These are images of before-and-after photoshopping, taken from the Ann Taylor website. Apparently, the “before” was published by mistake.

I’m looking at what was done here, and I’m thinking back to my recent rant about the “new female ideal,” and you know what? I take it back.

I still hope we will one day get to see all kinds of women gracing catalogs and magazines, that one day many types of figures and complexions and ages will be acceptable and considered beautiful – but until that day arrives, if I must choose between these two images as a role model for my pre-teen daughters:

Then I’m choosing the woman who looks as if she’s alive, eating and BREATHING.

Photo credit: watchwithkristin

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My Post on Christina Hendricks? I Take it Back

I decided to allow my hair to gray naturally. This of course would be a non-issue if I were a man, but as a woman, this decision elicits all kinds of reactions, from “OMG you’re letting yourself go!” to “You go girl!” and anything in between.

I saw my first silver strands when I was in my twenties, and pretty much ignored them. By the time I was 30, I had quite a few, and I felt much too young for gray hair, so I started dyeing my hair. I hated it. Hated the time it took away from other activities, hated putting harsh chemicals in my hair, and I hated the way it damaged my hair, which used to be smooth and shiny and became frizzy and dull.

A few months ago, at the age of 38, I looked in the mirror and knew that I was aging. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not an idiot. I realize I’m a fairly attractive woman (am I allowed to say that?). But the aging process has begun and enough of the signs are there, such as skin discoloration and laugh lines, that gray hair seems completely appropriate. It’s difficult to explain, but the same silver strands that felt so out of place at age 30 now seem very natural, part of who I am, of who I am becoming.

But my main reason for deciding to stop dyeing my hair was the shame. As long as I was coloring, covering the silver strands, I felt ashamed of them, and since my hair is naturally very dark, they would show fairly quickly, just a couple of weeks after coloring. I would look in the mirror and fret over those roots, trying to decide what to do until my next coloring. I hated that – I hated feeling ashamed. Covering those roots was like covering who I really am – a woman near forty, no longer in my twenties, and I didn’t want to feel ashamed, I didn’t want my inevitable aging to be something that I needed to cover and hide.

So I stopped, about six months ago I think, and while I know that the photos here don’t really show the grays (I actually like to call them silvers, they really are sparkly), maybe in the photo below, if you look closely you see the silver strands, I can assure you that in real life they are quite noticeable, especially because the rest of the hair is so dark. In fact they are noticeable enough that people make comments and ask me about them (a common reaction is, “Wow, Vered, I haven’t realized you have so much gray hair! You really should color. Your skin is much too young, you look much too young to have gray hair.”)

Just like countless other women who have stopped covering their gray hair, I feel relief. It’s good to be free of a monthly process that I absolutely despised, to be free of the worries over whether my roots show, to be free to be who I am and to show my aging and to be OK with that.

But there are also worries, and just like countless other women, and men too actually, the worries are not at all on a personal level – my family and friends accept me either way and my husband still can’t get enough of me . But on a professional level, you can’t help but worry that you might be labeled “old” or “too old,” that looking older will damage your career – especially in a few years when I have more and more “salt” and less and less “pepper” in my hair.

Am I critical of people who choose to cover gray hair? Of course not. This is a very personal choice, and each of us needs to do what feels right to them, what feels natural. Just a short couple of years ago, if you suggested that I stop coloring my hair, I would have looked at you as if you were nuts.

At the time, it felt like coloring was the right choice. Now, I feel that letting my hair gray naturally is the right choice – for me.

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My Reasons for Going Gray

Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks’ body has been declared the “ideal” female body by British Equalities Minister Lynne Featherstone.

It’s great that Ms. Hendricks is getting ahead in the entertainment industry despite (maybe even because) of her non-skeletal figure, and I was just as upset as anyone when the New York Times fashion blogger had called Hendricks “A big girl,” but declaring Hendrick’s figure as the new “ideal” is a different matter. Think about it: Is Hendrick’s pronounced hourglass figure any more attainable to most women than fashion models’ extreme thinness?

And doesn’t this go back to the issue of extremes that I’ve discussed in the past – so we either have size zero, or Hendrick’s size 14, as coveted figures – but all the average, healthy, in-between sizes are completely ignored by the media. What does that do to women’s and girls’ body image?

As a naturally thin, narrow-hipped woman, I can tell you right here and now that as hard as I may try, puny little me will never get to Ms. Hendrick’s impressive, beautiful proportions. Should I feel bad about not having an “ideal” or a “feminine” figure? Or should I be happy that I am active and healthy and that my body weight is within the normal range?

The voluptuous Ms. Hendricks at the 16th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards Cocktail Reception; Puny little me at the local park last week

Why exactly do we need to set ideals for women anyway? What is this obsession with an ideal female figure? We truly do come in so many shapes and sizes (not to mention colors), that declaring one shape as the “ideal” shape is just plain silly. And while it’s fine for the fashion industry to do this – after all, they ARE in the business of creating a fantasy, and creating an unattainable fantasy is how they sell, anyone else should be very careful about declaring any type of female figure as the “ideal” figure.

As far as I’m concerned, the only ideal women should have in terms of their bodies is eating healthfully (OK, most of the time) and exercising regularly. If you stick with a healthy lifestyle and take care of your body (no smoking, no suntanning, limited alcohol and caffeine, you know the drill), then you’re doing an awesome job and should be proud of yourself.

A fit, strong body should be the ideal female body, regardless of its shape.

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The Hourglass Figure Is In. Yay. But Wait, Is That Good News?

These women are repulsive? I’m sorry but I just don’t see it.

I read with great interest a recent article in the Daily Mail (yes, I regularly read a British tabloid, I have my vices) titled “Why We Men Just Hate Sex & The City.” The article, written by James Delingpole, is extremely misogynist, and shows a deep fear of female sexuality and deep contempt towards older women. The author is “disgusted” by “middle-aged women having embarrassing sex” and would much rather watch young, plump, fertile women such as Scarlett Johansson.

It’s not an easy article to read, becuase the author is obviously being honest, and no doubt his point of view is shared by many men. As you read the article you can’t help but thinking that as men age, they do not lose their sex appeal, their power or their social status, but aging women are often deemed as unattractive and are expected to do the right thing, which is to stop being sexual beings, dress “appropriately” and quietly disappear into the background.

I hated the article, but I also hate Sex and the City, however I hate it for very different reasons than Mr. Delingpole.

Sex and the City, to me, represents an entire generation of women who have become slaves to consumerism. When Mr. Delingpole says, “Oh, and Manolo Blahniks: we don’t understand and we never will,” this is something I can actually relate to. While I don’t think that middle aged women are gross, I do think that spending your entire paycheck, month after month, on ridiculously overpriced designer shoes, handbags and clothing is disgusting.

There’s nothing wrong with loving fashion and admiring great style, but young women should have their priorities straight. Women need to save enough money so that some day they’ll be able to pay the down payment on their own apartment or house; they absolutely must have an emergency fund that would carry them through periods of unemployment; and they should stop wearing 5-inch heels on a daily basis. It shows disrespect towards one’s body.

As controversial as my next point might be, I also think that being sexually promiscuous, whether you’re a woman or a man, is not liberating or empowering. I think it is extremely risky and, in the long run, very unsatisfying.

So yes, I hate Sex and the City too.
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Link of Interest: “The characters of ‘Sex and the City 2′ are flyweight bubbleheads living in a world which rarely requires three sentences in a row. Their defining quality is consuming things… This sequence is an exercise in obscenely conspicuous consumption…” Roger Ebert. Thank you Ruth of Being Ruth for sending me the link.

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Sex And The City: I Hate It Too

The email was titled “Vaginal Rejuvenation Awareness Day–You’re Invited!”

Inside the email, Vanessa politely explained that I have been chosen to participate in this “important discussion” becuase I’m a mommy blogger, and as we all know, moms endure childbirth and so have vaginas that no longer function properly and apparently need surgery to be restored back to their youthful tightness.

Vaginal Rejuvenation surgery is generally offered as an elective, cosmetic procedure, feeding on women’s fears and insecurities about their bodies, but Vanessa says this is not just about beautifying our private parts, but about treating serious medical issues. Specifically, she mentions two medical issues that vaginal rejuvenation supposedly solves: bladder or rectal prolapse and stress urinary incontinence.

I immediately consulted my trusted online sources for medical info and looked into her claims. Will you be shocked if I tell you that according to the Mayo Clinic website, the treatment for rectal prolapse has nothing to do with “veginal rejuvenation?” According to WebMD, a prolapsed bladder can be treated in various ways, and only if severe it requires surgery. Again, NOT vaginal rejuvenation surgery. The same is true for stress urinary incontinence.

I could be wrong, but I will venture a wild guess here that unlike “Vaginal Rejuvenation” procedures, these treatments do not make your vagina look like the vagina of a 12 year old.

Make no mistake: vaginal rejuvenation is about making your vagina “pretty” and tight. It is a completely unnecessary procedure that can lead to serious problems, including infection, scarring, incontinence, loss of sensation and painful sexual intercourse.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists warns against cosmetic vaginoplasty and other so-called vaginal rejuvenation procedures. If you suffer from a real medical issue following childbirth, go see your doctor and see what can be done to remedy the situation. But if you are active and healthy and doing your Kegel exercises daily and don’t suffer from any issues, stay away from these scammers and leave your vagina alone. It is perfect, just the way it is.

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Loved this comment: “It sounds so shocking when we first hear about it but then we remember breast augmentation has been around for a while and think, huh, they’re cousins. Can you imagine the amount of money that goes to things like this instead of eliminating debts, feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, etc?” Belinda Munoz, The Halfway Point.

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Vaginal Rejuvenation Awareness Day? Seriously?

International Women’s Day is a global day celebrating the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future.

But celebrating International Women’s Day is always such a bittersweet experience for me – a reminder, year after year, that after accomplishing so much during the first three quarters of the 20th century, progress seems to have stalled during the past 30 years.

Maybe it’s because we’re now fighting for subtler rights – not for the right to vote or for the right to own property but for rights such as the right to be free of gender-based violence, for the right to be treated equally in the workplace, and for the right to be treated with respect.

We’re not there yet, and while some of my readers argue that my focus on media portrayal of women is wrong – that we have the choice to simply not consume those images, that the media doesn’t really have that much influence over us, I beg to differ.

I beg to differ because women like Lindsay copeland have taught me that media images did in fact influence their decision to undergo plastic surgery or liposuction; because many women still die every year trying to “improve” themselves with plastic surgery; because until I started educating myself, I never realized how heavily manipulated those media images really are; and because if we don’t know they are heavily manipulated, and young girls and women will not know unless we tell them, women will continue to be influenced by these images and feel inadequate, even depressed.

So what does it mean to be a woman in the 21st century in the developed world? First of all, it means you’re very lucky – by law, you have the exact same rights and freedoms as a man. You’re free to vote, to own property, to drive, to learn, to work. The law protects you from gender-based crime. You are doing so much better than your sisters in the developing world who are still being abused, harassed, raped, kidnapped, maimed, burned, stoned, trafficked, molested, exploited, and abducted on a daily basis – and in most cases, the criminals are never prosecuted, let alone spend jail time or otherwise pay for their crime.

But even for you, being a woman still means paying a heavy social, cultural and financial price. You waste thousands of dollars and precious time every year on looking “feminine.” You wear painful, damaging high heels and restrictive clothes, cover your “imperfections” with makeup, dye your hair to look “better” or “younger,” spend a fortune on anti-aging creams that don’t work, undergo dangerous plastic surgery, deadly liposuction and painful hair removal. You work hard but earn less than men do, work harder and get reprimanded for being a “bad mom.” You play like the guys and are labeled as a bitch, play nice and stay behind.

As the mother of two bright, talented young girls it pains me to say this, but in the 21st century, in the developed world, being a woman is still a major liability.

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Loved this Comment: “for the last ten years, the annual wages for females has been stalled in the high 70% bracket. Granted, it’s better than the 60% +/- we saw up until 1990, but we still have a long road ahead of us. It’s really no wonder more women are becoming business owners and taking the ball into their own hands and gaining control of their own income.” Barbara Swafford, Blogging Without A Blog.

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International Women’s Day 2010

The ideal woman? Young, thin, large breasted, and dumb looking

“For years, I was the primary candidate to fall slave to what society thinks beauty is or what a woman should be. Before I knew it I was 26 years old, 85 lbs with a fake tan, bleached blond hair, and a botched boob job.

No matter what I did, I was still not good enough. I was dating a plastic surgeon who wanted to botox, collagen, inflate, and lypo any inch of me he could put his injected, manicured hands on. I just couldn’t keep up anymore.

That’s when I found the blog world and a new venture towards learning to nurture myself and my soul. Dr. Dickhead was gone and I found a new knight in shining armor… myself.

I also found your blog. You helped me understand so much about how ludicrous our culture can be towards women, ideas of beauty and standards at which we must live by to feel successful or accomplished. All of a sudden, a new light was shed on the slights and tricks the media plays on us. Suddenly, I felt significantly more “normal” because I was seeing that the ideals and standards were never real. Before, I wasn’t aware of simple things like photo shopping and the sexism so many publications partake in.

I deeply appreciate your attention to these and so many more issues. You’ve personally helped me overcome a significant lack of confidence and pride in who I am. I still have a little ways to go, however, I draw inspiration from women like you daily and have come so far!”

Lindsay Copeland
The Appetite for Life

Letter and identifying information published with permission from Lindsay.

Photo by Beyrouth

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Loved This Comment: “I think that instead of enumerating all of the things which could potentially be wrong with our bodies, we should enumerate all of the things that are right about them.” Marelisa, Abundance Blog.

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THIS Is Why I Persist With Feminist Blogging

A mere eight weeks after giving birth, Kendra Wilkinson looks amazingly svelte on this OK! Magazine cover:

A miracle of nature, or yet another overzealous photoshopping job?

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Kendra Wilkinson’ Post Baby Body

8 months pregnant with my first child.

Post baby body. Where did this stupid phrase come from? Implying that women should care about what their body looks like when they just went through a huge transformation and are coping with some of the biggest challenges of their lives, emotionally, mentally and physically.

Just stop it already. After I had my first daughter, even though I didn’t gain a lot of weight, it took me about a year to go back to how I looked before. After giving birth, everything was soft and loose and yes, I had wobbly bits too.

I couldn’t have possibly cared less. I had a newborn, I was nursing her, and my body was very different, but I expected it to be very different. Toned and lean and muscular? That was very nice pre babies, and it’s very nice now that the kids are 8 and 10 and I have more time for myself and can work out every day.

But during that first year, I wore stretch pants and loose tops and I was beautiful and glowing because I was not starving myself in a ridiculous attempt to lose weight fast. I was eating right and taking walks and not stressing over unimportant things such as losing 40 pounds in 7 days, which is apparently what OK! magazine thinks is normal since they photoshopped Kourtney Kardashian to make it appear as if she had done just that:

Kardashian disclosed the fact that she was airbrushed which was quite admirable. How important for all those new moms looking at such a cover and admonishing themselves for still being overweight a few months after giving birth, when it is absolutely, perfectly, normal.

In my dream world, the phrase “post baby body” would cease to exist.

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Links of interest:

Supermodel Mom Gisele Didn’t Have to Wear Maternity Clothes – where the pressure moves from “post-baby body” to “during-baby body.” Awesome.

Please Don’t Retouch Me – where portrait photographer Timothy Greenfield-Sanders explains that “I’m not unsympathetic. There’s a lot of pressure out there. We all want to be attractive and admired. What I object to is the excess, the shameless retouching, the body sculpting performed by so many magazines, and the dangerous message it sends.”

Gisele Bündchen Flaunts Her Flawless Post-Baby Body for Vogue – “Just six weeks after giving birth to her first child, the supermodel — who gained 30 pregnancy pounds — is back to her svelte and sexy self in a bright orange single-sleeve top and khaki hot pants.”

Loved this comment:

“Why is it they turn something beautiful and meaningful into sick crap?” By Life Coach Tess of “The Bold Life.”

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Post Baby Body: Stop it Already!

“High heels are sexy,” explains my friend D. “They elongate my legs. They make my ankles appear thinner. They give me confidence!”

I look at her incredulously. It’s not that I’m not familiar with the idea that high heels are sexy. Of course I am. We all are. It’s not even that I’ve never worn a pair of high heels, or that I don’t own several pairs of them. In fact, I have this pair of gorgeous 4-inch heels that I often insist on wearing when I go out at night. But the older I get, the more I rebel against the very idea that women’s shoes designers and manufacturers think it’s OK to design and sell shoes that cause serious damage to women’s bodies.

Shoes are supposed to make walking an easier, safer experience than walking barefoot, correct? That’s the entire idea behind wearing shoes. And yet, millions of women are buying into the ridiculous idea that shoes that make walking very difficult, shoes that can – and often do – cause a range of ailments and injuries – are sexy and desirable.

I guess the reasoning behind wearing high heels is, “if it makes me look good, I don’t care how limiting, unsafe and unhealthy it is.”

Regularly wearing high heels can cause a long list of not-so-sexy side effects, including blisters, corns, calluses, bunions (Victoria Beckham reportedly now needs surgery to remove those), lower back pain, knee damage, chronic sharp pains in the ball of the foot, ankle sprains, a painful inflammation of the Achilles tendon at the back of the heel, hammertoes, and the list goes on.

None of these sound very sexy to me.

Of course, just because something is bad for women doesn’t mean women will stop wearing it. There’s a huge pressure on professional women in formal work environments to wear heels to work (ever heard of the concept “power heels?”) which is even worse than wearing heels when you go out at night, since wearing them to work day after day, for several hours each day, really adds up in terms of the damage caused to the wearer.

A survey conducted by the American Podiatric Medical Association showed that 42% of women admitted they’d wear a shoe they liked even if it caused them discomfort. 73% admitted to already having a shoe-related foot issue. It looks like very few women are brave enough, and smart enough, to choose a pain-free existence.

I find it incredibly sad that instead of voting with our wallets and refusing to buy 8-inch (EIGHT inch!) high heels, we are opting for crazy treatments such as collagen feet fillers to pad our feet and make wearing crazy high heels less painful.

High Heels Sexy? I don’t get it. To me, you just look stupid when you can’t walk.

Loved this comment: “In the morning on the way to work I’m accompanied by a whole herd of clop-clopping young women on stilty heels. The older I get, the more style just seems to be another word for herd instinct.” Dot, Deeper Issues.

The High heels in the photo are featured at Zappos.com. They are by Dolce & Gabbana and will set you back $1248 should you decide to buy them.

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High Heels Sexy?