any number of reasons) to do as a mother, there will always be a vocal faction ready to criticize it. I wish women and the people who love them would get to a place where we aren’t fighting amongst ourselves about what is a woman’s appropriate role. We can argue all we want on the sidelines, but it’s a big distraction from relevant progress in feminism.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 1:33 pm →
Sherri, I agree, this is a touchy subject, but why? I should probably clarify that the point of this article is not to take sides (I’ve been on both sides – each has its pluses and minuses) but to say we should leave mothers alone and allow them to make the best choice for themselves and for their families (whatever that choice may be) without doing everything we possibly can to make them feel guilty.
As you point out, Sherri, moms need no help in the guilt department – we are very, very good at feeling guilt, no matter what we choose!
Memarie Lane, when you say “People often tell me “I can’t afford to be a SAHM,” it makes me MAD! I really wish people would mind their own business and respect the fact that you have made the right choice for you and for your family.
Betsy, I completely agree. Your comment is in essence what I was trying to say in this article, only a lot more eloquent.
Tanya responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 1:46 pm →
I think that spending first year of your child’s life at home is preferrable, at least part time – not only your baby needs you, but also you don’t miss out on the presious baby moments. Also, caring for the baby if a full-time job in itself, and unless you have a full-time nanny, there is no way you can work 2 full time jobs, but me personally – I wouldn’t want to have a full-time nanny, I’d rather take care of my child the way I feel is right. It’s not surprising that in many European countries women have a year of maternity leave.
In general, each woman should deside for herself what is best for her (as well as her family). If a woman quits a fullfilling job that she likes just because of guilt, she is not going to be a good mother because one way or another she will take it out on her family. Once the child is not a baby, it’s ok to find a good caregiver (day care or a nanny) – just make sure that it IS good and what your child needs, and it’s ok to work if that is what you want to do. Just make sure you don’t work 60 hrs a week and have time to spend with your children. Personally, for me working part-time would’ve been the best solution.
Michelle @ Find Your Balance responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 1:48 pm →
My mom was a working mother, and I was a latchkey kid. Had she not worked, we would have starved. And THAT would have made her a bad mother.
Rivster responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 1:53 pm →
Mommy Guilt is, unfortunately, part of being a mommy. Mommies who work feel it. Mommies who don’t work feel it. A study like this does no one any good and the questions you raise are good ones.
In my case, I know that our eating and exercise habits would, in fact, improve if I was a SAHM. I would be able to devote proper time to this area if I wasn’t working such long and unconventional hours. But my kids (the two who are old enough to articulate this) have told me that want me to keeping working. I am a rabbi and they often tell me how much they love that I am their rabbi and the rabbi of their friends. Now, they are only 6 and 9 so I expect this sentiment to change at some point. But they seems to derive pride from the work I do.
It’s not a competition. We are all mommies who strive to do right by our kids. Let’s learn from one another. Support one another. And rear our children with one another.
Hayden Tompkins responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 2:20 pm →
All these studies ignore working fathers, because the underlying assumption is that women need to stay home and look after the children. I’d like to see the study on “weekend fathers”.
Jannie Funster responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 2:41 pm →
“The study did not report whether children attended daycare or were cared for in the home whether by the mother or someone else. ”
I read the whole article you linked to and cite the above from it as one reason to be skeptical of the study on a whole. And they spoke also about adjustments, and I cite, “adjusting for possible confounding factors.” The use of “possible” seems more like guess-work to me than clinically-supported evidence.
I also wonder why they chose to assess 12,576 singleton 5-year-old children. Unless I am understanding that wrong, it’s not a good cross-section of families, in my opinion.
Patricia responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 2:48 pm →
Working Mother is a redundant phrase….all mother’s work 24/7 even the lazy ones.
“Being a stay at home mom is a huge financial risk!” I am living proof of that….and everyone has been mad at me for most of my life…..for financial reasons…..
I paid 100% of my education and for all of my clothing – I worked nights after the children had homework done and were tucked into bed and the dishes were washed…
But tomorrow, at age 60, I still have to go an prove that I am not stupid or brain dead and I still deserve to retain my Ordination. I have had to write a massive paper, to prove I haven’t lost my smarts…
And I am going to repeat like a parrot….I will answer this question when I know you have asked it of every male clergy in this conference
Women are often the most cruel on the judgment committees…I have learned that over the years…
The Stiletto Mom responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 2:50 pm →
You probably know where I stand on this one. I’ve also been on both sides of the fence and my kids have always been happy. Would they rather have me home? I’m sure they would but we don’t have a choice in the matter so it is what it is. Why put stuff like this out there and cause women undo stress? These kinds of things make me crazy and I see something at least once a month on TV about this very subject…from women news anchors no less. Ugh.
Natural responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 3:58 pm →
i’d be hurting her stomach too if i didn’t – she wouldn’t eat. well she would but nobody household is anyone’s business. we each do what we can and what’s best for OUR family. not yours, not your neighbor. our and mine.
and i’m sick of moms taking all the blame or being blamed for what’s right or wrong with the family.
Clark Kent's Lunchbox responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 4:30 pm →
I’d like to echo those questions: Who picks these topics? I see them all the time, both for parents and there’s this underlying feel of an intent to “prove” which sex in which role is the better parent. Isn’t the core issue really about achieving balance between personal fulfillment and parental responsibilities? Sometimes they may be in flux contingent on temporary circumstances, and sometimes they change permanently. I think you illustrate that point in your situation, Vered.
Being a working mother is a hard choice. My wife at times, exhibits that guilt over not being with the kids. However, she’s also gained new confidences from her job that she’s incorporated into her parenting style. There’s a give and take in this, but sometimes that’s not always enough to make her feel better.
Tracy responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 6:12 pm →
How many families with working dads have poor diets and lack exercise? How securely attached are the children of working fathers?
I don’t mind studies like this per se, done right, it could have the potential to show the need for higher quality after school care, positive things like that. It drives me nuts when the media goes after the attention grabbing headline and angle at the cost of having a real, balanced discussion of the problem.
Because I could see how having a single parent or dual working parent household could make it more difficult to keep everything going as it should. Confession: this stay at home mom gave her kids fast food for dinner tonight because it was one of those days where nothing went right.
You know, this kind of headline-driven reporting seems to lead to either people feeling guilty and giving up or people feeling defensive and unwilling to listen to whatever helpful suggestions might be offered.
The Lawyer Mom responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 6:33 pm →
For every study critical of working moms, there’s another saying their children are better off.
What’s the old joke about the accountant? “So what was my income this year?” you ask him. “What do you want it to be?” says the accountant.
Numbers are inherently subject to manipulation. I take studies like these with a grain of salt.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 6:39 pm →
Thank you again everyone for your comments.
I agree that each mom should decide for herself without being attacked and that we should be supportive of each other.
Also agree that all mothers are working mothers.
There’s definitely a problem here from a feminist perspective – mothers are always to blame, never fathers.
Jannie, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out the study is flawed. Many are.
Ron, “achieving balance between personal fulfillment and parental responsibilities” – yes, this is what it’s about. Personal fulfillment is a valid need and achieving it does make you a better parent.
Stephanie responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 6:40 pm →
But moms are supposed to be at hoooooome! Isn’t that the idea? /sarcasm
Despite my fondness for being a stay at home mom, I’m also a huge fan of working moms. I’d better be, considering my mom raised 4 of us on her own. Not respecting working moms would be a huge insult to her.
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 7:32 pm →
Hi Vered,
I agree. Who comes up with these ideas and who pays for them? And, if they end up being flawed, why do they even bother? Job security? Or like you said, a hidden agenda?
I see advantages and disadvantages to both being a stay at home mom vs a working mom. In the end, it’s up to each woman to decide what works best for them and what fits into their budget – survey or no survey.
RC - RC Rambling responds:
Posted: October 7th, 2009 at 10:14 pm →
I’m with you on trying to figure out who picks these topics.
And, as a mom who works outside the home, volunteers outside the home and somehow manages to spend quality time with my child, I would love to know how these people can make these situations in these studies so cut and dried.
My mom worked outside the home, as did my father. My sisters and I learned the value of doing your job well, picking a career you enjoy and earning your own way in life. Important life lessons.
That being said, even if we could afford for me to stay home, I would probably choose to work at least part-time. I have seen the value in my child spending time in the presence of others (and other children) when I’m not around. Even though we’ve taught him so much (and continue to do so), he is learning social skills and other educational skills that I might be missing.
I’m not saying my way is for everyone, but it works for us. And as you said, I don’t need more mommy guilt from another study.
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 5:51 am →
Love this comment:
“Moms have been working since the dawn of history while raising their kids.”
So true.
I was lucky in that I was able to choose to go to work when my first child was born…and when I got over my post-partum depression, was able to change and work at home.
Mothers and fathers have enough stress without having to listen to studies like that.
Dr. J responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 6:18 am →
There is a long history of blaming stuff on moms! I think one of the early theories of schizophrenia put it all on the mother! I read somewhere that it can be better financially, due to daycare costs, etc, if one of the parents stayed home in some situations. With the Internet, etc, a stay at home parent can have an outside job more easily now a days.
I was lucky to have my mom at home when I was a child. Of course, as soon as I could, I got out of the house to play with my friends
Beverley Smith responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 6:23 am →
As a longtime advocate for moms at home to be valued, one might expect that I would relish this study but I find it troubling too that it may be interpreted very unfairly. First of all, every mother is a ‘working mother’ and we have to notice that whether you get paid or not is not a definition of how much effort you put in for others. Second, the scale of determining effect of lifestyle choices is one thing- nutrition, exercise, maybe exhaustion – but this does not make a person a ‘bad’ mother per se, and the good-bad criteria should not be used.
Third, it seems that the study implies busy mothers who try to earn and raise kids simultaneously may make some sacrifices but if i am reading it correctly, they are penalizing their own health. They personally eat less well They personally exercise less. They are taking the hit themselves and this is very typical of mothers. It does not make them bad- it makes them selfless. The same trait is found in mothers at home who give up income, prestige, pension, usually new clothes, fancy meals out in restaurants and usually help from government for their costs of raising kids- and though they never make the kids eat less well or get less love, they personally take the hit. Mothers who earn and mothers who don’t earn therefore are selfless. I would see that as a universal trait and one that means they are good mothers.
Instead of the infighting that such studies might generate between mother roles, it is very important that we women unite over what we can agree on. The enemy in any war wins if it can ‘divide and conquer’ and we have been unwise to let governments and male run economies pit us against each other instead of forcing them to value us all wherever we are. Right now mothers who earn may claim they are the only ones who’ work’ but that is of course an insult to care work at home. Those who are at home may claim they are the ones who truly love their kids but that of course is ridiculous since all mothers love their kids.
To get us to seek common ground would make us a very powerful lobby to get government to fund parenting period, mothering period, universal mat benefits, universal benefits per child that flowed to wherever the child was, to age 18, universal pension for the time spent caregiving. These are big shifts in society but we women deserve them. We are redefining work to include care of children. The old economy did not do it. We can.
Jen responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 7:31 am →
I stopped paying attention to these studies a long time ago. All they do is produce guilt on both sides of the table. I have been a SAHM and a working mom and no matter which I was doing I felt guilty for not contributing to the finances or for not paying enough attention to my kids. The worst part about working out of the house is when you get home after a long day you have to start another full time job. Unfortunately I didn’t have a supportive spouse. When I divorced, while I was a SAHM with an infant, I decided that at least for a couple of years I was going to be the person who looked after my child. It wasn’t easy and thankfully I had the support of my parents but it was challenging.
The good news is that after working out of the house, paying for daycare which is outrageously expensive and yet the day care provides are paid very little, which is another subject completely, I found that I could do the job I wanted to do from my home allowing me to earn an income and take care of my kids. I’m still exhausted, still have no support from my ex spouse but my kids are happy, they know there is always someone home and they are doing well. Which is not to say that latchkey and kids in daycare don’t do just as well. When my kids were in daycare the teachers there taught them things that I couldn’t have or simply wouldn’t have thought of teaching them. There are benefits to both, no choice is better than the other.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 8:10 am →
Barbara, I didn’t know you dealt with postpartum depression. And, I agree that “Mothers and fathers have enough stress without having to listen to studies like that” although it seems to be mostly moms who are being blamed, as Dr. J points out.
Beverly, I agree that “mommy wars” are making us weaker.
Jen, thank you for sharing your own experience. I wish I could take the guilt away from all mothers, put in a box and throw away!
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 8:22 am →
I stayed at home for 3 years after my daughter was born and we were broke. And overall I was not that happy – not because we were broke but because I felt like I started to lose myself. Once I went back to work everyone was much happier. I despise these studies – no matter what mothers do they are criticized but rarely are the fathers. It’s the same reason I had to stop reading Parents magazine. There was no way I was ever going to make a cake that looked like a school bus and I didn’t like feeling like I wasn’t a good enough Mom
Bunnygotblog.com responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 12:10 pm →
I think working mom’s get a bad rap. The pressure is on having to work and then the guilt for being away from their kids.
Then kids need to become independent individuals so what I get from the article is someone got bored and wanted to make some controversy on a subject close to home.
Great article Vered and I wanted to tell you, I just read Ian’s post. I think you are doing an awesome job on here too.
Kristie responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 12:14 pm →
It is so sad how much guilt we working moms feel and studies like this don’t help! What is the point of the study? I just wish we could all come together and support each other. On days I work we still have homemade meals from scratch, it just takes some planning.
Tess The Bold Life responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 1:23 pm →
Are the working mothers married or living with partners? If so is the father taking any blame for these bad habits?
Will everyone please stop picking on mothers/women.
80% of the people who have lost jobs in the recession are men. So that must mean all these men are at home making sure the kiddies are eating well and exercising. Right?
cam responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 2:44 pm →
amen on the question of who the heck performs, or asks to perform these studies. working moms are in many cases heroes and the likelihood that a study like this, reported on as it is, isn’t helping. we simply need some counsel on ways to cope. family better, work better etc.
this is a link to a few videos of working moms who’s stories have become finalists in the mutual of omaha, aha moments vote. if enough people vote for one or any of them they will be part of the 2010 ad campaign. we’d like to see topics of working moms become celebrated in this way so we’re posting in the hope that some will see them and like them and vote.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: October 8th, 2009 at 7:07 pm →
I think the best thing for a kid–once their basic needs are met–is to see their parents happy and living a life which they consider to be fulfilling, instead of being martyrs. How positive is it for a kid to have a home-made Halloween costume and the best cookies at the bake sale because his or her mother is a stay at home mom, when the mother is sad and frustrated because she would rather be in a courtroom or in an operating room?
Rowe responds:
Posted: October 9th, 2009 at 3:38 am →
I read in The Daily Telegraph newspaper today about three different mothers and their parenting abilities:-
1. SAHM, killed her 18 month old son, apparently out of anger and frustration over custody battles with the father. I won’t go into the details, they are both depressing and heart wrenching.
2. SAHM, starved her six year old daughter to death. Another appalling and heart wrenching story.
3. Alcoholic mother – already has had four children removed from her care. Now there is another legal procedure under way to determine whether she will keep custody of her fifth child born. He is just a few weeks old and already battling from his mother’s heavy drinking while she was pregnant with him. I don’t think this woman was a working mother.
I cannot recall ever reading a story about any working mother neglecting her children, as a matter of fact. It’s usually the stay-at-home, welfare or drug dependant mothers who are doing the damage to their children.
Rowe responds:
Posted: October 9th, 2009 at 3:51 am →
I need to clarify that last statement by removing the comma: It’s usually a stay-at-home welfare or drug dependant mother where children have been reported as abused, neglected or killed.
Bare Naked Mummy responds:
Posted: October 9th, 2009 at 5:34 am →
I’ve landed here after reading Sticky FIngers’s blog and would like to say thanks for such a fantastic piece.
I kinda wrote my own when I heard the news.
Proud Working Mother!
BNM
x
MomGrind responds:
Posted: October 9th, 2009 at 8:45 am →
Kim and Tess – exactly. Why pick on the mothers?
Bunnygotblog, thank you!
Marelisa, I agree – a mother’s personal fulfillment IS important and does affect her parenting and her kids.
Rowe, I guess it’s not about being home or working in an office – it’s about what kind of person you are and what are your life circumstances.
Bare naked mummy and Kristie, I’ll join you in refusing to feel guilty.
Cheryl Lynn Pope responds:
Posted: October 10th, 2009 at 2:09 pm →
I’m a work away from home mom. I work at a parenting organization. I think there is a balance, though. Even thouh you work outside of the home doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent. As a matter of fact, it even adds to your experience as a parent.
Gunfighter responds:
Posted: October 14th, 2009 at 4:04 am →
My wife, who went back to work when my youngest was 8 weeks old, has multiple advanced degrees, and a Ph.D from a swanky British university (sorry, I love to brag about her), but is a great mom.
Despite the findings of the study, our ten year old daughter is exceptionally fit (she is her soccer/football team’s goalkeeper), and eats healthy food. Can you imagine?
As for the momy wars… well, I weigh in on the side of “do what works best for you”. Career women shouldn’t look down their noses at women who stay home pre force or by choice. Neither should women who stayed at home looke askance at women who choose to, or are forced, economically, to go back to working outside of the home. It’s a big world, and one size does not fit all.
Dot responds:
Posted: October 14th, 2009 at 10:43 am →
Can’t really add anything to what you wrote, Vered.
Maxo responds:
Posted: October 14th, 2009 at 9:04 pm →
I think you are reading too much into this.
There are plenty of very good, non-biased reasons to study this. It is important for us to know what the likely outcomes of various home arrangements may have on a child’s life. Simply asking the question, “How do children do when moms stay at home versus when moms hold jobs” is not a biased question, especially if you don’t know how each scenario will turn out.
It is also worthy to note that the study wasn’t released under the headlines that you gave. They weren’t even released under the headlines of the article you sited. They where probably released in a science journal under a boring headline with lots of boring statistics, figures, etc.
You cannot blame researchers for how media outlets report their findings. I once saw a story that headlines that NBA couches called fouls in a manner unfavorable to minorities. If one actually read the study the researchers did not find a statistically significant difference in how coaches of any color called plays against players of an color. However there was a statistically insignificant lean towards white coaches calling more fouls against Negro players. The lesson here is that what the media reports and what researchers found can vary drastically.
Remember researchers are trying to bias towards facts. The media is biased towards sales, which leads them to biasing towards shocking headlines, not necessarily factual headlines.
Open Loops 10/20/2009: Articles I Think Worth Passing Along | SimpleProductivityBlog.com responds:
Posted: October 20th, 2009 at 3:01 am →
[...] added on by attention-grabbing nonsensical study. A great response to the article can be found at “Working Moms are Bad Moms”. Hmph. Maybe someone should fund a study about how having a frivolous researcher for a parent [...]
Megan Gilbert responds:
Posted: October 21st, 2009 at 9:18 am →
Women are really good at feeling guilty, if they are SHMs, not having enough finances make them guilty, if they work and something happens to the child in their absence they feel guilty. So leave them be, let them battle their own guilt privately without the unneccessary burdens of catchy headlines.