A few weeks ago, one of the people I enjoy the most on the Internet, Wesley Smith, posted a message on his Facebook Wall saying: “If you ‘like’ this status, I’ll post on your wall something that I like about you.”

And he did! He got 13 “likes” and while I’m not sure what he wrote on other people’s walls, I know what he wrote on mine: “I absolutely love your writing style, and I love that you think about things and live your life actively rather than passively. I also love that you care a lot about your kids.”

Despite thinking about myself as a little cynical, not very emotional, a person who prefers thinking to feeling, I not only blushed profusely upon reading his words, but also felt all warm and fuzzy inside – in a very, very good way.

It got me thinking, that we really don’t do this often enough – say something nice to another person – and really, when I think about it, you can find something that you like about most people, certainly about the people in your social network. Wesley obviously felt confident that he would be able to find something – at least one thing – that he likes about anyone who would “like” his post. And really, why not?

Now, this is not the type of blog that does a lot of “inspirational” stuff. I actually don’t feel very comfortable with too much warm and fuzzy, but that evening, reading Wesley’s words, I liked the warm and fuzzy, and I want more people to feel it.

Will you play a little game with me? How about each of you pick one person from your online network – a blogger, someone on Twitter or on Facebook etc., and say one thing that you like about them? Here in the comments, or on your own blog if you have a blog, or on your favorite social network if you prefer – but then come back and tell us about it. I want to read all the nice things that we have to say about each other.

I’ll start. The obvious choice would have been for me to say something nice about Wesley, but I already did that via Facebook. So I’m going to pick Jannie, and I’m going to say this:

Jannie, you are one of the warmest, most genuine people I have met online. I love that you are so real and down to earth. I love your sense of humor and the way you don’t take yourself too seriously. I also love your kindness and generosity – I still can’t believe you were willing to work so hard to improve that photo of mine.

Your turn.

Come on, people, you know you want to.

Photo credit: Gunna

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Why Do You Like Me?

I found this Twitter account today when searching for accounts to follow for a client. Loved it. What a smart guy.

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Work-Life Balance

The dating site “Beautiful People,” where members can “guarantee their dates will always be beautiful” has recently expelled thousands of members for gaining too much weight during the holidays, explaining that “letting fatties roam the site” is against the company’s business model.

Even when taking into account this was no more than a sleazy publicity stunt, which of course worked beautifully, the very concept of sites that help members surround themselves with “good looking people” and weed out “unattractive” people from their life is fascinating.

The obvious criticism is that these are shallow people who focus on the wrong thing – on short-term physical beauty instead of on the person as a whole. But I think it’s more than that.

Who exactly decides what “attractive” is? I had a wonderful friend, who unfortunately died of cancer at a very young age (before she turned 40). She wasn’t beautiful in the classic sense of the word, but she had the most amazing, lively, energetic personality and huge dark eyes. When I met her for the first time, I thought she was rather ordinary-looking, but years later, after I got to know her, I remember looking at her as she was sitting across from me talking, and becoming mesmerized by those huge, expressive, thoughtful eyes, thinking to myself she must be the most beautiful person on this planet.

Was she beautiful? would she be accepted to one of those dating sites? Likely not. But was her husband and we, her friends, incredibly lucky to have her in our lives? Of course we were. She was a beautiful person and a loyal friend. I miss her terribly.

Beauty is not just about a person’s looks or their measurements. We all have stories of people whom we considered as “plain” until we got to know them and realized they were incredibly beautiful. Anyone who intentionally limits their choice of dates or relationships to physically beautiful people deserves all the humiliation they can get.

Loved this Comment: “How sad does your life have to be that this club would be something to aspire to?” Jannie Funster

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Fat People Not Welcome

Did you know that the top New Year’s resolution for most people in the U.S, year after year, is “lose weight?”

Some people make New Year’s resolutions, other laugh at them. If you search online, you can find lots of jokes about New Year’s resolutions. But I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with making them.

Critics say they’re empty and useless – that most people make them, but never follow through, which ultimately makes them feel even worse than before.

I disagree. I think that New Year’s resolutions CAN be useless and often are. I also think that when New Year’s resolutions are done in a meaningful way, they can be a wonderful self-improvement tool.

To make New Year’s resolutions that stick, I usually try to make just one resolution each year, then break it down into smaller, more manageable chunks, and follow up every couple of months to see how I’m doing. So, if my goal is to complain less, I might start with “limit my nagging and complaining to no more than once a day,” then once I accomplish that goal, move on to the next of, say, whining just once a week! (My husband must be feeling hopeful right now).

Back to the most popular New Year’s resolution of losing weight. Of course people don’t stick with it! It’s far too vague. By breaking it down into smaller chunks and focusing on just this resolution instead of on five others, you stand a much better chance of accomplishing your goal.

You could start by specifying how much exactly you want to lose (2 pounds per month or 24 pounds in 2010); decide on specific monthly goals such as limiting your soda intake or taking the stairs at work. Whatever you do, by breaking it down and focusing on just this one goal, you’re seriously increasing your chances of making it a reality.

I’m not a self-development expert and usually stay away from self-help-type posts. But this is something that has worked for me over the past few years. I hope it will work for you too.

Do you make New Year’s Resolutions? Do you keep them?

Comment of the Day: “I think the key to sticky resolutions is having a compelling ‘why’ and an effective ‘how’ to go along with the ‘what.’” J.D. Meier, Sources of Insight.

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Do You Make New Year’s Resolutions?

Photo credit: ekai

This is a guest post by Dan Miller, a real-life friend of mine who writes about philosophy, religion, physics, artificial intelligence and virtual worlds in his blog Artiphys. In this post, Dan is responding to my recent post on Ageism. Dan thinks “aging gracefully” backfires in today’s culture and argues that there’s nothing wrong with using the tools available to us to slow down the natural aging process.

The sense I get from your post, and from the majority of responses, is that it is somehow unseemly for someone to fight the visual process of ageing using surgery, or techniques such as Botox. Instead, we should gracefully accept God’s chosen aesthetics of age, and admire our craggy faces and sagging skin with the delicate acquired tastes of an aficionado.

Of course, we don’t live in that world. Instead, we live in a world that idolizes youth and youthfulness, and physical beauty as some sort of special achievement, and worthy of exceptional praise. In such a world, looking old is not just an issue of looking “bad” — it’s also a label. If you’re old, you are not only not beautiful and desirable, you’re also uncool, over the hill, washed up, and should do the polite thing by just fading away to Florida or a long cruise, or some other acceptable playground for the unfortunately aged.

Photo credit: notinponce

But what if you don’t think that way about yourself? Surely we’ve all seen the spectrum of attitudes to age — from the mid-40’s balding overweight fellow who is already counting the years to retirement, to the spry, energetic grandmom who loves to play with the kids, does watercolors, blogs incessantly, and generally enjoys life with the enthusiasm of a 12-yr old.

Now suppose you’re one of those forever-young types, but you happen to live in Hollywood, and your profession is tied mercilessly to your looks and the perception people have of your appearance. You are photographed constantly, in high-def, and examined for signs of decrepitude. Is it so terrible in that situation for you to choose to do what many others (your competition in some sense) do, and improve your appearance using the available tools? Or do you have an obligation to take yourself out of the race and let the young turks have a chance at the brass ring?

We don’t disparage people for getting hip replacements just so they can ski or play tennis a few years more. What if you’re approaching 60, but you still feel frisky, and want to be able to appear in a way that makes it easier for you to integrate with people whose perception of age is so deeply marked by society’s expectations? If it’s OK to take the risk of surgery to do athletics, why is it off-limits to have surgery to expand your options in terms of relationships?

I see this issue as something like trans-gender. If someone feels like they’re a woman trapped in a man’s body, and they will be happier looking like a woman (not usually a particularly attractive woman, as we all probably realize) — I say, that’s fine. That’s self-realization. And I see using surgery or Botox to look youthful as something along the same lines. Of course it can go too far (Joan Rivers, Michael Jackson) — but so can anything.

Jocelyn Wildenstein, the “cat woman”, took self improvement through plastic surgery to the extreme. Photo credit: feastoffools

There’s a big difference between a tasteful, subtle chin lift and the stretched-rubber-skin look of someone who just doesn’t know when to quit. I just don’t see the philosophical justification for saying it’s all terrible and hypocritical, and anyone who makes that choice is somehow guilty of some moral or ethical transgression.

I for one have little respect for nature’s (or God’s, if you prefer) idea of ‘graceful ageing’. Besides the looks part, the last year or two of life for most people I’ve known who didn’t die suddenly is nothing but a disgusting, shameful form of degradation and loss of dignity. That drives my feelings about euthanasia, but that’s for a different post. The basic point is, why take our nature as given, and refuse to improve upon it, if improvement is actually possible? We generally accept things like tattoos, body piercing, high heels, makeup and so on — is this really that different?

Much of what we do regarding our appearance is far from healthy (and I confess this goes more for women, but that seems to be a given in our society). I don’t care all that much about my appearance, and perhaps that’s because I’m a guy, but I’m sure going to use whatever I can get my hands on to prolong my quality of life and vitality. I think there’s an argument that one’s appearance is part of that equation.

Over to you now. What do you think? Are you in favor of “aging gracefully,” or do you agree with Dan that there’s no reason to accept nature’s aging process if we have the tools at our disposal to fight it?

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In Defense Of Plastic Surgery

The nine to five grind has been good to us.

I almost feel like I’m betraying my online friends by saying that. So many talented writers are resisting the idea of a “real” job. So many of us have been miserable doing the nine to five grind. For many, a “real” job means a death sentence to our creativity, to our dreams.

People who choose to carve their own path in life

Just a few of the fabulous, fierce, non-compromising  people I have had the pleasure of meeting online in recent months:

Evyan of Apricot Tea is uncomfortable with people’s reactions when she tells them she’s not working, but she knows in her heart that staying home is right for her and that a “real job” would make her miserable.

Layoffs at Hunter Nuttall’s workplace have finally enabled him to become a professional blogger.

Jonathan Mead bravely insists on living without a template, even when it means “embarrassment, humiliation and flat out rejection.”

Tim Brownson of The Discomfort Zone refused to remain a well-paid but miserable sales person. He is having the time of his life working as a self-employed life coach.

Writer Dad is planning an exciting future of breaking away from work that no longer fulfills him and doing what he loves: writing for a living.

Evelyn Lim had the courage to leave her job as a banker and start the business of her dreams.

But for some, a real job can be a good thing

While I completely respect my friends’ choice to become self-employed, and accept that for many creative types nine to five jobs ARE in fact a death sentence, I wanted to talk a bit about the other side. To remind everyone that some people are truly happy with “real” jobs and “real” careers.

It has been my experience, and especially my husband’s since I did make a career change and then took a long break from my career when my kids were born, that a real job can be very rewarding. The “get a degree, get a job and be damn good at what you do” path can and does work.

If you choose the right career for you, then keep at it long enough and are successful enough, you have freedoms that are usually associated with being your own boss. You can get to a point where you can take long vacations, decide how long to work each day, when to start your day, and whether to work from your home or from the office.

When you not only follow the path of a degree and a career but also remember to save and invest a significant chunk of your earnings each year, and especially if you start to invest in your early twenties, the magic of compound interest means that in your late thirties and during your forties you also have the financial freedom to take risks and chances and make career changes, because you can get by without a salary for many months.

So in a way, if you “give” those 15 years to the system, you get to take back – and you’re even young enough to enjoy it.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we were just lucky to be in the Silicon Valley during the exciting dot com boom. Maybe most careers ARE miserable. After all, our jobs were never the real, mundane, boring “nine to five” ones. A Silicon Valley start-up is hardly a boring place. So that could explain why we’re not as frustrated as others are. Or maybe we’re just a couple of boring, mundane, conformists. That’s a possibility too, especially since we are both firstborns and I seem to recall reading somewhere that firstborns tend to conform rather than rebel.

Being your own boss can make you work too hard

people always talk about the “nine to five grind”, but working for yourself can create an even worse grind. Monika Mundell, who writes about freelance writing, was unable to work for several weeks after contracting an illness that she attributes to working too hard and stressing her body too much.

She says, “I have been going at my business flat out for nearly 18 months now of which I have been fully booked for the last 10 months. I am a sucker for not saying no enough and therefore ended up taking all the work offered to me. But as it happens, I can’t go on like this and need to find a balance between my writing work, my niche sites and me. Not to mention my husband and my darling birds. The days are just not long enough to get it all done. You probably know that anyway.”

A major risk when you’re self-employed is not knowing when to stop and rest. This is a serious health risk, and the argument “it’s OK to work nonstop as long as you love what you do” is simply not true. Working in front of the computer 14 hours each day, rarely going outside, never exercising and eating junk WILL HARM YOUR HEALTH sooner or later, even if you love every minute of it.

While a nine to five job isn’t for everyone, it’s not necessarily evil. It depends a lot on the job, on the employer and on how your career advances over the years, but it IS possible to be an employee, have a fabulous career, make good money and be very happy. I suspect many of you will disagree. I’m looking forward to your comments.

—
Related Reading:
Being A Lawyer
Why The Hell Would You Get A Job?

Image credit: jcoldironjr2003

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Nine To Five: Is It Really That Bad?

Source: The Toronto Daily Star, April 22, 1916. Image credit: jbcurio

The text of this 1916 ad says:

In this age, attention to your appearance is an absolute necessity if you expect to make the most out of life. Not only should you wish to appear as attractive as possible for your own self-satisfaction, which is alone well worth your efforts, but you will find the world in general judging you greatly, if not wholly, by your looks.

Therefore, it pays to look your best at all times. Permit no one to see you looking otherwise. It will injure your welfare! Upon the impression you constantly make rests the failure or success of your life. Which is to be your ultimate destiny?

My new nose-shaper corrects ill-shaped noses without operation, quickly, safely and permanently.

The ad raises several issues. Among them, the importance of looks; truth in advertising; and advertisers that attempt to manipulate the consumer’s emotions and vulnerabilities for making profit.

I found it interesting that the issues that we are facing today were present almost 100 years ago. Indeed, There’s nothing new under the sun.

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Correct Your Nose Without Operation!

Fear of aging had been on my mind a lot lately.

When I said, a few weeks ago, that I’m afraid of aging, Tim Brownson of The Discomfort Zone commented that age is just a state of mind.

I disagree.

In fact, a growing number of researchers are treating aging as a disease.

When I read Tim’s comment, I promised myself that I would write another post in which I would try to explain my fear of aging. So here goes.

Sometimes I look at very old people, with their wrinkles and their illnesses and with those bodies that betray them more and more with each passing year, and I feel a terrible despair. Like I’m on a path that leads to a horrible place and I have no control over that, and I just want to get off that path, but I can’t. There’s no way out.

We all walk on that path, together. We must continue, regardless of what gradually happens to us along the way.

We start here:

Photo credit: almoko

And if we’re lucky enough to survive and reach our 70s and 80s, many of us end up here:

Photo credit: Ed Yourdon

And yes, I know the only real alternative is death and that a lot of this is up to me (healthy lifestyle, state of mind etc). I should probably just accept that this is the way things are. Still, to me, the fact that all living things must age and shrivel and die is one of the cruelest, most incomprehensible facts of life.

How do you feel about aging? Calm and resigned? Desperate and panicky? Are you taking any active steps – such as a special diet or vitamins, or maybe spiritual steps – in an attempt to slow down aging?

Other bloggers’ thoughts on fear of aging:
Is Death Natural?
The GABA Complex
Another Surprise From Father Time
The Elasticity Of  Time
Help Me, I’m Having A Hair Breakdown!

Photo credit: nixArt

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Fear of Aging

Finding happiness has always been one of my biggest goals, or challenges.

When Urban Panther and Ellen Wilson tagged me for the six-word memoir meme, I knew right away my memoir will be about finding happiness.

This is my six-word memoir:

Happy, then not. Now happy again.

I’m not sure this qualifies as a memoir. I guess it’s more of a portrayal of who I am and what I’m trying to be. I am still in the process of finding happiness. I am still trying to figure out if happiness can be a constant state of mind, or if I have to accept that happiness is just those precious fleeting moments that I should enjoy and cherish, while the day-to-day is shades of gray.

What do you think? Are you happy? (It’s a big question, I know.) Do you aspire to be generally happy or are you OK with just moments of happiness? Is the quest for happiness a luxury of a spoiled generation that enjoys way too much leisure time thanks to modern technology?

Related Reading:
Happily Ever After
Why People Are Unhappy
How To Be Happy

Photo: Finding happiness in Rome.

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Finding Happiness

Being a lawyer is highly stressful. Anyone who chooses this career needs to realize that the entire legal system is based on adversity.

Negotiations, court appearances, and dealing with clients and with other attorneys are often very bitter.

These interactions require you to be tough, emotionally detached and sometimes even heartless. It’s not fun. It’s not glamorous. It’s ugly.

The stress has a lot to do with the fact that almost everything you do is urgent and has a serious financial implication. It’s like being a doctor (only being a doctor is even worse): if you mess up a contract, or if you mess up in court, there are going to be major implications for your client.

While studying law is interesting, practicing law is boring, repetitive and done in a highly negative environment. You basically spend most of your days writing threatening letters to others or answering threatening letters others have sent you, arguing your case against others in court, or making sure your client is well represented in negotiations and in their final outcome: contracts. Surrounded by all this adversity and negativity, you have to become highly aggressive, or you’re eaten alive by other lawyers. Did I mention being a lawyer is stressful?

Another thing I hated is all the paperwork. The legal system still requires paper proof in many cases, so you have to keep everything and have it neatly filed away. Paperless? Green? Ha. Good one. Not in a law firm. Lawyers keep copies of every correspondence, every document, and yes – we also have to keep electronic copies of stuff. I haven’t worked as a lawyer in ten years, but I’m still in the habit of copying myself on unnecessary emails, “just in case.” Oh, and don’t get me started on all the READING of super boring material that you have to do as a lawyer. The photo above says it all.

Being a lawyer affects your relationships and your personality. You become more aggressive, impatient, cynical. I used to be a divorce attorney and after everything I’ve seen, I have this cynicism that I hate but can’t seem to shake off about love and relationships. I simply can’t believe anymore in love the way I believed in it before I saw how even the greatest love can turn into toxic, consuming hate.

The good news is, if you really want to, you can get out while you still have some semblance of humanity. Of course, this would depend on your financial situation. If you have 3 kids in private school, a hefty mortgage and no savings, changing careers may not be the best idea. But if you have a little more freedom, you should know that changing careers IS a real possibility. I have done it. I am now a blogger for hire, and although I make a fraction of what I used to make as an attorney, my quality of life is so much better now, that it’s absolutely worth it.

One of the biggest emotional obstacles to making this career change is a sense of obligation. Your legal career probably cost a fortune. You also invested a lot of time in it. You need to shake the guilt off. I don’t feel guilty anymore about “throwing away my higher education” because I feel that education always stays with you and enriches your life, even if you don’t use it in the traditional sense.

Try these excellent resources for starting your own business, for overcoming that negative voice in your head that says “I can’t”, and for transitioning your career into the freedom of self-employment.

Being a lawyer was sucking the life out of me, but I got out. I would be very interested to hear in the comments about a challenging situation in YOUR life that you managed to overcome.

Photo credit: umjanedoan

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Being A Lawyer Sucked