April 2010

Vaginal Rejuvenation Awareness Day? Seriously?

by MomGrind

plastic surgery 250The email was titled “Vaginal Rejuvenation Awareness Day–You’re Invited!”

Inside the email, Vanessa politely explained that I have been chosen to participate in this “important discussion” becuase I’m a mommy blogger, and as we all know, moms endure childbirth and so have vaginas that no longer function properly and apparently need surgery to be restored back to their youthful tightness.

Vaginal Rejuvenation surgery is generally offered as an elective, cosmetic procedure, feeding on women’s fears and insecurities about their bodies, but Vanessa says this is not just about beautifying our private parts, but about treating serious medical issues. Specifically, she mentions two medical issues that vaginal rejuvenation supposedly solves: bladder or rectal prolapse and stress urinary incontinence.

I immediately consulted my trusted online sources for medical info and looked into her claims. Will you be shocked if I tell you that according to the Mayo Clinic website, the treatment for rectal prolapse has nothing to do with “veginal rejuvenation?” According to WebMD, a prolapsed bladder can be treated in various ways, and only if severe it requires surgery. Again, NOT vaginal rejuvenation surgery. The same is true for stress urinary incontinence.

I could be wrong, but I will venture a wild guess here that unlike “Vaginal Rejuvenation” procedures, these treatments do not make your vagina look like the vagina of a 12 year old.

Make no mistake: vaginal rejuvenation is about making your vagina “pretty” and tight. It is a completely unnecessary procedure that can lead to serious problems, including infection, scarring, incontinence, loss of sensation and painful sexual intercourse.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists warns against cosmetic vaginoplasty and other so-called vaginal rejuvenation procedures. If you suffer from a real medical issue following childbirth, go see your doctor and see what can be done to remedy the situation. But if you are active and healthy and doing your Kegel exercises daily and don’t suffer from any issues, stay away from these scammers and leave your vagina alone. It is perfect, just the way it is.

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Loved this comment: “It sounds so shocking when we first hear about it but then we remember breast augmentation has been around for a while and think, huh, they’re cousins. Can you imagine the amount of money that goes to things like this instead of eliminating debts, feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, etc?” Belinda Munoz, The Halfway Point.

Can We Save Planet Earth?

by MomGrind

earth day 2010

Maybe we can’t.

Perhaps Global Warming is happening regardless of our presence here.

Or maybe our presence does contribute to it, but the only way to make a real impact – to stop global warming or even just to slow it down – is to live a life that we can’t live anymore, a life that we don’t want to live – a life without automobiles, airplanes or any other type of polluting, energy-consuming industry.

Can humanity go back to being a non-industrialized society?

Maybe Huffington Post’s Gazelle Emami is right – maybe all these efforts to recycle, reuse, consume responsibly are just a drop in the ocean, maybe we are wasting our time, soothing our conscience but making little impact. Maybe we need to stop driving cars, stop having kids, stop flying.

Maybe if we simply cease to exist, Earth can be saved… no doubt humans are polluting and draining Earth of its precious resources. But then again, maybe Earth is doomed to heat up and disappear underwater regardless of what humans do (though it could certainly take much longer without our contribution).

Looking at the Huffington Post’s 7 ways to truly make an impact, some of them are actually doable, especially when modified. Buying local, limiting meat intake (they say “go vegetarian”), choosing a hybrid car (rather than not owning a car) and purchasing carbon offsets when flying to name a few.

Whatever you’ve been doing, don’t stop doing it – reusable shopping bags, energy efficient lighting, insulating your home, composting, turning the heating down in the winter and the cooling in the summer, taking shorter showers – all of these do add up, especially if we all do them.

If we do nothing, many of us will likely not be here to experience the devastation that global warming will cause, but our children will.

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Interesting Comment: “Huffington Post’s Gazelle Emami is a simpleton. If everyone just followed her step #6 – “Don’t Have A Baby” – then the rest wouldn’t matter, would it? The “Human” problem would just take care of itself in a 100 years or so.” Computer Addict.

Why Do People Bully?

by MomGrind

Bullying

The phrase “why do people bully” is searched about 3000 times per month, according to the Google Adwords keyword tool – more during the last month, probably becuase of the Phoebe Prince suicide. I guess people who have heard about Phoebe’s death are trying to make sense of what had happened and figure out how to prevent it from happening in their own communities or to their own children.

why do people bully

Ever since I first heard about Phoebe Prince, a teenager who was harassed so badly at school that she put an end to her own life, I can’t stop thinking about it – not just about Prince’s heartbreaking story, or about the reports that the bullies are not even showing remorse, or about other teenagers who had committed suicide following ruthless bullying.

I think about that, of course, but mostly I’ve been thinking about the question that obviously bothers many other people – why DO people bully?

Evidently, people bully – which means picking on someone weaker than you are – to gain power and social acceptance. When bullies are not stopped, bullying continues and becomes worse, and as it weakens the victim, it strengthens the bully, and the relationships within the group of bullies.

In my recent post about the Holocaust, I wondered whether we all have a monster inside that would enable us to dehumanize a person and see them as less than human, so that we would not feel any remorse when inflicting pain and suffering – even death – on them.

I don’t know if the frequent occurrence of school bullying means that the answer is “yes.” Different people have different moral compasses and some are stronger than others. I do believe that some people would never hurt another human being, regardless of social pressure, possible social gain or the threat of negative social consequences. But I also think that many people are indeed capable of dehumanizing and hurting others for their own gain, and the only reason they don’t do it is fear of punishment.

Unfortunately, in many bullying situations, there’s no fear of punishment. While bullying is illegal in 42 US states, it is very difficult to prosecute. The nine teenagers who bullied Phoebe Prince will indeed be prosecuted, but whether they will be convicted is a different question. A direct link between the bullying and the death will need to be established, and this may be difficult to do in court.

Following the Phoebe Prince case, many experts are calling for stricter supervision of teenagers by parents and are saying that the best way to achieve that is to hold not just the teenagers, but the parents too, legally responsible for the results of bullying.

Bullying is apparently part of human nature, especially when someone’s moral compass is weak, but so are murder and burglary and assault. We don’t allow these behaviors – and we need to find a way to stop allowing, and enabling, bullying.

As parents, the best we can do is speak with our children about bullying – and start doing so early, when they still listen. Even young children can understand simple messages such as “sometimes we feel the urge to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves, but we need to fight that urge becuase hurting other people is wrong.” Or, “Sometimes kids pick on other kids really badly, and threaten them that if they tell their parents they would hurt them, but you should always tell us if someone hurts you. We will always help. Protecting you is part of our job.”

I strongly believe that the messages and values we instill in our kids early on stay with them for life. A strong message about bullying, in addition to modeling (if I am a bully, my kids are likely to perceive bullying as OK) and doing everything in our power to raise kids with a high self esteem can make a real difference in our kids’ lives and in our communities.

I’ve already discussed bullying with my own children. Have you talked with yours?

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Interesting Comment: “I thank God I made it through middle school bullying without hurting myself or someone else. I was tortured in two different schools, in two different states, in seventh and eight grade… It was a classroom full of kids either saying and doing cruel things, or laughing and standing by watching. In that way, I can see the Holocaust connection – when bystanders do nothing about things they know are wrong, tragedies happen.” Tina Kubala, The Creative Nerd.

An interesting read: Bullying Decoded, the Economics of Abuse by Ed Kaspar

I Saw The Rose. And I Smiled.

by MomGrind

As I stood there in the kitchen, next to the sink, washing dishes, I glanced outside to the backyard. I was frowning, becuase a stray cat has been using our backyard as its litter box lately, and I find the need to clean after it extremely annoying.

And then I saw it: a rose in full bloom, white and pristine and beautiful. And I smiled, becuase after a dreary winter, how can you not smile when you see something finally blooming in what is otherwise a rather grayish yard, still not fully recovered from the winter.

white rose

Of course, as I grabbed my camera and ran outside to share this miracle with you, I found another rose, a pink rose, also in full bloom and so very pretty:

pink rose

The yellow roses, my favorites, are still sleepy… they are taking their time. I think I will get to enjoy them in May.

yellow rose

Then, a disturbing thought: could this be my THIRD “my roses are blooming” blog post on this blog? Why yes it is. Maybe I should stop harassing you with these posts, but how could I? Year after year, as my roses start to bloom, it feels like a miracle, all over again.

The End Of Racial Segregation?

by MomGrind

multiracial kids

I am sitting here at the local park and enjoying the sun. The weather is beautiful, and I’m saying a silent “thank you” for living in the beautiful San Francisco Bay Area of California. The kids are playing happily, climbing and jumping and running. I sit there, melting in the warm rays of the sun, feeling relaxed and happy. And then, as I watch the kids playing, I realize that what I’m seeing is beautiful – far more beautiful than just kids playing, or green grass or a bright sunny day: what I’m witnessing is racial blindness, color blindness, complete racial integration – and the best of all: while I’m aware of what I’m seeing, the kids are not even aware that they are playing with kids who are “different.”

That little blond child running around with his Asian friend? I don’t think either of them is paying much attention to the fact that their skin tones and the shape of their eyes are different. And look at that little African American girl, happily playing on the monkey bars with my own Jewish American kids – they are focused on playing and on helping her learn the proper technique of doing the monkey bars. No one seems to care that they are playing with someone whose skin is colored differently than their own skin, or whose traditions are different than their own.

I close my eyes and reflect on the Seder night at my beloved friends’ home – celebrating Passover with them is always an amazing (and yummy!) experience. Now I remember that their daughter brought her best friend with her to the Seder night – the Jewish American girl and the Asian American girl, best friends, getting to know each other’s cultures, never judging, never building walls, just accepting.

Or the wonderful farewell party held a few weeks ago for our neighbors who are retiring to Arizona. Neighbors on the guest list: British, Taiwanese, Indian, Jewish, and part Hispanic. Unlike the children, we are accepting – but aware of the differences. We talk about them, ask questions about the others’ culture. It’s still beautiful – accepting and non-judgmental – but it lacks the beauty of the kids’ lack of awareness.

Now contrast that beautiful racial integration and acceptance surrounding me here, in the Bay Area of 2010, with the movie I watched on DVD last night – Far From Heaven. The movie captures the racial tension and prejudice typical of the 1950s – and makes one realize just how ridiculous those social taboos were, forcing people to live a lie or be shunned by society. The scene where a little black boy enters the pool at a resort and all the white kids run out of the water is absolutely shocking.

Of course, here in the United States we don’t have official racial segregation anymore – but in practice, I don’t think we have achieved racial blindness either. With an African American President, the glass ceiling has finally been broken – I am so proud of that – but it would be foolish to pretend that race is not an issue anymore.

Basking in the sun’s warm rays, watching the kids playing with each other, I am saying another silent “thank you,” and hoping that these amazing kids who are so blissfully racially blind will grow up to be adults who just don’t accept race-based prejudice anymore, a generation that will end racial segregation and racial discrimination once and for all.

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Loved this comment: “If one starts at the north pole and walks to the equator, initially people will be very light skinned, as the walk continues, people will become darker until reaching the equator. This change will happen so gradually that it will not be noticed, only the north and south extremes… there is only one race, the human race. The concept of more than one race is not real.” Dr. J, Dr J. Will See You Now

For Miep, Every Day Is Holocaust Remembrance Day

by MomGrind

Oma 480

Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Remembrance day, begins tonight at sundown and ends tomorrow night. But for my grandmother Miep, who is 94 years old and a Holocaust survivor, every day is Holocaust Remembrance Day. She and my late grandfather Arie were in their twenties when Holland became occupied by the Nazis. They managed to escape the Nazis for more than a year, hiding in different places, until, in their last hiding place, a neighbor turned them in. They spent a horrible year in Tereisenstadt concentration camp, stripped of all human dignity, and separated from their daughter, my aunt, Elizabeth. Grandma lost her father, her brother and many other family members, almost died of typhus, and suffers nightmares every single night. My grandfather Arie passed away in 1996.

Ever since I can remember myself, thinking about the Holocaust fills me not with sadness, but with rage. As a child, I used to try to imagine going through what they went through. Being kicked out of my home, living in tiny hiding places, not being able to go to school or to work, being forced to give up everything, knowing that because I am Jewish, just because I am Jewish, I can be harassed, tortured, ridiculed, and murdered.

With my eyes closed, I think about how cold they must have been in Holland in the winter in those tiny hiding places. How hungry and scared they must have felt! My Oma, my grandmother, a true lady, always impeccably dressed, how did she feel there, stripped of everything, her identity taken away from her, how did she cope with being so cold and hungry and desolate? A year of constant hiding, her baby in her arms, scared and fragile and completely dependent on the people who gave her shelter. Eating scraps, not allowed to move, be very quiet baby Elizabeth, if you cry, they will find us.

The neighbor that turned them in – was he proud of himself? I wonder. Did he get anything from the Germans in return? They had to leave their hiding place, pale and weak and skinny and scared, Miep and Arie went with the German soldiers, but they didn’t take Elizabeth with them. The amazing, kind people who hid them told the Germans that Liz was their own daughter and she stayed there with them, safe, for a long, long year.

A year in Tereisenstadt. Can anyone who hasn’t been there even begin to grasp the extent of the horror? I don’t think so. I have read about the camps, and I’ve seen photos, those horrible photos of people like you and I who were treated like animals – worse than animals actually – starved and beaten and tortured and mass murdered. I am closing my eyes again and I wonder, do I have that in me? Do we all have a monster inside that would enable us to believe that a fellow human being is not human, that they are something less and we can inflict terrible pain and suffering on them without ever feeling remorse? It’s a scary thought, and as much as it is tempting to think that it was something about the Germans that made them capable of such unimaginable cruelty, the latter part of the twentieth century showed that genocides were still possible and that the world was not too quick to intervene and stop them.

My grandparents suffered immensely at the concentration camp. They hardly ever talked about it, but I do know that Grandma almost died of typhus and that grandpa had a terrible “job” of getting valuables off dead bodies before burning them in the crematorium. My dear grandpa, a true gentleman, I can’t imagine him going through this. My dear, dear grandpa Arie, how you have suffered. My eyes fill with tears.

The war ended and they were released and reunited with their daughter Liz. They rebuilt their lives and raised a beautiful family that didn’t lack an element of dysfunction, as one would expect. They were – they are – beautiful people and everything has been taken away from them and they went through hell, because they were Jews, just because they were Jews. Their lives were ruined, changed forever – they were changed forever – and my father’s life was forever touched too by being born, after the war, to a family of Holocaust survivors.

When I think about the Holocaust, I don’t feel sadness. I feel rage.

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In the photo: Grandma Miep holding her great granddaughter, my daughter, in Jerusalem, May 2000.

The Wow Factor: Is It Ruining Our Culture?

by MomGrind

WowCulture has been getting faster and shallower for hundreds of years, says Seth Godin, and encourages us to have meaningful conversations with a smaller number of people and to create thoughtful content instead of trying to get that shallow, meaningless “wow” from thousands – or from millions.

I agree – I think anyone would agree – that meaningful, long-term conversations and relationships are more important and have a higher value – to the individual and to the culture – than quick, drive-by, “wow”-type interactions, but as a blogger I have to say that the temptation is huge.

After all, if you’re not Seth Godin – if you’re a non-celebrity person who produces high quality content for a small group of fans, at some point it becomes frustrating. If you can’t get lots of people to read your words, what value do they have? If I write something shallow and meaningless such as this, and it goes viral on Stumbleupon and gets 100,000 page views in one day, and then I write something deep and meaningful and it gets 1,000 page views, which piece is more important? Which made a bigger difference?

And then there’s the question of money of course – people need to make a living and most would love to make a nice living – so if the deep, thoughtful piece does not make me money but the shallow crap does – it becomes a tough choice.

This blog is an interesting experiment, becuase it is my space so I get to do whatever I want here. I sometimes go with shallow crap, sometimes with deep thoughts and sometimes with something in between. While I sometimes look at the shallow posts that I produce and tell myself “I can’t believe you just wrote this,” I can also tell you that when I write something deeper and it does not go viral on social media and relatively few people read it, I feel disappointed.

When you’re a new blogger, one of the first pieces of advice you hear is that people on the Internet don’t read – they scan – and that you should write short posts with lots of bullets, numbers and lists. They tell you to highlight the important lines and to add a pretty picture. The assumption is that long = tedious and that no one these days has the time, the attention span or the number of live brain cells required to read and process long articles, however thought-provoking or culture-changing they may be.

So if you’ve read all these words, and you are still with me (unlikely since this post is turning out to be almost 500 words long, is not bulleted or numbered and does not discuss a celebrity), I would love to hear your thoughts:

If you produce or market content, are you going for the wow factor, or do you insist on being authentic, even if it means your audience will always be small? And if you’re a reader, do you find yourself gravitating towards titles such as “Kim Kardashian Tweets Bikini Pics” while ignoring deeper titles that lack the wow factor?

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Loved this comment: “If the wow stuff can get people to come, some of them might be also into the deeper stuff you write. Some of the people that only read shallow stuff might have a moment of weakness and accidentally start looking at the deeper posts and be converted into philosophers, so you never know. South Park has lots of fart jokes but there are also sharp social commentaries in many episodes. The wow might bring the crowd and attention, but maybe it will make some of them think. Then maybe, the shallow stuff has value that way.” Kelvin Kao, Puppet Kaos.