Slipping Through My Fingers
She was 7 months old in this photo.
My oldest daughter is ten years old and I can already feel her slipping through my fingers. She’s still “mine,” thank god – she’s devoted and loving and seeks my guidance and my approval – but here and there I get these tiny, unsettling glimpses into what it would be like in 3-4 years, and I am filled with sadness.
They don’t call them pre-teens anymore. It is now “tweens,” which I hate, but I have to admit that – looking at my daughter – there’s good reason to give a name to those years right before the teen years, right before you lose them forever.
Because you do lose them forever, don’t you? Sure, not all teens have the same need to rebel and to separate themselves from their parents. And many young people eventually find their way back, relearning to respect and to admire their parents. But once the process starts, once the hormones surge and change her, it will never go back to the way it is now.
We love each other so much. We also have a lot of respect for each other. She is smart and beautiful and gentle and caring. In fact, she is one of the kindest people I know. I worry about her: is she too kind? Will people take advantage of her? But most of all, I worry about losing this special connection that we have. I know that the first time she will look at me, and I will see disapproval in those dark eyes, my heart will break.
These days, I am enjoying every single moment with my daughter, and the anticipation of her drifting away only enahnces the joy she brings me now. It’s like savoring the last few bites of a great dish or the last pages of an amazing book… you know it’s almost over, which makes you enjoy the experience even more.
There’s a lot of joy in raising children but there’s also a lot of pain. I guess you open yourself to the possibility of pain and loss whenever you love someone.
I am bracing myself for the inevitable pain of my daughters’ teenage years.
Filed under Parenthood —
Email This Post,
Subscribe To Comments, Trackback,
- Related Posts:
Subscribe Via 
Bamboo Forest - PunIntended responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 9:09 am →
I wonder what your daughter would think of this blog posts once she turns 13
Be interesting to get her perspective.
John Hoff - WP Blog Host responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 9:15 am →
Maybe it’s because my kids are only 1 and 4, but I’ve never heard of tweens. What’s the reasoning behind that name?
I feel you, though. I too feel like you do. Many times I just stare at my kids and sometimes wish they’d never grow up… but then there are other times I wish they’d grow up faster LOL.
maxolasersquad responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 9:36 am →
My oldest is eight, and I’ve seen it coming for a while. I try to mold what I do now in preparation for the teenage years. Once they come, the child is in many ways on their own, and I want my children to be as prepared as I can.
I know I did some pretty stupid things when I was that age, and I’m certain my children will do the same. I have to look at it with the understanding that this is something that must happen. Each part of their development has rewards and frustrations. My two-year-old still has accidents from time to time, and that is really frustrating. But she also clings to me like a big teddy bear. When she will be a teenager she won’t cling to me so much, but she’ll be able to do almost everything by herself, freeing up some of my time.
Betsy Wuebker responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 9:51 am →
They don’t have to be painful, you know. They’re the ones who decide whether or not at that point, which is the most disconcerting aspect. I couldn’t believe it when my kids stopped minding me! I was, “What? You mean you’re not going to do what I tell you?!” Incredulous! But, “it” doesn’t have to be over at all. It can be different, and, I think, better. As much as it’s awful when they don’t like you, as you’re fearing, most of them, thankfully, grow out of that.
Cath Lawson responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 10:00 am →
Hi Vered – She is so cute. I hate the term tween also – Jessica my youngest is 12. They didn’t have “tweens” when I was younger – it’s like it’s a ploy by society to make kids grow up quicker, so they have more people to market cosmetics and other crap to.
Sagan responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 10:46 am →
Such an adorable picture!
It might be a little painful, but the GOOD thing is that as she grows older, yes, your relationship will be DIFFERENT, but it will also be GROWING. Now is when the fun beings: you get to see her go off into the world and accomplish amazing things and become a beautiful young woman. What could be better than that?
Davina responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 12:19 pm →
Hi Vered.
As you know, I don’t have children. But from what you’ve written, I can tell how much respect you have for each other. Children go through growing phases; we go through growing phases. Your relationship will change, that is for sure. But, I like to imagine you appreciating this tween of yours even more as she grows into her own woman; as she puts into practice what you’ve taught her, with a dash of her own learning. I don’t know how I *know* this, but I bet you’ll be surprised at just how much closer you two become as she grows into womanhood.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 12:56 pm →
Bamboo Forest, I agree – should be interesting.
John, I too wished they would grow faster at those ages, but now… every moment is precious.
Maxo, I feel the same – trying to prepare them and myself for those years, trying to leave an impression while they still listen to me.
Betsy, you have a way of helping me put things in perspective. Thank you.
Cath, I agree! It IS a ploy.
Sagan, I know what you mean – sometimes I can’t wait to see her as a young woman, but I mostly try to hold on to the present..
Davina, I certainly hope so. I want to always be close to her, and like Betsy said, it’s hard to accept that she will be the one to decide.
Dot responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 2:19 pm →
What a cutie! Of course there are painful times along with the delight of having kids. The way I express it is that babies have a very short life. Then the baby disappears, only to be seen in glimpses in the toddler, older child, and adult. Although I’m not a mother, my impression is that all mothers miss the baby stage, and probably the other stages, too.
Children do need to individuate from their parents, and they have varying degrees of difficulty doing that. When it’s difficult, such as when the parents refuse to acknowledge the changes, there is a need to be extremely emphatic about it, as in rebellion. When the parents acknowledge and reward signs of growing up, while still leaving room for the child to temporarily regress back to being a child, it’s not usually so full of anger.
Dr. J responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 2:22 pm →
That’s beautiful, Vered! The saying goes that a parent’s job is to give their children roots and wings, and the wings are the hard part.
I’m sure many parents would bonsai their children like a little tree if they could
Sean Platt responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 4:41 pm →
I’m sure you know how much I feel you here, Vered. I had something I was writing over the weekend, very similar in subject in tone, that I actually had to walk away from. You have two years on me, but I feel the same slipping through my own digits. Your children are extremely fortunate they have such a wonderful soul of a mother as you, and that you take the time to acknowledge who they are and reflect on who they might one day be.
Dominique responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 4:57 pm →
Vered,
It is never easy for the parent when the child transits from one stage of their live to another. It is the same with our own parents our relationship with them changes as we both grow.
Lawyer Mom responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 6:50 pm →
Be mindful of your expectations . . . we often get what we expect. Still, I’m a little over a year ahead of you (with my son) and I think I know just how you feel.
A wise friend of mine who has grown children told me, “You’ll lose them for a while — oh, for about seven years, give or take — and then they come back with an adult head on their shoulders. And when they’re adults, it’s absolutely wonderful.” She glowed when she told me this and oh, how much better I felt.
MomGrind responds:
Posted: February 15th, 2010 at 8:32 pm →
Dot, I do hope that respecting my kids’ need to grow up will prevent full fledged rebellion.
Dr. J, yup, if I only could.
Sean, I’m sure this is a pain we share! Most loving parents do, I imagine.
Dominique, how true about our parents! Watching them grow old is especially tough.
Lawyer Mom, I suspect it’s true – I shouldn’t be expecting a full fledged rebellion. On the other hand, who knows, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised if I do.
Thank you for sharing what your friend had told you. Her words are comforting.
Barbara Swafford responds:
Posted: February 16th, 2010 at 2:12 am →
Hi Vered,
What a beauty she is. You nailed it with, “you open yourself to the possibility of pain and loss whenever you love someone. ” But, would we really want it any other way?
What I found fascinating was even though the kids went through the “terrible teens”, when they became adults and began having kids of their own, they had a newly found respect for parenting and all of a sudden we were smart again.
Marelisa responds:
Posted: February 16th, 2010 at 2:15 am →
Well, what can I say Vered? Take lots of video now and when she’s acting up as a teenager lock yourself up in your room and watch the videos.
Heather Villa responds:
Posted: February 16th, 2010 at 7:27 am →
My daughter is 6 and I just try to enjoy each age and stage to it’s fullest. I know she’s going to grow up, but I try not to think about it too much and just live for the moment with her.
Diana responds:
Posted: February 16th, 2010 at 12:31 pm →
My two girls are in their 30s. I can honestly say that it has taken this long to really get them back. They each “left” in their own ways – and at different ages. It was extraordinarily painful for me because my mom died before our total reconciliation after my teens. But I think my girls and I are finally past the wall of individuation.
One if the things that helped was that my analyst kept telling me they couldn’t really survive without me. After all, I was the only one there for them after the divorce from their dad. But I never really believed her and my stress over this was awful. Now I know she was right. If you hang in there and, while not making yourself a doormat, make it clear that YOU CAN SURVIVE THEIR PUSHING OFF FROM YOU, and you will always be there if they want to talk, they do come back, if only slowly. Sometimes they even apologize for what they put you through. That is the best feeling in the world.
Patricia responds:
Posted: February 16th, 2010 at 2:17 pm →
Letting go is so hard to do, especially if you are holding on (too tightly). I found I had to embrace this life lesson and celebrate it and the rewards have been even greater than the fearful expectations.
Even though everyone kept saying to my youngest and me – that I was holding on too tightly – I knew I was letting go and letting go….My goal was always to keep choices open for her. When other kids told her she did not have to go to school, I went and walked her from class to class, I each hour reminded her she could choose dropping out or continuing on – it was her choice each hour of each day. Each day she made the choice to learn more, I found tutoring and paid for it to help her keep pace. We did lots of mediation sessions ….we tried counseling….we used drug therapy…..we did everything to remember that in this moment of each day she has choice.
She is not making choices right now that we would wish for her, but at 24 she understands each moment is a choice that is hers…..she is able to care for herself and pay most of her bills….(no health ins except our yet – she is a pre-existing condition all of her life) She is growing up! She is using her Independence streak to her success.
My older two children just did their steps into maturity without much fan fare….My Oldest went to Denmark for a year and Librarian Girl went to college two years early – This was not easy for them, but it was better than being around me! and ODD sister
Now I know that this case is a worst cast scenario…but it gave me the greatest lesson of letting go and understanding how I have ever experienced – and the truth is we have a few years of acquiring but most of life is about letting go…..and if we resist it comes at us first as pebbles, then rocks, then bricks, then….well you know that…
I still think you have to grieve and mourn your loss….but being fully prepared and embracing the future creates so much more love – than control….. hold on to the memories they are precious in deed….Glad you wrote this post to share your love with us….it is a loving adventure…
MomGrind responds:
Posted: February 16th, 2010 at 3:59 pm →
Barbara, I’ve experienced the same thing – I drifted away from my parents, slowly started my way back in my early twenties, but the big change happened when I had my first child at the age of 28.
Marelisa, sounds like a great idea.
Heather, living for the moment isn’t something I’m very good at… but I’m trying.
Diana, thank you for sharing your personal story. I’ll remember your advice.
Patricia, thank you too for sharing your own story and perspective. I agree that it’s best to let go when we need to – we don’t really have much choice anyway.
RC - Rambling Along... responds:
Posted: February 17th, 2010 at 11:12 am →
I know this tug well, although my child is only three. However, as I watch him become a little more independent each day, I mourn the loss of the baby I had and at the same time, fill with pride at the young man that he is becoming.
I dread the loss of closeness I know is coming, but am trying to just enjoy what I have with him right now.
No advice from me, as this is just part of the circle of life, but know you are not alone. They are our little people for too short a time…
Tess The Bold Life responds:
Posted: February 17th, 2010 at 5:15 pm →
If we didn’t have the pain we wouldn’t have the joy. It’s true you’re losing her and “she” won’t be back. I have four daughters all in their 30′s. There are gifts at every stage. Teen years are rough however there is fun in watching them date, or excel in sports, art or whatever they choose. It is fun watching them fall in love and spread their wings. I listened to their music and we ran together when my daughters were younger.
It’s a normal process you’re going through. Yes enjoy those moments. My granddaughter is 16 in April and I lost her in the last year and a half. She was a late bloomer. But this weekend we’re meeting in Chicago to have fun, it’s a different kind of fun but she shares things with me that blow my mind. She’s the best….
MomGrind responds:
Posted: February 18th, 2010 at 12:40 pm →
RC, it always amazes me that parenting brings so much pain and worry along with the intense joy. It’s certainly a wild ride.
Tess, “If we didn’t have the pain we wouldn’t have the joy” – an interesting way of looking at it. Thank you for sharing your own story!
Jannie Funster responds:
Posted: February 18th, 2010 at 1:17 pm →
Sweet photo!!
Tears in my eyes for sure on this post. I can so relate! As Patricia, I’ll be probably holding on too tightly to my daughter when I should be letting go.
Kelly is so happy these days to run into school to be with her friends when I drop her off — my separate little entity in her own little world in many ways, growing up and away as she must.
In fact, one of the new songs I’ll be recording was inspired by the very thought of her growing up and away. We were driving in the car one day and I asked her something and she didn’t respond. She was in her own thoughts, as people tend to do, and not hear each other.
And I started singing, the words and melody came pretty-much together.
“She is leaving
She is leaving
She is going away.
And I am sadder
than the ocean
in the autumn
when the children
have all gone away
to classrooms
where they sit
there slowly fading.
I am sadder
than the ocean
in October
when the snow
has come too
early and too
quickly and too
deeply and too dark.”
The title is “Sadder Than The Ocean.”
Depressing eh??
It has a nice melody I think , tho.
You’ll be hitting the teen years first with yours — let me know what to expect, okay
Oh, I think kindness is so wonderful, one can never be too kind. Just have your daughter read Betsy’s and Lori’s ” A User’s Guide To Narcissism.” And your girl will be well prepared for life.
Barb Hartsook responds:
Posted: February 20th, 2010 at 9:17 am →
‘Hi Mama.’
When I get that call, I know I’m still mama, even to my 42-year-old daughter. She still needs me — just differently.
I’m close to my girls — even more so now that they have teenagers, that’s true. But in different ways.
What I do miss, Vered, is the snuggling, kissing away tears, playing cards, or scrabble, before school. Or reading aloud. Or building a dollhouse together. Running and jumping and painting rocks out in the yard, taking hikes and oohing and ahhing with them as they discovered exciting pieces of life. Bragging about them to my own mom — well, I still brag, but my mom has gone on.
In college, preparing to teach, I had to take child psychology courses to prepare me for the ‘inevitablilites’ of childhood. Even at the time I thought that was such a disservice to kids. When I started having babies myself and was told ‘just wait until…’ followed by the awful stages they’d go through, I dismissed that too.
If my kids went through ‘stages’ so be it. It would be their own, not something prescribed and accepted by me at face value. And my three girls all wrote their own. My youngest never went through the rebellion, don’t like mom, phase. I didn’t either, as a teen, while both my sisters did. (I was middle child, so that has nothing to do with it. Temperament does.)
Yes, Vered, you’ll cry some. But the best I can give you — as a grandma with a couple grown granddaughters and a slew of younger ones — is to embrace it all. Because it is fleeting. Our children’s childhood(s) are very short. And someday you’ll be preparing your precious beautiful child how to deal with raising her own.
Barb
Michelle @ Find Your Balance responds:
Posted: February 22nd, 2010 at 12:46 pm →
I feel that after the teenage years passed, I have gone back to a real relationship with my mom. So maybe it goes, but it can return.
Kelly@SHE-POWER responds:
Posted: February 22nd, 2010 at 3:32 pm →
Your daughter looks adorable in this photo. I really feel where you are coming from at the moment as Bunny has started school and appears to have suddenly become so much more grown up. He hangs out for his dad to come home now and they have a special male relationship I cannot recreate. He’s still mama’s baby of course, but I wonder how much longer that will last and I can’t bear to think about the day when he will be so wraped up in his own life he might not see me at all. I do believe that the work you put in during the early years though will come back to you later. Not in the teens (unless you’re lucky), but later. When again mum holds a spcial place in a child’s heart.
Enjoy every moment with your girls, Vered. We are so lucky to be blessed with children.
Kelly