Fat People Not Welcome
The dating site “Beautiful People,” where members can “guarantee their dates will always be beautiful” has recently expelled thousands of members for gaining too much weight during the holidays, explaining that “letting fatties roam the site” is against the company’s business model.
Even when taking into account this was no more than a sleazy publicity stunt, which of course worked beautifully, the very concept of sites that help members surround themselves with “good looking people” and weed out “unattractive” people from their life is fascinating.
The obvious criticism is that these are shallow people who focus on the wrong thing – on short-term physical beauty instead of on the person as a whole. But I think it’s more than that.
Who exactly decides what “attractive” is? I had a wonderful friend, who unfortunately died of cancer at a very young age (before she turned 40). She wasn’t beautiful in the classic sense of the word, but she had the most amazing, lively, energetic personality and huge dark eyes. When I met her for the first time, I thought she was rather ordinary-looking, but years later, after I got to know her, I remember looking at her as she was sitting across from me talking, and becoming mesmerized by those huge, expressive, thoughtful eyes, thinking to myself she must be the most beautiful person on this planet.
Was she beautiful? would she be accepted to one of those dating sites? Likely not. But was her husband and we, her friends, incredibly lucky to have her in our lives? Of course we were. She was a beautiful person and a loyal friend. I miss her terribly.
Beauty is not just about a person’s looks or their measurements. We all have stories of people whom we considered as “plain” until we got to know them and realized they were incredibly beautiful. Anyone who intentionally limits their choice of dates or relationships to physically beautiful people deserves all the humiliation they can get.
Loved this Comment: “How sad does your life have to be that this club would be something to aspire to?” Jannie Funster
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Davina responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 4:57 pm →
Amen Vered! I don’t consider myself to be pretty as per society’s standards and it is discouraging when I see the CONSTANT focus on good looking people, and women with “those” measurements. I have to be really on top of myself to not fall into the trap of thinking less of myself because I’m not a “catch”. And I must say that the older I get, the better I get at this. My personality is growing by leaps and bounds. Comes with lots of practice and I guess I have society to thank for that at least.
Lori Hoeck responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 5:03 pm →
People craving only “beautiful friends” should walk the streets of a third-world country where make-up, medicine, and oral hygiene are non-existent. Then make friends with some of these people. It would open eyes.
RC - Rambling Along... responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 5:14 pm →
What a lovely publicity stunt by that group. And frankly, I think I prefer being overweight (and happily married) to the possibility of dating a million “beautiful people.”
That being said, I have known many men and women over the years, who would not be considered “beautiful” by some of these ridiculous standards, yet have thought, or have heard others mention, how gorgeous they are, through one trait or another. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.
Patricia responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 5:34 pm →
I think this just reverse sorts some folks right out of our lives. It is not the kind of beauty that I am interested in – so now I know who is. Until they violate my beautiful goals and inspirations, they can reside in their own small world. I am sure they are using too much gas, electricity, medical space, and community space and don’t have a green bone in their body….How would they ever match that color? ….so maybe we should start charging more for their carbon credits and lack luster performance as members of the world community?
wisegirl responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 5:41 pm →
is this for real!!???? that’s awful. this deep emphasis on physical beauty is the reason why so many young women and girls suffer from extremely low self esteem.
Hayden Tompkins responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 6:26 pm →
I haven’t been shocked in a while but when I saw that story, I was like WOAH.
Apparently the members have to vote you in (based on attractiveness) and can vote you out (also based on attractiveness). Frankly, I’m thrilled that the vain have found each other! Like really does attract like.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 8:05 pm →
Hi Vered: When I was in college one of my roommates was what society would consider physically “ugly”. She had bad skin, very thin hair (and not a lot of it), and her features were irregular. However, she was so smart and full of life that you completely forgot that she was ugly. In fact, when she walked into a room she would turn heads. Her looks weren’t mesmerizing in the least, but her personality was. (I’m writing in the past tense because I haven’t seen or heard from her in years.) I also know beautiful women who have lots of short term relationships but no one is interested in having a long term relationship with them because they bore the men that they’re with to tears.
Lawyer Mom responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 8:54 pm →
Well, at least birds of a feather can shallowly flock together.
Kelvin Kao responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 9:15 pm →
I actually consider most of my friends cute or good-looking. (I say “most” instead of “all”, because if I were to do that, the mathematical part of me would try to enumerate them before I make the statement.) Even if I didn’t think so at first, I would think that way after some time. Maybe it’s because their personalities won me over. Or maybe it’s another phenomenum. You know how sometimes you don’t like some kind of food but start not minding it and eventually liking it after having it regularly? And sometimes you find it annoying that a bad song plays on the radio all the time, but after all the exposure, one day you suddenly realized that you kinda dig it? Maybe beauty can be an acquired taste too. Sometimes it just grows on you.
As for dating, some people just want to date good-looking people. Some people (I am guessing, a lot of people) want both the look and personality in their partner. However, it is much faster to filter for the “look” criteria than checking out the personality by reading their profile, which might or might not be a good reflection of who they are. It makes sense.
Having a website impose who is beautiful is a little too much though.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 9:21 pm →
Thank you for your comments. The topic is especially timely for me, because my daughters, 8 and 10, are becoming increasingly focused on “who is pretty” and who is not at their school, comparing themselves to other girls and worrying about how they look. I’m making an effort to bestow my older-woman wisdom on them
and make them realize that a person can be considered beautiful and attractive because of many reasons – that attractiveness is about the entire person, not just their physical attributes.
Stephanie - Home with the Kids responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 9:37 pm →
I guess they deserve one another on that site. Appreciating good looks is natural, but that’s taking it too far as there are many standards of beauty.
My oldest daughter is 7, so I’m with you Vered. I need good examples for her. Fortunately she’s pretty un-self conscious still. And utterly unaware of fashion as such, although she was pretending to model for me today. Fuchsia top with matching sparkly belt tied around her head with blue plaid pants and matching blue sparkly belt tied around her waist. Absolutely, positively didn’t match but she felt so happy in that outfit!
She got the modeling idea from a much older cousin, and I can’t say I’m entirely thrilled about that part. But her poses were very playful and often goofy so it could be worse. I took a lot of pictures.
Carla responds:
Posted: January 4th, 2010 at 9:38 pm →
It doesnt seem real. Its almost as bad when I discovered there was a website dedicated to only light skin African Americans. I would never want to be a part of anything like that. How shallow can you get?!
J.D. Meier responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 1:43 am →
Beauty on the outside captures the eye, beauty on the inside captures the heart.
Dominique responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 2:55 am →
I personally feel that inner beauty is much more important then outer beauty. It only shows how superficial these people are who indulge in keeping up with appearances.
Dr. J responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 6:46 am →
I have a friend who always finds something beautiful in everyone he meets! I think that is a wonderful way to live one’s life!
Kim Woodbridge responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 7:08 am →
I’m wondering how they knew people gained weight – do they have to submit photos on a regular basis?
People focus on such unimportant things. I’ve read that there are people who won’t date someone who doesn’t have the most up-to-date phone or other gadget.
Dot responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 8:16 am →
Reminds me of the “No Fat Chicks” T-shirt, except that this one sounds like it covers both genders. Well, we knew there were people like this back in high school. I guess some of them never grew up.
Els Withers responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 9:27 am →
It seems to me there are two kinds of people: those who get their standard of beauty from the media, and everyone else. Oddly, this reminds me of Tiger Woods. The truly baffling part of his story is not that he had a large number of affairs; it’s that when you see the women involved, they all look the same–all chesty blondes. And moreover, they all resemble his wife. Clearly he has a very narrow concept of beauty.
If you’re going to be a serial philanderer–and I’m not saying you should, but if you’re going to–your parade of lovers ought to be a celebration of human diversity. Plump, slender, young, old, light, dark. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Keith Davis responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 10:36 am →
Hi Vered
Came over from John Hoff’s site, where you describe yourself as a Blogger – wondered what your blog was all about and had a read of this post.
After that long rambling intro, here’s my comment…..
How ridiculous!
The thing about getting to know people is that after a while we ignore what they look like.
We start to look for lots of other things, I think we used to call it personality.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 11:46 am →
Thanks again everyone for your comments.
Stephanie, that fashion show sounds awesome.
And innocent! So that’s a very good thing.
Carla, “a website dedicated to only light skin African Americans” – that’s scary! And very sad.
Keith, nice to meet you.
Some feel that my self-promotion on other blogs via the “Vered | Blogger for Hire” signature is tacky. But it’s brought me leads in the past… so I do it and hopefully my blogging friends forgive me.
Keith Davis responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 12:19 pm →
Vered
I never for a moment thought of your comments on other blogs as “self – promotion”.
I certainly wouldn’t feel agrieved if you left a comment on my blog. LOL
One of the great things about blogging is reading bits and pieces about bits and pieces and making a little comment.
You get to the point where you feel that you know people… even if only a little
Rowe responds:
Posted: January 5th, 2010 at 10:16 pm →
It’s the same when you get to know someone whose appearance is beautiful to look at but their personality detracts from that outer beauty. When looking for a partner, most people tend to look at what is on the outside. First impressions do count, initially.
Tess The Bold Life responds:
Posted: January 6th, 2010 at 5:29 am →
I think it was chris brogan who had a post about “bringing sexy back.” He sent everyone over to ijustine.com
and tried to convince us that she’s successful not because she is sexy but because she is good at what she does. What a joke that was! Check it out. Oh dear did I just have the guts to disagree with a guru?
Michelle @ Find Your Balance responds:
Posted: January 6th, 2010 at 1:32 pm →
We’ve probably all known someone who became more attractive as we got to know them, or the opposite! I’m curious how this site qualifies “attractive.” Different people are attracted to different things. But maybe shallow people all want someone else who is shallow, in which case…perfect!
The Stiletto Mom responds:
Posted: January 6th, 2010 at 2:11 pm →
There used to be a site in Dallas for beautiful people. You could hire them to show up at your party or club or whatever. I thought that was the most shallow thing I had ever heard of….until now!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: January 6th, 2010 at 2:52 pm →
Tess, I had never heard of ijustine before. It looks like I haven’t missed out on too much.
Jannie Funster responds:
Posted: January 6th, 2010 at 4:43 pm →
How sad does your life have to be that this club would be something to aspire to? Beautiful People members, get away from the mirror and do something real, volunteering to help someone would be nice.
Walter responds:
Posted: January 6th, 2010 at 7:37 pm →
This world is full of shallow people. They don’t know what true beauty is and has instead made a superficial definition of it. In due time, they will discover the truth, but I hope it won’t be late.
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: January 6th, 2010 at 8:51 pm →
Hi Vered,
I’ve enjoyed reading all of the comments on this fascinating post, and especially like J.D.’s “Beauty on the outside captures the eye, beauty on the inside captures the heart.” So true!
Emsxiety responds:
Posted: January 6th, 2010 at 10:04 pm →
How sad that they’ll never find true love and happiness in their lives. To only live on the surface of life causes you to miss so many great adventures.
Robin responds:
Posted: January 9th, 2010 at 10:40 pm →
Hi Vered – oh well I don’t think I would get into that club – phew!
This topic has fascinated me for a long time – body image being an issue to me – if only those of us with this issue could learn to see ourselves they way those who love us do.
Vered – I’m closing my blog. I just wanted to drop in and say thanks so much for being a big part of my blogging journey – when you and Chris joined club LLF (a small select club – heh) it was a turning point. Thank you!
P.L. responds:
Posted: January 13th, 2010 at 10:57 am →
The idea of “beautiful people = shallow people ” is just another cliche.
Beautiful people are targeted by rejection too.
Sandra Bullock: She can’t remember the name of a high school friend but she remembers the name of every guy who told her she was “ugly”.
Cameron Diaz: In high school boys used to call her “skeletor” because she was skinny.
you may check them telling that in their biography in Biography channel.
On top of that “beautiful people” are targeted by the belief of fat people about “shallow people”.
Normally, fatness comes from addiction to food.
There is a group called “Overeaters anonymous” that welcome people who are addicted to food.
Food is used as a replacement of care, or a way to fight anxiety, and fat creates a barrier, a wall, to “stay away” from people.
When people reject fat people, subconsciously they stay away, and consciously they feel anxiety so they eat.
There are plenty of products that sieze this need of fat people to be accepted.
But the true is that no one may get thin if he/she does not heal the pain inside.
Once pain is healed, an appropriate diet and exercise, but mostly self-discipline (which is the toughest part) is the solution. Just like workout during one day or a month does not turn a man into Hercules, a day or a month of self-discipline will not have spectacular results.
The spectacular result comes after a few years of self-discipline, once the inner pain has been healed. There is a comic book called “Flaxen” by Dark Horse comics, where Susy Owens, a playmate who was a nurse who not “born beautiful”, tells her story in issue #1. The comic is about a gorgeous woman in superhero costume who was a fat nurse, and she saves fat women who envy her and do not suspect her past. It was aimed to help fat people. For obvious reasons it was not a major hit, because most of people do not understand the problems of fat people.
Owens built herself with diet, exercise and self-discipline in the 1980s. It is worth to take a look at issue #1.
Ann Williams responds:
Posted: February 4th, 2010 at 7:30 pm →
I would like to point out that this company has its headquarters in Denmark. You would never be able to sue them for your emotional or financial hardship. ‘BP’ says, they have a ban on porno with their site, but they advertise mail order brides (human trafficking) and other underground garbage. Your a fool to buy into a site like this. Ever hear of white collar crime? Doesn’t get better than this site next to porn sites. BP execs know the laws that work for their business in every country that they are working in. BP execs didn’t just fall off the tomato truck and their lawyers, in house and outside are well paid. It’s good to be a lawyer in the internet age isn’t it!
Karen Sequeira responds:
Posted: February 9th, 2010 at 9:39 am →
Thank you for your kind and inspiring words. You are so right.
Someone special once told me that each of us is so unique that though its difficult at times, we should consider ourselves as God’s masterpieces. Each person is different. Just like your “plain” friend, I’ve met a lot of people, who at first glance didn’t leave an impact on me, until I had the honour of getting to know them.
Keep writing!
MomGrind responds:
Posted: February 9th, 2010 at 10:29 am →
Thank you Karen.