The phrase “why do people bully” is searched about 3000 times per month, according to the Google Adwords keyword tool – more during the last month, probably becuase of the Phoebe Prince suicide. I guess people who have heard about Phoebe’s death are trying to make sense of what had happened and figure out how to prevent it from happening in their own communities or to their own children.

Ever since I first heard about Phoebe Prince, a teenager who was harassed so badly at school that she put an end to her own life, I can’t stop thinking about it – not just about Prince’s heartbreaking story, or about the reports that the bullies are not even showing remorse, or about other teenagers who had committed suicide following ruthless bullying.

I think about that, of course, but mostly I’ve been thinking about the question that obviously bothers many other people – why DO people bully?

Evidently, people bully – which means picking on someone weaker than you are – to gain power and social acceptance. When bullies are not stopped, bullying continues and becomes worse, and as it weakens the victim, it strengthens the bully, and the relationships within the group of bullies.

In my recent post about the Holocaust, I wondered whether we all have a monster inside that would enable us to dehumanize a person and see them as less than human, so that we would not feel any remorse when inflicting pain and suffering – even death – on them.

I don’t know if the frequent occurrence of school bullying means that the answer is “yes.” Different people have different moral compasses and some are stronger than others. I do believe that some people would never hurt another human being, regardless of social pressure, possible social gain or the threat of negative social consequences. But I also think that many people are indeed capable of dehumanizing and hurting others for their own gain, and the only reason they don’t do it is fear of punishment.

Unfortunately, in many bullying situations, there’s no fear of punishment. While bullying is illegal in 42 US states, it is very difficult to prosecute. The nine teenagers who bullied Phoebe Prince will indeed be prosecuted, but whether they will be convicted is a different question. A direct link between the bullying and the death will need to be established, and this may be difficult to do in court.

Following the Phoebe Prince case, many experts are calling for stricter supervision of teenagers by parents and are saying that the best way to achieve that is to hold not just the teenagers, but the parents too, legally responsible for the results of bullying.

Bullying is apparently part of human nature, especially when someone’s moral compass is weak, but so are murder and burglary and assault. We don’t allow these behaviors – and we need to find a way to stop allowing, and enabling, bullying.

As parents, the best we can do is speak with our children about bullying – and start doing so early, when they still listen. Even young children can understand simple messages such as “sometimes we feel the urge to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves, but we need to fight that urge becuase hurting other people is wrong.” Or, “Sometimes kids pick on other kids really badly, and threaten them that if they tell their parents they would hurt them, but you should always tell us if someone hurts you. We will always help. Protecting you is part of our job.”

I strongly believe that the messages and values we instill in our kids early on stay with them for life. A strong message about bullying, in addition to modeling (if I am a bully, my kids are likely to perceive bullying as OK) and doing everything in our power to raise kids with a high self esteem can make a real difference in our kids’ lives and in our communities.

I’ve already discussed bullying with my own children. Have you talked with yours?

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Interesting Comment: “I thank God I made it through middle school bullying without hurting myself or someone else. I was tortured in two different schools, in two different states, in seventh and eight grade… It was a classroom full of kids either saying and doing cruel things, or laughing and standing by watching. In that way, I can see the Holocaust connection – when bystanders do nothing about things they know are wrong, tragedies happen.” Tina Kubala, The Creative Nerd.

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