Grateful

by MomGrind

thank youFor my health. Because mom is right: Health is the most important thing. With ill health, it’s very difficult to enjoy life and to focus on anything other than one’s ill health.

For my husband, who is also my best friend and biggest supporter. I’m still at awe whenever I think of how we met, narrowly escaping never meeting at all. Fate? Perhaps. Luck? For sure. I’m the luckiest woman in the world to share this journey with you.

For my children, who bring me immense joy (and also angst, let’s be honest) every single day and certainly keep me on my toes and keep life interesting.
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I’m so sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye, oma. I love you. You passed away peacefully, at home, in your sleep, at the age of 95, surrounded by family. You were fairly healthy up until last year, when you started deteriorating, your systems systematically shutting down. The past couple of months were rough, and I scheduled a flight to Tel Aviv, hoping to see you this Thanksgiving holiday, but I didn’t make it. You didn’t make it. Which I am told is a good thing, because you were suffering. It was your time and you had to go.

I am crying as I’m typing this, thoughts swirling in my head, and as always sadness turns to anger and I’m angry. I’m angry that although death itself is often very peaceful, the end of life that leads to death is so violent, degrading, vile, and entails so much suffering and loss of dignity. Even in the case of someone like you, who simply died of old age, those last few months were horrible.

I’m angry at myself that I didn’t come to see you sooner. And that I’m here in the States, as much as I love this country, and my dear family is back in Israel, so many miles and hours away.
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manicureI always assumed I would have beautifully manicured nails when I became a grownup.

“Your hands say so much about you,” women’s magazines would warn, urging me to get weekly manicures or else, and I, a teenager, an eager consumer of those magazines, believed them. Dyed hair, manicured nails and high heels were what separated hopelessly unfashionable women from the stylish ones. Looking at my chipped nails, I knew I couldn’t afford weekly professional manicures – but someday I would.

As a college student, still lacking the funds to pay for professional beauty services, I stopped doing my own nails and went for the no-nonsense, cut short, bare nails look. Even when I started working as a professor’s assistant and making some money, my nails remained bare. Law school was hard and required lots of work – I just didn’t have the time to sit at a stupid salon leafing through women’s magazines, I reasoned.

But deep inside, I knew that someday, I would get a weekly manicure and would finally be the polished, successful woman I was always meant to be.

When I joined the workforce and started making real money (finally!), there were really no more excuses. So I attempted growing my fingernails and getting a weekly manicure. But I soon found out that (a) Long nails are the enemy of contact lenses; (b) long nails are the enemy of fast typing; (c) The 20-minute wait until a manicure dries completely is torture; and (d) Manicured nails don’t last a week (at least not for me). Under the best-case scenario, they last maybe a day or two.

So I stopped getting manicures and went back to my rebellious, college-days look of short, bare nails.

I am forty years old. I am most definitely grown up. I have money. If I don’t do manicures now, I probably never will. I feel bad about it, and yet I can’t bring myself to get regular manicures. My bare nails look bad, but manicured nails are just not me.

My friend has beautifully manicured nails, and as much as I’d like to say that she’s stupid and lazy and does nothing all day, I have to admit that she’s brilliant and smart and accomplished and does plenty of things every day apart from sitting at a stupid salon and getting her nails done.

I envy her beautiful nails.

Yesterday I noticed that my nails were becoming rather long. I went to the bathroom and picked up a nail file, deciding that the very least I could do was file my nails instead of just chop them off as I usually do. It took exactly four filing motions, back and forth, back and forth, for me to realize that I did not have the patience for even that. I chopped them off.

But I refuse to let go of the dream.

Some day, when I’m *really* grown up, I just know I’ll have perfectly manicured nails.

Memories

by MomGrind

I was deeply touched by the following dedication on one of the books my daughter had borrowed at the library recently – Lucy the Good, by Marianne Musgrove:

“In memory of Dad: the trips to the museum, bush walks in the Gorge, our special rock, the bagatelles and Chocolate Night, Channel Two, the Alhambra and that terry-toweling hat.”

I don’t really understand half of the memories described in the dedication, but that’s exactly why I find it so moving – it obviously captures some very special, private moments between father and daughter. I like that instead of trying to describe the love, or the relationship, it simply captures moments.

It got me thinking. If my children were given the assignment to capture their favorite moments with me in just a few sentences, what would they say? Am I creating enough of these amazing childhood memories, or am I so busy busy busy that I sometimes forget the important things?

Then I thought about the people in my own life and how I would describe them. Most of them are thankfully alive, and that’s exactly my point – I don’t want to wait until loved ones pass away to say these things.

So here’s my attempt at capturing special moments with my loved ones, the living and the dead.

To Mom: long talks about the meaning of life, tanning our legs in the Jerusalem sun, poppy seed cakes at the pool, milk chocolate and Coca Cola when I was sick, meatballs in tomato sauce, and sitting at the kitchen table reading newspapers cover to cover on Friday night.

To Dad: thick pannenkoeken sprinkled with sugar, crying together when Holland loses a soccer game, watching Superman in Eilat’s movie theater, weekend trips to Ammunition Hill, and that redhead Barbie Doll that got a VERY short haircut.

To my husband: freezing together in the Jerusalem winter after that movie, five huge samosas, wearing your T-shirt under my military uniform, Pasta Ido, Seinfeld reruns, my first fillet Mignon, and staying up all night on that first night.

To my brother: Playing poor, Esther and Shmana, laughing so hard at the Seder table that our eyes tear up, surviving Janogly, half an order of falafel for you and a full one for me, and those jelly filled flower shaped cookies.

To grandma Chava: Your purse filled with candy for us, hanging up laundry by colors on that last weekend together, going to Gizbari for fresh bread, fresh tomatoes simply dressed with oil and salt, and that blue dress for my Bat Mitzvah that you loved so much but never got to wear.

To grandpa Yakov: liquor candy in the cupboard, beautifully decorated sukkah and a fragrant etrog, going over old photos together, watching you manually grind meat in that meat grinder, sweet fruit compote for dessert, and the pain in your beautiful blue eyes after grandmother died.

To grandma Miep: long, lazy walks on Shabbat mornings, fragrant boterkoek, plaid wool blankets, colorful cotton balls in the bathroom, apricot pie, and that strong Dutch coffee that kept me up at night but was well worth it.

To grandpa Ari: the way you sprinkled sugar on your leben and ate sandwiches with a knife and a fork, gorgeous salmon mousse decorated with fresh veggies, impeccably dressed in a suit and a tie even on the hottest Mediterranean days, and the way you looked in my direction and smiled when I visited you at the hospital, even though you couldn’t see much by then.

To my friend N.: Slamming down tequila shots in that Jerusalem pub and feeling so grown up, staying up all night talking, borrowing your white jeans and “forgetting” to return them, and trying a different cheesecake every weekend.

To my friend S.: Lunches at Picasso, those detailed 10-page letters that I still keep, trying to figure out what men really want (huh!), broccoli cream soup, and our night in Santa Monica.

I love you all.

Completely by accident, I stumbled upon one of the stupidest paragraphs I have ever read.

“Despite spending years trying to understand women, reading up on their psychological make-up and occasionally watching Oprah for some insight, they’re still a mystery! It’s part of why we love them.”

It appears in a humorous article “teaching” men how to handle women, but it’s actually quite typical of many other articles, books and publications, all aimed at highlighting the differences between the genders and promoting gender wars.

Here’s my take on the subject.

1. Despite some differences, I am not a mystery. I am a person just like you, with very similar needs, wants and thoughts. Very boring, I know. But it’s true. Even the very stereotypical woman on the left is probably more similar to you than you think.

2. I’m a person first, a woman second. Yes, I am obviously a woman with female equipment and you may or may not feel attracted to me. But I am not – I will not – be defined by my gender. So whenever you wonder about what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling, it is fairly safe to assume that my thoughts, feelings, and aspirations are not that different than yours.

3. Being a second-class citizen is extremely difficult. Yes, even in the industrialized world, where women truly are blessed with rights that women in other parts of the world can only dream of, we are still second class. For a smart, talented, ambitious person who happens to be a female, it’s extremely frustrating.

4. I like you. I’m a feminist, and I’m angry that so many of you assume I’m somehow inferior just because I’m a female – I hate the tension between the genders. But that doesn’t mean I hate you. I like men. I think men have accomplished so much in terms of advancing humans and bringing us to where we are now. I also think many of you are cute. ;)

5. I remember reading somewhere that women’s deepest fear when it comes to men is being physically hurt. Men’s deepest fear when it comes to women is being laughed at. How sad! Just so you know, I’m not here to ridicule you or to make fun of you. Yes, if you ask me out on a date and I don’t feel attracted to you I will say “no,” but I will never try to hurt you on purpose. I am not the enemy. I am a fellow human being. We’re in this together, in this weird and intense and very temporary thing called “life.” We should be working together to make sense of things, not bickering and fighting and feeling suspicious of each other and writing stupid articles and books about how women are a mystery that men will never understand.

Despite the huge success of books like “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” my personal belief is that women and men are not that different. I really wish we could get along better!

The first (and only) time I was described as “pre-dead” was by comedian Jake Johannsen.

His comedy show, a couple of years ago I think in San Francisco, was hilarious. But more than anything, I was touched by how preoccupied he was with aging and with death. Johannsen was talking about how all of us sitting in the club that night are really just pre-dead people, destined to die at some point.

As someone who’s been preoccupied with my own mortality ever since I saw my first wrinkle, I could relate.

Now, realizing that we’re just pre-dead people can have devastating effects. In Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, Levin, watching his dying brother, suddenly realizes that “he had really forgotten and overlooked one little circumstance in life – that death would come and end everything, so it was useless to begin anything.”

Later, he adds that since death awaits us all, everything we do is insignificant, and that “one passes one’s life finding distraction in… work, merely not to think of death.”

Ultimately, Levin does find meaning to his life when he realizes that “One must live for God and not for one’s own needs.” The way I see it, Levin’s faith can be translated into anything beyond “me” and “MY needs” in order to give meaning to life. It can be as simple as parenthood – knowing your children need you gives you a strong reason to live and to live well. Love too can help give meaning, even to a tough existence. My late grandfather Ari was determined to help my frail grandmother Miep survive the holocaust. I’m certain that knowing she depended on him (she would likely have died without him) gave him the power to survive the horror.

Whether we can find meaning or not, we can use the knowledge that we’re pre-dead to become better people. If death awaits, then it truly doesn’t make sense to sweat the small stuff, to bicker and whine and be small-minded. Jealousy, racism, fear, senseless fights and arguments are really a waste of precious time. Being pre-dead can be a very good thing indeed, if instead of pushing it out of our minds, or numbing ourselves with some drug of choice (cigarettes, food, drugs, anti-depressants etc.) we choose to allow ourselves to be conscious of our eventual demise, feel the pain of this horrible fact of life, and refuse to engage in behavior or in activities that are just a horrible waste of our precious time – after all, on average, we only have about 40 years of healthy adulthood – that’s painfully short!

Believe it or not, the idea for this rather weird blog post was sparked by someone cutting in front of me this morning on the highway. I almost allowed his rudeness to ruin my mood and to affect my behavior – until I reminded myself that he, just like me, is pre-dead and so reacting to his smallness just doesn’t make sense. I can – I should – be better than that.

Being pre-dead isn’t so bad after all.

I tried to keep my Healthy Recipes blog anonymous, but I’m too darn proud of it! I *have* to share it here. It basically chronicles my journey from high-fat, low-fiber recipes (those that I have published here over the years) to wholesome recipes that are still very tasty.

Here it is – my new baby :) (Click on the screen shot to get to the blog):