When Life Feels Like a Russian Roulette

by MomGrind

business closed

We were walking together through downtown, all four of us. It was Sunday, the weather was sunny and warm, and we had just finished a leisurely brunch. We were in a good mood, and as I often do, especially when we are all together and I know everyone is safe, I said a silent “Thank you” to whomever, whatever it is that had given me so much.

And then I noticed the sign on the closed door of one of the stores we passed on our way to the car. I stopped, and read that horrible sign, simple words in black ink spelling pain and fear, the end of “normal,” an illness serious enough that a family would have to close its business, and my happiness turned into sadness. Those dark thoughts that became part of me when I was a teenager, the dark thoughts that I have learned to chase away with everyday busyness, focusing on the present, on the now, rarely allowing myself to think about the bigger picture, those thoughts were back, and when they’re back, they’re very difficult to shake.

Because life IS a Russian Roulette, after all. A cruel game we have to play, and as we dodge a bullet after bullet and we feel so lucky, we never stop to think that the more bullets we dodge, the more years go by, eventually we will have to face a bullet – that final bullet that would put an end to it all, because in the Russian Roulette of life, everyone must die in the end.

See why I taught myself to stop thinking this way? 🙂

It’s useless, I know. A very wise friend told me once that the happiest of all are those who manage to focus not on the past (those tend to be depressed and full of regrets) or on the future (those tend to be worried and stressed) but on the present. On the here and now, on the many pleasures and adventures that life has to offer.

Most of the time, I do. But once in a while I revert back to my old ways of thinking about the future, and when I do, I feel scared and helpless.

How do you handle life? Do you live in the past, in the future, or in the present?

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