Personal

Missing Grandma

by MomGrind

How fitting that today, Mother’s Day, is the yahrzeit (Yiddish for “a year’s time” or anniversary) of the passing of my beloved grandmother, Chava.

Grandma passed away young, at the age of 59, when I was barely 12 years old.

I think about her often, because she was the epitome of motherhood. A large woman (back when most people were not overweight) with a big heart, her entire existence centered around her children, her grandchildren, and cooking.

I write about grandma with some difficulty, because I was so young when she passed. I so wish she could have stayed with us a little longer, giving me a chance to get to know her better, as an adult.
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Trapped

by MomGrind

old man with walkerWaiting at the stoplight, I see the man. He’s old, probably in his mid seventies. He walks slowly, pushing a walker in front of him, stopping to rest every few steps. His back is a little bent. His mouth tight. He has that look of quiet anger that so many old people have.

He’s trapped, the thought flashes in my head. There’s a person inside that has nothing to do with this sick old body. The man inside was a young man once, a middle aged man not that long ago. He stood straight and laughed and ran, had children and grandchildren. He worked, he had friends over and went to clubs and to parties and to the movies. There’s a whole life story trapped inside, a life story filled with sweet moments that have nothing to do with the anger, the weariness, the despair that a malfunctioning body brings.
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If they could only see into the future, they would have done everything in their power to run away, to escape, to leave their beloved Holland, to get away from Europe.

Of course, many tried and were refused by nations who sent them right back to “where they belonged,” to their deaths.

But the three Jewish siblings photographed here, in April 13 1941 according to the print on the back, didn’t know how bad it was going to get for them, for Jews. So they stayed in occupied Holland and hoped for the best.
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Penny: Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.

(The Big Bang Theory, Season 4, Episode 14)
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Airports

by MomGrind

airportAirports are strange places, I think as I stand in front of the gate waiting for my father to arrive. His flight is not the only flight to arrive this early afternoon, and a flood of people is coming through the gate. Faces, strange faces, blur into each other, all looking the same. They are special to someone, I’m sure, each of them possessing the ability to light up the face of a few loved ones. But they are strangers to me, and they are annoying because the human clutter they create interferes with my ability to locate my father in the crowd.

Twenty minutes pass by. The little airport screens tell me that his plane has already landed. Where is he? I squint, cursing my useless pair of near-sighted eyes, that probably require a new contacts prescription yet again. What if I can’t locate him? What if his face blends into everyone else’s and they all look the same, what if I never find him?
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I’m so sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye, oma. I love you. You passed away peacefully, at home, in your sleep, at the age of 95, surrounded by family. You were fairly healthy up until last year, when you started deteriorating, your systems systematically shutting down. The past couple of months were rough, and I scheduled a flight to Tel Aviv, hoping to see you this Thanksgiving holiday, but I didn’t make it. You didn’t make it. Which I am told is a good thing, because you were suffering. It was your time and you had to go.

I am crying as I’m typing this, thoughts swirling in my head, and as always sadness turns to anger and I’m angry. I’m angry that although death itself is often very peaceful, the end of life that leads to death is so violent, degrading, vile, and entails so much suffering and loss of dignity. Even in the case of someone like you, who simply died of old age, those last few months were horrible.

I’m angry at myself that I didn’t come to see you sooner. And that I’m here in the States, as much as I love this country, and my dear family is back in Israel, so many miles and hours away.
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Memories

by MomGrind

I was deeply touched by the following dedication on one of the books my daughter had borrowed at the library recently – Lucy the Good, by Marianne Musgrove:

“In memory of Dad: the trips to the museum, bush walks in the Gorge, our special rock, the bagatelles and Chocolate Night, Channel Two, the Alhambra and that terry-toweling hat.”

I don’t really understand half of the memories described in the dedication, but that’s exactly why I find it so moving – it obviously captures some very special, private moments between father and daughter. I like that instead of trying to describe the love, or the relationship, it simply captures moments.

It got me thinking. If my children were given the assignment to capture their favorite moments with me in just a few sentences, what would they say? Am I creating enough of these amazing childhood memories, or am I so busy busy busy that I sometimes forget the important things?

Then I thought about the people in my own life and how I would describe them. Most of them are thankfully alive, and that’s exactly my point – I don’t want to wait until loved ones pass away to say these things.

So here’s my attempt at capturing special moments with my loved ones, the living and the dead.

To Mom: long talks about the meaning of life, tanning our legs in the Jerusalem sun, poppy seed cakes at the pool, milk chocolate and Coca Cola when I was sick, meatballs in tomato sauce, and sitting at the kitchen table reading newspapers cover to cover on Friday night.

To Dad: thick pannenkoeken sprinkled with sugar, crying together when Holland loses a soccer game, watching Superman in Eilat’s movie theater, weekend trips to Ammunition Hill, and that redhead Barbie Doll that got a VERY short haircut.

To my husband: freezing together in the Jerusalem winter after that movie, five huge samosas, wearing your T-shirt under my military uniform, Pasta Ido, Seinfeld reruns, my first fillet Mignon, and staying up all night on that first night.

To my brother: Playing poor, Esther and Shmana, laughing so hard at the Seder table that our eyes tear up, surviving Janogly, half an order of falafel for you and a full one for me, and those jelly filled flower shaped cookies.

To grandma Chava: Your purse filled with candy for us, hanging up laundry by colors on that last weekend together, going to Gizbari for fresh bread, fresh tomatoes simply dressed with oil and salt, and that blue dress for my Bat Mitzvah that you loved so much but never got to wear.

To grandpa Yakov: liquor candy in the cupboard, beautifully decorated sukkah and a fragrant etrog, going over old photos together, watching you manually grind meat in that meat grinder, sweet fruit compote for dessert, and the pain in your beautiful blue eyes after grandmother died.

To grandma Miep: long, lazy walks on Shabbat mornings, fragrant boterkoek, plaid wool blankets, colorful cotton balls in the bathroom, apricot pie, and that strong Dutch coffee that kept me up at night but was well worth it.

To grandpa Ari: the way you sprinkled sugar on your leben and ate sandwiches with a knife and a fork, gorgeous salmon mousse decorated with fresh veggies, impeccably dressed in a suit and a tie even on the hottest Mediterranean days, and the way you looked in my direction and smiled when I visited you at the hospital, even though you couldn’t see much by then.

To my friend N.: Slamming down tequila shots in that Jerusalem pub and feeling so grown up, staying up all night talking, borrowing your white jeans and “forgetting” to return them, and trying a different cheesecake every weekend.

To my friend S.: Lunches at Picasso, those detailed 10-page letters that I still keep, trying to figure out what men really want (huh!), broccoli cream soup, and our night in Santa Monica.

I love you all.